ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My husband works with his father in their family business, and it has come to light that his dad is doing some illegal bookkeeping, including tax evasion. He says that they would’ve gone out of business had they done things "the right way," but this has resulted in my husband owing nearly $25,000 of back income taxes. How do we (or my husband) have a conversation with his dad to get him to understand that going down this path is hurting himself, our family, and their business? Dealing with an Evasive Dad Dear Dealing, Yuck. What a horrible thing to learn. What an emotionally difficult situation to address. And I’ve got to guess it is even more stressful for you, since you have less direct influence over something that has such an enormous influence on your family circumstances. Perhaps one way I can be of help is to give an outside perspective on the priority of the various issues wrapped up in your situation. 1. Your integrity and financial security. 2. Your husband’s business choices. 3. Your father-in-law’s integrity. Notice that the third issue on the list is your responsibility to influence your father-in-law’s behavior. It’s not the first because it’s the issue over which you have the least control. The first thing you need to do is have a conversation with yourself. You need to get clear about what you will do—no matter what your father-in-law does—to safeguard your financial security and to defend your integrity. For example, if he chooses not to change, will you remain connected to his business? If his actions are hurting society’s interests, what do you feel obligated to do? If he is behaving in ways that hurt employees or suppliers, do you have any obligations? I am not suggesting answers to these questions, just that you ask yourself the questions. However, if you do not clarify what your own boundaries are, you will feel manipulated and controlled by your father-in-law’s decisions. You have no control over him. What you do control is yourself. So get clear on how you will respond, irrespective of his choices. Second, have a conversation with your husband about how he will respond, or preferably, how you will jointly respond. Of course, he has more contact, relationship, and influence here than you do since he is both coworker and son. But your husband’s choices affect you as well, so you have a right and responsibility to weigh in on how he’ll deal with the three questions I posed above. Your husband, for example, should come into any conversation with your father-in-law having already decided what he will do if your father-in-law chooses to ignore your concerns. Will he invoke a buy-sell agreement? Will he exit the enterprise? Will he take it to the board (if there is one)? His goal is not to make decisions about how to force his father to change, but to make decisions to protect his own integrity and financial security. Third, your husband is now ready to talk. He has detached himself emotionally from the need to control or compel his Dad to change his ways—which would probably backfire anyway. I understand that some of the options might not be fun, but he needs to avoid pretending that all the power sits with his father. It doesn’t. He only appears powerful when your husband remains in denial about reality. Reality might be that he has to choose between staying in business with a tax cheat and resigning. Resigning might seem like a terrifying option, but it is reality. The sooner he accepts this and gets himself comfortable with it, the sooner he’ll be able to have an adult conversation with his father. From this more responsible posture, he can approach his father and explain the problem. Then he can share his thoughts about the situation and his plan for the future. For example: "Dad, I love you. I love working with you and I want to keep working with you, but I will not do so unless one thing changes. I need you to know that unless we fundamentally change the way we manage our books, I will not stay here. Can we talk about this?" I suspect this will be one of the most difficult, painful, and emotional conversations you and your husband will ever have. Crucial conversations aren’t easy, but they are the pivot points for influence in our lives. I wish you both the best as you contemplate how to defend your integrity, protect your financial security, and influence your father-in-law in a healthy way. Warmly, Joseph Related posts: Mixing Family and Business Financial Family Feuds Family Dysfunction at Work

This is my 3rd post in my journey to cover my thoughts and ideas on the four topics covered in week 3 of the Exploring Innovations in Networked Work and Learning cMOOC. So far, I’ve covered Crowdsourcing and Idea Management and Design with the only one left for tomorrow being Working out Loud which also happens to be my favorite. Defining Communities of Practice (CoP) It’s hard to define a Community of Practice, but I think a good start would be to quote a Tweet I recently saw from another MSLOC430 participant. It sums up what happens when you’re in a Community of Practice and it’s a summary of none other than Harold Jarche who seems to have something relevant to each category I’m writing about. @JeffMerrell My most helpful understanding of CoP is by @hjarche - ‘You know you are in a CoP when it changes your practice’. #msloc430 — Karen Jeannette (@kjeannette) February 11, 2015   As long as you’re changing your practice, you know you’re in a community of practice. That’s pretty simple, but there are so many nuances that go along with a CoP.It’s not as easy as creating a group of people interested in the same topic and say "we’re going to talk about this, and change our practice. Next month we’ll talk about something else and improve ourselves in that topic." Let’s Make a CoP It’s not as easy as creating a group of people interested in the same topic and say "we’re going to talk about this, and change our practice. Next month we’ll talk about something else and improve ourselves in that topic." I’ve seen this attempted. People seem to think a CoP is a formal group that needs strict guidance and cannot build organically with open discussions and open topics. What would happen if we just let people talk willy-nilly? It would be crazy and nobody would learn or get anything done right? Not exactly. When there’s strict guidance and you start introducing things like steering committees, the organicness of the CoP is lost rapidly. People become disengaged from the group and start to not care anymore. Those that attend do so out of obligation after a while, not interest. Discussions and the group have to form organically and discussions have to happen naturally. A CoP need not have an owner, just a single topic that everyone is interested in which then leads to a natural discussion on any part of that topic. Maybe everybody has an interest and turns are taken to discuss that interest and have a messy interconnected conversation (many to many) and not one person to many. When a CoP turns so formal that there’s one topic that one person "teaches’ the others and then it’s over it is no longer a CoP. I realize that I just got finished rambling for several paragraphs straight, but as you can tell I have strong feelings about what a CoP is and is not. I’ll stop rambling now and try to get back on track if I ever had a track to