ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I’ve approached my superiors many times to let them know that I would like to be involved in other projects or roles at work, but I haven’t received any responding offers or opportunities. What’s the best way to let management know that I’m interested in branching out? Looking for More  Dear Looking, Whether at work, at home, or in the community, people often feel they are limited in their opportunities to do more, develop more, or take on more responsibility. They feel boxed-in by policy, provincial thinking, or limited resources. With the backdrop of a down economy and all the downsizing or rightsizing that has occurred, more and more people are feeling limited or boxed-in at work. Some have simply accepted the situation as the new normal and have been prompted, either by others or by themselves, to feel gratitude that they even have a job. I admire you for refusing to accept the situation and for striving to grow professionally. I hope my advice will help you as you work to achieve your goal. Avoid the harbor trap. The first bit of advice is a variation of a quotation attributed to a New England chamber of commerce and often used by John F. Kennedy: "A rising tide lifts all boats." If that is true, the reverse is equally true. "A falling tide lowers all boats." This quotation also applies to corporate culture. Corporate culture can be defined as what people do habitually and voluntarily at work, particularly in the absence of supervision. When the tide is rising, the workforce is generally optimistic and opportunities abound. But when the tide falls, due to a pessimistic and cynical culture, many people are weighed down and become trapped in negative thinking. I congratulate you for maintaining your ambitions despite any cynicism around you. I encourage you to avoid listening to the messages about, "not rocking the boat," or "keeping your head down and your nose clean," or "just being grateful for what you have." While these messages can be subtle or overt, they can also be persistent. Run from them, don’t listen to them, and don’t sink with the tide. Manage your own vital behaviors. Now you may not work in a negative culture. Instead, your problem may be that your boss won’t or doesn’t want to listen to you, or doesn’t see your potential. In any case, my advice is the same. You need to be the captain of your own ship. You need to manage your own vital behaviors—the choices or actions that are most directly connected to the result you desire. In your case, your desire is more opportunities and responsibilities at work. When we were writing Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success, we researched what it takes to manage your own career or get unstuck at work, and we found that there are three vital behaviors that can help you advance your career. These three vital behaviors will help you step up, branch out, and build a reputation that can increase your opportunities: Know your stuff. The top performers we studied made regular efforts to ensure they excelled in the current technical aspects of their jobs. This means you should study, attend classes, and read the most current information about your field. You want people to know that you are in the top 10 percent of innovative leaders who can execute in your chosen field. Focus on the right stuff. In addition to being known as competent, the top performers kept their finger on the pulse of the industry. They were knowledgeable and competent in areas that directly applied to their organization’s strategic imperatives. I’ve known individuals who, by asking the right questions, networking with the appropriate experts, and studying the latest literature, changed their reputation as a mediocre contributor to that of an influential leader in about three months time. You can do this, too. Build a reputation for being helpful. There are many areas where you can be helpful without anyone’s approval. In order to improve your influence, start a Toastmaster class, find someone to mentor, volunteer for various committees, or become the source of clear information in your area of expertise. This list includes just a few suggestions for being helpful in ways that require little to no approval from your manager. When people are known for being problem solvers, rather than for who they know or for their charm, opportunities follow. Be explicit in your requests. It seems like you have already asked your boss—maybe repeatedly—for new opportunities. Congratulations again for refusing to remain silent and sink with the tide. If you haven’t already done so, make sure your request is clear and vary the way you ask. Rather than asking for new opportunities and responsibilities generally, ask for the opportunity to serve on a specific team or committee and note the ways you think you could contribute. Or, ask what you would need to do or learn to be a candidate for the next opportunity or promotion and ask for your manager’s support in that development. If you are clear enough, you will get an answer or you will continue to be stonewalled—which is also an answer. If you are stonewalled, I suggest you steer your own boat and ask for advice or mentoring from others in the organization. I’ve never seen an organization that didn’t have some individuals who had a personal goal to help others succeed. I hope this advice will help you captain your own ship and manage your own career. If you follow this advice, I believe that although you may not achieve a specific position you are seeking, you will step up and branch out. I wish you well in your quest. Al Related posts: Overcoming Career-Limiting Habits Save a Stagnant Career

