ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes It didn’t take long for a heated argument to break out. Dozens of us had just arrived in Yorktown, Virginia to undergo officer training for the Coast Guard—each of us armed with his own story of the ghastly treatment that was rumored to lay ahead. According to scuttlebutt, we were soon to be marched until we dropped, cursed at, threatened, and mentally taxed to the point where many of us would wash out. And now for the bad part. If we did wash out, we would be denied the chance to become an officer, forced to sign a four-year enlistment contract, paid one-third of what we’d expected, and sent to Vietnam to die. Or so went the stories. But then again, you couldn’t deny the pleasant experience we had just enjoyed. After we climbed out of cabs that transported us from the airport, we were politely ushered to the mess hall, where the officers on duty greeted us warmly and with dignity. One lieutenant invited a group of us to his dining table where he regaled us with inspiring Coast Guard stories. Why, the silly rumors were wrong. This was going to be fun! Training was going to be like scout camp, only with gunboats and howitzers. Or was it? We were actually given several clues as to what lie ahead. The beds we retired to that evening didn’t have a chocolate on the pillow. That couldn’t be good. A note on the table said we would be awakened at zero six hundred the next morning at which point we were to gather at the "grinder." True, the term "grinder" sounded suspicious, but perhaps it referred to a coffee house where we’d toss back espressos while singing "Yo-ho, yo-ho, a Coast Guard life for me!" One could only hope. The next morning, after awakening to a version of Reveille that could have easily drawn blood, we donned our civilian clothes for the last time and wandered out to the blacktop patch behind the barracks—the actual grinder—where we continued debating what was in store for us. And then we heard it. A curious noise in the distance that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. At first I thought it was a pack of wolves. Emanating from the darkness came a feral roar accompanied by the sound of feet beating on the blacktop. And then we saw them—those charming fellows who had greeted us the evening before—the kindly officers from dinner. Only this time, their faces were twisted into grotesque masks of hatred and instead of greeting us with a warm handshake, they charged at us at full speed while screaming orders that none of us could understand and all of us desperately wanted to obey. It wasn’t long until we were all doing pushups, running with rifles held above our heads, lying on our backs doing an impression of a dying cockroach, and otherwise being pushed to the edge of sanity. Finally, at our first break (standing in line to receive inoculations), Jim Propopolis, the officer candidate from New York City who stood behind me, uttered four memorable words. The evening before Jim had sided with the optimists in the debate by insisting that the training we were about to undergo was going to be pleasant, not dreadful. Now, appearing as defeated as is humanly possible, and with a Brooklyn accent you could cut with a knife, Jim exclaimed: "Da Jamboree is ova!" Indeed it was. And so was the debate. The scuttlebutt had been right. We were about to descend into the seventh circle of training hell. Now, I’ve told this story before—usually ending with a warning of how things are about to grow more difficult—you know, the jamboree or good-old days are behind us whereas the future is going to be more challenging. However, today I’d like to approach the incident from a different angle. I eventually graduated from Dante’s training school, served three years in the Coast Guard, exited into the civilian world, and never looked back. That is, until one day over forty years later, when the Commandant of the Coast Guard asked me to speak to the top 1,000 leaders at a conference. At the end of my speech, I was presented with a yearbook from the class of 1971—my OCS class. I opened it and there staring back at me was a photo of my platoon. The rather haunting picture had been taken during the heat of that dreadful first day. We looked horrible. As my eyes worked their way across the photo they eventually settled on the fellow in the bottom right-hand corner—Jim Propopolis. He looked worse than everyone else. He looked defeated. Four decades of consulting experience coupled with the entire cannon of organizational theory rushed through my head in a single flash of insight. With Jim’s image fresh in my mind, I wanted to go back to 1971 and attend OCS again; only this time, I wanted to get it right. The first time through officer training, my colleagues and I botched it. With the threat of being sent to the front hanging over us, we turned into a group of selfish louts. When someone struggled with, say, celestial navigation, nobody formed a study group or offered tutoring. When someone had trouble squaring away their quarters, nobody taught them best practices. When a candidate washed out and was spirited off in the middle of the night, no one spoke of the fallen comrade. We studied alone, suffered alone, and occasionally washed out alone. And when I say "we," I mean "I." I watched Jim Propopolis struggle and did nothing to help him. He was the only guy in our platoon who was willing to appear vulnerable and as you can probably tell from his "jamboree" remark, he had a much-needed sense of humor. He was also a bit of a train wreck. No matter how hard Jim tried to look spiffy, he always looked like a sack full of doorknobs that had been dragged through a swamp. I worried about Jim. I even encouraged him, but I never actually helped him. It just wasn’t done. And when Jim eventually was whisked off in the middle of the night, nobody ever spoke of him again. The same was true for my other four platoon mates who disappeared to points unknown. Nobody said a word. And so Mr. Propopolis, I apologize. You were right about the jamboree being over. We were about to face hard times and that