Across the U.S., employees are haunted by something scary and destructive—and it’s not ghosts and goblins. According to our research, more than 70 percent of people run in fear from a scary conversation with their boss, coworker, or direct report. Respondents shared examples of the four scariest conversations at work: Bad behavior: "I had to tell my manager that my supervisor was a terrible leader and doing long‐term damage to the company." Obnoxious behavior: "My coworker was meddling in my life and criticizing my children. She actually said my daughter looked like a hooker." Illegal activity: "An executive accused me of changing a document after he had signed it." Performance reviews: "I had to explain to my direct report that his intentions/actions were not being well received by staff, and that it would hurt his credibility to continue on that path." But these conversations don’t have to be scary. Follow these tips for approaching and conquering scary conversations about bad behavior: Talk face‐to‐face and in private. Don’t chicken out by reverting to e‐mail or phone. Assume the best of others. Perhaps the other person is unaware of the effects of his or her actions. Enter the conversation as a curious friend rather than an angry co‐worker. Use tentative language. Describe the problem by saying, "I’m not sure you’re intending this . . ." or "I’m not even sure you’re aware. . ." Share facts not conclusions. Not only are conclusions possibly wrong, they also create defensiveness. Say, "In the last two meetings you laughed at my suggestion. I expect people to disagree, but . . ." Invite dialogue. Next, ask if he or she sees the problem differently. If you are open to hearing others’ points of view, they’ll be more open to yours. Related posts: Crucial Applications: Holiday Office Party 101 Crucial Applications: What’s New in Crucial Conversations 4? Crucial Applications: How to Talk Politics with Friends—and Still Have Some Left

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via Mp3 With Halloween just around the corner, I thought I’d draw this month’s material from my childhood trick-or-treating experiences. I’ll start with a rather bold allegation. I just may have been the best candy grabber in the history of Halloween. "Pshaw!" you say. Well, here’s the evidence. As I walked home with my best friend one crisp October afternoon in 1956, he asked me a rather naïve question: "Do you want to go trick-or-treating with me?" What a hayseed! Didn’t he know anything about the finer art of extracting candy from strangers? First of all, going door to door with friends is a huge mistake. When you travel with friends, you slow down as you talk. Trick-or-treat rule number one: During the precious few hours of the one night of the year when candy is free for the asking, don’t slow down for anything. Every moment lost could cost you a candy bar—which, by the way, just happens to be your only reason for going out in the first place. (It’s all about the chocolate.) One Halloween, I sprinted by a house that was on fire and didn’t break stride. You think I’m going to go trick-or-treating with a friend? Here’s another time-related hint. Today’s kids tote plastic pumpkins and other such store-bought trinkets for holding their goodies. I carried, and I’m not making this up, a ratty looking burlap bag that originally contained a hundred pounds of potatoes. I chose this cast-off carrier because I didn’t have time to be swapping out bags in the middle of the evening. This choice, quite naturally, caused problems. By the end of the evening, a potato sack jammed with candy weighed just about as much as I did. Equally bad, a lot of people were offended by it. "Look at that thing! It’s positively disgusting!" they’d say as I held out a bag large enough to schlep a yak. Rule number two: Run from door to door. When you only have a five-hour window to get free candy, you run. You don’t walk, you don’t jog, and you don’t even trot. You run. Of course, to be perfectly honest, not everybody took advantage of the full five-hour running period, but I did. I was always the first and last kid on the street. Every year my Halloween adventure started with: "It’s not time yet you moron! I’m still doing the lunch dishes!" and ended with: "You woke me out of a dead sleep!" Rule number three: Put the trick back in trick-or-treat. The candy companies of the fifties didn’t produce the pathetic miniature bars they now make in such abundance, so when someone gave you a candy bar back in my day (and I firmly believe this qualified them for sainthood), you got a full-sized candy bar. This didn’t happen very often, but when it did, you scored big. So, here was the trick. I’d carry three masks. I didn’t normally don a mask because it would limit my vision and slow me down. But if someone gave me, say, a Hershey bar (most people gave out penny candy) I’d hit a couple of neighbors’ doors, put on a mask, and return to the place that was giving out the mother lode. I would repeat this stunt with a different mask until they caught on to me. "Say, haven’t you been here before?" I once scored ten Almond Joy bars from the same house. Rule number four: Beware of baked goods. I was raised at a time when a handful of homemakers still made their own treats—cupcakes frosted with an inch of gooey chocolate icing. They’d beam with pride when they opened their front door. "Here you go sonny," they’d say as they held out a tray full of their baked concoction while eyeing my bag suspiciously. Now what was I supposed to do with a cupcake? Consuming it was out of the question. That violated the fifth rule of trick-or-treating: Never eat on the job. One year I made the grievous error of letting a well-intended grandmother drop a cupcake into the center of my bag. I swear the chocolate-covered treat had its own gravitational field—sucking every decent piece of candy into its icing atmosphere until, by the end of the evening, it had grown to the size of a medicine ball. I learned to take cupcakes gingerly in my hand and then use them to mulch the neighbors’ flower beds. Now for today’s broader (and less halloweeny) lesson. Before writing it down for this column, I’d never shared this childhood story with my own children. As much fun as it is, I suppose all these years I’ve had a fear of exposing a certain quirkiness about me and my love for chocolate, or revealing that at one time, I was a bit greedy and weird. This hesitance to share a shadier side of my past raises an interesting issue. When you mostly share your accomplishments (as the majority of us are wont to do) and fail to share your embarrassing moments, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, you’re less interesting and less human. All of this superficial perfection amounts to an individual who is less approachable and doesn’t connect well with others. The same could be said for your relationships at work. I’m pretty confident in assuming that most everyone has a peculiar story like my Halloween ritual that they’d rather keep locked away than aired to friends and coworkers like dirty laundry. Instead, we delight each other with long and impressive lists of accomplishments, noble experiences, and stories that aren’t really told, but rather boasted to anyone in ear shot. Ironically, sharing a list of accomplishments typically creates more distance than unity. However, sharing oddities, fears, and stories of your personal faux pas creates the very glue that binds people together. Of course, we typically don’t share such personal information at work. It’s just not done. Nevertheless, at a time when companies expect employees to work in more collaborative and "team-oriented" ways, how can we expect to be unified into anything that even approximates a social unit when all we know about each other is what can be found on our resumes? So, this Halloween season, dare to be vulnerable. Consider donning a new costume this year, not one shielded by masks of sobriety, perfection, and accomplishments; rather, expose your coworkers to the more interesting you—the geek you, the childlike you, the oddball you. For instance, did you dunk for apples as a teenager until you choked and spit up on your date? Did you make your own costume for a neighborhood competition only to have critical parts of it fall off during the awards ceremony? Or, as related earlier, did you aggressively knock doors on Halloween night until someone finally shouted: "Hey kid, it’s time to haul your potato sack home!" Knowing stuff like that binds families and teams together. Related posts: Kerrying On: Just a Child REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences

ABOUT THE AUTHOR   Stacy Nelson is a Master Trainer and Senior Consultant at VitalSmarts. READ MORE What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training? Thanks for the great question. Helping participants gain as much learning and application as possible is always the goal of any training. However, as a recent Wall Street Journal article suggests, this is not usually the case. The article reports that with "little follow-up or meaningful assessments, some 90% of new skills are lost within a year." So what are some practical things that can be done? Let me make a couple of suggestions that move beyond just follow up. Could it be that the intended effect of training is really a function of three major phases of training? Preparation for training. The training event. Follow-up and follow through. Due to limited space and time let me briefly talk about preparation and follow-up, with a brief reference to training. Preparation Avoid "blind training"! Too often, employees are "sent" to training because this is a "good seminar and they will benefit from it." So they are already psychologically at risk. If, however, an employee were to meet with their manager before the training and talk about a development plan and how some of the skills and tools from the training could be helpful, the employee can view the training in the larger context of growth and development. This should be a joint plan. Help the employee become both the scientist and the subject as they look at potential career limiting/enhancing habits. Look for crucial moments and vital behaviors. Also set the expectation that there will be a brief post training review after the training event. Training One of the ways to deepen the impact of training is to customize the deliberate practice or "structured rehearsals." Rather than using just those found in the toolkit, you can also gather typical situations that employees may encounter and put them into a structured rehearsal. We have found that this can have a significant impact on deepening the application. Follow-up and Follow through The basis of all education is repetition. One of the strategies that you might set up at the end of training is a deliberate practice plan. Challenge each participant to break up the training into small parts. Have them read one chapter in the book, listen to the corresponding audio CD, review the matching section in the toolkit, and work on the skills outlined on the cue card. Give participants two weeks to accomplish these tasks. Then in the following two weeks, have them read the next chapter in the book etc., until they have moved all the way through the material. To create a simple system of accountability, have each participant pass around his or her toolkit to every other individual in his or her table group. Each person will put his or her name and e-mail address in the toolkit. Next, appoint a table captain who is responsible to send out an e-mail in two weeks, checking back with the participants on their assigned duties. It seems that group accountability is often more motivating than partner accountability. While there are a number of other post-training and review ideas, we believe that if there were more intentional pre and post planning, the overall skill effect would be much more significant. Related posts: How do I respond to participants’ concerns about participating in training? How can I help participants who are creating their own change plan in Influencer Training create an actual results statement? What if participants don’t like the term "violence" being used in the training?

Research from our latest study on talking politics was recently published as a USA TODAY Snapshot. With nearly every discussion centered on the election this week, take a look to see who we avoid talking politics with the most. For more tips on talking politics effectively with your friends and families, read this Crucial Applications article. Related posts: Crucial Applications: How to Talk Politics with Friends—and Still Have Some Left Crucial Applications: How to Talk Sports and Keep Your Friends When Your Employees Won’t Talk to You

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Andrew Maxfield is director of the Influencer Institute. If you’ve been connected to VitalSmarts for even a few minutes, you know the company often makes some audacious claims, not the least of which is that you and I, just ordinary people, can develop the capacity to "change anything." Wait a minute—anything? Sure, we might be able to design a strategy to quit smoking or perhaps maintain a new exercise routine. And maybe we can even ensure the success of an important initiative at work by flexing our Influencer muscles. But what about bigger, stickier social issues, problems, and opportunities? The newly organized Influencer Institute, a private operating foundation funded primarily by a percentage of VitalSmarts profits, is an emerging answer to the question of how we’ll leave the world a little better than we found it. It’s our attempt to put our money where our mouths are. And here is a snapshot of some of the initiatives we’ve been working on this past year. Helping Families Escape Dire PovertyPoverty flows from myriad causes, particularly poverty that reaches through many generations within families, communities, and nations. And while it’s trite and inadequate to say "poor people have poor ways," it is true that in many cases, individuals remain in poverty for reasons attributable to behavior as much as to genes or circumstance. In partnership with Fundacíon Paraguaya, Influencer Institute co-designed a program that helped participating families enact vital behaviors related to growing their monthly incomes and increasing their savings. Fundacíon Paraguaya estimates that 6,200 families have lifted themselves above the poverty threshold through these efforts. Meanwhile, the Institute has partnered with Cause For Hope, another fine Latin American development organization, to pilot a new form of poverty alleviation intervention based on Influencer principles. We’re in the thick of the experiments now: creating strong peer mentoring entrepreneurship groups, teaching the basics of self-directed behavior change, and designing lean, scalable support systems. Early results are promising, and we anticipate that many individuals and families will be enabled to lift themselves from longstanding poverty. Improving Educational Outcomes for At-Risk YouthInfluencer Institute has also partnered with KIPP (Knowledge is Power Program), a leading USA-based public charter school system that has shown tremendous results in helping inner-city, at-risk youth prepare for, enter, and graduate from college. We’ve been working with KIPP to reduce turnover among their key administrators, a factor that impacts the day-to-day educational experience of their students. Early indicators are good, and we look forward to helping KIPP help tens of thousands of our nation’s youth. A Call to Action for Certified TrainersHow would you like to make a difference in your own community by training the leaders or members of a worthy nonprofit organization? You choose an organization that aligns with your values and serves people you care about. You donate your training time and we donate up to twenty-five toolkits through the "Not For Profit Training Grants Program." (See the one-page application on the Trainer Zone website for details.) Certified Trainers from around the globe have reported personal, moving experiences related to giving freely of their time and talents. How might you make a difference in your own context? I invite you to stay tuned to Influencer Institute updates, and to join us in the great adventure of transferring the VitalSmarts tools and ideas from the training room to the trenches, and helping to change our communities for good. Related posts: Case Study: Influencer Training Drives Rapid Adoption of Improvement Tool at Xerox Introducing Change Anything Training Case Study: Influencer Training Helps Tennessee Health System Achieve 100% EHR Adoption

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, Morale in our organization is low due to financial strain. Our leaders are under a lot of pressure, which negatively affects their communication to their employees. Their harsh tone and negativity are not intentional and most employees know it’s not personal, but after a while, it gets really frustrating. Everyone knows we are struggling, so why not face it with a positive attitude instead of one of intensity or doom? Perhaps I am being overly critical, but I feel like this would lead us to a better outcome. Feedback here is often quickly dismissed, so how can I approach leadership about this so that they’ll listen? Signed,Gloomy  Dear Gloomy, I have one idea that I hope is useful to you. Your statement that, "feedback here is often quickly dismissed" really struck me. I think that’s true in lots of organizations, and not because leaders are simply uncaring or insecure. It’s frequently because the feedback isn’t given in a way that connects. Most feedback is given in the form of "verbal persuasion." In other words, we use abstract generalizations, logic, or data to try to impress others with our points. For example, you offer feedback like, "You know, I think it would really lift our spirits if leaders delivered positive messages now and again. We know times are tough, but it hurts morale when leaders remind us of it so often." This is stated as a truism. It’s hard to argue against, but it’s not particularly persuasive. Imagine a teammate telling you, "We need to take better care of our customers." Even if you didn’t become defensive, you might not be influenced by the statement. Why? Because it affects neither your motivation nor your ability—the two things that predict how we behave. By contrast, imagine you share the following with your senior managers. First, you start by making it safe to ensure your intent is clear before you get to the content of your message: "I worry about the heavy emotional load you and the other senior managers carry. We’ve been going through tough times for a while, and I know that must wear on you. I want you to know that we are pulling for you and want to do all we can to contribute." Now, here’s the critical part: "And there is something you and the other senior managers can do to help us stay focused and engaged. You have such an enormous influence on morale here that I’m guessing you aren’t aware of how small things you do affect mood and focus. For example, last week my team received a total of five e-mails from upper management—a typical week. Each reported either a lost client, disappointing industry outlooks, or a budget shortfall. I noticed with each one, a feeling of gloom deepened over our department. After the e-mail about budget shortfalls, our team meeting got derailed for thirty minutes with discussion about how we’re in a death spiral—we can’t spend money, which means we can’t sell as well, which means we lose revenues so we can’t spend money, which means we can’t sell as well, etc." What’s the difference in this approach? It uses a story. Stories create a vicarious experience for the listener. Rather than relying on abstract ideas or verbal arguments, they take the listener into your team to help him or her feel the human consequences you are trying to describe. If you pick the right story, and tell it in the right way, you can profoundly affect others’ motivation to change. But stories can do more. They can also influence ability. For example, you could end with: "Please know I am not saying you should protect us from the truth. But let me tell you, a month ago when you sent a note asking us to reduce travel, that note felt entirely different. Why? Because your note began with a positive comment that boosted our spirits and gave us hope. You said, ‘You have made enormous progress toward reducing our operating costs. You have pulled off a miracle by dropping our operating budget by 12 percent in the past year. Most changes are the result of creativity and teamwork. I am proud of you.’ I can tell you that this little acknowledgement felt like water on parched ground. I saw three copies of the e-mail with that phrase highlighted in various cubicles over the next few days." Now, what happened in this part of the story? You provided specific guidance—a suggestion. You made it clear how your leaders could lift morale, not just that it needed to be done. And you did it in an affirming way by pointing out something your leader did right—a good way of disabusing your listener of his or her concern that you might just want to gripe or insult. Of course, there is no guarantee that even a well-told story will change leaders’ behavior. But the odds are much higher if you communicate in this way rather than using logic, data, and abstractions. You’re absolutely right to draw your leaders’ attention to this concern. While times are tough in many organizations, the job of leaders is to build people’s motivation and ability to pursue solutions. If you communicate with stories, you can set a good example by building their motivation and ability to be better leaders! Best wishes,Joseph Related posts: How to Really Master Your Story Does the path to action still include telling a story? Motivating Others to Take Action