Renowned behavioral scientist and bestselling author, Brian Wansink, joined us at REACH 2012 to explain a common myth about obesity: buffets make us fat. If buffets really make us fat, then why are there plenty of skinny people at a buffet? Wansink and his team sought to uncover what skinny people do differently than heavy people when facing a plethora of food. By identifying and replicating the behaviors of the successfully thin, we can combat our tendency to overeat. By observing hundreds of buffet-goers, Wansink’s team found that skinny people did the following things: Sat 16 feet farther away from the buffet than heavy people Were 3 times more likely to face away from the food Were 3 times more likely to scout out the buffet before filling up their plate Ate off smaller plates Chewed 14 times on average, whereas heavy people chewed 11 times Interestingly, when asked, most skinny people had no clue that they had behaved accordingly, further proving Wansink’s mantra that "the best diet is the diet you don’t know you’re on." So, how can we put this research into practice? In his twenty-minute BIG Idea speech, Wansink says it’s easier to change your environment than your mind. Instead of assuming you’ll have enough willpower to simply eat less when in an environment where gluttony is the goal, do as the skinny did and get rid of the things that will derail your diet. Adopt these behaviors to cut calories at your next holiday party or buffet: Eat off a small plate Sit far from the food Sample the food choices before filling up your plate The secret to mindless eating is not mindful eating. The solution is to change your environment so it works for you instead of against you. Visit the VitalSmarts Video Channel and select Brian’s Mindless Eating Meets Influencer BIG Idea speech to learn how to cut calories. Related posts: Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Ron McMillan Turns Really Bad Days Into Really Good Data Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Joseph Grenny Asks Two Important Questions REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, How do you suggest we prepare to talk about something that matters immensely to us? We may think we are ready to engage in dialogue, but deep down, we are pretty sure we are "right." For instance, what if I believe that good nutrition and exercise is vitally important to good health, and my spouse—who just had a heart attack—believes those factors are negligible and that family history is the determining factor in whether a person is likely to have a heart attack? Or how about the situation where one brother believes the family business should be conducted in such a way that profits are maximized and the other brother believes that the environment must be the first consideration? How do I ready myself for these types of conversations? How do I open my heart and my mind to differing points of view? Unprepared  Dear Unprepared, Your question gets at the heart of why many conversations fail: at some point in the dialogue, our motives degrade. We start to care more about winning than about finding common ground and common solutions. Of course, this is especially likely when we care passionately about our position. The dialogue turns into debate or argument. And, as Dale Carnegie famously said, "You can’t win an argument." Today’s world contains a lot of polarizing issues, and zealots on both sides talk and listen mostly to themselves. They bolster their own positions and disparage the other side. Then, when the two sides meet, it’s to joust and score points, not to find common ground or common solutions. Why dialogue is valuable: I personally have trouble staying in dialogue when I know I’m right—not just factually right, but morally right. I do believe there are rights and wrongs. So, isn’t it sometimes better to bypass dialogue and defeat the other side? Yes, those occasions exist. While dialogue might not always be the best solution, it is especially important in two circumstances: When you care as much about the relationship as you do your position, such as with the spouse who is denying the importance of nutrition and exercise. When you and the other person or group are interdependent. You may not want a relationship with the other side, but some level of cooperation is required because neither of you can succeed on your own. This may be the case in a family business, in a relationship with a boss, and in a political stalemate. So what can you do in these situations to stay in dialogue and stay out of debate? Determine what you really want. Consider the two bullets above and ask yourself what you really want for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. Look beyond any single issue or conversation and focus on your long-term goals. If your long-term goal is to defeat the other side and discredit their point of view, then be realistic about whether you can succeed without their help. Again, take a long and inclusive view. Look beyond this particular issue and conversation. For example, if you need their help to govern, then you’ll need to engage them in dialogue—no matter how distasteful that may be. If you decide dialogue is necessary or desirable, then use the tips below to keep yourself