should have been a call for us to pull together, not fall apart. I know I needed your help and I suspect you needed mine. But I didn’t know I could help. I didn’t know I should help. I was young and frightened. Imagine that. We were supposed to be learning how to be leaders who would eventually lead teams, and we couldn’t have acted more selfishly. Worse still, this gross misconduct wasn’t merely a military anomaly. A few years later, when I took MBA classes, students were purposely pitted against one another. Collaboration was actually punished. As a result, classroom combatants verbally accosted one another while secretly hoping for each other’s demise. A few years later, when I was hired to consult with executives who had come through one of those MBA programs, what did I find? Silos. Leaders frequently worked against one another, spoke of others as "them," and failed to support each other under times of stress. They were a mess. Fortunately, over the ensuing decades most of us have come to realize that interdependent specialists need to collaborate—meaning we need to act like healthy teammates not combatants. And some of us do. For instance, that MBA program that used to encourage unhealthy competition has actually changed. A recent graduate informed me that students now share their notes, create study groups, tutor one another, and feel and act as if their teammates’ problems are their own problems. This should be true of all workgroups. Everyone deserves to work with colleagues who have their back. And if that’s not your current reality, it should at least become your aspiration. Organizations should be havens, not gladiator arenas. We should learn together, grow together, and help one another. Challenges should unite us not yank us apart. And most of all, when the chips are down, we should be able to count on each other for help. Related posts: Kerrying On: The Power of a Story Kerrying On: The Buck Stops Here Tough Promotion Decisions

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I am struggling with the culture in my current organization. The goals set by management are ambiguous and seemingly meaningless. Performance feedback and "constructive criticism" are at first rare, then harsh and punitive. Morale is horrible. I dread going to work every morning! Everyone does. What can my colleagues and I do to make a positive impact on the culture of our organization? Desperate for Change  Dear Desperate, If misery loves company, then take solace in knowing that there are a lot of people out there who suffer similar circumstances. Job satisfaction, pride, meaning, happiness (maybe even joy), are not terms that many people associate with their jobs. Depending on the survey you read, as many as two-thirds of employees polled across the country don’t like their work. I once interviewed a group of front-line supervisors who so hated their jobs that they looked into the mirror each morning and talked themselves into going to work that day. Not good. When it comes to how most of us feel about our jobs, we fall somewhere between "thrilled to go to work" and "bring me a mirror." The fact that you’ve spotted a problem with morale in your current job and that you’re anxious to do something to improve it is good news for the people around you. It is an important issue, it can be addressed, and it’s definitely worth the effort. So, let’s start with a couple of key ideas. First, it doesn’t take much to turn a career into a job and a job into a daily grind. Lots of elements have to be in place to create both a job and workplace that generates daily satisfaction. One element goes wrong, and a job, even an entire workplace, can go sour. Second, there are lots of positive emotions that could and should be associated with work. Most people shoot for being satisfied, and that’s nice, but many people actually take genuine pleasure from their work. For others there’s pride; for still others, meaningfulness. Many find deep and abiding relationships. Some describe their work place as happy and, as we’ll learn later from our friend Rich Sheridan, some even aspire to making the workplace joyful. Imagine that—"joy" and "work" being used in the same sentence. It’s important that we acknowledge the fact that a workplace can be a cornucopia of positive emotions. It gives us something to aspire to. Stress shouldn’t be the norm. Anger, depression, boredom, disgust, fear, and other negative emotions shouldn’t be shrugged off with, "Hey, it’s work. Nobody said it was supposed to be fun." Work is too time consuming and life absorbing not to provide us with lots of positive emotions. Anything less would be a tragedy. So, let’s look at some likely places to start exploring and intervening, if you want to create a productive and satisfying workplace. Candor. When we first started studying people at work, we quickly discovered that every workplace came with a potential malaise. Often, people don’t feel comfortable expressing their best ideas. They quickly learn that if they openly disagree with the current thesis (particularly if their opinion runs against the majority or a person in authority), they fall under attack. Sometimes it’s only an ugly stare, but it’s an attack nevertheless. So employees learn to shut up to keep the peace and then suffer the consequences of working in a place where poor ideas are routinely accepted. If people can’t voice their opinions, speak up to solve problems, and bring their best ideas into play, they’re not going to like their jobs. Accountability. If you want to be happy at work, don’t take a job at a place where accountability is spotty. You’ve seen it. Coworkers don’t stick to their promises and let you down, and then nothing happens. This can be very frustrating. You end up doing the work of two because others aren’t doing their fair share and are getting away with it. In a similar vein, allowing people to bully coworkers, disregard safety, deliver poor quality, and otherwise underperform can lead to enormous stress. And if the bosses finally get upset at the current level of performance and then go off on a tirade, you have