ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I’ve been told that one cannot be an effective boss by being a friend to those one supervises. I have some serious concerns about this as I feel that being a friend at work is a good way to gain employee confidence and performance. I’m concerned about where to draw the line between being a friend and being a boss, and how to set the proper environment where friendship is allowed and being a boss is respected. How can I be both an effective boss and also a friend to my employees? Friendly Boss Dear Friendly, The challenge you’ve presented is the perfect example of a Fool’s Choice. What we mean by this is that we can only see two options that seem diametrically opposed. We don’t see it as a false dichotomy, but as an unfortunate reality. We found these Fool’s Choices to be ubiquitous when doing our research for Crucial Conversations. For example, we commonly heard people say things like, "I can speak up and be mean, or I can bite my tongue and be nice." They felt they could be candid or courteous, but not both. Those who mastered crucial conversations found the "and." They learned how to be candid and courteous. And so it is with managing or leading. In this bit of advice, I’ll try to help you see that you can be friendly and be a boss. I’ll start with a story that shows one extreme of the term "boss." I recall a leader telling me that when he was promoted, his boss gave him this advice: "Congratulations. Now get out there and fire a person or two so the rest of your team will know that you have power." This is clearly a bad example. This person’s manager had a perception of leadership that focused on control, power, and even intimidation. From our research, we know that some people value quality over harmony; they value getting results over getting along. They value performance indicators like productivity and budget. Another leader I know was told by her boss, "Don’t give praise to people for doing their job. It only makes them weak." One of the reasons people find themselves in this Fool’s Choice comes from seeing bosses manage in this manner. And understandably, they don’t want to be like that. Some people move to this extreme style of management because they have seen the consequences of bosses who are too friendly—who value getting along more than getting results. Unlike their results-driven counterparts, these friendly bosses fear being the bad guy to the degree that they fail to hold people accountable or press for continuous improvement. On the other hand, their birthday celebrations are superb and they highly value performance indicators like morale and job satisfaction. I should point out that there is a long line of leadership research that shows the negative consequences of managing in either of these extreme ways. What we found from studying leaders and team members is that the best performers don’t fall into the trap of managing on one end of the continuum or the other. They value getting results and getting along. They value quality and productivity as much as they value harmony. They can clarify high expectations and rally a team to be both motivated and able to accomplish them. They can have tough, honest, candid conversations with care and courtesy. They have found the "and." They know how to be both friendly and highly productive bosses. So here is some specific advice to help you find your "and." 1. Don’t fall for the Fool’s Choice. There are more options than being a boss or being a friend. You can value accountability and morale; you can find ways to get input and get execution. Get out of this trap by moving to dialogue—with your own boss and with your team. 2. Clarify how you can work to achieve both purposes. Put two columns on a sheet of paper. In one column, brainstorm together and clarify what tactics and measures you could use to make sure that key indicators like productivity, schedule, quality, and budget are being met. How will you set clear goals? How will people be held accountable? How will you deal with setbacks or gaps? In the next column, clarify the more people-centric measures and tactics. What goals will you set? How will you measure job satisfaction and morale? How will you praise people and celebrate successes? The outcome of this exercise will not only be clarity and balance, but you will also get beyond the Fool’s Choice. 3. Determine who does what by when and follow up. Good plans with frequent follow up give your boss, your team, and yourself confidence that there will be accountability and that nothing will fall through the cracks. Also, good plans help you know the specific steps and expectations you have to help you accomplish the results that make for a "friendly" workplace. In closing, I want to share an observation that I’ve had many times over the years. Sometimes our greatest strengths can become a weakness. For example, if the manager is the most experienced and expert person in the room, she can sometimes hear points of information from her team, and then jump to a conclusion that skips three additional points. Her speed of thinking now leaves half or more of the team in the dark. The boss says, "Here’s what we’ll do…" and moves to the next issue. Her strength (speed and problem solving) has become a weakness because her team would describe her as controlling and impatient. To apply this to your case, don’t let your friendliness slide into missing deadlines, overspending budgets, or not holding people accountable. And don’t let your firm management style slide into not praising, involving, or smiling. The choice is yours. I wish you well, Al Related posts: Who’s the Boss? Confronting a Gossiping Boss Chaotic Boss

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Justin Hale is a Master Trainer and Consultant with VitalSmarts. READ MORE How do I keep things going for learners after the formal training? Here are a few things to consider: Read David Maxfield’s article. This provides an excellent explanation on how to keep the skills alive in your organization. Hold regular practice sessions. This can be a 30-45 minute meeting. Ask people to come with a situation they are dealing with, take the first 5 minutes to quickly review the skill they’ll be practicing, and then spend the rest of the time on practice and feedback from a coach. If people don’t come with scenarios, hand out 3×5 cards and ask them to write down a few relevant situations they deal with. Then go through all the cards and look for trends. Find 3-5 common examples and use those for practice. Drill and Scrimmage. As with sports, there are two types of practice: drills and scrimmage. Drills are meant to isolate one skill and focus on a lot of repetition. Scrimmage is meant to simulate a real situation. Drills—Isolate one skill (like STATE) and have people practice with 4-5 scenarios (almost to the point that they start to hate it ). Make sure they’re in pairs and have one person practice the skill and the other give quick feedback after each practice (the second person should just be offering feedback, not role playing). You can also walk around give feedback on the nuances of the skills. People will start to become more confident and competent with this skill. Scrimmage—Put people in triads (initiator, respondent, coach) and have them "scrimmage" a real situation. The initiator will begin the conversation by stating his or her path and then the respondent will respond in a way that closely simulates what a real conversation would be like. The initiator can then incorporate more skills (contrast, AMPP, CRIB, etc.) So remember, if you are going to get learners together after the formal class, try to focus more on practice than review. Make sure they have the skills down (drills) before you throw them into the real deal (scrimmage). Good luck! Justin Hale Related posts: How do I respond to participants’ concerns about participating in training? Changing Behavior After Training What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training?