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, We had to terminate a coworker who was very popular among the staff and the termination has resulted in fear and poor morale. In fact, many employees have left due to the poor morale. Human resources stated that we cannot extrapolate on the termination, nor can we have a meeting to discuss it further. How can I have a crucial conversation with staff that can alleviate their fears and maintain confidentiality? Signed, Jittery Survivors Dear Jittery, We’ve struggled with this at VitalSmarts over the years as well. We work hard to have a culture based on dialogue, and we also understand that there are few more powerful teaching moments than when an employee is dismissed. All eyes and ears are perked and people wonder, "How can I make sure that never happens to me?" We’ve had a couple of instances where individuals have grossly violated our values and they’ve been terminated immediately. In these cases, we wanted to be able to openly discuss what had happened and help the rest of the team understand more clearly our values through the process. In the end, however, we’ve decided that if information of a highly personal nature was not already public, we would not make it public. Even in cases where someone behaved egregiously, we did not want to shame them publicly by sharing intimate details with those who weren’t already privy to them. We’ve found that we don’t have to discuss specifics of individual cases in order to achieve these three goals—reassuring the team, teaching our values, and honoring privacy. We can honor all three by using the moment to teach how we address accountability concerns. For example, when someone is dismissed for performance problems, we can gather the team and remind them how we deal with all performance issues. For example, we reassure them that: If you are dismissed for performance problems, it should never be a surprise. There is an extended process of coaching wherein you will receive candid feedback from your team when you aren’t measuring up to their needs. If coaching isn’t working, you are placed on a remedial action plan (RAP). You will always know when you are on a RAP because a) you will be notified in writing; and b) you will no longer receive team bonus payouts. This is usually met by a collective sigh of relief. Most everyone now knows, "Oh, I am not at risk because I am not on a RAP and am not being coached by my team toward specific gaps." Or if they are in this process, they are reminded about the importance of taking advantage of it. In cases where the problem is not performance, but violation of VitalSmarts values, we re-teach the values. We explain to the team that there are very few reasons anyone would be summarily dismissed and outline those reasons—verbal or physical harassment of a colleague, theft of company resources, etc. You need have no doubt about your job security here if you are steering clear of these obviously inappropriate actions. We are careful not to make it appear as though we are sending coded messages about the individual who was recently fired. Simply sharing this information is reassuring enough—provided we are living by what we share with integrity. Best wishes in your crucial conversation with your team. Joseph Related posts: Working with a Difficult Employee Letting a Valued Employee Go Recovering From an Outburst

Watch Joseph Grenny’s twenty-minute BIG Idea Session from REACH where he discusses two important questions that have been on his mind the past year: What enables some people to change while most of us just stay stuck? Why is it so difficult to Master My Story? Joseph discusses how shame gets in the way of our ability to change our own behavior and remove the self-inflicted pain in our lives. Too often we believe our inability to change is due to a lack of nobility when the real problem is our lack of skill. In his speech, Joseph shares the moving example of helping a woman and her daughter lift themselves out of poverty by changing their behavior. And when it comes to mastering our stories, Joseph has found that clever stories are so compelling because they come with two embedded lies: 1) I am true; and 2) I am permanent. Until we acknowledge that we believe our story to be true and that it feels permanent, we’ll be powerless to escape our strong emotions about the other person. Visit the VitalSmarts Video Channel and select Joseph’s What Have You Learned Since We Last Met BIG Idea Session to learn how the answers to Joseph’s two important questions can help you increase your ability to change. Related posts: REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences Joseph Grenny Introduces Crucial Conversations Second Edition Joseph Grenny on ABC News: Asking for Vacation Time

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Kerry Patterson This year my thoughts and thanks turn to Mr. Howard, my junior high school principal who, one semester in the eighth grade, taught our English class (filled to the rafters with hooligans and juvenile delinquents) the ins and outs of Shakespeare. He so loved the topic and shared it with such extraordinary passion that I saw for the first time what it’s like when learning isn’t a means to an end, but a delightful journey. Mr. Howard would pause and reread an expression as if sampling again from a fine recipe—reveling in the twist of a phrase, marveling at the wonder behind an idea, and embracing the written word as if it were a long-lost friend. The very next year Mr. Marcarian, our science teacher, encouraged us to work hard and fast in exploring science subjects so that we could end early and then be rewarded with the most magnificent of gifts. He would read aloud to us from Edgar Allan Poe where we discovered pits containing precarious pendulums, and floors hiding tattling hearts, but most of all we saw that learning itself was its own reward. I thank all of those who entered my life at key times and through their example taught me that you never become truly learned, but if you’re lucky you acquire a passion for learning. And today, I thank my partners who continually inspire me with new thoughts, new readings, new studies, new hypotheses, and most of all, with the undying belief that the cure to all that ails us lies in the next idea.   ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Al Switzler It’s a wonderful opportunity to be asked to consider what I’m thankful for. As I sit contemplating and typing, I look out the window at Mount Timpanogos (also called Timp) which overshadows our corporate headquarters. It is a spectacular mountain, with a peak that rises to 11,749 feet, more than 7,000 feet above the valley floor. I have viewed this mountain frequently, so much so that it caused me to wax semi-poetic some few years ago. In this poem is a theme of gratitude. See This Mountain Rising See this mountain rising For eons it has risen Once fish swam in its shallows And crabs as bright as cinnamon Clicked across its sands See this mountain risen Its summit still ascending With mass and might, it’s looming More present than the fullest moon It too moves the tides With its pushing and its pulling The peaks control the seasons Winter’s bone-white freezing Spring’s new green and growing Summer’s snowmelt seeping Autumn’s gold and glowing Spilling to the valley floor And this mountain moves these tides No more than it moves me In the power of its presence Like the highest hawk I soar Circling and ascending I see and see again Then carefully unfolding, my heart opens And I sing In this ebbing and this flowing In this soaring and ascending I see creation’s making I feel the maker’s markings Cleansed by this mountain’s breathings I shed my wounds and worries And I am filled to overflowing with Gratitude and awe In that same spirit, I am so grateful to be engaged in a work that makes a positive difference in people’s lives. I’m thankful to be working with colleagues here and all over the world whom I love—colleagues who have hearts as big as Mt. Timp. I am full to overflowing for people who reach out to make the world a better and safer place. And to my wife and family, who make my world a place of love and meaning. For all of these, much gratitude.   ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from David Maxfield I have so much to be thankful for, much of it very personal: my wife, Kathy, my mom, my sisters and brother, and my wonderful in-laws—especially my mother-in-law, Maureen. But this note should relate to our purpose here—working with individuals and organizations to create change for good. So, I’ll focus on three groups I’d like to thank. First, thanks to all of you who speak up when you see problems, instead of saying "It’s not my job," or "What can I do?" Thanks for speaking up frankly and honestly and with respect when others are sitting on their hands or holding their breath. When you speak up, you make it safe for others to speak up as well. Second, thanks to those of you who use our skills—Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, Influencer, or Change Anything—to create change for good. We are just a small company in the intermountain west, but thanks to you, we feel we are making a difference across the world. We witness you saving lives by improving workplace safety and patient safety; changing lives through effective teaching, case management, and healthcare; and improving lives by making your organizations more effective and humane. Thanks! Finally, I want to thank all of you who help me stay on track. Your candid feedback, accountability discussions, and crucial conversations are often inconvenient, distracting, and a pain in the neck—but they are also absolutely essential. I appreciate them all—sooner or later. Thanks y’all!   ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Joseph Grenny My heart is very full as I look back on 2012. I’m overwhelmingly grateful for intimacy, inspiration, meaning, and community. I’m grateful for the profound intimacy we share at VitalSmarts. I experienced it this year as we rallied around a young colleague who was struck with a chronic disease. His willingness to include us in his experience has deepened our relationships with each other. I experienced it when another colleague who struggled with infertility for many years finally gave birth in a miraculous way that drew us all together. I have felt waves of joy so many times as I think about the shared journey many of us have had with her. I’m thankful for the inspiration that comes when we dedicate ourselves to worthy purposes and embrace important human problems. This past year, my colleagues and I have worked on an experiment in applying Change Anything and Influencer principles to help some in desperate poverty profoundly change their economic prospects. I sat in the shell of a building with Raul who was destitute and surviving by selling cast-off items in Oaxaca, Mexico. Last week, I wept when I learned he has purchased an oven and begun a bakery business as a result of the work we are doing. As we’ve put our minds to this important effort, we’ve felt inspired with ideas beyond our abilities. I humbly acknowledge the Source of that inspiration. I’m grateful for meaningful work. As I write this, I’m in the U.K. where I heard a half dozen talented leaders describe how they’re using Influencer to improve their workplaces, save lives, be better stewards with tax dollars, and much more. Being a part of a work that literally touches every part of the globe fills me with a sense of purpose that makes me feel overwhelmingly blessed. And finally, I’m grateful for each of you reading this. You are part of the community that I cherish. I feel so uplifted when I meet so many of you in my travels around the world. Please know that the brevity of our occasional contact is accompanied by an enduring sense of love and appreciation for you and the good you do in the world.   ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Ron McMillan At this season of giving thanks, I am indeed frustrated by our newsletter editors limiting me to three hundred words. Three hundred words! I need at least three hundred pages to fully express my thanks. But they’re the bosses, so whadaya gointado? I’m thankful for life and the marvelous experience of loving and learning and feeling sad and glad. I’m thankful for my family: my wife’s unconditional love, my children’s magically unique lives and contributions, my grandchildren’s wet kisses and simple needs. I’m thankful that I live in this country where we’re free to become who we choose and vote to choose our leaders, free to argue, disagree, share, learn together, listen, not listen, create, dance, sing, make mistakes, forgive, and be forgiven. I’m thankful for the love of God. I’m thankful that I can make a living by loving and giving to others: I get to study and write, and teach and watch, and listen and learn, and travel and serve, and edify and be edified. And oh the amazing people I’ve met! I’m thankful for our readers and clients and their eagerness to improve and make things better. I’m thankful for the VitalSmarts community who studies the sciences of human behavior and joins with us to train others and in doing so blesses so many lives. I’m thankful for our partners around the world who have translated our work into their languages and cultures and taught thousands upon thousands, making the world smaller and better. I’m forever thankful for the VitalSmarts Team. They are a unique collection of genius and talent, and love and commitment, and humor and integrity. I’m inspired by their excellent work and humbled by their goodness. I’m thankful, so very thankful. Post a comment below to share with us what you’re thankful for this holiday season.

