ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My husband is constantly angry at our fifteen-year-old son. They are always in shouting matches and it drives me crazy. When I walk away from them, my husband says I am "burying my head in the sand." My husband is very negative and set in his ways, and he expects our son to have the same ideas. My husband also verbalizes his disappointment in our son and tells him he is only concerned with himself. Granted, there are times this is true, but he’s a typical teenage boy. He’s sometimes mouthy, but he’s a good kid, works hard even though he may complain, and is never in trouble anywhere but at home. I want to support my husband, but I feel he is often wrong, that he goes too far, and that some of his expectations are unreasonable. When I try to talk about it, he says that I am taking our son’s side and that the only way he can keep the peace is to just shut his mouth and not say anything. He’s not very open to conversation. Help! Signed, End of My Rope Dear End, Aren’t marriages wonderful? And I mean that! Sustained, intimate relationships are usually both the greatest opportunity for personal growth and the greatest challenge of our lives. And they are the former because they are the latter. You are exactly the gift your husband needs, and he may just be the perfect gift for you. Children need both affirmation and influence. It sounds like you’re world-class at affirmation and he has a bias for influence. Unfortunately, many relationships break down because we keep trying to make the other person be good at what we value without properly recognizing our need for what they bring to the party. Now, I’m not suggesting your husband’s approach to influence is the best. But it sounds as though what’s important to him is trying to help bring out the best in your son. And your approach to affirming him may, at times, come at the expense of helping him aspire to higher standards. But that should not take away from the fact that you see great worth and beauty in him. That’s wonderful! So the question is how do you turn conflicting values into complementary ones? How can you and your husband create a relationship where your son gets the best you both have to offer—and where you both learn to offer it in a healthier way? Here are some suggestions: 1. Start with safety. Help your husband know that you value what he is trying to do for your son. Express genuine appreciation for his desire to influence your son to strive. Point out specific ways you can see that your son has benefited from having him as a father. Then scrupulously avoid using the word, "but." Don’t do it! Get it out of your brain. After affirming your value for having a positive influence on your son, don’t go on to say, "But…you often do it about things that aren’t that important." There are no "buts" when you’re affirming people and creating Mutual Purpose. There are only "ands." The fact that you appreciate him wanting to challenge your son is not offset in any way by your desire to also affirm him. The two are complementary, not competing, values. So don’t make it seem like they are in conflict by using the b-word. 2. Motivate with natural consequences. If your husband is reluctant to engage in this conversation with you, think of things that are important to your husband that will help him want to engage. Then share these as you invite him into this complex discussion. Think, for example, about pain, concerns, worries, or problems he may have with you or with your son that are connected to the changes you’d like to discuss. For example, you might say, "John, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can better work together with our son. I know you and I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye. I know you are also frustrated that he has drifted away from you. I also know you don’t like how I criticize you at times about how you handle things. I don’t have a lot of answers, but I want to find a way to help you have the relationship you want and to partner in a way that works for you as we solve problems with him. Could we set aside some time to discuss this?" 3. Work on you first. Realize that while you will have useful feedback for your husband, he will likely see weaknesses in you that you must be willing to hear. Be open and humble. If you get defensive in the conversation, avoid reacting in the moment. Say, "I’m sure there is merit in what you’re saying. I’m feeling defensive right now so I’m going to need time to think about it. Can I do that and then get back with you later to talk about what I will do with these suggestions?" If you are to work together better, it is going to require both of you to change. You will need to be more willing to be part of raising tough issues with your son and holding him accountable. Your husband will need to be willing to learn to do it in a healthier way—and focus on big things while letting go of little things. If you both work on yourselves, you’ll be a potent parenting team for your son. 4. Organize for the long run. Have realistic expectations. If both you and your husband have habits that have been nurtured over a lifetime, they aren’t going to change after one conversation. I suggest you frame this conversation as a starting point, then agree on ways you can help each other stick with commitments you make about how to work together more productively. Be patient with one another as you try new approaches. Expect relapses. I suggest you read our book, Change Anything, as a couple, for ideas on how to create a plan that will help you both make steady progress in changing these habits. I applaud your commitment to your son and wish you the best as you find ways to complement one another, grow together, and give your son the gifts both of you want so much to offer. Warmly, Joseph Related posts: Responding to Unwanted Parenting Advice Gaining Acceptance Having Integrity in a Family Business

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE It all started with what seemed like an innocuous question. And since then I’ve been wondering about a personal training practice to which I hadn’t given much thought recently—specifically the questions I use. My current practice was called into question (here used as figure of speech rather than a reference to the specific training practice mentioned in the second sentence, or the actual inciting question referenced in the first sentence) during our annual REACH conference in August. One of my colleagues, Cricket, made the following statement, "the way you ask questions is a measure of whether you are testing the participants’ understanding or encouraging them to test your own." This really got me thinking, "What kinds of questions do I use?" I realized that many of my questions were pretty darn good (if I do say so my pretty darn self), yet the questions I used to close off a section weren’t so great. And when I got really honest with myself—not so good at all. I typically ask a question like, "What questions do you have about how/where you’d use these skills we’ve just covered?" if anyone responds (and so many times that’s a big IF), it’s usually in the form of a question for me. If I instead ask, "How/where will you be able to use the skill of..?" or, "We’ve been talking about X principle, how would you summarize what it means in your own words?" I get to test how well they’ve understood the main teaching points I’ve been trying to convey, address any inaccuracies, and compare different responses. As I’ve been making a conscious effort to make what might seem like a subtle shift in the types of questions I ask (switching to questions that test their knowledge and understanding), I’ve experienced a noticeable increase in the participants’ ability to understand and apply the training content. Any Questions? Related posts: How can I help participants better understand and benefit from the summary questions at the end of each section of training? From the Road: P is for Practice From the Road: When Does Training Start?