get back on. Being Official If you want to get official about what Communities of Practice is and isn’t, even the one I describe above could be considered a CoP. As with anything else though, a CoP could be a failure or a success, but both of them are still Communities of Practice. Here’s what Etienne Wenger defines as a CoP: Communities of practice are groups of people who share a concern or a passion for something they do and learn how to do it better as they interact regularly. After reading that more carefully, I might say that what I defined above as a failure CoP might not even be a CoP at all. The keywords to take out of that description are interact and regularly. Those two must be present in a CoP to be a CoP. My failed example above does not do this, there’s none or little interacting. Meeting once a month around a topic that was pre-determined by a steering committee then asking a few questions in the end is noy interacting. I’ll leave it at that, the absolute most important element of a CoP is that there is interaction. It’s a group thing, we’re all in this together as equals who love to talk about what we do and want to improve it. The CoP must benefit each member equally and each one must feel like they own it as much as anybody else. Having one central leader and introducing committees into it turns things back into a company with a hierarchy, that kind of stuff doesn’t work well in the network age, just ask Harold Jarche.  Your Take What’s your take on Communities of Practice? have you seen them succeed in changing the way people practice? I hope to see some great examples of how they’ve improved you. I will take this last part to say that the most successful Communities of Practice I’ve seen are Twitter chats. I’d definitely classify them as a CoP. Even with a central group running the chat, you would never know from the outside. I’m a regular at Chat2lrn and they are very well-organized on the back-end. Before I took part in that back-end once, I had no idea it existed and it doesn’t interfere with the wonderful dynamic of the group. The post Communities of Practice Need Some Practice appeared first on Nick Leffler's Portfolio & Learning Insights. You might also enjoy: Communities of Inquiry The Things We Can Do With Crowdsourcing Are Limitless (But Hard) Idea Management and Design - You Mean PKM?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes It’s my first day at Fairhaven Junior High School and I learn that every single student in my homeroom (not counting me) had been registered at the elite, private, and very expensive grade school across town when they were still embryos. Then, starting at age five, for the next six years of their lives, they attended that private, elite, and very expensive school where they were showered with tutors, special programs, and brilliant classroom instruction. I, in contrast, had attended a grade school located in the seedier part of town where the primary educational goal was to avoid serious felonies, and our pinnacle educational experience consisted of weaving potholders. Years later, I learned that I had been thrown in with a bunch of brainiacs who (as part of an ongoing research project) were scheduled to stick together throughout their entire junior high school experience. My inclusion in this group had been due to a clerical error. Consequently, on the first day of the 7th grade when Mr. Lewis, our new English teacher, barked, "Diagram this sentence!," I knew I was in trouble. He pointed at a bunch of words he had written on the blackboard as a means of divining how much my brainiac classmates already knew. "Is that a predicate nominative or a predicate adjective?" Tom McMurray inquired. "Do you want us to follow the standard protocol or the Helsinki Variation?" Dorothy Newton asked. "So that’s what a sentence looks like," I quietly muttered. So went my entire pre-college education. Every single day of school, I was reminded of how ill prepared and utterly stupid I was by classmates who, by their fourth birthdays, had been granted memberships to Mensa. Years of constant humiliation passed until one day, I went off to college. I was finally thrown in with a more normal crowd where, with practice, I was able to come up with the occasional right answer. And then, just when I arrived at the point where I figured I wasn’t a total moron, I was admitted to a really challenging graduate school. Once again, I found myself surrounded by people who had been registered for private schools while they were embryos. Not the Fairhaven people, but the big-city version of those people; embryos with an attitude. "How might you use the over-justification hypothesis to explain this phenomenon?" a fellow grad student asked me on day one. "Is that the standard version or the Helsinki Variation?" another student chimed in. Oh boy; four more years of humiliation. Perhaps you shared a similar educational upbringing. For years, you’re the perennial student—always lectured, tutored, mentored, and (to make matters worse) one-upped by the smarty-pants at the head of the class. At least, that’s how it was for me. I thought it would never end. That is, until one day (totally by accident) I learned what it felt like to have people admire me, rather than snicker at my every comment. In my case, my glimpse into a world filled with respect rather than disdain came in late 1979 just about the time my academic self-confidence was hitting its nadir. Noting the low morale amongst grad students in general, our grad-school social coordinator decided to sponsor small-group parties. These gatherings were to be held at faculty members’ homes scattered throughout the city of Palo Alto. The party you were to attend was based on (and I’m not making this up) the first letter of your surname. My wife Louise and I were to attend the P-party. According to our invitation, we were supposed to wear costumes that represented P-things. "What P-things?" I kept wondering until it finally struck me. My wife would go to the P-party as a patient and I’d be her personal physician. She would have psoriasis and pneumonia—the perfect P-problems. When the day of the grand event finally arrived, I borrowed gear from the medical student who lived in the apartment next door. Under his instruction, I put on latex gloves, carried a stethoscope, and donned a complete set of scrubs—including pants, boots, jacket, and hat. I looked as if I had just stepped out of an OR. This particular party took place long before the advent of GPS equipment or mobile phones. So later that evening, when Louise and I became totally lost on our way to the party, I pulled up to a restaurant and ran into the entry. I figured I could use the pay phone to call our hosts and ask for directions. Unfortunately, I didn’t have change for the phone and there was a long line at the cash register. This wasn’t going well. Then it hit me. I didn’t have to wait in any stinkin’ line! Just look at me. I was a physician for crying out loud. Never mind the fact that I didn’t know how to put on a Band-Aid. At that moment I was somebody—and I had on rubber gloves to prove it! "I need change for the pay phone!" I blurted to the restaurant patrons politely standing in line. Everyone turned and stared at me. "And I need it NOW!" Moses held nothing over me. The sea of customers parted as I hustled my way to the counter where the