Do you ever get discouraged when, despite your best attempts to change, you fail to behave in ways that will help you accomplish your goals? Do you find yourself getting stuck in patterns of bad behavior—so much so that you’d rather just give up on change? In his twenty-minute BIG Idea speech, Ron McMillan teaches an important principle for staying on course with your change goals rather than getting mired in discouragement. The principle: turn bad days into good data by becoming the scientist rather than the subject. The successful changers Ron and his coauthors studied respond to a bad day with curiosity rather than condemnation. In order to do that, Ron says the first step is recognizing that whenever you experience discouragement, you are the subject. To become the scientist, you must step out of that discouragement and analyze your behavior. So if you have a bad day, how can you, the scientist, use that bad day to help you, the subject, move forward? Ron says when examining personal behavior you want to do two things: Identify Crucial Moments Create Vital Behaviors Visit the VitalSmarts Video Channel and Select Ron’s Turn Really Bad Days Into Really Good Data BIG Idea speech to learn tactics for creating a plan to avoid repeating mistakes. The important takeaway is not to be perfect, but to be always progressing. Related posts: Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Joseph Grenny Asks Two Important Questions REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences Crucial Applications: Why Change Seems Impossible

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I’ve approached my superiors many times to let them know that I would like to be involved in other projects or roles at work, but I haven’t received any responding offers or opportunities. What’s the best way to let management know that I’m interested in branching out? Looking for More  Dear Looking, Whether at work, at home, or in the community, people often feel they are limited in their opportunities to do more, develop more, or take on more responsibility. They feel boxed-in by policy, provincial thinking, or limited resources. With the backdrop of a down economy and all the downsizing or rightsizing that has occurred, more and more people are feeling limited or boxed-in at work. Some have simply accepted the situation as the new normal and have been prompted, either by others or by themselves, to feel gratitude that they even have a job. I admire you for refusing to accept the situation and for striving to grow professionally. I hope my advice will help you as you work to achieve your goal. Avoid the harbor trap. The first bit of advice is a variation of a quotation attributed to a New England chamber of commerce and often used by John F. Kennedy: "A rising tide lifts all boats." If that is true, the reverse is equally true. "A falling tide lowers all boats." This quotation also applies to corporate culture. Corporate culture can be defined as what people do habitually and voluntarily at work, particularly in the absence of supervision. When the tide is rising, the workforce is generally optimistic and opportunities abound. But when the tide falls, due to a pessimistic and cynical culture, many people are weighed down and become trapped in negative thinking. I congratulate you for maintaining your ambitions despite any cynicism around you. I encourage you to avoid listening to the messages about, "not rocking the boat," or "keeping your head down and your nose clean," or "just being grateful for what you have." While these messages can be subtle or overt, they can also be persistent. Run from them, don’t listen to them, and don’t sink with the tide. Manage your own vital behaviors. Now you may not work in a negative culture. Instead, your problem may be that your boss won’t or doesn’t want to listen to you, or doesn’t see your potential. In any case, my advice is the same. You need to be the captain of your own ship. You need to manage your own vital behaviors—the choices or actions that are most directly connected to the result you desire. In your case, your desire is more opportunities and responsibilities at work. When we were writing Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success, we researched what it takes to manage your own career or get unstuck at work, and we found that there are three vital behaviors that can help you advance your career. These three vital behaviors will help you step up, branch out, and build a reputation that can increase your opportunities: Know your stuff. The top performers we studied made regular efforts to ensure they excelled in the current technical aspects of their jobs. This means you should study, attend classes, and read the most current information about your field. You want people to know that you are in the top 10 percent of innovative leaders who can execute in your chosen field. Focus on the right stuff. In addition to being known as competent, the top performers kept their finger on the pulse of the industry. They were knowledgeable and competent in areas that directly applied to their organization’s strategic imperatives. I’ve known individuals who, by asking the right questions, networking with the appropriate experts, and studying the latest literature, changed their reputation as a mediocre contributor to that of an influential leader in about three months time. You can do this, too. Build a reputation for being helpful. There are many areas where you can be helpful without anyone’s approval. In order to improve your influence, start a Toastmaster class, find someone to mentor, volunteer for various committees, or become the source of clear information in your area of expertise. This list includes just a few suggestions for being helpful in ways that require little to no approval from your manager. When people are known for being problem solvers, rather than for who they know or for their charm, opportunities follow. Be explicit in your requests. It seems like you have already asked your boss—maybe repeatedly—for new opportunities. Congratulations again for refusing to remain silent and sink with the tide. If you haven’t already done so, make sure your request is clear and vary the way you ask. Rather than asking for new opportunities and responsibilities generally, ask for the opportunity to serve on a specific team or committee and note the ways you think you could contribute. Or, ask what you would need to do or learn to be a candidate for the next opportunity or promotion and ask for your manager’s support in that development. If you are clear enough, you will get an answer or you will continue to be stonewalled—which is also an answer. If you are stonewalled, I suggest you steer your own boat and ask for advice or mentoring from others in the organization. I’ve never seen an organization that didn’t have some individuals who had a personal goal to help others succeed. I hope this advice will help you captain your own ship and manage your own career. If you follow this advice, I believe that although you may not achieve a specific position you are seeking, you will step up and branch out. I wish you well in your quest. Al Related posts: Overcoming Career-Limiting Habits Save a Stagnant Career