and the other party in frank, honest, and respectful conversation. Establish ground rules that maintain respect. We’ve all seen debaters who score points by making the other person look bad. They try to undercut the person’s credibility and eventually descend into some kind of name-calling. These tactics destroy safety and poison dialogue. Begin the conversation by making a personal commitment to avoid hot words, loaded language, and personal attacks. Commit to listen and to take the time to understand the other person’s perspective. Ask the other person to make this same commitment and then hold each other to these ground rules. Build on common ground rather than seek out wedge issues. Think of two circles that overlap. The overlap is our common ground; the non-overlapping areas are our differences and disagreements. Too often, we focus on our disagreements and use them as wedge issues to drive the circles further apart. If we want to make progress, we need to focus on the areas where we overlap—where we have common ground and common purpose. For example, partners in the family business might find common ground around customer satisfaction, quality, and productivity. I’m not saying that you should ignore your differences, but try to build on areas of agreement. For example, New Jersey’s Republican governor and Newark’s Democratic mayor cooperate in areas of common interest despite having significant differences on a wide range of issues. Find "and" solutions, while avoiding "either/or" thinking. Look for what’s right in the other person’s position and then add to it. Notice how this is different from the assumption "If I’m right, then you must be wrong." Often, parts of both positions are right and these constitute the common ground you can build on. For example, your spouse believes that family history is a major risk factor for heart attacks. Of course, your spouse is correct. Take this opportunity to agree. This is common ground you can build on. Once you’ve agreed that family history is important, you can move on to other risk factors, which may be within an individual’s control—such as nutrition and exercise. You’d want to focus on these risk factors even if you thought their contribution was minor—because they are within your control. Seek ways to eliminate the other person’s worst fears. Humans are designed to be very risk averse. A side effect of this survival strategy is that we tend to catastrophize. We anticipate the worst that could happen and act as if it’s imminent—even when it’s not. For example, I’m guessing members of the family business are each imagining the worst possible scenario. One brother thinks the other wants to bankrupt the business in favor of the environment, while the other thinks his brother wants to pollute every river and stream. What if each brother made a commitment to avoid the other’s worst fears? Then they could have fruitful dialogue about the middle ground. This approach takes extremism out of the dialogue. I hope these ideas help you prepare for your tough conversations—even if you are "right" or care passionately. Let me know how it works. David Related posts: Finding Middle Ground Finding Fault with the Facts Finding Respect for Your Ex

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE One of my year-end activities is tallying up the total number of training days I delivered (one way to ensure my fingers are ready for any math challenge that comes my way). It gives me a sense of how many individuals were impacted by these sessions as well as of my own learning experiences with the different groups. This year, as I was right in the middle of reflecting and pondering—in a state of really "deep think" about the year’s experience as a whole—I received an e-mail from a work colleague. Attached was a Wall Street Journal article titled, "So Much Training." As that was exactly the topic I’d been contemplating, I opened it straightaway. It wasn’t until I was about three paragraphs in that I realized that, due to the heavy meditative haze I’d been operating under, I’d misread the title. There was a second half that I had overlooked entirely: "So Little to Show for It." And as you might guess, this second phrase was more indicative of the article’s content. The article explores why many organizations aren’t realizing the full potential of their training initiatives and makes the point that, in order to receive the full value, what happens before and after training is more important than what happens during training. While this isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this, because I was in the middle of my review exercise it hit me in a different way. It got me thinking of the degree to which I helped and hindered the groups with which I worked. In training terms, I’m the "during" guy, not the "before" or "after" guy. I arrive to deliver a training session or two, and then I’m off to another organization. But just because I’m not responsible for the "before" and "after" doesn’t mean that I should focus solely on the "during." I can talk with those who are responsible—ask them what needs the training fulfills in their organization, provide them with learning objective worksheets they can distribute to the managers of those who will participate in the actual session, suggest ways to measure achievement of learning objectives across individuals, recommend post-training practice strategies, etc. And as the "during" guy, I think there’s a lot I (or