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, Here in Australia, we are currently undertaking a safety culture change initiative in my company using your Influencer model. I have an opinion leader who is quite negative about most things, including the Influencer strategies. This opinion leader was involved with the creation and rollout of the Vital Behaviors Roadmap and his positive support would lend great credibility to the program within his crew. How can I harness this person’s passion for positive influence rather than negative? Sincerely, Searching for a Solution Dear Searching, Thanks for an interesting question. What can we do when an influential employee is using his or her influence to undermine an important initiative? I’ve worked closely on an initiative similar to the one you are describing. I can use it to illustrate the broader challenge presented by unsupportive opinion leaders. I’ll begin with a thumbnail sketch of this situation, which will likely sound very familiar. This organization operates open-pit and underground mines. While the firm already has a positive record for workplace safety, the goal of the initiative is to eliminate severe injuries and deaths. The company’s focus has been on changing behaviors, because the majority of accidents happen when drivers speed, when construction workers fail to tie off ladders, and when operators take shortcuts. Herein lies the challenge: we, and the employees we work with, often know what the best safety practices are, but fail to follow them. For example, how many of us stay within speed limits when we drive, or tie off ladders when we clean rain gutters around our roofs? The key to changing these behaviors is broad social support. It’s essential that peers watch out for each other, remind each other, and hold each other accountable for following safety practices. Building this social support will be vital to your initiative. The company took pains to involve two groups of people: formal leaders and informal leaders. Formal leaders include every executive, manager, supervisor, and foreman. All of these leaders have to be on board. Informal leaders include the opinion leaders you referred to in your question. Here is how they identified these opinion leaders: they asked everyone who works in the area to answer the following question: "If you were facing a challenging issue at work and you had time to ask for help, who would you go to for the best, most trustworthy advice?" People could name up to three of their coworkers. They focused on the people who were named most often by their peers. And let me explain what I mean by "most often." Two-thirds of the employees weren’t named by anyone, or were named by only one or two of their peers. These people are not opinion leaders. However, there was a small group—about 8 percent—who were named by fifty or more of their peers. These people are true opinion leaders. Opinion leaders are either your most powerful allies or your most powerful opponents. They are never in between, because, whether you like it or not, people go to them for their opinions and they will be swayed by what these opinion leaders say. So, what do you do when an opinion leader isn’t on board? 1. Take the opinion leader’s concerns seriously. If an opinion leader has concerns, you can be sure others share them. Try to use the opinion leader as a leading indicator or early warning signal. We often involve opinion leaders in focus groups, where the whole purpose is to surface concerns early. 2. Be open to modifying your approach. You can be fairly confident that the opinion leader shares your goal for eliminating serious injuries and deaths. His or her concerns almost certainly involve specific strategies and tactics. Look for common ground and more effective approaches. Opinion leaders tend to be more committed and informed than their peers. Involve them in finding better solutions. 3. Respect the opinion leader role. Don’t try to co-opt opinion leaders or demand they toe the company line. Part of their credibility comes from their independence and you don’t want to undermine that. 4. Support the opinion leader’s right to be skeptical. You want the opinion leader’s understanding and buy-in, not his or her obedience. Explain the big picture reasons for strategies, and be flexible on the forms his or her support takes. In addition, accept that there are differences you won’t be able to bridge. Focus on areas of agreement, instead of demanding total agreement. A skeptic who supports your initiative is the most powerful supporter you can hope to have. 5. Don’t barter for the opinion leader’s support. Some opinion leaders want to include broader or unrelated issues in a sort of negotiation for their support. Don’t go down this path. It turns your safety issue into a commodity, instead of a moral purpose. 6. Ask other opinion leaders to help convince the opinion leader. Sometimes you are the wrong person to have influence with an opinion leader. Perhaps you are a part of an untrusted group, or you have a bad reputation with this person. If you suspect this is the case, ask others to take the lead in gathering and responding to the opinion leader’s concerns. 7. If necessary, remove the opinion leader—but only for cause. You never terminate an opinion leader because of their lack of support. Unlike formal leaders, informal leaders’ support is always voluntary. However, they do need to follow safety policies and keep others safe as well. Workplace safety is a universally accepted and universally mandated part of the workplace. It’s not optional for anyone. I hope these ideas give you tools you can use as you work with this opinion leader. The work can be slow and frustrating, but getting opinion leaders on your side is the key to your success. Best Wishes, David Related posts: Influencing Corporate Policy Overcoming Resistance to Safety Standards Holding Peers Accountable Without Management’s Support