Renowned behavioral scientist and bestselling author, Brian Wansink, joined us at REACH 2012 to explain a common myth about obesity: buffets make us fat. If buffets really make us fat, then why are there plenty of skinny people at a buffet? Wansink and his team sought to uncover what skinny people do differently than heavy people when facing a plethora of food. By identifying and replicating the behaviors of the successfully thin, we can combat our tendency to overeat. By observing hundreds of buffet-goers, Wansink’s team found that skinny people did the following things: Sat 16 feet farther away from the buffet than heavy people Were 3 times more likely to face away from the food Were 3 times more likely to scout out the buffet before filling up their plate Ate off smaller plates Chewed 14 times on average, whereas heavy people chewed 11 times Interestingly, when asked, most skinny people had no clue that they had behaved accordingly, further proving Wansink’s mantra that "the best diet is the diet you don’t know you’re on." So, how can we put this research into practice? In his twenty-minute BIG Idea speech, Wansink says it’s easier to change your environment than your mind. Instead of assuming you’ll have enough willpower to simply eat less when in an environment where gluttony is the goal, do as the skinny did and get rid of the things that will derail your diet. Adopt these behaviors to cut calories at your next holiday party or buffet: Eat off a small plate Sit far from the food Sample the food choices before filling up your plate The secret to mindless eating is not mindful eating. The solution is to change your environment so it works for you instead of against you. Visit the VitalSmarts Video Channel and select Brian’s Mindless Eating Meets Influencer BIG Idea speech to learn how to cut calories. Related posts: Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Ron McMillan Turns Really Bad Days Into Really Good Data Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Joseph Grenny Asks Two Important Questions REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, How do you suggest we prepare to talk about something that matters immensely to us? We may think we are ready to engage in dialogue, but deep down, we are pretty sure we are "right." For instance, what if I believe that good nutrition and exercise is vitally important to good health, and my spouse—who just had a heart attack—believes those factors are negligible and that family history is the determining factor in whether a person is likely to have a heart attack? Or how about the situation where one brother believes the family business should be conducted in such a way that profits are maximized and the other brother believes that the environment must be the first consideration? How do I ready myself for these types of conversations? How do I open my heart and my mind to differing points of view? Unprepared  Dear Unprepared, Your question gets at the heart of why many conversations fail: at some point in the dialogue, our motives degrade. We start to care more about winning than about finding common ground and common solutions. Of course, this is especially likely when we care passionately about our position. The dialogue turns into debate or argument. And, as Dale Carnegie famously said, "You can’t win an argument." Today’s world contains a lot of polarizing issues, and zealots on both sides talk and listen mostly to themselves. They bolster their own positions and disparage the other side. Then, when the two sides meet, it’s to joust and score points, not to find common ground or common solutions. Why dialogue is valuable: I personally have trouble staying in dialogue when I know I’m right—not just factually right, but morally right. I do believe there are rights and wrongs. So, isn’t it sometimes better to bypass dialogue and defeat the other side? Yes, those occasions exist. While dialogue might not always be the best solution, it is especially important in two circumstances: When you care as much about the relationship as you do your position, such as with the spouse who is denying the importance of nutrition and exercise. When you and the other person or group are interdependent. You may not want a relationship with the other side, but some level of cooperation is required because neither of you can succeed on your own. This may be the case in a family business, in a relationship with a boss, and in a political stalemate. So what can you do in these situations to stay in dialogue and stay out of debate? Determine what you really want. Consider the two bullets above and ask yourself what you really want for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. Look beyond any single issue or conversation and focus on your long-term goals. If your long-term goal is to defeat the other side and discredit their point of view, then be realistic about whether you can succeed without their help. Again, take a long and inclusive view. Look beyond this particular issue and conversation. For example, if you need their help to govern, then you’ll need to engage them in dialogue—no matter how distasteful that may be. If you decide dialogue is necessary or desirable, then use the tips below to keep yourself and the other party in frank, honest, and respectful conversation. Establish ground rules that maintain respect. We’ve all seen debaters who score points by making the other person look bad. They try to undercut the person’s credibility and eventually descend into some kind of name-calling. These tactics destroy safety and poison dialogue. Begin the conversation by making a personal commitment to avoid hot words, loaded language, and personal attacks. Commit to listen and to take the time to understand the other person’s perspective. Ask the other person to make this same commitment and then hold each other to these ground rules. Build on common ground rather than seek out wedge issues. Think of two circles that overlap. The overlap is our common ground; the non-overlapping areas are our differences and disagreements. Too often, we focus on our disagreements and use them as wedge issues to drive the circles further apart. If we want to make progress, we need to focus on the areas where we overlap—where we have common ground and common purpose. For example, partners in the family business might find common ground around customer satisfaction, quality, and productivity. I’m not saying that you should ignore your differences, but try to build on areas of agreement. For example, New Jersey’s Republican governor and Newark’s Democratic mayor cooperate in areas of common interest despite having significant differences on a wide range of issues. Find "and" solutions, while avoiding "either/or" thinking. Look for what’s right in the other person’s position and then add to it. Notice how this is different from the assumption "If I’m right, then you must be wrong." Often, parts of both positions are right and these constitute the common ground you can build on. For example, your spouse believes that family history is a major risk factor for heart attacks. Of course, your spouse is correct. Take this opportunity to agree. This is common ground you can build on. Once you’ve agreed that family history is important, you can move on to other risk factors, which may be within an individual’s control—such as nutrition and exercise. You’d want to focus on these risk factors even if you thought their contribution was minor—because they are within your control. Seek ways to eliminate the other person’s worst fears. Humans are designed to be very risk averse. A side effect of this survival strategy is that we tend to catastrophize. We anticipate the worst that could happen and act as if it’s imminent—even when it’s not. For example, I’m guessing members of the family business are each imagining the worst possible scenario. One brother thinks the other wants to bankrupt the business in favor of the environment, while the other thinks his brother wants to pollute every river and stream. What if each brother made a commitment to avoid the other’s worst fears? Then they could have fruitful dialogue about the middle ground. This approach takes extremism out of the dialogue. I hope these ideas help you prepare for your tough conversations—even if you are "right" or care passionately. Let me know how it works. David Related posts: Finding Middle Ground Finding Fault with the Facts Finding Respect for Your Ex