anyone in this position) can do in the session that can help support (not replace) "before" and "after" activities. I have activities to use (have the class take two minutes to brainstorm common tough situations they face), commitments to extend (have participants set a date and time to follow up and practice with a partner from the class), questions to ask ("Where and how do you think you’ll be able to use this skill?"), and tools to offer (introduce the contract cards as an easy-access review or checklist). As you prepare for your 2013 training sessions, consider what you can do to change the title of the Wall Street Journal article to "So Much Training, So Much to Show for It" for your organization. Related posts: From the Road: What Happens in Training, Stays in Training From the Road: Training Ritual 53-Collect Evaluations What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via Mp3 Most Christmas stories don’t start the day after Christmas. This one does. On December 26, 2006, after opening presents with her husband and baby boy and then hurriedly packing her bags, my daughter Becca climbed onto a jet and started the first leg of a journey to Stavropol, Russia. Becca traveled to this former communist stronghold in response to what she described as an aching in her heart. After she and her husband, Bruce, had adopted a newborn baby boy a year earlier, Becca was left with the impression that there was more to be done. There was something missing. There was someone who needed her. After scouring adoption agency websites for several weeks, Becca eventually stumbled on the picture of two Russian sisters, ages six and seven. The two rather fragile looking children were currently residing in an orphanage in one of the bleakest corners of the world you’ll ever find. And now, as if a fire had been lit under her, Becca was on a mission to meet the two helpless waifs. Perhaps they would be new additions to Becca and Bruce’s growing family. She didn’t know. She couldn’t know. She hadn’t even met them yet. Whatever she did, Becca realized that she would have to act quickly because the older of the two would soon turn eight and by policy would be shipped to a different orphanage, forever separated from her beloved sister. Twenty-four hours of rather tortured travel later, a stern official led Becca into a room where she met Tatiana and Veronica, the two prospective adoptees. The girls, shy at first, quickly warmed to Becca, and despite the fact that neither spoke a word of English, were soon auditioning for the role of daughter. First, they demonstrated dance moves they had practiced for just such an event. Next, they climbed a rickety ladder that leaned against a wall (left from an earlier repair job) and held on by one hand while leaning out precariously and singing Russian folk songs. The girls had lived in the orphanage for two years, and Becca was the first visitor to call on them—no family members, no prospective parents, not a soul had thought to pay them a visit. Knowing that this might be their only chance to escape a fate that they were too young to even imagine, the two flirted, winked, and did everything in their power to beguile their prospective mother. And just when Becca thought her heart would break from watching the two girls fight for a chance to join her family, Veronica looked into her eyes and promised (through a translator), "If you adopt us, we’ll wash the dishes every day." As Becca cried herself across the globe, back to her home in the mountains of Utah, she carefully put together a plan that ended four months later when she and Bruce returned from Stavropol with two little Russian dolls. A year later, after passing through the standard waiting period, the new family gathered before a judge who asked the girls a few questions and signed a few papers. And then, as if writing the script to her own life story, Veronica turned to her younger sister and pronounced, "Now we’re a family." It had been a hard journey for the two little girls and still more challenges lay ahead. Abandoned by their father at birth and then one day unceremoniously dropped by their mother at their grandparents’ door, Veronica, the older of the two, taught herself how to beg for food. In the winter, she braced against sub-zero weather as she knocked on doors, kneeled before strangers, and begged for her and her sister’s lives. By the time the neighbors turned the two girls in to the authorities, each was more skeleton than girl. The first time I met the two was at our home a few hours after they arrived in America. Nica (Veronica’s shortened name) rushed to the kitchen counter, grabbed a cookie, and then took another one for her younger sister. "One for Tanya," she explained through our neighbor who spoke Russian and was helping as a translator. "One for Tanya," Nica learned to express in English as she gathered in a new toy or sweet for her younger sibling—always her younger sister’s defender and keeper. Always the protector. But the gift that started the day after Christmas didn’t end with the signing of the adoption papers. Witnessing the monumental sacrifice, feeling the love, and welcoming two grandchildren into the family—you’d think the Christmas gift would now be complete. But it wasn’t. There would be a second act. This part of the gift, the surprise part, comes from Nica. You can’t survive the streets of Stavropol and then be thrown into an orphanage—where you reign supreme as the oldest member