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I’m trying to follow the chain of command in our organization when presenting ideas and suggestions, but the ideas seem to stop at my boss and never get to the people who would benefit from the suggestion or idea. My boss doesn’t like conflict or change, believes that getting along is more important than addressing issues that might cause conflict, and doesn’t see the value in sharing feedback unless it is to tell people they are doing a good job. How can I motivate my boss to take action on ideas presented to him to improve our organization? Regards, Trying to Address Change Dear Searching, You are not alone in feeling stuck in this situation. Many would agree that influencing or motivating upward is a tough challenge. It’s tough to speak to leadership about behaviors that are negatively impacting the quality of work or the quality of work life. It’s tough to speak up about ineffective systems or stifling bureaucracy. It’s tough to tell your boss that you have more on your plate than you can do without feeling like a whiner. It’s tough to speak up when your boss overtly or subtly makes it clear that he or she does not appreciate you speaking up. And a key word here is boss—the person who can impact your ability to make your mortgage payment next month. So, it’s tough. I know that. I’d like to share some advice I’ve formulated over the years. 1. Frame the challenge in the best possible way. This is, of course, a variation on the crucial conversations principles: Master My Stories and Make It Safe. Start by asking yourself, "Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person (yes, your boss) act this way?" Why is he not passing ideas on or not encouraging or inviting others to speak up? What would make it safe enough for him and yourself to have this conversation? Make sure that you clarify Mutual Purpose and are prepared to be very respectful when you bring up the issue. You want to make sure you come across as curious and helpful rather than frustrated and judgmental. Also, don’t speculate and focus on the possible negative outcomes. We often exaggerate possible negative consequences and underplay the positives. That strategy causes us to vote for staying silent—thus voting for the status quo. 2. Talk about the right issue. In tough situations, we are often tempted to bring up a simple, easy topic and not the real one. In your particular case, the easy issue is that you made a suggestion and it wasn’t passed on. The real issue is that your boss has a pattern of not passing on ideas and that means that you and your colleagues face the same problems at work week after week. The real issue may be that you see yourself and others becoming disengaged and thinking that nothing can be done to change the situation. As a part of your preparation, you’ll want to do a consequence search. What are the consequences of the boss’s behavior? Who is being impacted? Teammates, other departments, customers, you? How? When you find the consequences, you are prepared to talk about the tougher issue. 3. Make sure it’s safe, then talk. Not all times and situations will be equally safe for your boss. Of course, the first goal is to make it safe by mastering your clever stories and getting your motives and emotions right before you open your mouth. When you meet with your boss, if your face is saying that you’ve held court in your head and found him or her guilty before your mouth says anything, the boss will hear the first message. Also, you should consider other factors that create safety. You don’t want an audience. Privacy makes this conversation safer. You will also want to choose a good time. You will know if there are better times—some people are more receptive and have fewer work demands or stresses during certain times of the day or week. And when you talk, start with an observation and question, not a conclusion and emotion. It’s always hard to create scripts in a vacuum, but one that might be helpful is: "I’ve been excited about the new employee involvement program the company has initiated. I’ve noticed a pattern over the past three weeks. Each week, two or three suggestions were given to you and I hear that those have not been passed on to the committee. I’m wondering if we could talk about that. Would that be okay?" In your conversation, you want to honestly and empathically understand the reasons and jointly seek solutions. 4. Know what you’ll do if it doesn’t work. There are a variety of responses you can expect. 1) You and your boss talk about it and find a solution or not—but you are talking and that’s progress. 2) The boss agrees to a solution and then doesn’t change (which leads to another conversation about the pattern and the relationship). 3) The boss gets angry—maybe loudly, maybe quietly. On a bell curve this response is an anomaly and yet many people magnify the tail end to be the middle of the curve. They inflate the small percentage of this happening to a large number and thus choose silence and gossip rather than speaking up. If you play the real odds, you choose speaking up in a safe way. Whatever the reaction, it’s always wise to have some backup plans. If it doesn’t go well with your boss (it’s not safe, he gets emotional, etc.) there are two possible backup plans you might consider: a. Share your intentions and excuse yourself. Tell him that you brought up this topic to improve the results and teamwork in the company and that you didn’t intend to cause him any stress. Express thanks for his time and find a way to leave. b. Suggest a team approach. If appropriate, you might propose that the improvement program can be done by members of the team. After the suggestions are vetted by the team, one team member could take them to the Employee Involvement Committee. This might fit your boss’s preference or style better. For either of these plans, you need to assess what is happening in the moment and what might be the best next step. The point here is that you’ve anticipated some next steps, so when one option ends, you have a way forward. Preparation and sound anticipation improve confidence. Speaking up to your boss can be tough. Yet I remind you that if you don’t speak up, you are voting for the status quo. Also, if you gossip or speak up in a frustrated, angry, or judgmental way, you’ve diminished the relationship. Either way, you have become part of the problem. On the other hand, if you can speak up in a safe, considered, and planned way, you are much more likely to solve the problem and build the relationship. I wish you well, Al Related posts: A Boss’s Drinking Problem Chaotic Boss Crucial Conversations With a Strict Boss

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes When I was a young boy, I lived with my parents and older brother in a one-bedroom house at the end of a long dirt road in the middle of the forest. Couple this isolation with the facts that we didn’t own a TV and our car wasn’t roadworthy enough to go very far, and it would be correct to conclude that I lived a rather cloistered childhood. By the time I was six, I doubt that I had ventured more than three miles from our home. I remember the day when all of this changed. Our neighbor, Wilson Cowslip, asked my mother if it would be okay to take me to the county fair with his son Billy. Mom smiled broadly and told him, "Sure, it should be fun." I had no idea what a county fair was, but since mom smiled so broadly at the mere mention of the place, I jumped at the chance. Later that day, as we drew near the fair, we happened upon a snack stand where I realized that, for the very first time, I was about to step upon sacred ground. There stood a shed that contained foods and confections I had never dared to imagine. I immediately settled on a hank of cotton candy and after sampling it, couldn’t