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE My experience with "why" has been an interesting one. In fact, I’ve been able to identify several distinct phases that I’ve experienced. There were the younger years where "why" was fast and frequent…and as my parents would say, annoying (my mother and father are currently enjoying seeing my children do this to me). Next I entered the teenage years where "why" took a more belligerent and defiant tone. This phase has gradually given way to the current phase that I’m still growing into: "why" as a curious approach rather than an accusatory approach. As I reflected on this, I realized that our participants have a similar, albeit condensed, experience during the session. And the sooner they move into the curious phase, the sooner they start really internalizing and learning. So here’s the big question: What do you do to help participants move more quickly into the curiosity phase of "why?" Let’s compare notes. Send me your thoughts. Related posts: From the Road: Training #241- How to Keep It New and Exciting From the Road: Mind the Gap From the Road: The Importance of Propinquity

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My husband works with his father in their family business, and it has come to light that his dad is doing some illegal bookkeeping, including tax evasion. He says that they would’ve gone out of business had they done things "the right way," but this has resulted in my husband owing nearly $25,000 of back income taxes. How do we (or my husband) have a conversation with his dad to get him to understand that going down this path is hurting himself, our family, and their business? Dealing with an Evasive Dad Dear Dealing, Yuck. What a horrible thing to learn. What an emotionally difficult situation to address. And I’ve got to guess it is even more stressful for you, since you have less direct influence over something that has such an enormous influence on your family circumstances. Perhaps one way I can be of help is to give an outside perspective on the priority of the various issues wrapped up in your situation. 1. Your integrity and financial security. 2. Your husband’s business choices. 3. Your father-in-law’s integrity. Notice that the third issue on the list is your responsibility to influence your father-in-law’s behavior. It’s not the first because it’s the issue over which you have the least control. The first thing you need to do is have a conversation with yourself. You need to get clear about what you will do—no matter what your father-in-law does—to safeguard your financial security and to defend your integrity. For example, if he chooses not to change, will you remain connected to his business? If his actions are hurting society’s interests, what do you feel obligated to do? If he is behaving in ways that hurt employees or suppliers, do you have any obligations? I am not suggesting answers to these questions, just that you ask yourself the questions. However, if you do not clarify what your own boundaries are, you will feel manipulated and controlled by your father-in-law’s decisions. You have no control over him. What you do control is yourself. So get clear on how you will respond, irrespective of his choices. Second, have a conversation with your husband about how he will respond, or preferably, how you will jointly respond. Of course, he has more contact, relationship, and influence here than you do since he is both coworker and son. But your husband’s choices affect you as well, so you have a right and responsibility to weigh in on how he’ll deal with the three questions I posed above. Your husband, for example, should come into any conversation with your father-in-law having already decided what he will do if your father-in-law chooses to ignore your concerns. Will he invoke a buy-sell agreement? Will he exit the enterprise? Will he take it to the board (if there is one)? His goal is not to make decisions about how to force his father to change, but to make decisions to protect his own integrity and financial security. Third, your husband is now ready to talk. He has detached himself emotionally from the need to control or compel his Dad to change his ways—which would probably backfire anyway. I understand that some of the options might not be fun, but he needs to avoid pretending that all the power sits with his father. It doesn’t. He only appears powerful when your husband remains in denial about reality. Reality might be that he has to choose between staying in business with a tax cheat and resigning. Resigning might seem like a terrifying option, but it is reality. The sooner he accepts this and gets himself comfortable with it, the sooner he’ll be able to have an adult conversation with his father. From this more responsible posture, he can approach his father and explain the problem. Then he can share his thoughts about the situation and his plan for the future. For example: "Dad, I love you. I love working with you and I want to keep working with you, but I will not do so unless one thing changes. I need you to know that unless we fundamentally change the way we manage our books, I will not stay here. Can we talk about this?" I suspect this will be one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional conversations you and your husband will ever have. Crucial conversations aren’t easy, but they are the pivot points for influence in our lives. I wish you both the best as you contemplate how to defend your integrity, protect your financial security, and influence your father-in-law in a healthy way. Warmly, Joseph Related posts: Mixing Family and Business Financial Family Feuds Family Dysfunction at Work