a whole new set of problems. If your accountability system and the face-to-face skills that go with it are subpar, don’t expect job satisfaction. Influence. Today’s marketplace is so turbulent that organizations are constantly being forced to reinvent themselves. This means that if leaders aren’t adept at both motivating and enabling changes in routine behavior, they’re going to create two competing camps—one fighting for the new, the other clinging to the old. If you can’t create a vision of the kind of organization you want to become, along with a path to get there, expect conflict, disappointment, and angst. Now, I realize that I’ve just addressed three areas we write about. There’s a reason for this. We believe they form the very foundation of organizational success along with the attendant positive emotions. Nevertheless, there are other factors to consider as well—each with it’s own gurus and theories to back them up. Let me quickly share four. Flow. After years of analyzing what leads to a deep sense of satisfaction with completing one’s daily assignments, Mihály Csikszentmihályi explains that if a job isn’t intrinsically rewarding, under one’s own control, and completed within an environment free of constant interruptions—it won’t be satisfying. Look for each of these three components in every job. Happiness. When Daniel Gilbert released his book Stumbling on Happiness, he forced us to rethink our views on what will bring us satisfaction. What we imagine will bring us satisfaction is often wrong. Gilbert recommends that we look to what actually brings others satisfaction, not what one imagines will do so. At the corporate level, take care to study what the best companies have aspired to and carefully consider those goals. Meaning. In a recent article published by Stanford’s Graduate School of Business, Dr. Jennifer Aaker suggests that happiness isn’t the only emotion to consider when evaluating one’s life (or, for that matter, running a company). Many people may not be happy in the moment, but they’re having a meaningful experience and that’s a good thing. The opposite can also be true. You can get something you want—which will make you happy—but satisfying your current wants is not likely to feel meaningful. In a similar vein, solving problems or working through tough relationships may not make one happy, but it can be very meaningful. As you generate your aspirations, consider a range of positive outcomes. Satisfaction and happiness are worthy aspirations, but don’t forget to include meaning on your wish list. Joy. In his recent release of Joy, Inc., Rich Sheridan dares to take on the challenge of making the workplace not merely satisfying, but joyful. After years of working in settings that should have been satisfying, fulfilling, and even exhilarating but were actually stressful and depressing, Rich set out on a mission to find what it takes to create joy at work. It turns out, it requires a host of elements—many tied to the physical environment as well as how work is actually completed. If you want to see how one determined leader turned a stressful workplace into one that is both joyful and triumphant, check out Joy, Inc. So there you have it. It is a good idea to try to improve morale with all of its attendant emotions. Start with where people currently feel the most pain. Look under the hood and closely evaluate candor, accountability, and influence. Talk to your coworkers about the issue. Decide what you want to achieve and then measure those aspirations frequently and carefully. Dare you ask if people can’t wait to come to work each day? Would you ever poll employees by asking if they think about their job during their commute, or brag to their friends about the cool place they work? Set your goals high. Aspire to create a workplace where people routinely experience deep satisfaction, happiness, pride, meaning—and yes, even joy. Kerry Related posts: Creating a Culture of Accountability Kerrying On: Finding Joy at Work Bullying at Work

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Andrew Maxfield is director of the Influencer Institute, a private operating foundation that seeks to increase humanity’s capacity to change for good. It began innocently enough. My wife and I bought a fixer-upper—a cool, though neglected, ’60s suburban gem—and drew up plans with an architect for a "little remodeling project" that we would do, ourselves, to "save money." You can probably guess where this is going. And if you’ve been there, you also won’t know whether to laugh or cry. Several months later, I was staring at our back yard—from my vantage point on the front sidewalk, through the giant crater in the middle of our house. This was a view no one was ever supposed to see and that was now haunting me day and night. By that point, we had nearly leveled the house, ripping off the roof and even pouring new concrete footings and foundation walls. My headache-du-jour was the entryway that we were supposed to build in place of the crater. This entryway would be a prominent design feature on the never-ending construction project that was now infamous throughout the neighborhood. More importantly, it would be the barrier to prevent passersby from walking their dogs in my dining room. True story. But there was a problem: I had no idea what to do or even where to start. I felt hopeless. It wasn’t just the frustration of the moment; it was the accumulation of weeks and weeks of stress. Not only could I not make heads or tails of the architectural schematics, I didn’t have the carpentry know-how to cut, treat, and install the planks of tongue-and-groove cedar that were stacked in my driveway, mocking me. Fortunately, my father arrived on the scene before I could find a stick or two of dynamite. An experienced builder and cheerful worker, he helped me break the task of building the entryway into bite-sized pieces. First we overlaid measurements on the underlying structure to make sure our work was plumb and square; then he showed me how to make mitered joints and cuts using a variety of saws; then we started applying timber oil to the