believe that I had never before tasted such a wonderful invention. Where had they been hiding this delectable treat? Next came my very first candy apple. It was so beautiful I only licked at it for fear that I would destroy its luminous shine. And then came a fat, juicy bratwurst. Holy cow! Why had I been eating hotdogs all my life when bratwurst existed? From there, the three of us walked to the midway where I learned that you could win terrific prizes by completing various feats of hand-eye coordination. After throwing baseballs at bottles so long and so poorly that the worker operating the concession took pity on me, I won a celluloid stuffed monkey that I loved so much I wouldn’t let go of it for the next two days. Then came the real animals. The first structure we entered housed pedigreed rabbits, guinea pigs, and pigeons. Each animal was more bizarre and beautiful than the previous. Huge fuzzy ears, radiant tail feathers, fur so thick it covered the animal’s eyes—could there be anything more adorable? Some of the pigeons, I learned, if released into the air, would do summersaults. Imagine—acrobatic birds! Next came the show animals. There was a bull so large you could have fit our entire house on its back. Nearby were chickens so colorful that they looked like they had escaped from a Disney movie. At one point, I came across a steer whose horns were so sharp and long, I stood frozen on the spot. I couldn’t move. Where had this all been before I visited the fair? Certainly nowhere near our house on 25th Street. When I finally arrived home that evening, I nearly dislocated my arms, so wild were my gesticulations as I described to my mom and dad the wonders I had seen for the very first time. That day, I must have experienced over a hundred "first times." But the wonder soon faded. With time and repeated exposure, the new became the recent until the recent eventually wilted into the old. Consequently, twenty years later when the local county fair was promoted on TV, I wasn’t the least bit interested—that is, until my boys begged me to take them. I reluctantly agreed. And then something marvelous transpired. When the three of us arrived at the fair, the tired old place was made new to me through the eyes of my boys. It was their first time. Even though they had lived a far more diverse life than I had as a boy, they were still excited by the sounds, smells, and sites of the fair. My sons reveled as they stood in the shadow of the enormous animals. And so did I. They purchased massive turkey drumsticks and walked around chewing on them like pirates, shouting "Arrrg!" And so did I. Then came the coup de grâce. Each of us bought a mystery box at the rock-house display, poured out the sand, and discovered our very own thunder egg—complete with accompanying quartz crystals. Now my sons weren’t merely pirates, they were treasure-toting pirates! And so was I. Later that day, as I sat at home basking in the glow of a successful outing, I slowly became aware of something I had experienced before, but now I had a name for it. While it was true that I would never have the same first-time experience I’d had years earlier by simply returning to the fair (or something equally grand)—if my children accompanied me and experienced the event for their first time, I could enjoy a second first time through their eyes. We do such things all the time. We take a friend to a play we’ve already seen, not simply to view the play again, but to watch our friend and borrow a bit of their first-time reaction. When we do, we enjoy a second first time. It took another twenty years for researchers to fully understand this particular phenomenon. As it turns out, human brains are filled with what are now known as mirror neurons. When others are experiencing an emotional event, our mirror neurons are set into action. As these information-transmitting cells fire, we don’t merely understand what is happening to the other person or feel sympathetic toward him or her—it’s as if the experience is actually happening to us. Mirror neurons are the font of all vicarious experiences. Mirror neurons give us a second first time. I know this sounds strange, but I can be a bit purposeful when it comes to exploiting my own mirror neurons. Aware of the power of these tiny cells, I look for chances to hitchhike off the emotions of the uninitiated. At the age of 67, I volunteer my time by teaching an MBA class where newcomers help remind me of why I love the field. I serve as a mentor at work by meeting once a week with a young employee and discussing the history of our books and products. Oh yes, and with regards to my grandchildren, I can’t wait to take them to new sights and experiences where I can enjoy a third first time. As a parting comment, I’ll concede that not all first-time experiences fade and can only be revived by a second first time. We have titanium-like experiences that don’t wear, rust, or weaken with use. In fact, they can be experienced over and over and never lose their luster. I was reminded of this fact yesterday when my daughter shared the following experience. As she watched her five-year-old son Tommy play with action figures, complete with cute sound effects, she turned to him and said, "I love you Tommy." He looked up at her, smiled, and responded, "I know mommy." Then, after thinking about it for a moment he looked up again and said, "But you can keep telling me." Some things just never get old.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE One of the most humbling—and to me, sacred—experiences I’ve had over the past thirty years has been hearing stories like those of Laura and Jim below. I say "sacred" because I realize more fully now that when we founded VitalSmarts, our mission meant entering some of the most intimate areas of people’s lives. Our goal was to discover key skills and insights that would assist people in solving the important human problems they faced. Since then, we’ve heard stories from many of the millions who have given us the privilege of entering those places with them. Through our work, we’ve been part of conversations between parents and struggling teens, couples on the brink of divorce, managers struggling with problem employees, and leaders agonizing over how to lead change. To those of you who have offered us this honor, thank you. And to those who are just entering this wonderful community of learning and growth, welcome! Warmest wishes, Joseph Laura’s Story: Putting Family First When Laura met with her father in April of 2012, she had no idea what a lucrative meeting it would be! They had a great relationship and she had no complaints about her childhood. But when they met that day he unburdened his heart about several incidents in her childhood that weighed on him. As a teenager, Laura found a well-paying job and her dad directed her to buy a car using the money she earned. However, both of her sisters used the family car and did not purchase cars of their own until much later. As Laura prepared to enter college, she decided to attend a local community college while her sisters both attended universities with significantly higher tuition and fees. Laura was the first of her sisters to get married and she paid for her own wedding. However, when both of her