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE One of my year-end activities is tallying up the total number of training days I delivered (one way to ensure my fingers are ready for any math challenge that comes my way). It gives me a sense of how many individuals were impacted by these sessions as well as of my own learning experiences with the different groups. This year, as I was right in the middle of reflecting and pondering—in a state of really "deep think" about the year’s experience as a whole—I received an e-mail from a work colleague. Attached was a Wall Street Journal article titled, "So Much Training." As that was exactly the topic I’d been contemplating, I opened it straightaway. It wasn’t until I was about three paragraphs in that I realized that, due to the heavy meditative haze I’d been operating under, I’d misread the title. There was a second half that I had overlooked entirely: "So Little to Show for It." And as you might guess, this second phrase was more indicative of the article’s content. The article explores why many organizations aren’t realizing the full potential of their training initiatives and makes the point that, in order to receive the full value, what happens before and after training is more important than what happens during training. While this isn’t the first time that I’ve heard this, because I was in the middle of my review exercise it hit me in a different way. It got me thinking of the degree to which I helped and hindered the groups with which I worked. In training terms, I’m the "during" guy, not the "before" or "after" guy. I arrive to deliver a training session or two, and then I’m off to another organization. But just because I’m not responsible for the "before" and "after" doesn’t mean that I should focus solely on the "during." I can talk with those who are responsible—ask them what needs the training fulfills in their organization, provide them with learning objective worksheets they can distribute to the managers of those who will participate in the actual session, suggest ways to measure achievement of learning objectives across individuals, recommend post-training practice strategies, etc. And as the "during" guy, I think there’s a lot I (or anyone in this position) can do in the session that can help support (not replace) "before" and "after" activities. I have activities to use (have the class take two minutes to brainstorm common tough situations they face), commitments to extend (have participants set a date and time to follow up and practice with a partner from the class), questions to ask ("Where and how do you think you’ll be able to use this skill?"), and tools to offer (introduce the contract cards as an easy-access review or checklist). As you prepare for your 2013 training sessions, consider what you can do to change the title of the Wall Street Journal article to "So Much Training, So Much to Show for It" for your organization. Related posts: From the Road: What Happens in Training, Stays in Training From the Road: Training Ritual 53-Collect Evaluations What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via Mp3 Most Christmas stories don’t start the day after Christmas. This one does. On December 26, 2006, after opening presents with her husband and baby boy and then hurriedly packing her bags, my daughter Becca climbed onto a jet and started the first leg of a journey to Stavropol, Russia. Becca traveled to this former communist stronghold in response to what she described as an aching in her heart. After she and her husband, Bruce, had adopted a newborn baby boy a year earlier, Becca was left with the impression that there was more to be done. There was something missing. There was someone who needed her. After scouring adoption agency websites for several weeks, Becca eventually stumbled on the picture of two Russian sisters, ages six and seven. The two rather fragile looking children were currently residing in an orphanage in one of the bleakest corners of the world you’ll ever find. And now, as if a fire had been lit under her, Becca was on a mission to meet the two helpless waifs. Perhaps they would be new additions to Becca and Bruce’s growing family. She didn’t know. She couldn’t know. She hadn’t even met them yet. Whatever she did, Becca realized that she would have to act quickly because the older of the two would soon turn eight and by policy would be shipped to a different orphanage, forever separated from her beloved sister. Twenty-four hours of rather tortured travel later, a stern official led Becca into a room where she met Tatiana and Veronica, the two prospective adoptees. The girls, shy at first, quickly warmed to Becca, and despite the fact that neither spoke a word of English, were soon auditioning for the role of daughter. First, they demonstrated dance moves they had practiced for just such an event. Next, they climbed a rickety ladder that leaned against a wall (left from an earlier repair job) and held on by one hand while leaning out precariously and singing Russian folk songs. The girls had lived in the orphanage for two years, and Becca was the first visitor to call on them—no family members, no prospective parents, not a soul had thought to pay them a visit. Knowing that this might be their only chance to escape a fate that they were too young to even imagine, the two flirted, winked, and did everything in their power to beguile their prospective mother. And just when Becca thought her heart would break from watching the two girls fight for a chance to join her family, Veronica looked into her eyes and promised (through a translator), "If you adopt us, we’ll wash the dishes every day." As Becca cried herself across the globe, back to her home in the mountains of Utah, she carefully put together a plan that ended four months later when she and Bruce returned from Stavropol with two little Russian dolls. A year later, after passing through the standard waiting period, the new family gathered before a judge who asked the girls a few questions and signed a few papers. And then, as if writing the script to her own life story, Veronica turned to her younger sister and pronounced, "Now we’re a family." It had been a hard journey for the two little girls and still more challenges lay ahead. Abandoned by their father at birth and then one day unceremoniously dropped by their mother at their grandparents’ door, Veronica, the older of the two, taught herself how to beg for food. In the winter, she braced against sub-zero weather as she knocked on doors, kneeled before strangers, and begged for her and her sister’s lives. By the time the neighbors turned the two girls in to the authorities, each was more skeleton than girl. The first time I met the two was at our home a few hours after they arrived in America. Nica (Veronica’s shortened name) rushed to the kitchen counter, grabbed a cookie, and then took another one for her younger sister. "One for Tanya," she explained through our neighbor who spoke Russian and was helping as a translator. "One for Tanya," Nica learned to express in English as she gathered in a new toy or sweet for her younger sibling—always her younger sister’s defender and keeper. Always the protector. But the gift that started the day after Christmas didn’t end with the signing of the adoption papers. Witnessing the monumental sacrifice, feeling the love, and welcoming two grandchildren into the family—you’d think the Christmas gift would now be complete. But it wasn’t. There would be a second act. This part of the gift, the surprise part, comes from Nica. You can’t survive the streets of Stavropol and then be thrown into an orphanage—where you reign supreme as the oldest member of a near-feral mob—without consequence. For years after arriving in the U.S., you’ll act in ways that are out of sync with kids whose greatest childhood tragedy took place when they lost a puppy or tore their princess costume. Fresh from a life of deprivation and confinement, you’re very likely to be seen as strange, selfish, pushy, or forced. Fighting for your younger sister, who no longer requires or wants a protector, comes off as strange. Pushing your way to the head of the cafeteria line in a primal response to procure food—whenever and however you can—appears selfish. Taking charge of every childhood game seems pushy. Trying too hard to make a friend feels forced. And then there’s the fact that you’re a Russian immigrant who speaks English with a bit of an accent. As you move into junior high school where being different can be a liability, trying too hard to be accepted practically guarantees you’ll be bullied. Eventually, you’ll learn dozens of swear words—all used as an adjective placed in front of the word "Russian." And when faced with these challenges, you’ll fight back because, first and foremost, you’re a survivor. One day, when someone who doesn’t know your history observes you verbally attack, take charge, or hoard, it’s easy to see how they might become annoyed. Anyone might become upset as the kid from the streets (now dressed in clothes that belie her upbringing) does something odd or off-putting. And from all of this comes the surprise gift. Nica has sat beside me on our living room couch and given me glimpses into her heart-breaking story. I’ve imagined her as she faced unspeakable circumstances and have mourned for her, her sister, and everyone who has similarly suffered. I’ve watched Nica step in harm’s way for her sister. I’ve seen her stand strong in the face of adversity. I’ve also seen her do things that can drive you nuts and would be the first to say that she needs to be carefully instructed. No doubt about it. Just like her American-born cousins, she’s still young and she needs lots of guidance and, given her history, special assistance. But unlike a stranger who might immediately become upset when Nica commits a social faux pas or inappropriate action, I can’t see her do anything—no matter how untoward—without also seeing a little girl in the streets of Stavropol begging for her and her sister’s next meal. With this poignant image firmly in mind comes the surprising gift, the gift of compassion. Not compassion for me (which I’ve often received), but compassion within me—something I sorely need. Of course, over the years, I’ve felt sympathy for others. I understand the need to view the whole picture before drawing conclusions. I’ve even used the bromide of looking at both sides of a coin. But this story isn’t about two sides, it’s about simultaneity. Having felt and mourned Nica’s past, I now see both her missteps and her history in a single glance. This sweeping view fills me with an understanding that makes up the very spirit of this holiday season. It fills me with compassion—a surprising and wonderful gift. Visit our Facebook page to download our free holiday e-book, Kerrying On Christmas: A Collection of Holiday Stories by Kerry Patterson. The e-book includes this story as well as two other Holiday stories from Kerry Patterson. Related posts: Kerrying On: A Christmas Gift Kerrying On: The Great Valentine’s Day Debacle Kerrying On: Stumbling on Christmas

