To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below. Dear Crucial Skills, What can we do as a company to optimize our cross-cultural performance? As a multi-national corporation, our employees live in different countries and time zones, have different cultural backgrounds, and speak different languages. The situation is further complicated because we usually don’t have the luxury of face-to-face contact. Can you share tips and examples for using Crucial Conversations to handle cultural differences? Cultural Balancing Act Related Material:Crucial Applications: Bridging the Cultural Communication Gap Crucial Conversations about Climate Change Crucial Applications: Overcoming the "Nasty versus Nice" Debate

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I have attended Crucial Conversations Training and try to practice the skills, but it’s difficult when the person I am trying to communicate with doesn’t "play along." For example, when I try to ask how he or she is feeling or why he or she feels a certain way, I receive a response such as, "I don’t know," or, "I don’t want to talk about this." This ends the conversation and I feel stifled and defeated. What do I do? Playing Along  Dear Playing Along, It is very frustrating when you want to talk something out with someone and the only response you get is, "I don’t know," or "I don’t want to talk about this," or worse, an icy-cold stare laced with a fake smile. I hear you. I’ve been there. So what should you do when the other person won’t play along? I think you have an advantage—you’re motivated and able because you’ve gone through the training and practiced your skills. Good job. Whether it’s at work or at home, you feel the need to hold a crucial conversation and the other person won’t talk to you. He or she won’t engage and won’t "play along." What I hope to provide here are tips that might give you some additional options for reaching dialogue with a stubborn companion. 1. Start with heart. I suggest you Start with Heart and ask yourself, "What nonverbal messages am I sending?" Sometimes we have behaviors—subtle or overt—that demonstrate our purpose or intent more loudly than our words. A common pattern is to start a conversation very pleasantly and nicely but then quickly let our emotions escalate as we press for the solution we want. Or sometimes before we even open our mouths, we enter a conversation with our eyes and gestures signaling, "I have held court in my head and found you guilty; let’s talk." When that happens, other people don’t want to play. These kinds of patterns cause people to disengage from the conversation. Here’s a personal example. Years ago, my third daughter found every excuse to avoid talking with me. She was fourteen years old and all I got was a cold shoulder. Finally, I asked her why she was acting that way around me, and in a tender moment, she opened up. She shared with me that no matter what I asked her—whether it was about school, friends, or something else entirely—I always, always got around to discussing just two topics, her grades and her messy room. Sometimes, we are so good at debating that the other person prefers to disengage or stonewall rather than argue. Make sure you get your emotions in control before you open your mouth. Make sure you build Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect before you begin and work to maintain both throughout the conversation. The other person needs to know you have a mutual purpose rather than a selfish or opposing one. 2. Choose CPR. We often find that people choose the wrong topic to discuss. When having a crucial conversation, we tend to choose simple over complex; recent over distant; and easy over hard. In reality, we need to discuss the right issue instead of the most convenient one. We use the acronym CPR to help you determine what the right issue really is. C stands for content and deals with the immediate incident or concern. P stands for pattern and references the fact that the immediate incident has actually occurred more than once and probably frequently enough to make you upset. R stands for relationship and is a conversation you hold when you realize that the pattern is so pervasive and unwanted that it is now affecting your thoughts, feelings, and interactions with that person. You need to hold a conversation not about the content, but about the pattern you’re experiencing—the way in which you two talk, or don’t talk. You need to explain the pattern you’ve noticed and how it’s affecting your relationship. I can see the conversation going like this: "Bob, every once in a while, I feel the need to talk about an issue here at work. The last two times I have tried to talk to you, you said, ‘I don’t know,’ and ‘I don’t want to talk about that.’ I know having conversations about issues like budget or deadlines can be tough. I don’t want to make it tough. I want to be able to talk about these issues so we can work together in the most effective way. Why do you think it’s difficult for us to have these talks? What’s going on?" If the person still refuses to talk, I’d ask, "Will you please think about it? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I do want to deal with some of these issues so we can work well together. Can we schedule a time tomorrow to meet and talk about our working relationship?" 3. Explore natural consequences. In Crucial Confrontations, we teach the difference between imposed and natural consequences. So far, I’ve only introduced the natural consequences of being unable to communicate. Helping people understand what will happen naturally if you don’t deal with the issues is an educational step that motivates them to comply. For example, you could explain how the lack of talking about issues is affecting colleagues, deadlines, budgets, and customers. If your colleague still won’t comply, then you’d impose a consequence. In this case, you’d probably ask someone else to help or communicate the situation to your boss and ask her to convene a meeting. 4. Use your skills; keep your cool. When you have situations like the one you’ve described, it’s easy to slip into less than helpful behaviors. Make sure you avoid gossiping about the other person, getting angry and flying off the handle, or withholding information or avoiding the other person. What you do when it matters most will determine the results you achieve, the relationships you build, and how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror. Inviting people to dialogue, being persistent and patient, and maintaining your professionalism will eventually pay big dividends. While I believe you can make progress and there is great potential in your relationship, I will close by saying that not all conversations work. You can’t always get into them and you can’t always get the things you want out of them. However, crucial conversations skills improve your chances of getting results and building and preserving valuable relationships. Best wishes,Al