cedar. Of course, I was overthinking each step and agonizing over my mistakes. But the act of doing, the deliberate repetition of small steps, gradually built my confidence and competence. Before long, the entryway took shape—and our local dog-walkers had to choose new routes. So my father won on two accounts. First, he showed up, and it’s hard to overstate how much I appreciated that help. Second, he sensed that I was anxious about my lack of ability rather than simply unmotivated, and he provided help in the form of unhurried coaching and teaching. Rather than delivering a pep talk, he helped me learn how to do what needed to be done, which in turn freed me from my feelings of frustration and despair. How does this homebuilding homily relate to your work and mine? Consider it a warning about a kind of thinking that can sabotage our work: when we see someone who isn’t doing the right thing at the right time, it’s convenient—but often dead wrong—to make assumptions about that person’s lack of motivation. For instance, in Influencer Institute’s work to accelerate the successes of microenterprise organizations, we’ve learned that it’s folly to assume that poor people are simply lazy. Instead, we’ve learned that they very often lack skills related to personal management, which they can develop through coaching and practice. Your conclusions about yourself and others can be no better than your assumptions, so train yourself to look for hidden skill gaps that underlie what appear to be maligned motives. Reflecting on my ongoing renovation saga, what’s most interesting to me is that when it came time to build the rear entryway to my house (very similar to the front), I jumped right in and built it without hesitation, indigestion, or help. Moral of the story? Never trust the architect. Related posts: Influencer Institute: Introducing the Influencer Institute—And a Call to Action! Influencer Institute: Beating Poverty One Vital Behavior at a Time Influencer Institute: Finding Meaning in the Mundane

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, What do I say to a boss who consistently steals credit for my work on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis? If a question comes from a client and she doesn’t know the answer (which is often the case), she asks me to help her out. She then turns around and delivers my advice to the client as her own. She strenuously objects if I suggest that we call the client together—even more so if I contact the client—all in the name of "teamwork" of course. She also secures all of my suggestions for improvement of company processes and procedures and presents them to upper management as her own. I know all about "documenting" but I don’t feel like I should have to do that. A good boss would freely give credit where credit is due, as I myself have consistently done throughout my career. By the way, the "clients" are all internal. I have been with the company for over ten years and she has been with the company for less than a year. Feeling Violated  Dear Violated, I’m sorry, but I’m totally identifying with your boss on this one. While it’s my name on this column, our editors, Amanda and Brittney, contribute to it in many important ways. In fact, as I think about it, I wonder whether you work here at VitalSmarts. Are you a member of my research team, maybe Chase or Annie? I’m sure they share some of your feelings. Seriously though, your situation sounds very frustrating. I agree that credit should be shared. So, what can you do? I’ll ask you to forgive me in advance, because my suggestions may not sound like "fixes." I don’t think you should pick a fight with your manager. In my experience, you’d lose in the long-term—even if you seemed to win in the moment. Instead, my recommendations will focus on actions that are safe and within your control. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I will ask you to change—perhaps even more than your manager. Master Your Stories. The story you’ve shared is about your boss "stealing credit." You’ve provided several facts that support the story, and they seem convincing. However, I want you to begin by challenging your story. Here is why: You’ve described your manager as a villain, and yourself as a victim. Our villain and victim stories are often one-sided and biased in our favor. I want you to interrogate your story and look for the rest of it—find any missing facts that may fill in your manager’s perspective and make her more sympathetic. Here are the questions to ask yourself: "Why might a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what my manager is doing?" "What role have I played in encouraging my manager’s behavior?" "Is there any other, more charitable story that could fit this broader set of facts?" Mutual Respect. It’s clear that you don’t have a lot of respect for your manager right now. Why would you when you feel she’s violated your trust? However, you won’t be able to develop a positive relationship with her unless you can change the way you interpret your manager’s behavior toward you. Making this change depends on how you read her intent. Ask yourself: when she steals credit for your work, is it because she wants to undermine or destroy your career? Or is it because she is worried about her own position? Could it be it’s because she’s a new and unseasoned manager? If her motivation is based on self-protection or inexperience, rather than malevolence, then there is hope. We can all relate to behaving badly when we’re threatened or ignorant. We’ve been there and done that, and it doesn’t mean we are hopelessly bad people. Try to find a way to relate, empathize, or even sympathize with your manager’s motivations. At the same time, don’t be naÏve. If you conclude that your manager is out to get you, then take special care. Don’t leave yourself open to an attack. Mutual Purpose. You want your manager to treat you as an ally, as a member of her team. But she is acting as if you were a competitor, or as if she can’t trust you. You need to convince her that you’re not a threat to her career, her plans, or her broader purposes. In