of a near-feral mob—without consequence. For years after arriving in the U.S., you’ll act in ways that are out of sync with kids whose greatest childhood tragedy took place when they lost a puppy or tore their princess costume. Fresh from a life of deprivation and confinement, you’re very likely to be seen as strange, selfish, pushy, or forced. Fighting for your younger sister, who no longer requires or wants a protector, comes off as strange. Pushing your way to the head of the cafeteria line in a primal response to procure food—whenever and however you can—appears selfish. Taking charge of every childhood game seems pushy. Trying too hard to make a friend feels forced. And then there’s the fact that you’re a Russian immigrant who speaks English with a bit of an accent. As you move into junior high school where being different can be a liability, trying too hard to be accepted practically guarantees you’ll be bullied. Eventually, you’ll learn dozens of swear words—all used as an adjective placed in front of the word "Russian." And when faced with these challenges, you’ll fight back because, first and foremost, you’re a survivor. One day, when someone who doesn’t know your history observes you verbally attack, take charge, or hoard, it’s easy to see how they might become annoyed. Anyone might become upset as the kid from the streets (now dressed in clothes that belie her upbringing) does something odd or off-putting. And from all of this comes the surprise gift. Nica has sat beside me on our living room couch and given me glimpses into her heart-breaking story. I’ve imagined her as she faced unspeakable circumstances and have mourned for her, her sister, and everyone who has similarly suffered. I’ve watched Nica step in harm’s way for her sister. I’ve seen her stand strong in the face of adversity. I’ve also seen her do things that can drive you nuts and would be the first to say that she needs to be carefully instructed. No doubt about it. Just like her American-born cousins, she’s still young and she needs lots of guidance and, given her history, special assistance. But unlike a stranger who might immediately become upset when Nica commits a social faux pas or inappropriate action, I can’t see her do anything—no matter how untoward—without also seeing a little girl in the streets of Stavropol begging for her and her sister’s next meal. With this poignant image firmly in mind comes the surprising gift, the gift of compassion. Not compassion for me (which I’ve often received), but compassion within me—something I sorely need. Of course, over the years, I’ve felt sympathy for others. I understand the need to view the whole picture before drawing conclusions. I’ve even used the bromide of looking at both sides of a coin. But this story isn’t about two sides, it’s about simultaneity. Having felt and mourned Nica’s past, I now see both her missteps and her history in a single glance. This sweeping view fills me with an understanding that makes up the very spirit of this holiday season. It fills me with compassion—a surprising and wonderful gift. Visit our Facebook page to download our free holiday e-book, Kerrying On Christmas: A Collection of Holiday Stories by Kerry Patterson. The e-book includes this story as well as two other Holiday stories from Kerry Patterson. Related posts: Kerrying On: A Christmas Gift Kerrying On: The Great Valentine’s Day Debacle Kerrying On: Stumbling on Christmas

This letter was received in response to a question Joseph Grenny answered in the December 14, 2011 Crucial Skills Newsletter titled, "The Gift of Forgiveness." Dear Joseph, A year ago, you addressed a concern by "Facilitating Forgiveness" about the communication difficulties a family was facing after a grandmother’s extended illness. The family described was my family, and that year, we canceled our family Christmas party. Your advice included patience and changing stories. In the ensuing months, there was a gradual shift as my son, his cousins, my brother, and myself attempted to patiently do our part to mend the difficult situation. We had a breakthrough in the summer when my nieces and nephews talked their aunt, the oldest in the story, into resuming her tradition of a 4th of July party (it was also canceled last year). That action led to the softening of some hearts and some progress in communication. When my youngest sister was diagnosed with colon cancer this fall, the rest of the resistance became, in Star Trek terms, futile. My mother’s gradual recovery, and the combination of service and prayers by the rest of the family on behalf of my sister, have done the seemingly impossible. We are having a Christmas party! A year ago, you pointed out that hate cannot drive out hate and darkness cannot drive out darkness—only love and light can do that. Your gift from me this Christmas is knowing that your advice commending patience, love, and an appeal to what members of the family really wanted was the right path to forgiveness and restoration of family unity. Thank you! Editor’s Note: If you would like to share similar feedback about how the authors’ advice has helped you, please e-mail us at editor@vitalsmarts.com. Related posts: The Gift of Forgiveness Kerrying On: A Christmas Gift What Happened: Don’t Pass the Buck