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I’m tired of attending meetings where there’s no agenda, the wrong people are in attendance, and people carry on side conversations and otherwise violate good meeting etiquette. How can we use our Crucial Conversations skills to get our meetings back on track? Miffed by Meetings  Dear Miffed, One of the first training sessions we designed was aimed at just this problem. We gathered people and taught them about the importance of developing and following an agenda, the need to avoid being critical when brainstorming, and other such standard meeting fare. We thought we were done. Then trainees went back into their meetings, saw things go wrong, and said things such as, "Hey bozo, we’re trying to brainstorm here and you’re being critical. That’s not allowed!" Or, "Wait a second, you don’t have an agenda. What were you thinking?" "What have we created?" we wondered as we watched people "fix" problems they observed in their meetings by verbally attacking anyone who strayed from strict meeting protocol. The cure they were administering to the flailing meetings was often worse than the original ailment. From this, we learned that you can’t merely teach what should happen in meetings, you also have to teach what to do should the meeting turn south. This all took place before we had learned the ins and outs of crucial conversations, so we got no help from that research. But it wasn’t before we had learned the technique of watching effective people in action and learning to see what can actually work with real people in real organizations. So, we watched all kinds of people in all kinds of meetings. Most individuals sat quietly as the meeting staggered from topic to topic like a mad dog on its last walk. An angry few, after they could take it no longer, made harsh comments to the "loud mouth who carried on a side conversation." Others directed ugly stares at the offending party—followed by the ever-popular eye-roll. These were some of our first glimpses into silence and violence. But then there were a few people who spoke up in a way that wasn’t offensive. They said and did things that helped get the meeting on track without looking like they wanted to take over or blast people who didn’t stick to the right agenda. And best of all, they followed a pattern that worked for most meeting problems—from dozing off to arriving late to straying from the agenda. You didn’t have to apply ten different techniques to ten different problems. The most notable part of every effective response was that they all reflected the same philosophy and feeling. They noticed something that wasn’t working very well (at least for them), realized it was probably best to talk about it rather than simply let it continue, and decided to check with the group to see if it made sense to change what was currently happening. In summary, the pattern looks like this: (1) here’s what I see; (2) here’s what I think we might want to do instead; (3) what do others think? This three-part response was always delivered tentatively (after all, not all deviations are mistakes), respectfully (there’s no reason to assume others are purposely causing problems), and inclusively (asking others for input turns the solution into a shared plan rather than your plan). At the scripting level, here’s what the three steps sound like. A group moves through an agenda and nears the end of their meeting, but one of the people present keeps referring to a previously put-to-bed agenda item. The person is mostly ignored until eventually someone hints that the group is now talking about another issue so please get on board. Finally, someone deals with the deviation by stating, "Tim, I notice that you keep returning to the budget discussion we had earlier. We’ve moved on, thinking it was a closed issue and now I’m wondering if you want to return to it and re-open the discussion. Is that what you want, and if so, what do others think about the idea?" It turns out that the person did want to return—feeling that the topic wasn’t fully discussed—and, given time constraints, the team agrees to schedule the item for further discussion in the next meeting. Now, most people are uncomfortable intervening in any way for fear that they might be the only one who is concerned. Plus they want to avoid the appearance of hijacking the meeting. Notice how the three steps indicated above solve both problems. You check with the group to see if the problem is not merely yours and you also involve others in the potential solution. For instance, someone has violated the primary tenet of brainstorming by criticizing suggestions that cost money, and someone else in the meeting remarks, "Kim, it looks like you’re concerned about solutions that cost money. Do we want to put cost in as a constraint right now so we don’t spend time recommending financial solutions, or should we continue coming up with any solution that might work? What do others think?" Another example: a meeting rolls along with lots of ideas flowing and nobody takes notes. It’s not your meeting but you’re worried about forgetting ideas, so you say, "A lot of ideas are being recommended here and I’m worried we might lose some of the ideas unless we record them. What do others think?" One more example: a couple of people are talking on their cell phones and someone says, "It looks like others have some urgent issues they need to deal with. Should we take a break to handle the calls that are coming in?" Notice that the person bringing up the issue isn’t criticizing others for taking calls. It could well be that they are handling an emergency and do need to break. If they aren’t, they’re likely to get right back to the meeting. Either way, you’re simply describing what you’re observing, passing no judgment, offering no criticism, and then checking with the group. Again, the process of stating what you see, what you think the group might want to do instead, and asking what others think can be applied to almost any problem, in almost any meeting, and from anywhere in the room. Try it in your next derailed meeting and let me know how it goes. Kerry Related Material:Wasting Time in Meetings Outbursts During Church Meetings How do you balance discussion with staying on track?