sisters were married, her parents made financial contributions to both of their weddings. Laura’s father handed her a check for $3,000 as a way to compensate her for these three areas where he felt she was not treated equally. Laura was taken aback by both the check and the issues that so greatly concerned her father. But the next thing he said blew her away—he told her he would give her cash every year until he felt she was fully compensated! She was very grateful, as finances had been a struggle recently. A year passed, and it was now spring of 2013. April came and went without a check, then May, then June. Laura started feeling angry. She recognized that she wasn’t mastering her emotions and began telling herself stories about why her father had not kept his word. And, instead of facing the conversation, she merely dropped hints. But after completing training in Crucial Accountability, Laura decided she would not slip into awkward silence and instead used her new skills. After all, the compensation plan was her dad’s idea and she wanted to speak to her father in a way that would resolve the issue without causing a new one. Laura mustered the courage to talk to her dad. She felt it was important to deal with her violated expectations without damaging their close relationship. She was living with a failed promise and needed to find resolution and understanding. Through the course of her accountability discussion, she explained her expectations and then allowed him the opportunity to explain his actions. How Laura used her skills: Describe the Gap: Laura identified what she expected to happen versus what actually happened. Choose What and If: She unbundled the situation using CPR and addressed this as a content and relationship issue. Laura wanted her father to follow through on his promise, and she valued the relationship and herself enough to not want to experience this frustration again the next year. Master My Story: She stopped telling herself negative stories about her dad and listened to what he had to say. Make it Motivating/Easy: Laura reminded her father of his previous promise and held him accountable to it by addressing it with him. Move to Action: They agreed on a plan for when she would receive the money and she followed up with a thank you call once she received it. Because of the skills she learned in Crucial Accountability, Laura not only received the compensation she was promised, but she preserved her relationship with her father—something of infinite value. Jim’s Story: Winning the Weight Loss Game In November of 2011, Jim attended a training conference in Scottsdale, AZ. As it happened, David Maxfield, coauthor of Change Anything, was also there. Jim attended David’s presentation and felt it was one of the most valuable experiences of his life. He received a copy of Change Anything and remembers eagerly reading it on his long flight home. He decided he needed to know more and signed up for a local Change Anything Training. He was so impressed by the change model he learned, he decided he would like to share this newfound knowledge with others. Even though he was not in a training role by profession, he received special permission from his manager to become a trainer and bring the course back to his team. In the course of Jim’s learning, he decided to test the Change Anything principles in his own life. He began a personal weight loss journey that drastically improved his health, energy levels, and outlook on life. At the author’s recommendations, Jim took a hard look at his default future. He recalled an experience in 1999 when his father underwent triple bypass surgery after struggling with several health issues; one of these issues was weight management. Jim had to sign the paperwork regarding who would be the decision maker if his father did not regain consciousness after surgery. Jim reflected on his own children—two teenage girls. Did he want them to face such an experience? So Jim put Change Anything to the test. He found that his crucial moments were getting to the gym after work, his lunch selections, and what he snacked on before dinner. He recognized that getting motivated to go to the gym after work left room for him to make excuses not to go. For lunch, he often went with friends to a location that had a Chinese buffet, an Indian buffet, and a Five Guys Burger and Fries. He visited each restaurant at least once a week. He also noticed that he drank soda with his lunch and ate more food as a result. When he got home from work, he snacked on chips or cookies before dinner. Jim focused on the following vital behaviors to counterattack these crucial moments. If he was going to fit a workout into each day, he would have to do it first thing in the morning. For lunch, he’d visit his company’s recently revitalized salad bar—keeping his head down and walking straight to the salad bar without glancing at the other tempting options. He also chose water instead of soda to accompany his meals. Before dinner, he made sure that fresh fruit and almonds were available to snack on. Jim reviewed the Six Sources of Influence and found ways to plan for each. Personal Motivation: Jim wanted to be around for his wife and daughters. He also wanted to stop taking cholesterol medication. In order to stay motivated, he kept pictures on his phone depicting his starting weight. He also created a personal statement, reminding him of how he felt when his father went in for surgery. He didn’t want his daughters to have to face a similar situation with him. Personal Ability: Jim began using an online tracking tool called myfitnesspal.com to assist him in tracking his calories as well as to better understand how many calories he was actually consuming. He finally realized what his mindless eating was doing to his health after seeing that one meal from his favorite burger joint totaled 1500 calories. For exercise, he found videos he could do that were very structured, like INSANITY and P90X. He was much more motivated to complete his daily exercise because he didn’t have to go to a gym and try to create his own workout regimen. He was able to use the spacious workout facility at work before he reported to work for the day, ensuring he actually got his workout in. Social Motivation & Ability: Jim’s wife was very encouraging and they planned a cruise for the following summer. He knew he wanted to be in better shape before donning a swimsuit in public. He also used the message boards on the myfitnesspal.com where he read other’s contributions; he saw what others struggled with, and what methods they used to overcome those challenges. Structural Motivation: As a reward for reaching his goals, Jim allowed himself a favorite dessert at the end of the week if he stayed on track. As he lost weight, he recognized the need for new clothing and bought nice shirts to reward his hard-earned efforts. Structural Ability: Jim also used myfitnesspal.com to track his weight loss. He entered his starting weight into the tool and made sure to weigh himself often in order to keep on top of any fluctuations he noticed. Results: By using the Six Sources of Influence, Jim lost over forty pounds in eight months. More importantly, he no longer has to take cholesterol medication! All of his health numbers have improved, he has more energy, and his friends and family have commented on how much healthier and happier he looks. Related posts: Crucial Applications: New Year’s Advice from Joseph Grenny on Forbes Joseph Grenny Introduces Crucial Conversations Second Edition Joseph Grenny on ABC News: Asking for Vacation Time