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes It’s my first day at Fairhaven Junior High School and I learn that every single student in my homeroom (not counting me) had been registered at the elite, private, and very expensive grade school across town when they were still embryos. Then, starting at age five, for the next six years of their lives, they attended that private, elite, and very expensive school where they were showered with tutors, special programs, and brilliant classroom instruction. I, in contrast, had attended a grade school located in the seedier part of town where the primary educational goal was to avoid serious felonies, and our pinnacle educational experience consisted of weaving potholders. Years later, I learned that I had been thrown in with a bunch of brainiacs who (as part of an ongoing research project) were scheduled to stick together throughout their entire junior high school experience. My inclusion in this group had been due to a clerical error. Consequently, on the first day of the 7th grade when Mr. Lewis, our new English teacher, barked, "Diagram this sentence!," I knew I was in trouble. He pointed at a bunch of words he had written on the blackboard as a means of divining how much my brainiac classmates already knew. "Is that a predicate nominative or a predicate adjective?" Tom McMurray inquired. "Do you want us to follow the standard protocol or the Helsinki Variation?" Dorothy Newton asked. "So that’s what a sentence looks like," I quietly muttered. So went my entire pre-college education. Every single day of school, I was reminded of how ill prepared and utterly stupid I was by classmates who, by their fourth birthdays, had been granted memberships to Mensa. Years of constant humiliation passed until one day, I went off to college. I was finally thrown in with a more normal crowd where, with practice, I was able to come up with the occasional right answer. And then, just when I arrived at the point where I figured I wasn’t a total moron, I was admitted to a really challenging graduate school. Once again, I found myself surrounded by people who had been registered for private schools while they were embryos. Not the Fairhaven people, but the big-city version of those people; embryos with an attitude. "How might you use the over-justification hypothesis to explain this phenomenon?" a fellow grad student asked me on day one. "Is that the standard version or the Helsinki Variation?" another student chimed in. Oh boy; four more years of humiliation. Perhaps you shared a similar educational upbringing. For years, you’re the perennial student—always lectured, tutored, mentored, and (to make matters worse) one-upped by the smarty-pants at the head of the class. At least, that’s how it was for me. I thought it would never end. That is, until one day (totally by accident) I learned what it felt like to have people admire me, rather than snicker at my every comment. In my case, my glimpse into a world filled with respect rather than disdain came in late 1979 just about the time my academic self-confidence was hitting its nadir. Noting the low morale amongst grad students in general, our grad-school social coordinator decided to sponsor small-group parties. These gatherings were to be held at faculty members’ homes scattered throughout the city of Palo Alto. The party you were to attend was based on (and I’m not making this up) the first letter of your surname. My wife Louise and I were to attend the P-party. According to our invitation, we were supposed to wear costumes that represented P-things. "What P-things?" I kept wondering until it finally struck me. My wife would go to the P-party as a patient and I’d be her personal physician. She would have psoriasis and pneumonia—the perfect P-problems. When the day of the grand event finally arrived, I borrowed gear from the medical student who lived in the apartment next door. Under his instruction, I put on latex gloves, carried a stethoscope, and donned a complete set of scrubs—including pants, boots, jacket, and hat. I looked as if I had just stepped out of an OR. This particular party took place long before the advent of GPS equipment or mobile phones. So later that evening, when Louise and I became totally lost on our way to the party, I pulled up to a restaurant and ran into the entry. I figured I could use the pay phone to call our hosts and ask for directions. Unfortunately, I didn’t have change for the phone and there was a long line at the cash register. This wasn’t going well. Then it hit me. I didn’t have to wait in any stinkin’ line! Just look at me. I was a physician for crying out loud. Never mind the fact that I didn’t know how to put on a Band-Aid. At that moment I was somebody—and I had on rubber gloves to prove it! "I need change for the pay phone!" I blurted to the restaurant patrons politely standing in line. Everyone turned and stared at me. "And I need it NOW!" Moses held nothing over me. The sea of customers parted as I hustled my way to the counter where the hostess frantically fished out a dime from the cash drawer. Okay, maybe I hadn’t thought this through. Now, a mere ten feet from the counter, I was on the pay phone asking the P-party host for directions and I had to make the call sound like a medical emergency. After all, I had just crashed the line. "Don’t worry, I’ll have the heart there in a few minutes," I blurted as I hung up the phone. The ruse worked. Nobody questioned me. Never mind the fact that I was wearing gloves miles away from what apparently was going to be a home-style heart transplant. These minor inconsistencies were overshadowed by the fact that I was a physician—delivering a heart. And did I mention I was wearing scrubs? I’ll never forget the looks of admiration afforded me by the restaurant patrons I had just hoodwinked. Had my scrubs come with a cape, I swear I would have leaped into the air and flown from the restaurant—so pumped was I from the unadulterated admiration beaming my way. As it was, I turned on my heel, smiled broadly, and shouted: "Thanks folks, you’ve just helped save a life!" With these parting words, I exited the room with a confident flair I’ve never been able to duplicate since. I think one of my eyeteeth actually sparkled. Everyone should have such a moment. Everyone should be given a glimpse into what it feels like to be totally and utterly admired—if for no other reason than to carry them through the dog days of schooling and apprenticeship. Of course, the heady feeling I enjoyed that day was unearned and short-lived, but I did get a big laugh later that evening when I told my P-party grad-school friends what happened. We were each caught halfway between being a trainee and being a "somebody"—or at least a graduate—and were chomping at the bit. We wanted our turn at the front of the class. We wanted the looks of admiration. And while I can’t in good conscience recommend that anyone don surgery garb and crash lines to get a feel for absolute adoration, I can say that if you stick to your books, classes, and work assignments, the day will come when you will be the knowing one. You’re not likely to be the all-knowing one (that’s reserved for those Mensa folks), but some day you’ll be an expert of sorts and it will be well worth the effort. I’ll never forget the day I finally stood in front of a class as an assistant professor. Thirty eager students were all looking at me. That’s right, me, the kid who couldn’t conjugate a sentence. Then I spoke and they listened. Some even took notes. And, of course, some asked questions. "Is that explanation based on social cognitive theory?" a student from the back row inquired. "Are you referring to the standard version or the Helsinki Variation?" I responded. Things were going to be okay.