Recently, as my six-year-old daughter asked me for yet another Barbie, I said, "You don’t always get what you want, you need to earn it." She then said, "That’s not fair, you always get what you want. How do I get what I want?" The Crucial Conversations book happened to be sitting on my desk, so I handed it to her, and laughing I said, "Read this, it gets you what you want." Now she refuses to put down the book. It goes in the car with us everywhere—to school, you name it. When someone asks why she is reading the book, she says, "Dad said from now on I’m going to get what I want." As many conversations are with my six-year-old, the full conversation was actually quite a crucial conversation about how to earn what you need and communicate that need. For the record, she "earned" the Barbie a few days later from her grandmother through some effective communication.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Candace Bertotti is a Master Trainer. READ MORE As an Influencer trainer, I struggle to help participants with their change plans when they base them on soft skills such as being too direct in communication with their family members or coming across as intimidating to team members. I especially have a hard time coming up with strategies for sources 2, 5, and 6. I’d appreciate some help! Thanks for the great question! Coming up with strategies for all the sources—particularly for change plans based on soft skills—can take some creativity. Let’s look at each of the sources you listed: Source 2: Personal Ability Engage in Deliberate Practice. Since soft skills are still skills, encourage participants to engage in a considerable amount of deliberate practice—using realistic and challenging situations to build confidence that they can handle even the toughest situations. Even with family or team situations, you can practice scripts for when you are triggered; bounce language off a trusted friend or coach; and test alternative words, body language, and actions to see if you get a different response and result. Participants could also practice mastering their stories—reminding themselves that people do things for more than one reason—and transform their negative emotions (that might lead them to be too direct or intimidating) into curiosity and dialogue. Learn New Skills with Training. Participants may want to consider attending Crucial Conversations or Crucial Confrontations training, where they can learn and apply new skills for speaking up respectfully to get better results. Increase Personal Capacity. Don’t forget that it’s hard to use most any skill when we aren’t first taking care of ourselves. For example, when you get hungry or don’t have enough sleep you’re likely to be less able to stay cool in tough situations and more likely to snap or come across as intimidating. A new strategy could be "before my in-laws come over, get a good night’s sleep and eat breakfast." Source 5: Structural Motivation Create a Motivating Plan or Game. Challenge participants to develop communication improvement goals—perhaps a seven-day or thirty-day plan. Then they can make this plan into a game or an experiment. Use Incentives and Loss Aversion. Have the participants name what incentives motivate them and what punishments they want to avoid, and then have them incorporate those into their change plans. Loss aversion works well here—if they don’t meet their goals, they have to donate money to a rival university or sports team. Source 6: Structural Ability Use Cues. Have participants consider ways to remind themselves of the behavior they want to enact—a reminder on a post-it note on the bathroom mirror, a summary of the skill they want to employ on a screen saver, a daily reminder on their phone, etc. Survey the Environment. Encourage participants to take inventory of their environment and determine where they are having trouble. Does the problem come up when they are talking on the phone while driving, in e-mail, or over text? Does it happen when they are multi-tasking, or after they feel icky