fact, you need to demonstrate that you’re in her corner, that you’ve got her back. Begin by asking yourself why she might view you as a competitor. For example, were you in competition for her job? Have you done or said things that could undermine her credibility with others? Does your disrespect for her show on your face? If these are issues, then work to change them. However, don’t try to change your words and actions without first changing your heart. Mouthing the words won’t work if disrespect is showing on your face. That’s why I began my suggestions with Master My Story and Mutual Respect. Next, determine what your career goals are—goals that don’t make you a competitor—and ask your manager for her help. Your manager wants you to be a team player, and that’s fine. But it’s also fine to have career goals, as long as they don’t conflict with hers or with being a team player. In fact, asking your manager for help gives her a positive, rather than a negative, way to demonstrate her power. I hope these ideas are helpful. Understand that I don’t know the facts of your specific situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Please don’t burn any bridges or take actions that could be career limiting based on my suggestions. Good Luck, David Related posts: Approaching a Hard-to-Please Boss Abusive Boss What Happened? A Boss On a Spending Spree

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I enjoy my work very much and am fortunate enough to work on a great team. However, my one big concern is that our team leader has been ineffective for years. I end up filling in the gaps he leaves unaddressed. While I have brought this to the attention of the next in-line supervisor, my annual performance rating is tied to the team’s performance. How can I distinguish myself as being effective when the team leader’s ineffective management causes the team to look less than successful? Thanks, Drag-of-a-Boss  Dear Drag, In the olden days when bosses walked the same floors as employees, visibility wasn’t an issue. If you put out better widgets than the guy or gal next to you, management would know it. If you punched in sooner or punched out later, you got credit for it. These days, much of the workforce works miles or even continents away from their leader. So, I’ve got to guess many of our readers share your concern. How can you ensure that the shadow of a weak leader or mediocre team doesn’t obscure your contributions or inhibit your prospects? Here are my thoughts on that question. 1. It will. You’re going to have to deal with it. The truth is, a weak team does tint the performance of a strong player. If this is compromising your personal goals, you must take responsibility to either influence change or make a change. If, however, you have other interests that offset this cost, you may choose to stay. For example, you may enjoy the work itself, your colleagues, or connections with customers. The key here is to own your choice. Weigh the tradeoffs then make a decision. Don’t, however, become a victim by choosing to stay then blaming your boss. 2. Influence up. Also, examine your own role in the problem. Have you been entirely candid with your boss? Have you found a way to be both 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful with him? If not, you’ve got work you can still do to influence upward. Many years ago, I had an employee named Lyle who asked to meet with me privately. He was pretty introverted so it was a surprise to get this request from him. When the door closed, he quickly came to the point. In short order he very caringly, respectfully, and factually laid out evidence that I was arrogant and rude. When he finished sharing his feedback, I felt incredibly disarmed. When I thought about what he had said, I felt I should be offended. And yet I wasn’t. Instead, I felt convicted. It was clear I had been difficult for him to work with. I apologized and worked hard to address my flaws in coming months. I’ll be forever grateful for Lyle. There’s often more we can do to influence upward if we hold ourselves accountable to do so. 3. Focus on being not seeming. I caution you also not to obsess over getting credit for all your good work. If you focus on managing appearances you will begin to value credit over contribution. I am a firm believer that the key to happiness in life is to focus on being not seeming. Contribute. Serve. Improve. Assist. Praise. Become the kind of person you want to be and trust that the most important rewards—the privilege of serving even more—will come. 4. Develop a reputation for being helpful. Finally, there is something you can do that naturally leads to recognition and advancement. Become the kind of person who goes the extra mile for others. Share information. Make others heroes. Sacrifice for goals outside of your own self-interest. My partner, David Maxfield, is the epitome of this concept. David is an incredibly busy man with many demands for his time and talents. And yet, if you ask him for information he will go above and beyond the request. If you ask him to be a listening ear he will drop what he’s doing and come to your aid. I venture to say that everyone who knows David would describe him this same way. And this reputation has served him well. He is highly regarded and his influence has grown enormously—in part because of this wonderful attribute. Should you choose to stay in your present team, you can widen your circle of influence by widening your circle of service. I hope these ideas help you sort through the complex life decision you’re making. Warmly, Joseph Want to hear more from author Joseph Grenny about leadership and influence? Check out his speech to the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit entitled Mastering the Skill of Influence. Related posts: Influencing Support for Workplace Safety Will the Leader Interfere? Crucial Conversations With a Disrespectful Leader