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My seventy-two-year-old company made a decision to make enormous business process changes intended to keep the company competitive in future markets, but these changes have now caused large amounts of complexity and are affecting group cohesion and overall morale. In trying to accommodate this more "agile" process, disengagement has become the norm as each area continues to operate within their isolated silos. Coercion and bullying have sadly achieved more than peaceful collaboration. Having already dealt with intensified levels of stress, a growing population of baby boomers are moving more quickly toward the door. How can upper management, who has created an unfortunate perfect storm, now effectively promote change? What can be done at this point to make a successful transition from the old to the new? Curious Twenty-Something Dear Curious, These days it’s hard to find an organization that isn’t in the throes of reinvention, and the ones that aren’t are probably dead or dying. These gut-wrenching changes can tear an organization apart. So, how do you help your workforce embrace changes that are profound and rapid? I think every organization needs the answer to this question. We at VitalSmarts spend a lot of our time working with organizations to craft answers that work for them. I’ll suggest a few approaches we take. Focus on your Cultural Operating System. Test this metaphor: Organizations are like smartphones in that they have apps and an operating system. A smartphone’s apps include maps, e-mail, music, calendars, games, etc. These apps run on top of the phone’s basic operating system or OS. The OS controls how apps access and use the phone’s basic hardware, making it vital to the success of any and every app. However, as phone users, our attention is mostly on the apps. They are the programs we use every day. We tend to take the OS for granted. The same is true in organizations. We tend to focus on organizational apps—specific strategies, structures, processes, initiatives, and systems—without attending to our organization’s operating system. This operating system, what we call a Cultural Operating System (COS), includes the underlying norms, behaviors, and unwritten rules that determine the success of every organizational app—apps like the agile business processes you refer to in your question. The symptoms you describe as poor group cohesion, discouragement, coercion, and bullying often occur when an organization tries to graft a new app onto a Cultural Operating System that isn’t ready for it. Launch a listening campaign. Leaders need to hear first-hand from a broad swath of employees. This is not the time for a survey or a consultant’s report. Leaders themselves need to lead interviews, focus groups, and "town hall meetings" to learn about the obstacles people are facing. It is especially important for senior leaders to involve two groups: formal and informal leaders. Formal leaders are the managers and supervisors across the organization—everyone who manages people. Informal leaders are the opinion leaders within every group. These people may not have any formal role as leaders, but are respected and looked to for guidance. Leaders need to spend a disproportionate amount of time with these formal and informal leaders, because they are the key to the rest of the organization. The goal of these listening sessions is to discover failure modes, crucial moments, and vital behaviors. Failure modes are the forms failures take—the common patterns that recur. Crucial moments are the times, places, and circumstances when these failures are especially likely. Vital behaviors are the actions that either prevent the failures from happening or turn failure into success in a crucial moment. Look for the purpose behind each strategy. Organizations that are the best at importing new business processes focus on the purpose behind each new process rather than on the process itself. They treat the processes as heuristics that need to be tailored to fit their needs, not as formulas that need to be duplicated without variation. Less successful organizations get caught up in the forms, policies, procedures, and tools involved in new processes—and implement them even when they don’t fit or don’t accomplish their intended purpose. It sounds as if your organization is suffering from this problem. During their listening campaign, leaders should identify crucial moments when people are implementing processes in ways that don’t achieve the intended results. For example, agile processes put a big emphasis on involving stakeholders. However, this involvement can take many forms—and one size doesn’t fit all. Having stakeholders attend design meetings is one way to get involvement, but this approach only works if the stakeholders have the right skill sets and the interest to attend. If they don’t, then teams need to find other ways to involve them. The mistake is to either abandon involvement or stick with involvement that doesn’t work. These mistakes create the kinds of frustration you describe. I hope these ideas give you new ways to examine the challenges your organization is facing. Readers, please add your ideas to the few I’ve suggested here. Thanks, David Related posts: Holding Peers Accountable Without Management’s Support Changing Racist Behavior Surviving Customer Support Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I