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I recently joined a new company that I love. The technology and services I will be working with are cutting-edge and I’m excited to be part of this thriving organization. The only downside, if you can even call it that, is that the majority of my colleagues, and even my supervisor, are significantly younger than me. While I’ve known this from the beginning of the hiring process and it’s something I willingly stepped into, I’m simply wondering if you can share tips for navigating an environment where I’m now the "old guy" and the pace and attitude of my colleagues is somewhat different than I’m used to. Sincerely, Old Guy Dear Old Guy, Hmmm…pace and attitude. That’s worth giving some thought to. I was about to offer some nifty Crucial Conversations advice about "negotiating stories" and "setting expectations"—and I’ll offer that in a moment. But as I re-read your question, the words "pace and attitude" jumped out at me. So my first advice is to do a gut check and set some boundaries for yourself. Here’s why. I worked with an executive team once that was riddled with resentment and mistrust. As we unraveled the pain I discovered that a couple of the executives joined the team after their company had been acquired by the current firm. These guys were brilliant, but had run a "lifestyle" business; one in which they worked a bit, earned a lot of money, developed great products, but had lots of time to windsurf in the early evenings and weekends. They also happened to be a smidge older than their new colleagues. The acquiring firm was chock full of young guns with boundless energy who were used to the pace of a startup tech company. These folks slept in their offices and ate pizza for breakfast. It wasn’t long before the lifestyle guys resented the young guns and vice versa. One side saw the other as soulless, while the other saw the former as lazy. As we sifted through the crucial conversations and unraveled the stories they had concocted about each other, the lifestyle guys did a gut check. They asked, "What do I really want?" They realized they did not want to spend the next three years living on energy drinks and Cliff Bars. As they clarified their boundaries and presented them to the rest of the team, they realized they were at an impasse. They were unable to develop a creative solution that wasn’t an unacceptable compromise. So, the two walked away; somewhat amicably. This sobering experience urges me to encourage you to do the gut check now rather than later. Be sure you know if your different "pace and attitude" could run afoul of work norms (hours, pace, quality, ethics) in the new firm. Determine what your boundaries are, what you really want, where you are willing to compromise, and where you aren’t. Then you’re ready for the crucial conversations. These conversations will help you 1. Set expectations and 2. Negotiate stories. First, be sure to talk openly with your new colleagues about "pace and attitude" expectations. For example, what kinds of hours constitute "full engagement?" How will you assess one another’s contribution? How do people connect with each other socially? Etc. You’ll do a better job generating a set of questions than I can by simply noticing what’s strange to you in the new place and exploring whether these are norms or just coincidences. Second, negotiate stories. This means that you must surface any ways you will diverge from norms clearly up front and let people know why you are behaving the way you are. That will help them draw proper conclusions. For example, my "lifestyle" friends could have saved a lot of heartache for themselves and others had they held a crucial conversation shortly after joining. They could have said, "I really respect the pace and attitude you all have about working long hours. At this stage of my life I am not willing to do that. And yet, I think I can make a contribution if you can accommodate my 40-hour weeks. Please understand, this is a life choice, not laziness. And then let’s talk in three months to see if it feels fair and workable to all." My guess is, if this had been done well, others would not have seen them as slackers, but as choosers. It may still not have been a "fit"—but they would have discovered that, without so much conflict. I wish you the best in the new venture. Warmly, Joseph Related posts: Working With a Negative Boss Working Behind the Scenes Working with a Difficult Employee

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I try to use crucial skills in my workplace but have struggled to sound genuine and have even turned people off with my approach. I’m no actor and I sometimes have to take a moment to recall some techniques. However, I’m worried that I might still be coming off as too calculated because of some of the formulas I generally follow. For example, during a content or pattern conversation I use a contrasting statement, then describe what I noticed versus what was expected, and finally end with a question as to why that was the case or what info I am missing. Judging by the other person’s silence, I get the feeling they feel put off by what probably seems like an insensitive show, but I don’t know how to make it any more natural. I’m being as candid as possible while trying to avoid all of my own messy emotional reactions. Have you encountered similar resistance to your techniques before? Yours Truly, Awkward Actor  Dear Awkward, Thanks for your question. New skills often feel awkward at first, and the last thing you need is awkwardness when you’re trying to be your very best. I do have a few tips that might help. Sense and respond. First, walk away from the formula. Instead of using the skills as a series of sequential steps, use the process as a map. Listen to the other person, ask yourself where you are on the map, and then respond. This sense-and-respond process will feel more natural for you and for the other person because it puts a greater emphasis on listening. It makes you more responsive to what others say, and it makes your responses more brief. Here’s an example. Suppose you begin with Describe the Gap. State the facts about what you expected and what you observed, and then pause to listen. As you are listening, ask yourself where you are on the map: "Do they understand and agree with what I expected?" "Do they agree with what I observed?" "Are they telling themselves a different story about the gap?" and "Are they feeling unsafe?" Depending on what you hear, you will respond with another skill. For example, if they don’t agree with the expectation, you will review the facts. If they are telling themselves a different story about the gap, you will use CPR. If they appear to be feeling unsafe, you will use a contrasting statement or another skill to restore safety. Get your heart right. We used to try to teach fairly sophisticated acting skills, such as how to look concerned, how to appear nonthreatening, and