A new study from VitalSmarts and the ASTD Workforce Development Community shows that more than 1 in 3 people waste five or more hours each week (12 percent of their work week), due to chronic, unaddressed conflict between colleagues from different generations. The online survey of 1,350 subjects shows the two generations who have the most difficult time working together are Baby Boomers (49 - 67 years old) and Millennials (13 - 33 years old). When they do work together, the problems these two generations experience most often include: • Dismissal of past experience • Lack of discipline and focus • Lack of respect • Resistance to change or unwillingness to innovate But conflict is not isolated to just Baby Boomers and Millennials. In fact, the results indicate a surprising level of incompetence among all generations to quickly and effectively solve problems through accountability discussions and dialogue. Across all generations, 1 in 4 people admit to avoiding conflict with colleagues of a different age; or if they did speak up, they spoke in generalities and danced around the real issues. Other trends in communication breakdowns across generations include: • Younger generations hesitate to hold older generations accountable. • Millennials are the least confident in their ability to handle a difficult conversation. • Older generations—Baby Boomers and Veterans (68 years old or older)—admit to losing their temper more easily with more than 1 in 4 saying they became frustrated, upset, or angry during a difficult conversation. By learning a few skills to speak up to anyone—regardless of age or authority—people can candidly and respectfully resolve conflict and improve productivity in today’s multigenerational workplace. Here are four skills for getting started. 1. Make it safe. Begin by clarifying your respect as well as your intent to achieve a mutual goal. 2. Start with the facts. Describe your concerns facts first. Don’t lead with your judgments about their age or conclusions as to why they behaved the way they did. Start by describing in non-judgmental and objective terms the actual behaviors that create problems. 3. Don’t pile on. If your colleague becomes defensive, pause for a moment and check in. Reassure him or her of your positive intentions and allow him or her to express concerns. 4. Invite dialogue. After sharing your concerns, encourage your colleague to share his or her perspective. Inviting dialogue will result in greater openness. View the results of our study in the infographic below or click here to download a copy. Related posts: Crucial Applications: Able Arguers are Ten Times Happier than Silent Spouses Crucial Applications: Talking About Holiday Finances Crucial Applications: Antisocial Networks? How to Hold Effective Crucial Conversations on Social Media

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, How can I graciously decline giving a job recommendation for a former coworker of more than fifteen years ago? I did not supervise this person and have mixed feelings about his job performance. Because we had to work together, I strove to maintain a positive working relationship. I am not certain, but I think he left my current employer under pressure, although I do not believe he was actually fired. I also suspect that my current supervisor has a negative view of this individual. What should I say to my former colleague? Sincerely, Undecided  Dear Undecided, When I first read your question, I asked twenty friends and acquaintances what they would suggest. Though my sample is small, the strategies they suggested not only show several ways to approach your question, but highlight a need to share some advice about how we choose our responses to these kinds of challenges. The quandary you’ve shared is one a lot of people can identify with. Many of us face challenging situations where we have to determine the following: Is candor more important than courtesy? Do I care more about the truth or the friendship? Do I want to get along or get it right? Should I be honest and mean or dishonest and nice? So what were the suggested strategies, in order of frequency? Drum roll, please. Suggestion #1. Tell him yes and then don’t do it. I was surprised that this was the most frequent response. Why respond this way? Essentially, people said that they like being friendly and hate saying no. The easiest way to get out of this dilemma is to agree to the request and then not follow through. One fellow said that it would be easy to forget to do it. Some others said that these job recommendations don’t count for much anyway. Clearly, these people value getting along more than getting it right. Suggestion #2. Tell him yes and then write only what you can honestly say. The reasons driving this suggestion were essentially the same as in Suggestion #1. People still want to be helpful and yet they don’t see the value in a job recommendation. So they justify writing only the bare essentials like dates, job description, etc. What they are writing is a history, not a job recommendation. These people, too, value relationships more than truth. Suggestion #3. Just tell him no. Here the suggestions were accompanied by some editorials. Essentially, he is not a friend or close acquaintance. You merely worked together fifteen years ago. So, what’s the big deal in telling him no? In this choice, candor is valued more than courtesy. Suggestion #4. Be honest with him and tell him nicely that you don’t feel qualified to write a recommendation. This suggestion is the same as Suggestion #3 with added measure of courtesy and respect. The rationale here was logical. You worked together too long ago to write a valid recommendation or recall specific details. Not to mention there are legal requirements that make writing a recommendation seem risky. So tell your coworker from years past your reasons for not helping him out. Clearly, in this choice people value relationship and truth. Those who suggested the fourth option have not fallen into what we call the "Fool’s Choice." Instead of seeing the challenge as an "either/or" choice, they reframe the challenge with an "AND." Instead of thinking, "I can decline giving the job recommendation and lose a friend, or I can give the job recommendation and not be honest with my employer," they