have invested a great deal of time and effort trying to help and train a young colleague on my team who joined the organization six months ago. However, my colleague consistently ignores the information I’ve prepared and sometimes does what I’ve explicitly asked her not to do. This approach undermines my trust in her. Not only does her behavior feel very disrespectful and unprofessional, but it has also resulted in additional work for me and other members of my team. I’ve already tried to have a crucial conversation with her, but she simply responds that she "already knows" and can manage on her own. I have escalated the issue, but now I’m wondering if there’s anything I could do to influence her positively. Sincerely, Concerned Dear Concerned, From your description of the situation, I am not sure what your relationship is with the "young colleague." I am going to assume you are a team member, but she does not report to you, otherwise I am sure you would not allow her "I already know" and "I can manage on my own" approaches to her job to continue. When you do not have the organizational authority to require someone to complete tasks, your accountability skills can still wield strong influence. In this situation, as with most, begin with a diagnosis. Why is she resistant to your efforts to inform her or train her? Start by factually describing what happened, compare it to what was expected, and then ask a diagnostic question. Try something like, "Jenny, several times over the last six months, I’ve tried to help you, train you, and give you information, but you’ve responded that you already know or you can manage on your own. Last week, I gave you explicit instructions about what not to do and you did it anyway. As a more experienced team member, I feel it’s part of my job to coach you, but it feels like you’re resistant. Am I seeing this right? Help me understand. What’s going on?" Next, listen carefully. Is the problem one of different expectations? Does she think she is not in need of your help? Does she think you are peers and it’s not part of your job to help her? If the problem is one of unclear roles and responsibilities, use this opportunity to clarify expectations including why you are trying to help her. If she disagrees with your explanation, involve her boss so that each of your roles is clear. If she is defensive and withdraws, or acts irritated and becomes argumentative, make it safe by sharing your good intentions. Say something such as, "Jenny, I’m not trying to boss you around or control you. I’m just trying to help you be effective in your job and make sure what you’re doing fits with the rest of the team." Often this simple skill discloses your motive and helps the other person understand you are trying to help, not hurt. If she is not willing to talk it through with you, go over the issues with her boss. If she is willing to engage with you, instruct and motivate with consequences. Consequences provide the force behind all behavioral choices. We are thinking creatures and act based on the consequences we anticipate will result from our actions. Perhaps a young boy practices the piano thirty minutes every day because he knows if he does, he may one day be a great pianist, and he earns fifteen minutes of video game time for each thirty minutes he practices. His expectation that these desirable consequences will result from his practicing motivates him to practice. In addition to motivating us, understanding consequences fills out our mental map. Often we don’t understand how our actions affect outcomes. For example, if I become aware that by letting an incoming call go to voicemail I am providing poor customer service, I might be motivated to answer the call by the third ring. Sharing consequences with others can both educate and motivate. Let’s return to your question. Help motivate your young colleague by sharing the consequences of both cooperating and not cooperating. Here are some examples of what you might say: "Jenny, I offered to train you in the processes we use and you said you already know them. I understand you have experience in this work, but we have modified and customized some of the steps. So if you don’t know how we do it, it will take longer for you to do your job." "Jenny, when I give you instructions not to do something and you do it, the quality of your work suffers. For instance…" "When you don’t follow the procedures I’ve outlined, it causes additional work for me and my team. To meet the deadlines, we have to redo portions of your work, and that’s not fair to them or to me." By sharing the consequences that will naturally occur if she complies, you help give your colleague a lasting motivation to do her job well. For most people, sharing natural consequences will make a difference. If this information doesn’t motivate her to cooperate, then with great reluctance, involve the boss who has the organizational authority to require her compliance. However, expect that when you resort to imposed consequences to motivate someone, you may strain the relationship and make cooperation in the future more difficult. We can’t guarantee the desired outcomes in every crucial accountability conversation, but we have found that these skills, when used well, dramatically increase the likelihood of improving results and relationships. All the best, Ron Related posts: Confronting a Sick Colleague My Colleague Thinks I’m An Idiot Who’s the Boss?