hostess frantically fished out a dime from the cash drawer. Okay, maybe I hadn’t thought this through. Now, a mere ten feet from the counter, I was on the pay phone asking the P-party host for directions and I had to make the call sound like a medical emergency. After all, I had just crashed the line. "Don’t worry, I’ll have the heart there in a few minutes," I blurted as I hung up the phone. The ruse worked. Nobody questioned me. Never mind the fact that I was wearing gloves miles away from what apparently was going to be a home-style heart transplant. These minor inconsistencies were overshadowed by the fact that I was a physician—delivering a heart. And did I mention I was wearing scrubs? I’ll never forget the looks of admiration afforded me by the restaurant patrons I had just hoodwinked. Had my scrubs come with a cape, I swear I would have leaped into the air and flown from the restaurant—so pumped was I from the unadulterated admiration beaming my way. As it was, I turned on my heel, smiled broadly, and shouted: "Thanks folks, you’ve just helped save a life!" With these parting words, I exited the room with a confident flair I’ve never been able to duplicate since. I think one of my eyeteeth actually sparkled. Everyone should have such a moment. Everyone should be given a glimpse into what it feels like to be totally and utterly admired—if for no other reason than to carry them through the dog days of schooling and apprenticeship. Of course, the heady feeling I enjoyed that day was unearned and short-lived, but I did get a big laugh later that evening when I told my P-party grad-school friends what happened. We were each caught halfway between being a trainee and being a "somebody"—or at least a graduate—and were chomping at the bit. We wanted our turn at the front of the class. We wanted the looks of admiration. And while I can’t in good conscience recommend that anyone don surgery garb and crash lines to get a feel for absolute adoration, I can say that if you stick to your books, classes, and work assignments, the day will come when you will be the knowing one. You’re not likely to be the all-knowing one (that’s reserved for those Mensa folks), but some day you’ll be an expert of sorts and it will be well worth the effort. I’ll never forget the day I finally stood in front of a class as an assistant professor. Thirty eager students were all looking at me. That’s right, me, the kid who couldn’t conjugate a sentence. Then I spoke and they listened. Some even took notes. And, of course, some asked questions. "Is that explanation based on social cognitive theory?" a student from the back row inquired. "Are you referring to the standard version or the Helsinki Variation?" I responded. Things were going to be okay.

Today is the last day of my four-day journey to cover my thoughts on this week’s topics for the online cMOOC Exploring Innovations in Networked Work and Learning. I’ve already covered the wonderful topics of crowdsourcing, idea management and design and yesterday’s communities of practice. This is my favorite topic out of the four. How To Work Out Loud I think my strongest thought on Working out Loud is best described in terms of an analogy that I’ve come to hold dearly because of my stark disagreement with some leadership members on how modern work should be. I’ll set the context in an IT department who we all know (maybe) is extremely good at keeping things a secret and not showing until everything is done. What have we come to expect from enterprise software? It’s not good if it’s coming from an internal department. True there are tons of new startups that are aiming to fix this problem, and I think my analogy also covers how they are doing it right. While a chef is doing their work in the kitchen, that work should be hidden from view. Nobody wants or needs to see the mess that is created, just the beautiful finished product that emerges from the kitchen. This statement is wrong on so many levels and is what leads to so many problems later down the road. What emerges from the kitchen may not be what the person was looking for, it may not be beautiful at all given everyone involved was so close to the cake. This is often what happens. Just imagine being the client and seeing a cake that was completely the opposite of what you were looking for. But if proper analysis was done on what was needed for that cake then it should be exactly what the client needs right? No. Minds change, when you start seeing things created and the changes live in a dynamic kitchen, the client’s minds may change or they may not have described properly what they wanted. Now the client is stuck with a cake they do not love and fake it, or they have to be a jerk and say take it all back and start over. Working out loud takes the dynamic process of work into account and allows a portal into the work as it’s happening. Now maybe that portal doesn’t view the entire process and every step, but the more work that’s shown, the better. Working out loud is opposite of just showing the final work. The client is included in the work and can see as much or as little as they want and be part of the process if they find it necessary. It’s this type of process that makes for the best work and the happiest client. Good Job We can look at some companies doing great things these days as an example of what working out loud and seeking feedback at all steps can do. One shining example for me is Buffer, they are transparent about everything and seek on many levels their customers input. They even go as far as hosting a weekly Twitter chat to get a better look into their clients minds. Another great example is Atlassian who collects data and talks directly from customers while giving them a view of the products and changes they’re developing. This gives the customer a great view of what’s to come and allows for more valuable feedback to make those products even better. There are tons of new upcoming companies that are starting to chip away at the larger companies who have done so well churning out garbage that people don’t want but have no option. This is how we ended up with so much enterprise software that got the minimal job done, but not well. The beautification of consumer software has finally made its ways into newer enterprise software and will have a profound effect on all industries. This dramatic change happens when companies work out loud, seek feedback, and find out what people really want. Working Out Loud starts with making your work visible in such a way that it might help others. When you do that - when you work in a more open, connected way - you can build a purposeful network that makes you more effective and provides access to more opportunities. — John Stepper It has benefits not only on a personal level, it has benefits that span the entire organization and in the case of product design a better product that exceeds expectations without hesitation. On A Personal Level The benefits on a personal level are also invaluable. Working out loud allows you to better reflect on your process, gather feedback from other teammates, and document your process and thinking for others to see. Working out loud goes by a number of terms but it all holds the same concept, showing something beyond the product creates a better product, a better process and a better you. Jane Bozarth calls it Show Your Work which I