The following article was first published on December 18, 2012. Dear Ron, I am currently a medical director of emergency services at a small community hospital, and I have an ongoing problem physician who provides outstanding medical care but can’t keep his mouth shut. He offends nursing staff with his obnoxious, condescending, and judgmental comments, and his patient satisfaction scores are horrific, as you might imagine. I have talked to him about this issue several times, as has the emergency department director at another hospital. I would rather help him improve than fire him and make him someone else’s problem. How can I confront this problem physician about his rude and disrespectful behavior? Sympathetic Director Dear Sympathetic, I admire your concern for this "problem physician." Too often we, as leaders, treat individuals as cogs in the machine—interchangeable parts to be hired and used. Sometimes we use them up, discard them, and hire some more. This is the danger of literally believing the label that people are only "human resources." Your concern for the individual is an important starting point for solving this problem. Another common mistake leaders make is to put our concern about individuals above all other people in the organization. We often hold on to problematic individuals or underperformers at the expense of fellow teammates. In your organization, these teammates might include the nursing staff, patients, and other doctors. When we allow someone to stay in their position and it results in others being abused, team values being sacrificed, and work being inefficient, it’s not compassion, it’s negligence. The difficult challenge of leadership requires balancing our concern for all the stakeholders and working through their often conflicting needs. At a minimum, direct reports deserve their leader’s honest evaluation of their work. They deserve targeted, behaviorally specific feedback, and improvement suggestions. Anything less shortchanges the individual and undercuts team and organizational effectiveness. As leaders, we should also provide the resources and means to make the needed improvements. Many leaders assume the problem with poor performers is they lack motivation; therefore, the obvious way to fix the problem is to motivate their employees. However, motivation is only one of three possible causes of poor performance. It is also possible that the employee wants to perform but is unable to do so because of a lack of skills, knowledge, or resources. A third possible cause is a combination of motivation and ability—they are unable to do what’s required and don’t want to do it even if they could. To try and skill up the unmotivated is a waste of time and resources. To motivate the unable only creates depression, not progress. You describe the physician’s behavior as "offensive, obnoxious, condescending, and judgmental." You mention that you and others have talked to him several times with no discernible improvement. Has he expressed a willingness to change, then failed to improve? It might be an ability problem. Has he shrugged off your feedback and shown no interest in trying to change? If this is the case, he probably lacks motivation. Going forward, here’s my recommendation. Have a crucial conversation with the physician. Don’t try to solve the most recent occurrence; rather, use it as an example of the pattern of behavior you want changed. Be specific. Be factual. Compare what you expected with what occurred. Note that you and others have had several talks with him about this subject, with no discernible improvement. Explain that it’s time to take action, then give him two choices. If he is willing to make a heartfelt effort to stop his hurtful behaviors, offer to give him your complete support. This assistance could include training, coaching, counseling, pairing him with a partner, frequent accountability, or feedback sessions to gauge progress and provide support. If he is willing to try, set behaviorally specific objectives such as, "You will not call anyone in the hospital a ‘fat head.'" Identify how you will measure his progress—such as peer interviews, surveys, key observer reports—and set specific dates and deadlines to review progress as well as make modifications and changes. Set a final date by which he must demonstrate specific changes or explain that termination will result. Make sure all expectations are absolutely clear about deadlines, the behavior to be changed, and how it will be measured. You don’t require perfection, but you do require sustained, significant improvement. If he agrees, follow the plan. If he does not agree to the development plan you propose and cannot propose an acceptable alternative, initiate the removal process. Allow no more delays or chances. Responsible leaders care about their people—the one and the many. They don’t callously fire individuals, nor do they allow a single employee to disrespect, abuse, or negatively impact others. They don’t demand change without helping people have the means to change and reasonable time to do it. Responsible leaders give actionable feedback and recognize progress. And they follow through. I wish you all the best in the difficult and worthwhile effort of leading and serving others. Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My company has grown to ten times the size it was when I started seventeen years ago, yet our systems and processes have not kept up with our rapid growth. Things need to change! One of my strengths is ideation and after seventeen years on the job, I have a lot of ideas. I am also an activator, so I write proposals, share thoughts, and provide tangible financial justifications, yet my voice goes unheard. If given the opportunity to share, I use my crucial conversations skills to create an open, comfortable environment to discuss ideas, but I typically only get reasons we can’t do it or I’m told this is the way we’ve always done it—which doesn’t make it right! How can I get decision makers to take my ideas and input into consideration? Thank you, Ignored  Dear Ignored, Your company is lucky to have you. The VitalSmarts team now numbers over 100. As founders of the company, we have no illusions about what got us here. We were just as clueless twenty years ago as we are today, and didn’t have a company nearly as influential. The difference today is our team. We have brilliant people who have dedicated their careers to contributing ideas that make us better, stronger, and faster. You’re asking a pretty tough question to answer with so little visibility into your reality. Why aren’t people taking your ideas seriously? Honestly, I can’t know, but what I can do is guess. So in hopes of being helpful, I’ll give you a variety of possibilities to consider. Then I’ll give you a process you can use to figure out which may have merit. First, the options—in no particular order: Nothing personal—it’s about the ideas. Good ideas. Lack of resources. Your ideas are great but the organization doesn’t have incremental resources to test or implement new ideas. Bad ideas. Your ideas are generally impractical or off-strategy. They’re being ignored because they should be ignored. Nice ideas. The ideas are good but not great. No organization has capacity to do all of the "nice to dos." It’s personal—work on you first, the ideas second. Low personal credibility. You have a track record of making implausible ideas, or have had personal failures that have decreased confidence in your abilities in general. Lack of technical/strategic skill. You don’t have a profound understanding of the strategic needs and direction of the organization, so your ideas are off target. Communication skills. Your ideas have merit, but the way you communicate them (orally or written) undermines the merit of the ideas. Hobbyhorses. You’re proposing ideas that are interesting to you, but not relevant to others. Half baked. You haven’t put enough thought into developing the idea for others to take it seriously. There’s a big difference between saying, "Let’s make a new MP3 player!" and developing a prototype of an iPod. You may need to put more work into fleshing out your concept before others will see its merit. Most organizations don’t need more ideas, they need more leaders—people who will champion an idea through successful implementation. If you’re hoping to simply "ideate"—or toss out gems and have others do the work, you are likely to remain disappointed. It’s political—you lack understanding of how to get a decision made in your organization—who the power players are and how to gain their support. It’s process—there are channels through which you need to move in your organization to advance ideas. Your strategy has been to "ideate" only, but you haven’t done the dog work of filling out forms, attending meetings, gaining approvals, etc. It could also be that you have such a stifling bureaucracy that no ideas will survive birth. If that’s the case, you may need to raise that issue rather than continuing to toss pebbles at the brick wall. There are dozens of other possibilities, but I hope these stimulate possibilities for reflection. So, how can you know not just what might be going on, but what is going on? I have two suggestions to help you learn how to exert great influence in your specific case: Find positive deviants. Identify cases in your organization that contradict your experience. Look for examples where someone proposed a similarly bold idea as yours—but in this case, it was picked up, developed, and implemented. In as ego-less a way as possible, compare your case to this one. What was different about this idea, this person, the political process, or the bureaucratic process that made it work? Using any insights you gain, decide how you will tweak your approach in the future. Find honest friends. In addition to self-reflection, you can ask others to give you honest feedback. This is tough to get. Most people will take the easy way out and say, "Your ideas are great, people are just too busy," when in fact part of the story is that your ideas haven’t been that great or you lack personal credibility. If you want them to be honest, you need to make it entirely clear that it is safe for them to be so. One way to do this would be to: Define the problem. Give them examples of the last few ideas you’ve pitched that fell on deaf ears. Give a contrasting example of a "positive deviant." Make it safe. Tell them you have no ego in this and that your sole intention is to gain influence. You desperately need their help. The more sensitive their feedback is, the more actionable it will be for you! Prime the pump. Give them examples of the kinds of things you think might be going on (for example, use the list I gave you above). Ask them to ponder over the three to five reasons on that list as to why your ideas are ignored. Give them time. Don’t demand an immediate response. Ask them to give it some thought then get together with them to debrief. I know this last exercise sounds like a bit of work, but given your passion about making a difference, I think it will be worth it. If you want to feel fully engaged in your work and experience the joy, I can tell you are capable of finding in it, you need to solve this puzzle. It’s clear that the capacity to innovate is an important value for you, so don’t give up. Get feedback. Examine all the possibilities. Be patient as you develop greater skill at influencing your thriving and growing organization. Influence isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort! Warmly, Joseph