and crabby from eating unhealthy food just because it was around? Is it after walking into their home greeted by dirty dishes and laundry they didn’t expect, or walking into an office with an overflowing inbox and a new crisis they could have avoided if they’d seen e-mail #214? Encourage participants to find ways to change their environment to set them up for success. Perhaps they need to limit phone communication and have more face-to-face dialogue. Is their office an inviting space for dialogue—do they have an extra chair for someone to sit and talk? Are healthy snacks (instead of caffeine and sugar) nearby that may help them approach communication challenges with a clear head? Many, many possibilities in this area! Gather Data and Use Tools. Encourage participants to gather data to increase self-awareness. Participants could create a survey and send it to friends, family, and colleagues. Some examples of simple survey questions are, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how respectful am I when I communicate?" and "On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do I listen to other points of view?" Participants could then use this data to help inform their progress and adapt their change plans. Encourage participants to think of other tools they might need to set themselves up for success—the Crucial Confrontations audio book to listen to while driving, a smartphone that allows for video calls if a face-to-face meeting isn’t possible, etc. Related Material:How can I help participants pinpoint the difference between source 3 and source 4 in the "Master My Stories" lesson of Crucial Confrontations? How can I help participants who are creating their own change plan in Influencer Training create an actual results statement? How do I respond to participants’ concerns about participating in training?

One word comes to mind to adequately describe the VitalSmarts REACH 2012 trainer conference: AMAZING! For two days in August, trainers from around the world gathered at the base of the majestic Rocky Mountains in Salt Lake City for a truly remarkable experience. The new BIG Idea sessions—twenty-minute keynote speeches on a wide variety of topics—were a huge hit! With keynote speakers such as renowned psychologist Albert Bandura, VitalSmarts authors and international licensees, acclaimed author and Influencer Brian Wansink, and Facebook’s Learning and Development Manager Mike Rognlien—the BIG Idea sessions educated and entertained participants, providing them with innovative ideas to implement in their organizations and training offerings. There were plenty of surprises along the way too—including a guest appearance from VitalSmarts video actress Jackie Houston and a ballroom dance BIG Idea session on deliberate practice where participants were invited on stage to strut their stuff! Brian Wansink conducted a top-secret food experiment with the REACH participants and demonstrated the power the environment has on our eating habits. And the Trainer Appreciation dinner reached new heights with world-class entertainment from the Piano Guys! The breakout sessions throughout the two days were outstanding, offering trainers hands-on opportunities to learn new best practices and connect with trainers from across the globe. The client sessions were inspirational and educational, offering trainers new insights into how to successfully roll out VitalSmarts training offerings and change their organizations for good. What did the trainers think of REACH 2012? They overwhelmingly expressed that REACH 2012 was one of the best professional development conferences they had ever attended! But don’t just take our word for it—take a look at some of the REACH 2012 BIG Idea sessions on our VitalSmarts YouTube page and save the date for REACH 2013 to experience it all for yourself, live and in person! We hope to see you there! Related Material:From the Road: Insight from REACH 2010 From the Road: What Happens in Training, Stays in Training From the Road: Do You Know Where Your Participants Are?