the like. In fact, one of my side jobs in graduate school was with a legal firm, teaching witnesses how to appear less shifty-eyed under cross-examination. But that’s a whole different life. What we learned is that if we get our heart right, all the subtle nonverbal cues we send out become consistent with our message, and we become natural. However, if we don’t get our heart right, then few of us are good enough actors to appear to be anything but awkward, unnatural, and insincere. So we no longer try to turn ourselves into actors. Instead, we change our hearts. I’ll remind you of a couple of mental skills for getting your heart right. First, use the Start With Heart skills. Ask yourself what you really want long term—for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. Let that long-term goal be your North Star. It should guide your conversation and keep you on track. Second, use the Master My Story skills. Remember, when we feel frustrated or angry, it’s because we’ve drawn an ugly conclusion about the other person. We are telling ourselves an ugly story. Change your emotions by interrogating your story. Here are three questions I use to interrogate ugly stories: a) "Do I really have all the facts I need to be certain my story is accurate?" b) "Is there any other more positive story that would fit this same set of facts?" and c) "Why might a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?" Asking myself these questions changes my emotions by opening my mind to new and different stories. Don’t worry too much. Once you have your heart right, don’t worry too much about the rest. People focus on your heart, not your head; they focus on your motivations and intentions, not your facts, logic, and argument. Others may see that you are frustrated or angry with them, but they will also see you are trying to control your anger, and that you respect and care about them. And that’s a good message to send. Stop sooner and more often to listen. At VitalSmarts, we’ve spent a lot of time studying opinion leaders—people who are especially respected by their peers. However, there is another line of research—people who study "low self-monitors." Here are two hallmarks of being a low self-monitor: a) If you think of a conversation as taking turns, low self-monitors don’t give you your turn. They monopolize conversations. b) Once you do get a chance to speak, low self-monitors don’t sense and respond. They don’t change course based on what you’ve said. For example, if you say, "I’ve already heard that joke," prepare yourself, because you are about to hear it again. What we’ve learned is that we are all likely to make these two errors when we’re in a crucial conversation. We want to be at our best, but we act like a low self-monitor. Can you see why? We tend to focus on ourselves and on what we’re trying to say, and we stop focusing on the other person. The trick to avoiding this trap is to stop and get the other person to respond sooner and more often. Practice and make the skills your own. My final tip is to find your own words and phrases. Integrate the skills into your everyday conversational style. Set aside some places and times when you will look for chances to use a skill here and a tool there—not the whole process but pieces of the process. Practice the pieces and make them your own. You’ll find the process becomes a part of yourself. Best Wishes, David Related posts: Recovering from a Crucial Conversation Owning Up To a Crucial Conversation Facing a Crucial Conversation?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes The following article was first published on December 15, 2010. Thirty years ago, after landing my first consulting job, I could hardly wait to get started. For years, I had studied how to change the world and now it was my turn to roll up my sleeves and actually do something. The goal of this particular project was to take an adversarial, punitive, and authoritarian corporate culture and turn it into a productive, team-oriented place. At least, that’s what the plant manager requested. "And I want it soon!" the agitated manager told me over the phone. "Or heads are going to roll." As I drove to the airport on my way to the anxious manager’s factory, I couldn’t help but notice a bumper sticker sported by several of my neighbors. The popular sticker stated rather immodestly, "Irvine: Another Day in Paradise." Several hours later, as I exited the Wayne County Airport on my way to visit the client, I noticed Detroit’s version of the home-town promotional slogan on a sweatshirt: "Detroit: Where the Weak Are Killed . . . and Eaten." Later that day, as I interviewed hourly employees, I got my first glimpse into the rather un-paradise-like nature of the company I was supposed to help fashion into a paragon of cooperation. When I asked the question "If you ran this place, what changes would you make?" the employees immediately started ridiculing their leaders. At one point, they told of a supervisor throwing a heavy ashtray through a plate-glass window and then chopping up a breaker box with a fire ax—you know, to get his team’s attention. Later, during that same interview, a rather animated employee explained that the ashtray-hurling supervisor’s direct reports eventually grew tired of his shenanigans and one Friday afternoon chased him out to his car. When he climbed on top of it for safety, they lit the car on fire! Then things turned from scary to complicated. As I interviewed a group of supervisors from whence this ashtray thrower came, they (much to my surprise) seemed reasonable and rational—nothing like the slavering maniacs their direct reports had just described. In fact, they appeared rather pleasant. The supervisors did share one thing in common with their direct reports. They had a bone to pick with their own bosses, the superintendents who, in their words, were authoritarian monsters. Of course, when I met the superintendents, they seemed quite professional, and—you guessed it—they pretty much loathed their bosses, the managers. As it turns out, everyone at this rather frightening factory blamed everyone else for their problems and everyone—based upon the unprofessional actions of their bosses—felt justified in their own counterproductive behaviors. Why? Because everyone deserved whatever you gave them. And this wasn’t a problem unique to this particular factory, city, or region. As my career has unfolded, I’ve run into similarly violent and reactive places all around the country. Not everyone lights cars on fire, of course, but the idea of dealing back what you’ve been dealt is still widely shared. It seems one of the values reflected in today’s video games, TV shows, and movies has left its mark. All encourage revenge. For instance, the longest running TV show of my generation, started with the "bad guy" riding into town, getting off his horse, spitting on a nun, and pistol-whipping a schoolmarm. Then, for a full 55 minutes, the good guys sought revenge on that pistol-toting bad guy, who, as we all knew, deserved whatever he got. And to this day, this same troublesome theme continues on the screen. I recently mentioned our seemingly insatiable thirst for revenge to my next-door neighbor and he chuckled softly and stated, "I have the same problem