think, "How can I decline writing the job recommendation and keep a friend? How can I give the recommendation and be true to my friend and the company?" First, I want to make it clear that I vote for Suggestion #4. Second, I want to share an outlying suggestion that humbled me. When I asked one friend what she would do in your situation, this wise and sensitive person responded in a way that helped me see an opportunity for growth. She said, "If someone is asking for a job recommendation from a coworker from fifteen years ago, I imagine the person is pretty desperate to find a job. I’d decline writing the job recommendation and explain that my memory wasn’t that good and that recommendations are best when they are current and from a boss." Then she said, "Then I’d ask if there was anything I could do to help him find a job. What kind of job was he looking for? What were his skills? What new competencies had he developed?" I, and eighteen others, had answered the surface challenge and assumed we were done. Only one person asked if there was a deeper, more relevant need to be addressed. It was an "aha" moment for me and a good lesson we can all apply. Best Wishes, Al

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I have been at my organization for more than thirty years and am the most experienced colleague in my department. I have mentored others and taught them the job functions. I am able to function in various roles when needed and my opinions and suggestions are often sought by others. I consistently receive "exceeds expectations" in my job evaluations. However, I recently discovered a misplaced document that identified all of our salaries; I make less than everyone! I reported this to my manager and she acknowledged that I am a valuable asset to our department that the salary discrepancy was wrong. There are several "novices" who make more than me; a few males in particular. She notified HR and Employee Services and the response was "we will put her on the list." I would like to meet with HR to discuss this issue personally. Do you have any suggestions for how to approach this? Best Regards, Underpaid  Dear Underpaid, Thirty years of loyalty, mentoring, exceeding expectations, being an opinion leader, and getting paid less than some of the male novices…ouch! I can certainly understand the sense of unfairness you are experiencing as well as the frustration of not being able to get the situation rectified immediately. You wrote that you would like to discuss this with HR personally and asked for suggestions on your approach. I have a few that might be helpful. 1. Master your Stories. First, do your inner work. Get your head right. In cases of unfairness and injustice, it’s almost automatic to assume the worst about people’s motives and the causes of the unfairness. It’s easy to see yourself as a victim of evil bosses who make their budgets and bonuses by holding your salary flat. Remember to Master Your Stories by asking "Why would reasonable, rational, and decent people not increase my pay—especially relative to lower performers or newer employees?" It could be that the powers that be are evil and selfish. That’s one possibility. Are there others? Based on your manager’s response, it seems they were unaware of the unfairness and when alerted, your manager called it "wrong" and contacted HR. Perhaps you are not fighting evil people, but rather an unfair system. Edwards Deming famously said, "Good people and bad systems produce bad results." It’s likely the pay system in your organization does not make adequate adjustments for pay inequalities and the people who manage the system are not making the appropriate fixes. It is in these instances that interpersonal conversations become so crucial. People who encounter problems must make those who are responsible for managing the system aware of the problems as well as of the consequences. 2. Start With Heart. Having got your head right, now work on getting your heart right. Start With Heart by asking yourself "What do I really want?" Do you want: revenge, justice, back pay, an appropriate increase going forward? Unanalyzed motives can derail you and defuse your energies. Get clear on the results you want. For the sake of our discussion, I’m going to assume that you want to receive a fair increase in your pay beginning now. I will also assume that you want an appointment with the most helpful person in HR right away. 3. Next, gather the facts. Gathering the facts is the homework required to have a crucial conversation. Use the information in the document for comparison purposes. Include your performance appraisals, ratings, and the comments of your manager as to how valuable you have been to your department. Remember: no exaggerations, no embellishments, just the facts. Ask your manager for help in getting an appointment with the most appropriate person in HR. It concerns me that you will be put on "the list." Apparently there are so many people seeking help that they cannot be handled by regular scheduling; or, the HR group is understaffed. Either way, ask around and have your manager make inquires. Rather than being lumped in with everyone who has a reason to talk with HR, find out who is the right person to help you with a pay inequity problem. This can often save your time and theirs. In requesting a meeting, follow appropriate protocol to demonstrate Mutual Respect. Make sure to include information about the purpose of your meeting. Identify the pay inequities between you and several "novices." Also, be sure to emphasize that there are men in your department being paid more for doing the same work that you, a woman, are doing. This is important information to include in your request because it would be easy for someone in Human Resources to assume that you have a gripe about not being paid enough and relegate your request for an appointment to the "business as usual" file. You need to help them understand that yours is an issue that’s important to the organization’s values, pay, and benefit system, and falls into the category of "needs attention now!" By doing this, you are establishing