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I recently visited my brother who has suffered from severe anxiety for about a year. He’s getting better but things are still tough for him. I noticed that his wife is very impatient with him and at times, I feel, belligerent. It’s very upsetting for me to see this. I understand that the situation is very difficult for her, but I wonder if I can say or do something to help her be more compassionate. I’m trying not to judge her, but I’m not always successful. What can I do to deal with my own feelings and to help her? Sincerely, Trying Not to Judge Dear Trying, If there ever was a question that many people could identify with, it would be yours. Life comes at us fast. In the midst of these changes or crises, loved ones may do things that seem less than effective, even downright wrong. When situations arise we may wonder, "how can I deal with my own emotions and help at the same time?" It is tempting to rely on the company message here. Over the years, we’ve given lots of advice regarding the basic crucial conversations steps. Essentially, that message is to first, get your emotions and motives right; second, find or create a safe time and place to discuss your concerns; and then use all of your best skills to work things out. Ideally, you’d follow all of that with increased sunshine and good feelings. I don’t want to dismiss that as an option because every day, many people step up and help improve sticky situations like the one you have described. However, what I want to share are a few strategies for people who don’t believe they are ready to speak up. I hope to give you some ways for increasing safety and for influencing your sister-in-law’s and brother’s best behaviors. Step 1: Master your stories to manage your emotions. You hinted at this step and I agree with you. The two most common ineffective strategies that people use in situations like this are silence (with gossip) and starting a difficult conversation with emotion and accusation. You don’t want to do either, so I’d ask you to ask yourself a few questions. Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? Could she be stressed? Could she not have skills that would help her with patience or with managing her own frustration? If this were your sister dealing with your brother-in-law, might you see it differently and feel differently? How would you approach it then? Why is your brother doing what he’s doing? How could you help him? It’s been my experience that when I ask myself similar questions, I often find that the situation is more complicated than I had originally thought. Through this process, I become more patient and increase my options for dealing with the situation. We have often taught that we need to work on ourselves first. Asking yourself these questions can help you get your heart and head right before you act or speak. Step 2: Model the behaviors you’d like to see your sister-in-law and brother do and then share the reasons. I have a friend who shared a story that is very much like yours. On a recent family visit, she decided that she would help her brother with a few things and that she would do the same with her sister-in-law. During the weeklong visit, she was an example of listening patiently, of asking questions to get clarity, and of doing the little things that helped her brother. On a few occasions, she explained what she was doing. With her sister-in-law, it might have sounded like this, "It’s harder than it used to be to determine what my brother wants. I have to encourage him more than I used to. That takes some patience." With her brother, she might have noted, "I had to ask three times, before you responded. Can you help me understand why? I want to help, but it’s difficult when I don’t know what to do." She didn’t make a big deal of it. She just did it and said a few words about her reasons. We know the power of a good example. But a good example with a bit of an explanation is even more powerful. Step 3: Praise the positives you see. My friend also used praise to help her sister-in-law and brother see what was effective. When her sister-in-law demonstrated encouragement to her husband or when she showed increased patience, she commented. I imagine it sounded something like: "At noon, when my brother left that mess, I noticed that you smiled during the whole conversation. I know it’s hard to be patient in situations like that. It’s not like it used to be. I’m sure my brother appreciated that. I know I sure admired it. Thanks." Or to her brother, "I enjoyed the story you shared at dinner. It was very positive and helped create a pleasant atmosphere for all of us." Now these are scripts I have imagined. What she said was no doubt more elegant and effective. But the principle is this: if you praise good behaviors and the efforts to improve, and then explain the consequences of those actions, people are more likely to repeat them. Step 4: Be ready to share your intentions. I’m sure as people have read some of these steps they’ve asked, "Yeah, but what if the other person gets upset and says, ‘Hey, what are you trying to do to me—you have an agenda, right?’" That’s when I’d share exactly what I was trying to do. "I do have a purpose. I want to help improve the relationship between you and your husband (or wife). I didn’t want to talk about what I didn’t understand, so I’m trying to be a good example and to praise good listening, patience, and service. I also want to improve our relationship so we talk about issues that really matter. It seems like you’ve had a year of stress and unhappiness, and I’m trying to help." We know that safety is at the heart of healthy dialogue. The foundational components of safety are Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect. Sometimes, we need to work on safety first. We need to clarify what we are trying to do. Often, we need to build trust and respect before we have enough safety to speak up. The steps I’ve suggested are designed to help accomplish that objective and if you act in ways that are building safety, you can share what you are doing and why if someone questions you. That should help you move forward in solving some of these situations that appear when life comes at you fast. At some point, we have all wished for a silver bullet or a magic wand. There is none. What we have are our best efforts supported by our best intentions. I wish you well, Al Related posts: Repairing a Mentor Relationship Seeking an Honest Relationship Change Anything: Saving My Marriage