cover a few of her brilliant quotes below from her book Show Your Work. Don’t think working out loud is worth it? If what you’re doing isn’t worth sharing, then why are you doing it? Don’t have time to show your work? Well, Jane has an answer for you on that too! Saying, "I don’t have time to narrate my work" is akin to saying, "I’m too busy cutting down the tree to stop and sharpen the saw." I could go on and on quoting out of Jane’s book, but I’ll just say that you should buy the book and read it. I own a copy and it shows so many great examples of how you can easily work out loud/show your work. Start Working out Loud It’s really quite easy to start working out loud. Even a blog can be a great way to start, or taking pictures of what you’re doing and posting them on Pinterest. There are infinite ways of working out loud, it just takes finding your voice and finding a way that works for you. if you take the time to do it, the payback on your career is valuable. Working out loud has allowed me to network further with interesting people I might have never met. Showing your work allows people to see what you’re working on and you’d be surprised that a lot of people are interested in what you’re doing. I’m constantly sharing what I’m working on and trying to get feedback. When designing my recent course for Udemy I shared several key pieces along the way to get feedback. I was lucky enough to have some great feedback from people who had been through the processes I was writing about. Bruno Winck, Helen Blunden, and Matt Guyan were kind enough to take time out of their day and changed the direction of my project for the better. I created a Storyline template which I shared with the Articulate community and wrote a post about my process of creating it and thinking. As you can see this working out loud doesn’t necessarily have to be while you’re in the process (but it’s helpful to do!) but can be sharing the logistics of creating the final product. It’s really nice to see the inter-workings of a project and the thought process the author went through to get to the final product. I Worked Out Loud On Udemy The course on Udemy I mentioned above was almost entirely done as a working out loud project. I went through the process of building my NickLeffler.com website with WordPress while recording it. It was a fun process and now is a helpful recording for how somebody can create a professional website like this one. It’s something that you can use to help your career and create a professional network to help your career. I’ve been able to do things such as mentioned above where I post in my portfolio to show my work and used my blog to write about the process of created it. Think of not only the possibilities this creates for self-reflection and self-growth but also the opportunity to connect with people and see who else is interested in the work you do. I couldn’t help throw in a small plug for my new course (Catapult Your Career: Building Your Website Portfolio) too because it is a good example of how I’ve used the concept of working out loud. So, if you don’t have a website to work out loud on or you have a free blog at WordPress.com or something, my course is an excellent tool to help you start working out loud or increase the level of professionalism. How Do You Work Out Loud? I’m curious to know how everybody else works out loud. What process’ have you created to better show what you’re working on? I love to see other’s work and how they got to their final product. It’s also great to hear how it has helped. I’m confident that anybody who tries the process of working out loud will find great value in it. The post Work Out Loud - Don’t Just Share What You Did appeared first on Nick Leffler's Portfolio & Learning Insights. You might also enjoy: Recipe For Disaster Work Out Loud on Colors Storyline Template Tweet Your Way to Conference Success

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My seventy-two-year-old company made a decision to make enormous business process changes intended to keep the company competitive in future markets, but these changes have now caused large amounts of complexity and are affecting group cohesion and overall morale. In trying to accommodate this more "agile" process, disengagement has become the norm as each area continues to operate within their isolated silos. Coercion and bullying have sadly achieved more than peaceful collaboration. Having already dealt with intensified levels of stress, a growing population of baby boomers are moving more quickly toward the door. How can upper management, who has created an unfortunate perfect storm, now effectively promote change? What can be done at this point to make a successful transition from the old to the new? Curious Twenty-Something Dear Curious, These days it’s hard to find an organization that isn’t in the throes of reinvention, and the ones that aren’t are probably dead or dying. These gut-wrenching changes can tear an organization apart. So, how do you help your workforce embrace changes that are profound and rapid? I think every organization needs the answer to this question. We at VitalSmarts spend a lot of our time working with organizations to craft answers that work for them. I’ll suggest a few approaches we take. Focus on your Cultural Operating System. Test this metaphor: Organizations are like smartphones in that they have apps and an operating system. A smartphone’s apps include maps, e-mail, music, calendars, games, etc. These apps run on top of the phone’s basic operating system or OS. The OS controls how apps access and use the phone’s basic hardware, making it vital to the success of any and every app. However, as phone users, our attention is mostly on the apps. They are the programs we use every day. We tend to take the OS for granted. The same is true in organizations. We tend to focus on organizational apps—specific strategies, structures, processes, initiatives, and systems—without attending to our organization’s operating system. This operating system, what we call a Cultural Operating System (COS), includes the underlying norms, behaviors, and unwritten rules that determine the success of every organizational app—apps like the agile business processes you refer to in your question. The symptoms you describe as poor group cohesion, discouragement, coercion, and bullying often occur when an organization tries to graft a new app onto a Cultural Operating System that isn’t ready for it. Launch a listening campaign. Leaders need to hear first-hand from a broad swath of employees. This is not the time for a survey or a consultant’s report. Leaders themselves need to lead interviews, focus groups, and "town hall meetings" to learn about the obstacles people are facing. It is especially important for senior leaders to involve two groups: formal and informal leaders. Formal leaders are the managers and supervisors across the organization—everyone who manages people. Informal leaders are the opinion leaders within every group. These people may not have any formal role as leaders, but are respected and looked to for guidance. Leaders need to spend a disproportionate amount of time with these formal and informal leaders, because they are the key to the rest of the organization. The goal of these listening sessions is to discover failure modes, crucial moments, and vital behaviors. Failure