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin - This is not just speculation by a writer, this is experimentation by a person with keen insights. I like writers who share vital behaviors and Gretchen does a great job. Teach Like a Champion by Doug Lemov - Wonderful, powerful, and very specific behaviors for improving teaching—at all levels and all kinds of situations. Written by someone who stood at the back of the room and noticed the difference between the good teachers and the great teachers. The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha - American poet William Carlos Williams once commented that, "Poetry is the stuff for the lack of which people die miserably every day." The Book of Awesome helps us smell the roses and find the poetry in every day. Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card - Sci-fi and an interesting look at leadership and organization, of team work and commitment. Card is a great writer and has great insights into people. Related Material:Off the Author’s Bookshelf: What Ron’s Reading Off the Author’s Bookshelf: What Joseph’s Reading

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My team is doing more work through conference calls. However, we struggle to keep everybody involved when the call consists of several people in one room and three or four people on individual call-in lines. Those of us who are "remote" feel we interrupt if we "jump in" to the conversation since we don’t get to raise our hand or see the non-verbal cues that would let us take advantage of a natural break in the conversation. This causes us to feel excluded and we don’t always get to have a say in the conversation. Can you share some strategies for getting everybody involved in a conference call? Conferenced Out  Dear Conferenced Out, To answer your question, I want to begin by sharing a sad but true story. I was a participant in a critical, but boring conference call involving twenty-two people. Someone was discussing something I wasn’t very interested in when a call came in on another line. I cleverly put the conference call on hold and answered the other line, talked for a few short minutes, and returned to the conference call. I immediately noticed the person speaking was talking so loud he was practically shouting for a few moments then he began speaking in a normal tone. A few minutes later, another call came in so I put the conference call on hold, took the new call, conversed for a few minutes, finished, and then returned to the conference call. This time there was total silence on the line. The call host then said, "Now it’s stopped. This is so strange. Why would music suddenly start playing in the middle of our conference call then stop and suddenly start again and then stop again? I’m sorry. I’ve never experienced this before." After the conference call, with a bit of experimentation, I realized that when I put people on hold, our office phone system immediately starts playing elevator music for whoever is on hold, which in this case was all of the conference call participants. My bad. There are many lessons you could learn from my story about my relative intelligence, but the lesson I would like to point out is that it’s very difficult to hold everyone’s attention on conference calls. Come on, admit it. How many of you have read and answered e-mails during a conference call? Without the face-to-face interaction, it’s more difficult to hold others’ attention and to be personally accountable to the person speaking. I absolutely believe John Naisbitt, author of Megatrends, was right when he wrote, "As human beings become capable of anonymous electronic communication they [will] concurrently need more close-up personal interaction." Let me start by saying that I strongly recommend you never have a crucial conversation using e-mail or instant messaging. Too much of the meaning is ambiguous or lost. When someone writes a sentence in all caps, does that mean he’s shouting? Excited? Mad? What does it mean when the font is all red? Use e-mail to share information, but when emotions run strong, you have opposing opinions, and stakes are high, it’s time for a face-to-face conversation. In difficult circumstances when distance or time will not allow it, then, with the greatest of reluctance, you may have to resort to the phone but know that you will be missing half of the critical data—the visual information. You will not see facial expressions, gestures, or body language. True, you will be able to hear the other person’s voice and intonation, but you have to ask a lot of clarifying questions to make sure you understand. For example: "After my last point, there was a long silence. Are you thinking about what I said or do you disagree?" When we "manage by phone" or "team by speaker," we run the risk of sacrificing effectiveness for efficiency. When using "high tech" to communicate, the "high touch" becomes much more important. This means meeting face-to-face when possible, and when it’s not possible, spending a lot of time listening, checking for understanding, and having individual conversations. When leading a meeting over the phone, use an agenda and structure questions and requests for input into the agenda. Throughout your meeting, frequently ask the following questions: "Does anyone have any questions?" "Can anyone build on that idea?" "Who has an opinion on this?" "Does anyone see this differently?" Also, remember to ask individuals specifically for their comments: "Leroy, what do you think of this proposal?" "Sabrina, I haven’t heard your view on this issue. Would you mind sharing?" Sometimes a roll call is in order on important issues: "I want to get each of your ideas on this. Let’s start with Benjamin . . ." Remember to use your AMPP skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) and intentionally Explore Others’ Paths. If you are not the leader of the call, these ideas still apply. Even if you aren’t