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My seven-year-old daughter is stuck in a three’s-too-many triangle with two of my neighbor’s daughters. Stakes are high because I don’t want to disrupt ties with my neighbors, but these girls are almost to the point of bullying my daughter. I know kids will be kids, and I don’t know that the discipline of the parents will change. Should I just give up and tell my daughter not to play with them? Do I restrict the girls from playing on our playground? How can I help my daughter deal with the neighborhood "mean girls"? Sincerely, Treading Lightly Dear Treading, I am happy to give you some advice about your problem but want to emphasize that this answer comes with no guarantees of outcome. I have faced this problem twice; once with a mostly successful outcome and another that was not so good. I have eight daughters, and I’ve concluded that it’s very hard for girls to hangout in threesomes. But, alas, I’ve been jaded by my personal experiences and shouldn’t try to generalize. In the situation you describe, there are two issues: the problem of your daughter being excluded and the problem of things being "almost to the point of bullying." I recommend you be most concerned about the bullying problem. I believe there is a tendency for parents to underestimate the pain and damage caused by bullying. It’s a form of violence we should not tolerate. I recommend you speak with the parents of both children, and do the following: Ask yourself, "What do I really want?" You certainly want to stop any bullying and make your daughter safe. You might also want the other girls to be friends with your daughter. This is where I start getting skeptical. I think you can get kids to play together, especially under structured, planned conditions; but to get two children to include another regularly and consistently boils down to their choice. It’s hard to make kids be friends. Nevertheless, work to stop any bullying behavior for sure, and see the threesome as a bonus if things go really well. Gather the facts. This is the homework required to have this kind of crucial conversation. Find out what actually occurred and who said what and why. Don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions about motives. Share your good intentions. When you meet with the parents, begin by sharing with them what you want and what you want to come of this conversation. You might say something like: "Thank you for meeting with me. I want to discuss our daughters and make sure that we nip any problems between them in the bud. I also want to keep a good relationship between us parents. I’m not trying to cause any problems or bad feelings." Describe the gap. Factually describe what happened and compare it with what is expected. You could say, "I spoke with my daughter and she told me when she went to play with Mindy and Jessica, Mindy told her to get lost. She asked what was wrong and Mindy said they didn’t have to play with ‘a stupid baby’ and pushed her. My daughter came home crying. Now, I know that kids will be kids and I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion, but his kind of thing has happened at least once before. I want the three to be friends and to be kind to each other." Ask a diagnostic question and listen. Once you’ve introduced the issue without making accusations and laid out the problem in a non-judgmental way, ask a question to see if the other parents are aware of the problem. Find out whether they have a different point of view. Keep in mind you are not here to pick a fight or place blame. You are having this conversation to solve a problem in a way that preserves your relationships. Try: "Are you aware of this situation? Do you see it differently?" Listen carefully to understand. From this point, the conversation could go many directions. The other parents could be concerned and work with you to resolve the situation, or they might be defensive and protective of their daughters. They could even blow it off and not see it as an issue that deserves their attention. They could split and not agree on what needs to be done. I’m not sure what will come next in your situation, but I believe by starting in the way I recommend, you will avert many problems that could otherwise pop up and decrease the likelihood of your success. You’ll need to be ready with all your skills and clear thinking to get to good outcomes. If the parents don’t respond in the way you would hope, I would counsel you against talking with the two other girls directly. It’s very easy to have your words misunderstood and misconstrued when reported by the children back to their parents. Better to coach your daughter on how to handle the situation with the other girls. Practice what you want her to say to them if she’s confronted, and focus on helping her build other friendships. Remember how fluid relationships can be at such a young age and recognize that today’s apparent brat could easily be tomorrow’s best friend. I hope these ideas help and I hope things work out well. Keep in mind, the most important thing that might come of this: your daughter learns how much you care about her and remembers the things you teach her about dealing with others her age. Because this is a very tricky situation, I encourage other readers to write back in the comment section. What has been your experience? What advice would you give this parent? Ron Related posts: Addressing Your Child’s Teacher Bullying at Work Crucial Conversations for Kids

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes As a boy, I loved to watch Father Knows Best, a TV program showcasing your typical sitcom family of the 50s. One of the more memorable episodes involves a short-wave radio that teenager Bud is refurbishing. When he finally gets the contraption working, he finds himself listening to a conversation between two boats located over a thousand miles away. The signal is bouncing off the ionosphere—making him privy to a conversation between the "Betty Anne," a 34-foot cabin cruiser and other vessels nearby. Soon, the entire Anderson family is drawn into the action as the Allen family aboard the Betty Anne heads into a horrible storm. The Allen’s think the turn in the weather is nothing more than a rainsquall. The Coast Guard sounds a warning of an impending storm. But the two parties can’t hear each other due to local interference. The Andersons, beneficiaries of the signal bounce, can easily hear everyone involved and can’t figure out why someone doesn’t help the Betty Anne or radio the Coast Guard. As the Allens are about to be tossed into the violent sea, the Andersons anguish over their inability to offer help. Completely pulled into the teleplay, I shouted into the TV: "Call the Coast Guard! You know the Betty Anne is about to capsize five miles off Shark Island. You can save the Allens! Just make a phone call!" Finally, after ten minutes of