modes are the forms failures take—the common patterns that recur. Crucial moments are the times, places, and circumstances when these failures are especially likely. Vital behaviors are the actions that either prevent the failures from happening or turn failure into success in a crucial moment. Look for the purpose behind each strategy. Organizations that are the best at importing new business processes focus on the purpose behind each new process rather than on the process itself. They treat the processes as heuristics that need to be tailored to fit their needs, not as formulas that need to be duplicated without variation. Less successful organizations get caught up in the forms, policies, procedures, and tools involved in new processes—and implement them even when they don’t fit or don’t accomplish their intended purpose. It sounds as if your organization is suffering from this problem. During their listening campaign, leaders should identify crucial moments when people are implementing processes in ways that don’t achieve the intended results. For example, agile processes put a big emphasis on involving stakeholders. However, this involvement can take many forms—and one size doesn’t fit all. Having stakeholders attend design meetings is one way to get involvement, but this approach only works if the stakeholders have the right skill sets and the interest to attend. If they don’t, then teams need to find other ways to involve them. The mistake is to either abandon involvement or stick with involvement that doesn’t work. These mistakes create the kinds of frustration you describe. I hope these ideas give you new ways to examine the challenges your organization is facing. Readers, please add your ideas to the few I’ve suggested here. Thanks, David Related posts: Holding Peers Accountable Without Management’s Support Changing Racist Behavior Surviving Customer Support Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I have invested a great deal of time and effort trying to help and train a young colleague on my team who joined the organization six months ago. However, my colleague consistently ignores the information I’ve prepared and sometimes does what I’ve explicitly asked her not to do. This approach undermines my trust in her. Not only does her behavior feel very disrespectful and unprofessional, but it has also resulted in additional work for me and other members of my team. I’ve already tried to have a crucial conversation with her, but she simply responds that she "already knows" and can manage on her own. I have escalated the issue, but now I’m wondering if there’s anything I could do to influence her positively. Sincerely, Concerned Dear Concerned, From your description of the situation, I am not sure what your relationship is with the "young colleague." I am going to assume you are a team member, but she does not report to you, otherwise I am sure you would not allow her "I already know" and "I can manage on my own" approaches to her job to continue. When you do not have the organizational authority to require someone to complete tasks, your accountability skills can still wield strong influence. In this situation, as with most, begin with a diagnosis. Why is she resistant to your efforts to inform her or train her? Start by factually describing what happened, compare it to what was expected, and then ask a diagnostic question. Try something like, "Jenny, several times over the last six months, I’ve tried to help you, train you, and give you information, but you’ve responded that you already know or you can manage on your own. Last week, I gave you explicit instructions about what not to do and you did it anyway. As a more experienced team member, I feel it’s part of my job to coach you, but it feels like you’re resistant. Am I seeing this right? Help me understand. What’s going on?" Next, listen carefully. Is the problem one of different expectations? Does she think she is not in need of your help? Does she think you are peers and it’s not part of your job to help her? If the problem is one of unclear roles and responsibilities, use this opportunity to clarify expectations including why you are trying to help her. If she disagrees with your explanation, involve her boss so that each of your roles is clear. If she is defensive and withdraws, or acts irritated and becomes argumentative, make it safe by sharing your good intentions. Say something such as, "Jenny, I’m not trying to boss you around or control you. I’m just trying to help you be effective in your job and make sure what you’re doing fits with the rest of the team." Often this simple skill discloses your motive and helps the other person understand you are trying to help, not hurt. If she is not willing to talk it through with you, go over the issues with her boss. If she is willing to engage with you, instruct and motivate with consequences. Consequences provide the force behind all behavioral choices. We are thinking creatures and act based on the consequences we anticipate will result from our actions. Perhaps a young boy practices the piano thirty minutes every day because he knows if he does, he may one day be a great pianist, and he earns fifteen minutes of video game time for each thirty minutes he practices. His expectation that these desirable consequences will result from his practicing motivates him to practice. In addition to motivating us, understanding consequences fills out our mental map. Often we don’t understand how our actions affect outcomes. For example, if I become aware that by letting an incoming call go to voicemail I am providing poor customer service, I might be motivated to answer the call by the third ring. Sharing consequences with others can both educate and motivate. Let’s return to your question. Help motivate your young colleague by sharing the consequences of both cooperating and not cooperating. Here are some examples of what you might say: "Jenny, I offered to train you in the processes we use and you said you already know them. I understand you have experience in this work, but we have modified and customized some of the steps. So if you don’t know how we do it, it will take longer for you to do your job." "Jenny, when I give you instructions not to do something and you do it, the quality of your work suffers. For instance…" "When you don’t follow the procedures I’ve outlined, it causes additional work for me and my team. To meet the deadlines, we have to redo portions of your work, and that’s not fair to them or to me." By sharing the consequences that will naturally occur if she complies, you help give your colleague a lasting motivation to do her job well. For most people, sharing natural consequences will make a difference. If this information doesn’t motivate her to cooperate, then with great reluctance, involve the boss who has the organizational authority to require her compliance. However, expect that when you resort to imposed consequences to motivate someone, you may strain the relationship and make cooperation in the future more difficult. We can’t guarantee the desired outcomes in every crucial accountability conversation, but we have found that these skills, when used well, dramatically increase the likelihood of improving results and relationships. All the best, Ron Related posts: Confronting a Sick Colleague My Colleague Thinks I’m An Idiot Who’s the Boss?