This letter was received in response to a question Joseph Grenny answered in the December 14, 2011 Crucial Skills Newsletter titled, "The Gift of Forgiveness." Dear Joseph, A year ago, you addressed a concern by "Facilitating Forgiveness" about the communication difficulties a family was facing after a grandmother’s extended illness. The family described was my family, and that year, we canceled our family Christmas party. Your advice included patience and changing stories. In the ensuing months, there was a gradual shift as my son, his cousins, my brother, and myself attempted to patiently do our part to mend the difficult situation. We had a breakthrough in the summer when my nieces and nephews talked their aunt, the oldest in the story, into resuming her tradition of a 4th of July party (it was also canceled last year). That action led to the softening of some hearts and some progress in communication. When my youngest sister was diagnosed with colon cancer this fall, the rest of the resistance became, in Star Trek terms, futile. My mother’s gradual recovery, and the combination of service and prayers by the rest of the family on behalf of my sister, have done the seemingly impossible. We are having a Christmas party! A year ago, you pointed out that hate cannot drive out hate and darkness cannot drive out darkness—only love and light can do that. Your gift from me this Christmas is knowing that your advice commending patience, love, and an appeal to what members of the family really wanted was the right path to forgiveness and restoration of family unity. Thank you! Editor’s Note: If you would like to share similar feedback about how the authors’ advice has helped you, please e-mail us at editor@vitalsmarts.com. Related posts: The Gift of Forgiveness Kerrying On: A Christmas Gift What Happened: Don’t Pass the Buck

The following article was first published on December 18, 2012. Dear Ron, I am currently a medical director of emergency services at a small community hospital, and I have an ongoing problem physician who provides outstanding medical care but can’t keep his mouth shut. He offends nursing staff with his obnoxious, condescending, and judgmental comments, and his patient satisfaction scores are horrific, as you might imagine. I have talked to him about this issue several times, as has the emergency department director at another hospital. I would rather help him improve than fire him and make him someone else’s problem. How can I confront this problem physician about his rude and disrespectful behavior? Sympathetic Director Dear Sympathetic, I admire your concern for this "problem physician." Too often we, as leaders, treat individuals as cogs in the machine—interchangeable parts to be hired and used. Sometimes we use them up, discard them, and hire some more. This is the danger of literally believing the label that people are only "human resources." Your concern for the individual is an important starting point for solving this problem. Another common mistake leaders make is to put our concern about individuals above all other people in the organization. We often hold on to problematic individuals or underperformers at the expense of fellow teammates. In your organization, these teammates might include the nursing staff, patients, and other doctors. When we allow someone to stay in their position and it results in others being abused, team values being sacrificed, and work being inefficient, it’s not compassion, it’s negligence. The difficult challenge of leadership requires balancing our concern for all the stakeholders and working through their often conflicting needs. At a minimum, direct reports deserve their leader’s honest evaluation of their work. They deserve targeted, behaviorally specific feedback, and improvement suggestions. Anything less shortchanges the individual and undercuts team and organizational effectiveness. As leaders, we should also provide the resources and means to make the needed improvements. Many leaders assume the problem with poor performers is they lack motivation; therefore, the obvious way to fix the problem is to motivate their employees. However, motivation is only one of three possible causes of poor performance. It is also possible that the employee wants to perform but is unable to do so because of a lack of skills, knowledge, or resources. A third possible cause is a combination of motivation and ability—they are unable to do what’s required and don’t want to do it even if they could. To try and skill up the unmotivated is a waste of time and resources. To motivate the unable only creates depression, not progress. You describe the physician’s behavior as "offensive, obnoxious, condescending, and judgmental." You mention that you and others have talked to him several times with no discernible improvement. Has he expressed a willingness to change, then failed to improve? It might be an ability problem. Has he shrugged off your feedback and shown no interest in trying to change? If this is the case, he probably lacks motivation. Going forward, here’s my recommendation. Have a crucial conversation with the physician. Don’t try to solve the most recent occurrence; rather, use it as an example of the pattern of behavior you want changed. Be specific. Be factual. Compare what you expected with what occurred. Note that you and others have had several talks with him about this subject, with no discernible improvement. Explain that it’s time to take action, then give him two choices. If he is willing to make a heartfelt effort to stop his hurtful behaviors, offer to give him your complete support. This assistance could include training, coaching, counseling, pairing him with a partner, frequent accountability, or feedback sessions to gauge progress and provide support. If he is willing to try, set behaviorally specific objectives such as, "You will not call anyone in the hospital a ‘fat head.'" Identify how you will measure his progress—such as peer interviews, surveys, key observer reports—and set specific dates and deadlines to review progress as well as make modifications and changes. Set a final date by which he must demonstrate specific changes or explain that termination will result. Make sure all expectations are absolutely clear about deadlines, the behavior to be changed, and how it will be measured. You don’t require perfection, but you do require sustained, significant improvement. If he agrees, follow the plan. If he does not agree to the development plan you propose and cannot propose an acceptable alternative, initiate the removal process. Allow no more delays or chances. Responsible leaders care about their people—the one and the many. They don’t callously fire individuals, nor do they allow a single employee to disrespect, abuse, or negatively impact others. They don’t demand change without helping people have the means to change and reasonable time to do it. Responsible leaders give actionable feedback and recognize progress. And they follow through. I wish you all the best in the difficult and worthwhile effort of leading and serving others. Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My company has grown to ten times the size it was when I started seventeen years ago, yet our systems and processes have not kept up with our rapid growth. Things need to change! One of my strengths is ideation and after seventeen years on the job, I have a lot of ideas. I am also an activator, so I write proposals, share thoughts, and provide tangible financial justifications, yet my voice goes unheard. If given the opportunity to share, I use my crucial conversations skills to create an open, comfortable environment to discuss ideas, but I typically only get reasons we can’t do it or I’m told this is the way we’ve always done it—which doesn’t make it right! How can I get decision makers to take my ideas and input into consideration? Thank you, Ignored  Dear Ignored, Your company is lucky to have you. The VitalSmarts team now numbers over 100. As founders of the company, we have no illusions about what got us here. We were just as clueless twenty years ago as we are today, and didn’t have a company nearly as influential. The difference today is our team. We have brilliant people who have dedicated their careers to contributing ideas that make us better, stronger, and faster. You’re asking a pretty tough question to answer with so little visibility into your reality. Why aren’t people taking your ideas seriously? Honestly, I can’t know, but what I can do is guess. So in hopes of being helpful, I’ll give you a variety of possibilities to consider. Then I’ll give you a process you can use to figure out which may have merit. First, the options—in no particular order: Nothing personal—it’s about the ideas. Good ideas. Lack of resources. Your ideas are great but the organization doesn’t have incremental resources to test or implement new ideas. Bad ideas. Your ideas are generally impractical or off-strategy. They’re being ignored because they should be ignored. Nice ideas. The ideas are good but not great. No organization has capacity to do all of the "nice to dos." It’s personal—work on you first, the ideas second. Low personal credibility. You have a track record of making implausible ideas, or have had personal failures that have decreased confidence in your abilities in general. Lack of technical/strategic skill. You don’t have a profound understanding of the strategic needs and direction of the organization, so your ideas are off target. Communication skills. Your ideas have merit, but the way you communicate them (orally or written) undermines the merit of the ideas. Hobbyhorses. You’re proposing ideas that are interesting to you, but not relevant to others. Half baked. You haven’t put enough thought into developing the idea for others to take it seriously. There’s a big difference between saying, "Let’s make a new MP3 player!" and developing a prototype of an iPod. You may need to put more work into fleshing out your concept before others will see its merit. Most organizations don’t need more ideas, they need more leaders—people who will champion an idea through successful implementation. If you’re hoping to simply "ideate"—or toss out gems and have others do the work, you are likely to remain disappointed. It’s political—you lack understanding of how to get a decision made in your organization—who the power players are and how to gain their support. It’s process—there are channels through which you need to move in your organization to advance ideas. Your strategy has been to "ideate" only, but you haven’t done the dog work of filling out forms, attending meetings, gaining approvals, etc. It could also be that you have such a stifling bureaucracy that no ideas will survive birth. If that’s the case, you may need to raise that issue rather than continuing to toss pebbles at the brick wall. There are dozens of other possibilities, but I hope these stimulate possibilities for reflection. So, how can you know not just what might be going on, but what is going on? I have two suggestions to help you learn how to exert great influence in your specific case: Find positive deviants. Identify cases in your organization that contradict your experience. Look for examples where someone proposed a similarly bold idea as yours—but in this case, it was picked up, developed, and implemented. In as ego-less a way as possible, compare your case to this one. What was different about this idea, this person, the political process, or the bureaucratic process that made it work? Using any insights you gain, decide how you will tweak your approach in the future. Find honest friends. In addition to self-reflection, you can ask others to give you honest feedback. This is tough to get. Most people will take the easy way out and say, "Your ideas are great, people are just too busy," when in fact part of the story is that your ideas haven’t been that great or you lack personal credibility. If you want them to be honest, you need to make it entirely clear that it is safe for them to be so. One way to do this would be to: Define the problem. Give them examples of the last few ideas you’ve pitched that fell on deaf ears. Give a contrasting example of a "positive deviant." Make it safe. Tell them you have no ego in this and that your sole intention is to gain influence. You desperately need their help. The more sensitive their feedback is, the more actionable it will be for you! Prime the pump. Give them examples of the kinds of things you think might be going on (for example, use the list I gave you above). Ask them to ponder over the three to five reasons on that list as to why your ideas are ignored. Give them time. Don’t demand an immediate response. Ask them to give it some thought then get together with them to debrief. I know this last exercise sounds like a bit of work, but given your passion about making a difference, I think it will be worth it. If you want to feel fully engaged in your work and experience the joy, I can tell you are capable of finding in it, you need to solve this puzzle. It’s clear that the capacity to innovate is an important value for you, so don’t give up. Get feedback. Examine all the possibilities. Be patient as you develop greater skill at influencing your thriving and growing organization. Influence isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort! Warmly, Joseph

