I hear this question from participants almost every time I facilitate Crucial Conversations. Here are some thoughts: I often ask participants, "When you are trying to push (interesting choice of words) your purpose? What is your strategy?" The common response, in one form or another, is usually "verbal persuasion." At that point, I usually pull a Dr. Phil on them and ask them, "How’s that working for you?" The response is often, "Not so good!" After some gentle questioning and exploring of others’ paths, many participants come to the conclusion that verbal persuasion is usually not a Mutual Purpose process but rather a "Your Purpose" process. I then ask, "So, what do you do when verbal persuasion fails you?" You can see learners put on their thinking caps. The customary response to that question is, "We usually compromise at that point." And that leads us to the following question: "Is compromise a bad thing when you are trying to create Mutual Purpose?" In life we make many compromises. We compromise in our homes with loved ones. We compromise at school with fellow students and teachers. We compromise at work with fellow employees, bosses, and other stakeholders. You may even have to compromise with the IRS! (Whoa—too much information!) Compromising is not a bad thing when you are stuck, but there are better options. Merriam-Webster defines a compromise as "a settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions." And there’s the rub. A mutual purpose feels good—both parties contributing to the Pool of Shared Meaning and achieving something they care about. A mutual concession doesn’t feel that good—the pool feels like it has sprung a leak. When you compromise, it is sometimes very difficult if not impossible to create a true Mutual Purpose. An old football coach I once knew hated ties. He had been quoted more than once saying that a 7-7 tie with your neighboring town’s team was like "kissing your sister." It’s a nice gesture, but not a whole lot of fun. The same thing can be said about compromising to try to get to Mutual Purpose. A compromise or a concession makes most people feel a little disappointed and not overly positive, which hampers the Mutual Purpose process. So what can you do when you are at cross-purposes? And if you live on planet Earth, you will often be at cross-purposes. Create Mutual Purpose using the following four skills: Commit to seek Mutual Purpose Recognize the purpose behind the strategy Invent a Mutual Purpose Brainstorm new strategies With these skills, you don’t give anything up in a compromise. You actually create new ideas that incorporate the important points from everyone’s original thoughts, ideas or decisions. The more I work with these four skills, the more I see how important they are in helping you align your ideas with others to get better results. One last big idea on creating Mutual Purpose: many people think that inventing and brainstorming are the most important of the skills, but I would argue that committing to seek Mutual Purpose and recognizing the purpose behind the strategy are the most crucial. These skills allow you to build safety with the other person and get to inventing and brainstorming in order to truly create a Mutual Purpose and get you the result you both want.

Ronald Shane Flynn commented on Elaine Chen's blog post How a Technology-Push Process Led to the Reboot of Google Glass

Ronald Shane Flynn commented on Mike Barton's blog post The Insights Community Is Taking a Break

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE This classic scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off comes to mind each time I prepare to train a new group. For those of you who have seen the movie, you’ll remember this scene. Ferris is absent from class. His teacher monotonously says his name during roll call in hopes that repetition will work its magic and Ferris will somehow show up. I’ve realized over the years that, like Ferris Bueller’s teacher, our participants are hoping that we show up—and not just physically. It’s one thing to be physically present, but the participants of today expect more. They expect us to be present with them, not just present in the room. Able to read the group’s interest level and respond accordingly. Able to apply the material to their circumstances. Able to inscribe a personalized message on their heart, mind, and soul! Well, or at least a personalized message on the inside cover of their participant guide. I think you know what I mean. So what’s your trick—what do you do in your preparation or during the session that allows you to be present with your participants? I’m interested in two categories of responses here: 1) what advice do you have for trainers who are fairly new to the VitalSmarts suite of programs and 2) what advice do you have for trainers who are so familiar with the suite they run the risk of phoning in their training? Join the conversation by sharing your thoughts below. Related Material:From the Road: Break the Plane From the Road: At the End of the Day From the Road: Do You Know Where Your Participants Are?