If you’re not a blogger or don’t write on a regular basis, you should. It doesn’t have to be difficult to write, you don’t have to have a website, you don’t even have to have a topic to write about. The easiest way to write and continue to write is just to simply comment on posts you read. It’s not possible to read a post and have nothing to say or no thoughts about it. You can’t read something and have an absolute blank mind. Not even I could do that and I’m the kind of spacing out while reading. If you do by any chance find you read something and have nothing to say, you can just write a few lines about what you enjoyed about the post. If you didn’t enjoy it and it was the worst way you could have spent that 5 minutes, that may be the only excuse not to comment. Writing a Novel It’s possible to write a novel in the comments section, I’ve done it. It’s not necessary though. You can do a novel’s worth of writing by commenting on most posts you read and writing a few lines. The benefit you receive from those few lines can add up  over time to writing a novel. You could write a novel just by commenting, just add up all the comments you’ve made over time. Think of all that content you’ve written just in comments and all the wonderful topics it could spin into later. Comment More, Learn More When you read a post, you’re paying attention to what you read, you’re learning something even if it’s small. The problem is you will move on and the previous post has now become fuzzy in your brain. Over time you lose most of what you’ve ready. Now imagine after you’ve read that same post, you write a brief comment saying what you liked about it, maybe restating in your own words what you liked the most. That process of reflecting on what you’ve read and putting it down in words helps your learning process. The ideas expressed in the post have now been expressed in your own words and make more sense to you. By writing a simple comment you can increase your learning and evolve your thinking with a few lines. It’s really a no brainer, your brain will be better off if you reflect and make that comment. Write More Better Yes that’s a joke, you can’t write more better, only better Speaking about writing a novel, when you comment on most posts you read, you’ve soon written enough to have written a novel. Not only that but you’re sharing that information with everyone, allowing yourself to get input on your thoughts and writing. It’s a win-win! Practice makes perfect. At least practice brings you one step closer to perfect which is elusive and constantly moving further away at best. If you have plans to someday start a blog then commenting on posts is the perfect way to build up to it. Every comment makes it easier to comment and write more. It sort of spirals out of control and soon your ideas are flowing out of your fingers like magic. If you ever had the fear of running out of things to write about in a blog, have no worry, the more you write the more you have things to write about. A sure way to have enough topics to write about is to read more, comment more, and get your mind and fingers working to allow the words to flow. When Not To Comment There is an exception to the rule of commenting. If you don’t heed the exception that you may regret it and question whether commenting is the thing to do. The exception I have discovered is to never comment on posts from extremely high traffic sources, especially when the material is controversial and the audience is the public. I made the mistake of commenting on a post on Wired which quickly spiraled into my mailbox being overwhelmed. The conversation didn’t get out of hand with trolls and such, but I know it can easily do that. When it’s controversial and the audience is huge, you’re asking for a large amount of trolls and those that are stubborn and will argue their thought no matter what the evidence otherwise. Let’s just say cognitive dissonance is a powerful force that’s not to be messed with. Maybe this exception doesn’t apply to everyone, maybe there are exceptions to the exception. I just don’t find the need to ever get into a flame war, I’d rather just walk away.  At Least Try I’m not perfect in my track record to comment on posts I read. I’ve been working on getting better, but I’m still way off. The best you can do is try. Make it a point to try to comment more. Do It Go out and read a post, something that sounds interesting. Whether you have something to say about the topic or not, comment. Start down the path of better learning, better reflection, and more things to say. The best way to work better is to get smarter about the way you work. Reading and writing are the best ways to work smarter. How have you benefited from commenting? Don’t be shy, you can leave a comment below. The post You Should Comment More appeared first on Nick Leffler's Portfolio & Learning Insights. You might also enjoy: A Self Imposed Barrier First Thoughts on Learned Helplessness Learned Helplessness of Learning #chat2lrn

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I recently visited my brother who has suffered from severe anxiety for about a year. He’s getting better but things are still tough for him. I noticed that his wife is very impatient with him and at times, I feel, belligerent. It’s very upsetting for me to see this. I understand that the situation is very difficult for her, but I wonder if I can say or do something to help her be more compassionate. I’m trying not to judge her, but I’m not always successful. What can I do to deal with my own feelings and to help her? Sincerely, Trying Not to Judge Dear Trying, If there ever was a question that many people could identify with, it would be yours. Life comes at us fast. In the midst of these changes or crises, loved ones may do things that seem less than effective, even downright wrong. When situations arise we may wonder, "how can I deal with my own emotions and help at the same time?" It is tempting to rely on the company message here. Over the years, we’ve given lots of advice regarding the basic crucial conversations steps. Essentially, that message is to first, get your emotions and motives right; second, find or create a safe time and place to discuss your concerns; and then use all of your best skills to work things out. Ideally, you’d follow all of that with increased sunshine and good feelings. I don’t want to dismiss that as an option because every day, many people step up and help improve sticky situations like the one you have described. However, what I want to share are a few strategies for people who don’t believe they are ready to speak up. I hope to give you some ways for increasing safety and for influencing your sister-in-law’s and brother’s best behaviors. Step 1: Master your stories to manage your emotions. You hinted at this step and I agree with you. The two most common ineffective strategies that people use in situations like this are silence (with gossip) and starting a difficult conversation with emotion and accusation. You don’t want to do either, so I’d ask you to ask yourself a few questions. Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? Could she be stressed? Could she not have skills that would help her with patience or with managing her own frustration? If this were your sister dealing with your brother-in-law, might you see it differently and feel differently? How would you approach it then? Why is your brother doing what he’s doing? How could you help him? It’s been my experience that when I ask myself similar questions, I often find that the situation is more complicated than I had originally thought. Through this process, I become more patient and increase my options for dealing with the situation. We have often taught that we need to work on ourselves first. Asking yourself these questions can help you get your heart and head right before you act or speak. Step 2: Model the behaviors you’d like to see your sister-in-law and brother do and then share the reasons. I have a friend who shared a story that is very much like yours. On a recent family visit, she decided that she would help her brother with a few things and that she would do the same with her sister-in-law. During the weeklong visit, she was an example of listening patiently, of asking questions to get clarity, and of doing the little things that helped her brother. On a few occasions, she explained what she was doing. With her sister-in-law, it might have sounded like this, "It’s harder than it used to be to determine what my brother wants. I have to encourage him more than I used to. That takes some patience." With her brother, she might have noted, "I had to ask three times, before you responded. Can you help me understand why? I want to help, but it’s difficult when I don’t know what to do." She didn’t make a big deal of it. She just did it and said a few words about her reasons. We know the power of a good example. But a good example with a bit of an explanation is even more powerful. Step 3: Praise the positives you see. My friend also used praise to help her sister-in-law and brother see what was effective. When her sister-in-law demonstrated encouragement to her husband or when she showed increased patience, she commented. I imagine it sounded something like: "At noon, when my brother left that mess, I noticed that you smiled during the whole conversation. I know it’s hard to be patient in situations like that. It’s not like it used to be. I’m sure my brother appreciated that. I know I sure admired it. Thanks." Or to her brother, "I enjoyed the story you shared at dinner. It was very positive and helped create a pleasant atmosphere for all of us." Now these are scripts I have imagined. What she said was no doubt more elegant and effective. But the principle is this: if you praise good behaviors and the efforts to improve, and then explain the consequences of those actions, people are more likely to repeat them. Step 4: Be ready to share your intentions. I’m sure as people have read some of these steps they’ve asked, "Yeah, but what if the other person gets upset and says, ‘Hey, what are you trying to do to me—you have an agenda, right?’" That’s when I’d share exactly what I was trying to do. "I do have a purpose. I want to help improve the relationship between you and your husband (or wife). I didn’t want to talk about what I didn’t understand, so I’m trying to be a good example and to praise good listening, patience, and service. I also want to improve our relationship so we talk about issues that really matter. It seems like you’ve had a year of stress and unhappiness, and I’m trying to help." We know that safety is at the heart of healthy dialogue. The foundational components of safety are Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect. Sometimes, we need to work on safety first. We need to clarify what we are trying to do. Often, we need to build trust and respect before we have enough safety to speak up. The steps I’ve suggested are designed to help accomplish that objective and if you act in ways that are building safety, you can share what you are doing and why if someone questions you. That should help you move forward in solving some of these situations that appear when life comes at you fast. At some point, we have all wished for a silver bullet or a magic wand. There is none. What we have are our best efforts supported by our best intentions. I wish you well, Al Related posts: Repairing a Mentor Relationship Seeking an Honest Relationship Change Anything: Saving My Marriage

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My seven-year-old daughter is stuck in a three’s-too-many triangle with two of my neighbor’s daughters. Stakes are high because I don’t want to disrupt ties with my neighbors, but these girls are almost to the point of bullying my daughter. I know kids will be kids, and I don’t know that the discipline of the parents will change. Should I just give up and tell my daughter not to play with them? Do I restrict the girls from playing on our playground? How can I help my daughter deal with the neighborhood "mean girls"? Sincerely, Treading Lightly Dear Treading, I am happy to give you some advice about your problem but want to emphasize that this answer comes with no guarantees of outcome. I have faced this problem twice; once with a mostly successful outcome and another that was not so good. I have eight daughters, and I’ve concluded that it’s very hard for girls to hangout in threesomes. But, alas, I’ve been jaded by my personal experiences and shouldn’t try to generalize. In the situation you describe, there are two issues: the problem of your daughter being excluded and the problem of things being "almost to the point of bullying." I recommend you be most concerned about the bullying problem. I believe there is a tendency for parents to underestimate the pain and damage caused by bullying. It’s a form of violence we should not tolerate. I recommend you speak with the parents of both children, and do the following: Ask yourself, "What do I really want?" You certainly want to stop any bullying and make your daughter safe. You might also want the other girls to be friends with your daughter. This is where I start getting skeptical. I think you can get kids to play together, especially under structured, planned conditions; but to get two children to include another regularly and consistently boils down to their choice. It’s hard to make kids be friends. Nevertheless, work to stop any bullying behavior for sure, and see the threesome as a bonus if things go really well. Gather the facts. This is the homework required to have this kind of crucial conversation. Find out what actually occurred and who said what and why. Don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions about motives. Share your good intentions. When you meet with the parents, begin by sharing with them what you want and what you want to come of this conversation. You might say something like: "Thank you for meeting with me. I want to discuss our daughters and make sure that we nip any problems between them in the bud. I also want to keep a good relationship between us parents. I’m not trying to cause any problems or bad feelings." Describe the gap. Factually describe what happened and compare it with what is expected. You could say, "I spoke with my daughter and she told me when she went to play with Mindy and Jessica, Mindy told her to get lost. She