tortuous inaction from the Andersons and constant coaxing from me, Mr. Anderson realizes that he can phone the Coast Guard. He makes the call, saves the Allen family, and I stop yelling at the TV. I walked away from that teleplay vowing that if I were ever in a position where I could spot an upcoming disaster (one that I could foresee but others couldn’t) I’d shout out a warning. Today, I feel as if I’m watching just such an impending disaster, so please allow me to offer up a warning. As you observe young people working their way through school, you can’t help but take notice as they approach certain critical junctures. Early on, they decide whether school is their thing or not. They decide whether grades and studying is their thing or not. And finally, they decide whether math, science, literature, art, or philosophy is their thing or not. There was a time when the subject you chose to master at school, or for that matter, how many years you attended, didn’t exactly seal your financial destiny. When I was young, there were a variety of jobs available for people who barely limped through high school. Manufacturing positions paid good money and offered a solid career path to individuals who were willing to roll up their sleeves and get dirty. In fact, blue-collar positions paid, on average, more than white-collar ones. The joke at the time was that factory workers made more than lawyers. Advanced education seemed more of a luxury than a strategic choice. Circumstances have changed to the point where the data are now crystal clear. While we still have a strong manufacturing core, contemporary firms produce high-tech, high-cost items, built by people who’ve done well in school and have had plenty of it. As a result, on average, American employees make more money with each year they spend in school—all the way through a PhD. So, when youngsters say, "You know, school isn’t my thing." It’s our job to let them know of the disaster that might lie just beyond the horizon. It’s our responsibility to explain that when they distance themselves from school, they might be choosing a job pool and income level they won’t like—and it could last their entire life. In a similar vein, when a youngster says, "I know that school matters, but it isn’t easy for me. I don’t test well. Grades aren’t my thing," alarms should go off in your head. Grades matter a great deal and according to recent research, most people can learn to get good grades if they’re taught how to study. Learning how to learn doesn’t call for rocket science. I’ll never forget the day I graduated from high school and our friend Harry Roller sat me down and prepared me for college by teaching me how to succeed in school. He told me to go to every class and do every assignment. You read the reading assignment beforehand. You leave class and head straight to a quiet place in the library where you don’t study with noisy friends. Instead, you sit down in that quiet spot, review your notes, and prepare for your next class. Reading is a science in itself. You take a short walking break after fifteen minutes. At thirty minutes you take a three-minute break. At sixty minutes, a five-minute break. You start a chapter by reading the questions at the end and pouring over the headings, charts, and models, then you read the chapter. And so forth. We know how to maximize learning. It’s not a mystery. So when young people say grades aren’t their thing, teach them how to earn good grades by helping them improve their study techniques. It’s hard to imagine an investment that has a greater rate of return than learning how to learn. And now for the final danger sign. Say your kids agree that both school and grades matter. Unfortunately, they find math and science to be puzzling. It’s not long until they explain that they don’t like math. Eventually they suggest that they don’t "do" math. After all, they aren’t nerds. With time, they come to frame their disdain for all things quantitative as an asset—sure they’re bad at math, but hey, they have social skills that give them an advantage. For others, math and technology is their thing and they see literature, art, and the like as weak and without scientific underpinnings. While it’s wonderful to find a passion, it’s sad when young people turn this love for one field as a reason for not exploring others. Not only does this narrow framing cut them off from important parts of life, it makes them vulnerable. I used to sit on the admissions committee of a popular master’s program. Demand far exceeded supply so we could only accept a fraction of the applicants. About once a year, one of the local candidates who had been turned down would corner me in the hallway and plead his or her case. "I scored nearly perfectly in the verbal section of the qualifying exam and I won two writing awards. Sure my quantitative score was only average, but my verbal skills more than make up for it." Or: "Did you see my quantitative score? I’m a gifted scientist. Sure, my verbal score wasn’t all that great but . . ." You can see where this is going. I would point out that the students who were accepted scored high in both areas of the test. To be admitted, you have to be able to play with both sets of blocks. It was sad to watch these eager applicants as they realized for the first time that doing well in only one domain simply wasn’t enough to earn them a place on the roster. Of course, all of us are acquainted with people who’ve found ways to work in careers they love, and some of them earn a good living. There are always thousands of exceptions to the rule. Nevertheless, I believe it’s important to let your young family members and friends know the impact of school, grades, study methods, and a balanced skill set. We’ve looked out into the future and like the Anderson family, have observed what could easily be an impending disaster. It doesn’t involve boats heading into a storm; nevertheless it could be disastrous just the same. Allow the next generation of youngsters to dismiss the importance of school, disregard grades, and turn up their noses at whole branches of knowledge and they may face a tumultuous future. I feel it’s my duty to sound a warning. Related posts: Kerrying On: The Sky’s the Limit Kerrying On: The Buck Stops Here Kerrying On: A Disaster in the Making