the leader, you can still say, "Rachael, how do you see this problem?" and invite others to participate. When you are a participant in a conference call and not the leader, you need to STATE your path—share your facts, tell your story, ask for other’s paths, talk tentatively, and encourage testing. You also need to initiate more than you otherwise would to get your meaning in the pool. Consider using these phrases: "I’d like to add something . . ." "Before we go on to the next topic, I would like to comment on the recommendation . . ." "I have an opinion I would like to share . . ." "Sorry to interrupt, but I want the views in our region to be considered . . ." I have personally seen the introduction of these skills change the culture of a team within three conference calls. Whether advocated by the leader or just modeled by a caring team member, we owe it to ourselves and others to get all the relevant meaning into the Pool of Shared Meaning. If we do, we not only get to enjoy the efficiencies of technology by saving time and the costs of travel, but we can also reap the benefits of being an effective team. Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via Mp3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes When I was seven years old I learned how to ride a bike. I learned on my brother’s old, stripped-down, J.C. Higgins. It was a pathetic little thing possessing no fenders, no handle bar grips, no hand brakes, no . . . just about everything. Then, of course, I wanted to ride the bike every chance I could get, but since it was my older brother’s pride and joy, well, you can guess how that worked out. Yearning for a vehicle of my own, I tried to save money to purchase my own bike, but at age seven I only earned 50 cents a week allowance and I usually spent 40 cents of it on a trip to the movies. Every week, I was torn between watching Roy Rogers, Hopalong Cassidy, and the other heroes of my youth—and saving for a bike. Mom saw my dilemma, and after watching me eyeball my brother’s bike for the thousandth time came up with a plan. My grandmother had recently married a rather wealthy lawyer who was so desirous to show his love for her that he gave her a 200-pound ironing machine (the kind usually used at hotels). Grandma appreciated the gift, but had other ideas. She figured she could use her newfound wealth to send her laundry not through a giant ironing machine but to a professional establishment. So, Grandma hired a moving company to haul the thing to our house. "With your bad back and all," Grandma explained to my mother, "I’m betting this newfangled contraption will be just the ticket." In truth, the machine was absolutely terrific—if you happened to work for Barnum & Bailey and needed to touch up a tent. Unfortunately, the huge appliance was hard to operate, "ate" shirts and blouses, and only made Mom’s back feel worse. Eventually, the monster was moved to our basement where it sat next to my brother’s bike—the one I so sorely coveted. "I bet," Mom explained one night over dinner, "we could take that silly ironing machine that is just gathering dust in the basement and auction it off." "We could certainly use the money," Dad replied. "Yes, and I know just what to do with it. Billy has grown too big for his bike so I figure we can sell the ironing machine at auction and then turn around and buy Billy a bigger, better bike." This wasn’t going well for me. "And then Kerry can have Billy’s old bike." Things were looking up. Now, you might be thinking: Why did my mom’s plan end with me owning the hand-me-down bike while my brother Billy, who already had a bicycle, would get the new (to him) bike? Those of you who are a younger sibling know the answer. As a kid brother it was my job to recycle cast-offs. My clothing store, for example, was my older brother’s chest of drawers. And when it came to sporting goods, well, I was thrilled with the idea of getting my brother’s bike. It was a bike. I didn’t have a bike. Was there any other way to get one? Two weeks later, when the local auctioneer placed the ironing machine up for bid, Dad turned to me and explained that, judging from the crowd of hayseeds that had gathered, it was doubtful that anyone would want the curious offering we had placed on the block. "We’ll need to get about fifteen dollars if we expect to turn around and buy one of the bikes that are going up for auction," Dad explained. "I don’t think anyone around here even knows what that machine is." Now I was worried. Would I ever get a bike of my own? Dad was right. At first, the curious apparatus just sat there while people poked at it with their index fingers. Perhaps a carburetor had fallen off a passing space ship. Eventually, the auctioneer read the instructions from the metal plaque soldered to the body. "Why, it’s a fancy ironing machine," he announced with an air of achievement. Soon the bidding was off and running until a woman with a large feathered hat bid fifteen dollars. "Sold!" When we returned home later that day, my brother Billy jumped for joy at the sight of the second-hand Schwinn bike Dad had purchased while I rushed to the basement to claim my windfall. I was ecstatic. At last, a bike of my own! Unfortunately, I couldn’t ride my bike just then because it was now raining and the dirt road in front of our house had turned into a river of mud. Since the bike didn’t have fenders, if I ventured out onto 25th street, it would paint an ugly brown stripe up my back, neck, and head. Finally, after a week of unrelenting drizzle, the sun dried the road enough to be useable. I hopped on Billy’s old bike (I still thought of it that way) and rode around frenetically while shouting and yipping for joy. It was a dream come true. For about five minutes. Then I came to the realization that I didn’t really have any place to go (I was seven. Where would I go?) Nor did I have any smooth surfaces to take me there—just a bunch of rutted