Ronald Shane Flynn commented on Jean-Christophe Zufferey's blog post Saving the Planet, One Drone Flight at a Time

Romney and Obama aren’t the only ones taking sides in intense debates this election season. According to our recent poll, 62 percent of Americans have found themselves in heated debates and the victims of verbal attacks when discussing politics—with their friends. According to the survey: Three out of five say they’ve had a political conversation damage a relationship with a friend, family member or coworker, and 14 percent say the relationship never truly recovered. Only 15 percent of respondents believe they can express their full political views to others without getting upset. Rather than risk an emotional verbal battle, 86 percent avoid political discussions and one in 10 report they stay away from political banter at all costs. You don’t have to be a pushover or stay silent in order to keep your friends this election season. Here are four tips for successfully talking politics with friends, family, and coworkers: Look for areas of agreement. Let the other person know you share common goals, even if your preferred tactics for achieving them differ. Avoid personal attacks. While you don’t have to agree with the other person’s view, you can still acknowledge that his or her view is valid, rather than "idiotic" or "evil." Focus on facts and be tentative. Consider the source of your facts, and ask the other person to do the same. Ask two questions: Could the facts be biased? Could they be interpreted differently? Look for signs of disagreement. If the other person grows quiet or starts to become defensive, reinforce your respect and remind him or her of the broader purpose you both share. Related Material:Crucial Applications: How to Talk Sports and Keep Your Friends Crucial Applications: Talking About Holiday Finances Crucial Applications: Keeping Your New Year’s Resolutions

Vicki Butler commented on Mike Barton's blog post The Insights Community Is Taking a Break

Jonathan Marks commented on Mike Barton's blog post The Insights Community Is Taking a Break

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I’m in a weight loss program to lose the first fifty pounds and had a breakthrough of why I sabotage my weight loss efforts. I realized that I am negatively affected by my mother’s years of criticism of me and others who are overweight. I want to rid myself of these negative feelings, but I don’t know how to do that. Can you help me overcome my negative feelings so I don’t keep sabotaging my weight loss efforts? Sabotaged Efforts  Dear Sabotaged, Thanks for your question. Many of us are working to lose weight or conquer other stubborn habits and your question taps in to several of the reasons we struggle. If we can answer your question, I think we’ll all benefit. I’m going to use concepts from our book, Change Anything, to suggest some possible solutions. Be the scientist and the subject. We are all subjects in other people’s science experiments. People poke, prod, and provoke us to see if they can influence our behavior. The challenge is that many of these people are marketers and salespeople who don’t have our best interests at heart. Even when they do want what’s best for us—as your mother probably did—their actions often backfire, hurting us more than they help. The solution is for you to become the scientist as well as the subject. Study your own behavior the way a scientist would. Instead of being discouraged by your setbacks, be curious about them. Notice, it was when you became curious about your self-sabotaging that you discovered the link to your mother’s criticism. This is a good first step. Turn a bad day into good data. What you’ve discovered is a crucial moment—a time, situation, or circumstance when your success is especially at risk. Your particular crucial moment occurs when broken records begin to play in your head, repeating criticisms you remember from years ago. The risk in these crucial moments is that you will respond the same way you did years ago—with defiance. For example, the record in your head says, "Nobody will love you if you look like that . . ." and your automatic response is, "Oh yeah? Watch me eat this dessert and prove you wrong!" Use a personal motivation statement. You need to find a way to replace your automatic, unhealthy response with a positive, healthy one. One tactic to try is a personal motivation statement. The statement should refute the automatic response and reconnect you with the positive reasons for sticking to your change plan. For example, it might say, "This isn’t about my mother or what she wanted. It’s about me, and what I want. What I really want is . . ." You might write this statement on a 3×5 card that you take out and read when broken records are playing in your head. Learn new ways to manage your moods. Many of our bad habits are misguided attempts to manage our moods. For example, we eat when we feel down or we smoke when we feel frustrated. My bet is that the records you play in your head don’t just provoke your defiance; they make you feel lousy inside. If that’s true, then you need a healthy, positive way to boost your mood without busting your diet. Managing our moods is a skill many of us never learned or never learned well. Our mood management attempts often involve spoiling or indulging ourselves. But there are far better ways to improve our state of mind. For example, recent research shows that doing something for someone else is far more effective than indulging ourselves. My mother says, "If you feel you need help, then go help someone," and she’s right. Become the scientist again, and look for better ways to boost your moods. For example, the Pleasant Events Schedule is a list of 320 different activities that people enjoy and is one place to begin your search. You can sort through the list and pick five or ten that might boost your mood. Try them. Test them out until you find a few that reliably work for you. Just make sure they boost your mood without introducing or reinforcing unwanted habits. My closing suggestion is to remain the active scientist. Be the one who takes the reins and designs the experiments that will move your life forward. And remember that many of our bad habits started as solutions to problems that were real and remain real. We can’t just stop these bad habits; we need to replace them with more effective and healthier ones. David Related Material:Crucial Applications: A Six-Step Formula to Help Kids Lose Weight Change Anything: A Weight Loss Mind-set

John Rampton commented on Mike Barton's blog post The Insights Community Is Taking a Break