asked what was wrong and Mindy said they didn’t have to play with ‘a stupid baby’ and pushed her. My daughter came home crying. Now, I know that kids will be kids and I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion, but his kind of thing has happened at least once before. I want the three to be friends and to be kind to each other." Ask a diagnostic question and listen. Once you’ve introduced the issue without making accusations and laid out the problem in a non-judgmental way, ask a question to see if the other parents are aware of the problem. Find out whether they have a different point of view. Keep in mind you are not here to pick a fight or place blame. You are having this conversation to solve a problem in a way that preserves your relationships. Try: "Are you aware of this situation? Do you see it differently?" Listen carefully to understand. From this point, the conversation could go many directions. The other parents could be concerned and work with you to resolve the situation, or they might be defensive and protective of their daughters. They could even blow it off and not see it as an issue that deserves their attention. They could split and not agree on what needs to be done. I’m not sure what will come next in your situation, but I believe by starting in the way I recommend, you will avert many problems that could otherwise pop up and decrease the likelihood of your success. You’ll need to be ready with all your skills and clear thinking to get to good outcomes. If the parents don’t respond in the way you would hope, I would counsel you against talking with the two other girls directly. It’s very easy to have your words misunderstood and misconstrued when reported by the children back to their parents. Better to coach your daughter on how to handle the situation with the other girls. Practice what you want her to say to them if she’s confronted, and focus on helping her build other friendships. Remember how fluid relationships can be at such a young age and recognize that today’s apparent brat could easily be tomorrow’s best friend. I hope these ideas help and I hope things work out well. Keep in mind, the most important thing that might come of this: your daughter learns how much you care about her and remembers the things you teach her about dealing with others her age. Because this is a very tricky situation, I encourage other readers to write back in the comment section. What has been your experience? What advice would you give this parent? Ron Related posts: Addressing Your Child’s Teacher Bullying at Work Crucial Conversations for Kids

What keeps you from trying something new? I grapple with this question in my work life and home life. We tend to stick to the things we know which keeps us from trying new things. You’ve seen that right? If you’re in L&D then the answer should be yes, but this isn’t about L&D. My theory is that we get so comfortable in one place that we stop trying, you know, wresting on our laurels. We’d rather things stay the same and comfortable as they are now. The problem is comfort and keeping things the same doesn’t work, things quickly move past us and we’re left irrelevant. Job security is a perfect example of this comfort frame of mind. One goal for a lot of people is job security. Does job security today mean that we’re setting ourselves up for future failures? It would seem to me that job security and career failure are slowly merging into one. Job security to me means that one day you’ll lose your job and be unprepared to find a new one, not be secure in your job forever. Some will be lucky and skate through and achieve true job security with no need to do things different and new, but not many. How does job security and fear of failure fit together? I’ll try to figure that out for myself below. Fear of Failure Fear of failure shows itself by sticking to the comfortable and the familiar with the hopes that external forces will also stay predictable. The question I don’t know the answer to is this: Does comfort create the fear of failing or does chance of failure create the push to find that comfort zone? I have a tendency to look at the unfamiliar and going a new path with question and hesitation. There’s always an internal fight between my want and need to do things different and better versus the comfortable option of doing it the same it’s always been done, usually the easy way. When I approach a new project, like anybody I have that fear of failure and the fear of the unknown. Even with a high level of confidence that I can get stuff done, I still have those nagging questions that pull at me, that fear of failure. I’ve fought the tendency for the comfortable, especially the past few years. How do I do it? Doing things differently each time, never accepting that I’ve found the best way of doing something. Accepting that I’ve found the best way of doing something to me is succumbing to the comfort that can easily suck us in. Process is the enemy of innovation. When I’m doing things different, I always seek perfection with the realization that I’ll never reach perfection, only continuous improvement. Guilty Even I (who loves trying new things, learning new things, and figuring out new ways of doing everything better) have the tendency to also fall into a comfort rut. It’s hard to kick when we’re happy (or maybe not even happy!) and in a good place at work and home. As I was writing that I had the though of not being happy. Have you ever been in a situation where you’re comfortable but would rather not leave that comfort? You know it’s not making you happy yet you can’t stop it because it’s so comfortable? Been there too! I can think of the perfect example. How about the person that gets so comfortable not exercising, lounging on the couch watching TV and living day-to-day vegging out. It’s comfortable and seem like you’re happy, but it doesn’t feel good to be there. It’s depressing being inside and so dormant sitting on the couch all day everyday yet it’s one of those things that’s hard to kick. I think this plays in nicely to learned helplessness, you become complacent to the downward spiral. Trying something new by getting outside, exercising, exploring your environment is the best way to get out of that rut and do something healthy for your life. It’s not an easy thing to do but something that requires pressure from yourself to get up and do it. I think that same mentality works for a career too. Getting out of a rut, out of the norm and trying something new is the best way to move forward. What’s Stopping You? There are many things that can stop you from doing what you want. Failure is just one of those things but it can appear in hundreds of different ways. Have you made a conscious effort to stop and think about what’s stopping you from getting where you want and need to get? Is fear of failure one of those things and what can you do to overcome it? I wish it where easier to recognize those fears of failure to stop them. Reflection is a great way to discover them and a conscious effort to do something different is the best way to stop them. The post For Fear Of Failure appeared first on Nick Leffler's Portfolio & Learning Insights. Sorry, no related posts.