hills that led to more rutted hills. Plus, the bike only had one gear. It was really hard to pump. In fact, it was so hard that one day as I tried to get up speed to shoot across the slimy, hand-hued wood bridge that crossed the creek near our house, I skittered off the bridge and into a muddy stream—turning myself into a ball of mud and slime and ruining my brand-new white corduroy pants. So I parked the stupid bike where the ironing machine once sat until I eventually outgrew the thing and my mother gave it to Goodwill. This wasn’t the last time I yearned for something I was convinced would bring me happiness, only to discover I was dead wrong. (If you’ve ever saved up for a Slinky, you’ll know what I’m talking about.) You’d think that after a string of disappointing purchases we’d all have learned that owning things doesn’t exactly guarantee happiness. Unfortunately, the vivid advertisements that pump out of our TV sets at the rate of about 100,000 a year continue to preach otherwise. Copywriters tell us that buying things will bring us all sorts of spectacular benefits. For instance, when I was a teenager, the hair product Brylcreem was said to make you so attractive that women would chase after you, wrestle you to the ground, and run their fingers through your hair—something that I thought sounded mighty promising at the time—but that never actually panned out for me. But then again, it’s not as if having more money (and the things that go with it) never helps. For instance, a recent study revealed that happiness does actually go up with income—to a point. And then it levels off. Not having enough to pay the rent or get your teeth fixed wears on you, so happiness rises with an infusion of cash. But when you reach a certain level of owning stuff, your happiness quotient stays the same. More stuff doesn’t boost your score. That is, researchers found, unless you do a couple of different things with the extra money. You can use it to create memorable family experiences or to help others. When you do one or both of these, more money can indeed yield more happiness. At some level, we all understand this concept. But then again, at a deeper, more visceral level, we think: Yeah, I know more money won’t make me happier, but with more money I’d be in Paris being the same degree of happy, and maybe even driving a sports car. It only stands to reason that driving a sports car in Paris creates a higher order of happiness than driving a Honda in Omaha. Meaning, of course, that try as we might, we can’t find a way to believe that owning more toys doesn’t guarantee more happiness. Last week, I witnessed for myself the serving-others aspect of the recent research finding. My twelve-year-old granddaughter Rachel was dusting shelves for her mother while a friend stood by in tennis gear waiting to go play doubles at a nearby court. Rachel’s three-year-old sister Lizzy was toddling behind her, and after Rachel dusted each shelf, Lizzy would plead: "Help me!" Rachel would then lift Lizzy who, in turn, would drag her miniature duster over the same surface. To me, it was precious. Nevertheless, you’d figure that since Lizzy wasn’t actually helping move the job along, Rachel would ditch her baby sister in favor of finishing sooner and playing tennis. But she didn’t hurry. You could tell by the broad smile on her face that she took genuine pleasure from indulging her little sister. "Rachel enjoys helping others more than doing just about anything," her mother explained. "She learned that at an early age." What a blessing to have learned at such a young age that serving others (be it with your extra resources or your time) can be a great source of happiness. This idea, of course, can’t be sold through infomercials nor sponsored by celebrities, so it won’t spread across the country like the latest design in running shoes. In fact, unless the world experiences some sort of cataclysmic upheaval, one of the most important principles ever known to humankind will continue to be overshadowed by a deluge of messages that suggest we can’t really be happy unless we own things. But then again there’s no knowing for sure. An ironing machine might be just what you need. A new bike could really help you out. The hair product might even make your hair shine. But then again, maybe all of these things will let you down. Most assuredly, none of them can be counted on to bring you anything as important as happiness. You want happiness? Use your time and resources to genuinely and freely serve others: visit a shut in, read to a sick friend, compliment a coworker on a job well done, write a thoughtful note, or take homemade cookies to your grandparents (one of Rachel’s favorites). In short, find a way to bring others happiness. It’s the fast track to joy. Related Material:Kerrying On: The Password Kerrying On: Tombstone Talk Getting Out-of-Control Meetings Back on Track

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below. Dear Crucial Skills, I live in an apartment complex built around a grassy area and parking garage. Ten boys between five and ten years old (including my son) live in the complex and love to play together on the grass. Sometimes they get a bit too noisy, which upsets many of the neighbors. Those annoyed neighbors wrote an angry e-mail to management telling them to "do something about the boys." Ironically, those annoyed neighbors never speak to the boys’ parents about their concerns and even come out to tell the boys off when the parents are inside and run away when the parents come back out. I want to build a community spirit and get people talking, but I don’t know where to start. How can I get my neighbors talking so we can resolve this issue without involving management? Seeking Neighborly Dialogue Related Material:Community Q&A: Encouraging Others to Cut Back Community Q&A: Overcoming Cultural Differences with Crucial Conversations Community Q&A: Making His Ex-Wife Feel Safe