with my own children. They’ll be in the middle of a squabble, I’ll ask one of them what’s going on, and my oldest son will invariably come back with, ‘It all started when he hit me back!’" "It all started when he hit me back!" What a clever encapsulation of a contemporary malaise. As long as others mistreat us, we can mistreat them right back. Because, well, they deserve it. I’ve thought about this issue for quite some time, and as many of you know, it permeates our writing. For example, the principle of working on ourselves first from Crucial Conversations suggests we need to think less about exacting revenge on others and more about our own style under stress. Equally true, maybe we shouldn’t mirror the very behavior we loathe. Transforming others into villains and viewing ourselves as heroes also fuels the fires of getting even. In short, in both our training and books we teach that responding to violence with violence is a bad thing, and I believe we’ve made some progress. In fact, in that first factory where a supervisor wielded an ax, leaders learned to effectively handle high-stakes, emotional conversations, and over the next two years violence decreased significantly. Today, I hope to take this message to a new audience: children. Actually, I’m hoping you’ll pass the message along for me. I know, asking a favor deviates quite a bit from your standard business newsletter, and writing something for children—why that’s virtually unheard of. But it’s my hope that if we can set kids on the right path while they’re still young, they’ll be better prepared for the unrelenting stream of invitations to violence that will most assuredly assault them as they turn on their TVs, play their video games, go to movies, and eventually show up at work. So, with the children in mind, and in the spirit of the holiday season, I’ve written a rather Seussian children’s tale that I hope you’ll share with the young ones in your world. It’s not about mistletoe, snowmen, and the like, but apropos to the season of love and tranquility, it shares a message of peace—the kind of peace one creates through a healthy and loving response to how others treat us, even when they’re being naughty, not nice. For this holiday, I plan on reading it aloud to my grandchildren. You might consider doing the same. Download Story Here Related posts: Kerrying On: A Holiday Gift for the Children Kerrying On: A Christmas Gift Kerrying On: My Favorite Gift

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, At work, many times we have to say no to internal customer requests because they aren’t priorities or because we aren’t the people who can help them. The problem is that our staff has learned to say no too well and it’s becoming a negative experience for our internal customers. What ideas do you have for saying no without turning off our internal customers? Signed, Dr. No  Dear Dr. No, What auspicious timing. I’ve been thinking about this very topic because of a recent experience I had in the Philadelphia Airport. Having just finished working with a group of remarkable leaders from Southeast Asia, I was in a pretty perky mood when I approached the reservation agent to check in. I offered a cheery "Hello!" to the agent, who simply stared at me in response. At first I assumed she might be deep in thought on some other topic, so I said a bit louder, "Good afternoon!" She cocked her head to the side, closed and opened her eyes slowly, and said, "I heard you. What do you want?" Apparently her day wasn’t going as well as mine. I told her my destination, handed her my ID, and then asked, "Is my flight on time?" To which she answered… drum roll… "No." I thought I saw a slight smile creep up her face. Now, the information she provided me was highly accurate. So why did I feel less than grateful for her highly accurate information? It wasn’t the no that hurt, it was the story I told myself about the no. When you tell people no, there are two problems you can create; the first is disappointment. The second, disrespect. The first says, "The world isn’t going to work the way you hoped it would." The second says, "And I don’t really care!" While you may occasionally need to create the first problem, you need never create the second. In fact, the first one feels less vexing if delivered by someone who assiduously avoids the second. Here are some things to keep in mind when delivering a no. Find a way to say yes. Even if you can’t do everything the customers want, show you care by finding a way to mitigate the disappointment. For example, if you try to make a reservation at one of Danny Meyer’s highly popular New York restaurants, there’s a 90 percent chance the time and date you want won’t be available. Reservation agents, therefore, always come up with a yes they can add to their no. "I’m so sorry, Mr. Grenny, that time doesn’t work at the Union Square Café, but I can get you in at Gramercy Tavern. Or, perhaps I could move your time back two hours and then I can find you a table at Union Square…" When delivering bad news, show you care by proposing alternatives: different times, smaller requirements, other resources the customer can use, etc. Help, don’t scold. It sounds as though part of your problem is that people make requests of your team that don’t fit your scope or role. Of course, it would be highly inefficient and a misuse of your scarce resources to say yes when your duties are in another direction. In this case, you can still show you care by not just saying, "We don’t do that," but actually taking the customer’s hand to guide them to the place that does. For example, while on the same trip to Philadelphia I stayed at a wonderful Ritz Carlton hotel. In the morning, I donned my exercise clothes and rode the elevator to the lobby then looked around confusedly for the Fitness Center. A housekeeper noticed my lost look. Rather than simply saying, "It’s not here, doofus," she said, "Follow me." She walked me to the elevator, called for an elevator car, then pushed the appropriate button and wished me a good workout. Manage the story. An unexplained no feels much different from a no with a reason. For example, when the reservation agent said no, I realize now that I instinctively searched her face to see whether she cared. Perhaps the smile I thought I saw didn’t really happen. But you and I are hard wired to assess the motives of people we interact with. When we enter a room, a significant amount of cognitive processing power is spent scanning the room for social, emotional, or physical threats. Evolutionary biologists suggest that this automatic behavior is highly adaptive. When someone tells us no, our brains kick into assessment mode to determine whether this person is celebrating our disappointment (meaning they are a potential threat) or is sympathetic with it. All you need do to communicate the latter and avoid the former is offer a small explanation. There is a seven-second difference between "The movie is sold out" and "I’m sorry, we just sold the last ticket. A large group of senior citizens came in a bus to this showing." But the two feel much different. I’m impressed that you are aware of the need to offer a different kind of no. It speaks to your concern for your customers and desire to serve. Best Wishes, Joseph