Mutual Purpose because you want the pay inequities and unfairness addressed; they want to make sure the pay and benefit system has no bias based on gender and that it rewards good performance. You are providing important feedback to help the managers of the pay system to identify defects and fix them. An important caution—in arranging this appointment, don’t preach. Don’t express righteous indignation. Don’t berate or belittle. Don’t threaten or give ultimatums. The Human Resource Specialists are not your enemy. They are there to help you. Make it easy for them to do their job. Be respectful and helpful to them. Another caution—don’t get sidetracked with questions about the salary document you were not supposed to see. The issue is not about you inappropriately poking into privileged information. Don’t let that become the issue. Upon finding the document, you did not show it around or post it on the Internet. You reported it to your manager, as you should have. You handled the situation correctly. Keep the conversation focused on the pay inequities problem. I hope these suggestions are helpful. You are right to help solve this problem for your sake and the sake of others. As you are successful, the whole organization will be well served. Ron

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, accountability discussions, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below. Dear Crucial Skills, I just heard Mr. Grenny speak and I couldn’t help but wonder how could I use influence and persuasion to potty train my toddler? We have been working at it from a reward/consequence standpoint but perhaps I am not giving him enough credit. Maybe a simple behavior modifier that doesn’t involve sweet treats (which I refuse to give) or punishment would work? Sincerely, Pondering Potty Training

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, With recent organizational changes, I acquired additional people reporting to me as their first-line manager. This particular group supports older legacy software products that are slowly becoming obsolete. Our organization is transforming in ways that require employees to learn and use new tools so they can eventually join teams that are developing our new products. All team members have learned the new tools except one older individual. He is content with the status quo, vocalized that he does not want to do anything new, and intentionally does not take training or opportunities when offered. The problem is that prior managers allowed this behavior to exist and I inherited it. How can I influence this person to change? Signed, Managing Obsolescence  Dear Managing, Congratulations on your success in helping so many stay prepared for future responsibilities. The fact that you’ve got only one outlier is a credit both to your team’s initiative and your influence. Now, let’s talk about the "older individual." I’ll share a variety of thoughts that I hope spur a productive path forward for both of you. 1. Question the question. Is it really a problem that he doesn’t learn the new tools? For example, if the legacy systems will need another year’s support and he intends to retire in a year or so, perhaps he’s making a perfectly rational decision not to invest in new skills. My first challenge is for you to broaden your definition of a good outcome and consider whether his aspirations and the organization’s needs can both be served by keeping him where he is. If not, continue to #2. 2. Diagnose carefully. It’s often the case that ability problems appear to be motivation problems. For example, when I was five years old, I was embarrassed that I didn’t know how to swim. My mother signed me up for swim lessons and I feigned a lack of interest—not because I truly didn’t want to know how to swim, but because I was certain my lack of body fat would make me sink to the bottom of the pool. Could it be that he is interested in new ideas, but worries he couldn’t handle the complexity? If so, you need to find a way to make it safe to surface this issue and develop solutions to the ability problem—or at least his perception that there is an ability problem. 3. Explore natural consequences. Too many managers think it’s their job to motivate people to change. It isn’t. Your job is to help them understand the natural consequences of their choices. For example, you might explain, "You are highly competent at our legacy systems. Our new systems require abracadabra certification. In about eighteen months we will sunset our legacy systems. The only jobs we’ll have available then will require the new certification. There will not be a position you qualify for at that time based on your current skill set." Having explained the world as you see it, it is his choice to either motivate himself to learn abracadabra—or not. You can surrender the need to manage his choices. 4. Agree on next steps. Let’s say you explore the natural consequences and he says, "Geez, I think I need to get up to speed on abracadabra." If his past behavior shows that he makes commitments but does not follow through, you must clarify who will do what and by when and how you will follow up. You must also confirm the consequences of noncompliance. For example, you might ask, "Great, so what’s your plan? When will you take the training? When will you be available to take on tasks with abracadabra certification?" Having received his commitment, be sure to add the following: "Let’s talk in three months to confirm that the certification is complete. If it is complete after that time, I will slot you into some new projects. If it is not, I hope you understand that our ability to use you will have a limited life." Let me conclude with one final invitation. Make sure you check your own motives. Be sure you are not writing someone off because he is not everything you think he should be. If he is resistant to new skills, but his presence is still a "win-win" for the organization, don’t be myopic and miss that bigger picture. These are tough calls to make. Management is tough. I wish you the best as you do the right thing for those you serve. Warmly, Joseph