Stacy Nelson asked the audience at REACH 2012 how successful they were at creating personal balance in their life. Using the analogy of truing a bicycle wheel, Stacy offered advice for aligning our physical, mental, spiritual, and social/emotional parts of our life. He says that, in order to achieve the balance we all desire, we need to do the following things: Stop, look, and listen. We are generally blind and outnumbered to the influences in our life that pull us in competing directions and bring us out of balance. Debunk the myth of compartmentalization. Just like truing the spokes on a bicycle wheel, every part of our life is impacted by every other part of our life. Find space, silence, and darkness. In these quiet moments and places we are able to escape from the pressures of life and truly listen to our inner voice. Change with gratitude. Gratitude is a lubricant for life that reduces the friction of change. When we live with an attitude of gratitude we stop whining about the changes we need to make. In his twenty-minute BIG Idea session, Stacy says that if you truly want to live a balanced life, you have to stop, you have to look, and you have to listen. And then go out and live your life with gratitude. Related posts: Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Ron McMillan Turns Really Bad Days Into Really Good Data Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Joseph Grenny Asks Two Important Questions Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Brian Wansink Shares Tips to Cut Calories

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, After reading Change Anything, I set a goal to lose twenty pounds and created a change plan. I followed the plan and lost eight pounds in three weeks, then I hit a plateau and was unable to lose more. Did I choose the wrong plan? How do I know if my change plan is good, or if I need to change it? Stalled  Dear Stalled, Good job! Eight pounds in three weeks is excellent! Hitting a plateau after losing weight is not evidence of failure, it’s good data. Be the subject and the scientist. I suggest you use this data to update your plan. Thousands of scientists, nutritionists, and physicians have studied weight loss, wellness, and health. No one, however, has studied your weight loss. Others have developed general plans based on some general ideas and principles. But you need a specific plan, specific to you. You need to be the scientist who studies you (the subject) to discover the best plan for your own health and wellness. Let’s assume the plan you begin with is a good plan based on tried and true concepts. I suspect this is correct because you used this plan to lose eight pounds. Keep in mind a change plan is dynamic not static. You should now expand, experiment, analyze, and adjust your plan. For example, let’s suppose your vital behaviors were to: Weigh daily Take a brisk twenty-minute walk three times a week Stop eating snacks before bedtime These behaviors have likely made you aware of your weight and the impact your plan is having on weight loss. This is good; observation and awareness are key tools of a scientist to gain understanding. Your weight loss probably resulted from not eating snacks before bedtime and being more active. You made progress and then plateaued. This is good data. Analyze it. What can you learn? Maybe you should continue this behavior and expand your plan. Perhaps you could review what you are eating. Are there some opportunities to cut calories in a helpful, healthy way? What if you cut calorie-rich snacks between meals and replace them with healthy alternatives to keep you from getting hungry and stay energized? If this makes sense, conduct an experiment. What happens when you add this vital behavior to your plan? Note: You can drop the "no snacking before bedtime" as a vital behavior in order to keep your focus on just three vital behaviors. You continue to enact this behavior, but because you’ve mastered it, it’s no longer on your "vital" list. With this new vital behavior in place, track your progress with daily weigh-ins. Analyze the data. Is the new vital behavior working? Adjust your plan accordingly. As you master a vital behavior, experiment with new behaviors. Consider changing your meals and increasing activity and exercise. Also, analyze and adjust your six sources. For example, add a friend and exercise together (turn accomplices into friends), and reward yourself upon completion of your goal by allowing yourself to buy a new outfit in your new size (invert the economy). Congratulations on creating a successful change plan. A leveling-off of your results is not failing to achieve your goal, it’s good data indicating that it’s time to expand, experiment, analyze, and adjust. Doing this keeps your plan vibrant and not only assures you reach your goals, but makes it likely you will surpass them. All the best,Ron Related posts: Change Anything: Motivating Weight Loss Change Anything: A Weight Loss Mind-set Change Anything: An Important Weight Loss Tool