Stacy Nelson asked the audience at REACH 2012 how successful they were at creating personal balance in their life. Using the analogy of truing a bicycle wheel, Stacy offered advice for aligning our physical, mental, spiritual, and social/emotional parts of our life. He says that, in order to achieve the balance we all desire, we need to do the following things: Stop, look, and listen. We are generally blind and outnumbered to the influences in our life that pull us in competing directions and bring us out of balance. Debunk the myth of compartmentalization. Just like truing the spokes on a bicycle wheel, every part of our life is impacted by every other part of our life. Find space, silence, and darkness. In these quiet moments and places we are able to escape from the pressures of life and truly listen to our inner voice. Change with gratitude. Gratitude is a lubricant for life that reduces the friction of change. When we live with an attitude of gratitude we stop whining about the changes we need to make. In his twenty-minute BIG Idea session, Stacy says that if you truly want to live a balanced life, you have to stop, you have to look, and you have to listen. And then go out and live your life with gratitude. Related posts: Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Ron McMillan Turns Really Bad Days Into Really Good Data Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Joseph Grenny Asks Two Important Questions Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Brian Wansink Shares Tips to Cut Calories

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, After reading Change Anything, I set a goal to lose twenty pounds and created a change plan. I followed the plan and lost eight pounds in three weeks, then I hit a plateau and was unable to lose more. Did I choose the wrong plan? How do I know if my change plan is good, or if I need to change it? Stalled  Dear Stalled, Good job! Eight pounds in three weeks is excellent! Hitting a plateau after losing weight is not evidence of failure, it’s good data. Be the subject and the scientist. I suggest you use this data to update your plan. Thousands of scientists, nutritionists, and physicians have studied weight loss, wellness, and health. No one, however, has studied your weight loss. Others have developed general plans based on some general ideas and principles. But you need a specific plan, specific to you. You need to be the scientist who studies you (the subject) to discover the best plan for your own health and wellness. Let’s assume the plan you begin with is a good plan based on tried and true concepts. I suspect this is correct because you used this plan to lose eight pounds. Keep in mind a change plan is dynamic not static. You should now expand, experiment, analyze, and adjust your plan. For example, let’s suppose your vital behaviors were to: Weigh daily Take a brisk twenty-minute walk three times a week Stop eating snacks before bedtime These behaviors have likely made you aware of your weight and the impact your plan is having on weight loss. This is good; observation and awareness are key tools of a scientist to gain understanding. Your weight loss probably resulted from not eating snacks before bedtime and being more active. You made progress and then plateaued. This is good data. Analyze it. What can you learn? Maybe you should continue this behavior and expand your plan. Perhaps you could review what you are eating. Are there some opportunities to cut calories in a helpful, healthy way? What if you cut calorie-rich snacks between meals and replace them with healthy alternatives to keep you from getting hungry and stay energized? If this makes sense, conduct an experiment. What happens when you add this vital behavior to your plan? Note: You can drop the "no snacking before bedtime" as a vital behavior in order to keep your focus on just three vital behaviors. You continue to enact this behavior, but because you’ve mastered it, it’s no longer on your "vital" list. With this new vital behavior in place, track your progress with daily weigh-ins. Analyze the data. Is the new vital behavior working? Adjust your plan accordingly. As you master a vital behavior, experiment with new behaviors. Consider changing your meals and increasing activity and exercise. Also, analyze and adjust your six sources. For example, add a friend and exercise together (turn accomplices into friends), and reward yourself upon completion of your goal by allowing yourself to buy a new outfit in your new size (invert the economy). Congratulations on creating a successful change plan. A leveling-off of your results is not failing to achieve your goal, it’s good data indicating that it’s time to expand, experiment, analyze, and adjust. Doing this keeps your plan vibrant and not only assures you reach your goals, but makes it likely you will surpass them. All the best,Ron Related posts: Change Anything: Motivating Weight Loss Change Anything: A Weight Loss Mind-set Change Anything: An Important Weight Loss Tool

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, How can I rid myself of watching TV mindlessly for long hours? Couch Potato  Dear Couch Potato, Thanks for asking! This is a problem that sneaks up on people and has real impacts. Adolescents who watch hours of TV also eat more junk food, exercise less, study less, have fewer friends, and are more likely to be involved in drugs and alcohol. Adults who watch lots of TV are more likely to be overweight, depressed, have cardiovascular diseases, and shortened lives. Wow! However, notice that these are correlations. They aren’t saying that watching TV causes all these ills. In fact, the causation may run the other way, at least sometimes. Think of how it might work: I feel ill and a little depressed. I don’t have a close friend to visit, and I don’t feel up to taking a walk. So instead, I watch a few hours of TV. While I’m watching, it’s easy to down a beer or two and a bag of chips. As this becomes a habit, I go out less, gain more weight, spend less time with friends, and feel worse about myself. So, how do I handle my depressed mood? By escaping into more TV. How can you escape this vicious cycle? Personally, I use the principles from Change Anything. Set a Goal. Decide how much TV is the right amount for you. It might be one hour a day or five hours a week. Make sure the goal is reasonable and within your control. Create a Six-Source Plan. When a habit is hard to change, it’s usually because your world is perfectly organized to maintain it. You probably have all Six Sources of Influence pulling against you. I’ll suggest some ways to get all Six Sources pulling for you. Source 1: Personal Motivation. Left in a room by yourself, you probably want to watch TV. How can you change your motives in the moment? I think we often use TV as a solution to boredom, loneliness, burnout, and bad moods. And it may even work, at least in the short run. It pulls us into a compelling story and distracts us from our troubles. But it’s a distraction, not a solution. And it tends to lead us into other bad habits, as well as take time away from more healthy habits. If you are using TV as a solution to a problem, then finding better solutions to these problems might remove an important motive for watching TV. Track your moods. Put a notebook near your TV, and track what you are thinking and feeling when you get the urge to watch TV. Find out whether you are using your TV to manage your moods and which moods they are. Also, note what your moods are at the end of each day. Some researchers have found that viewers are happy while watching but feel lousy at the end of the evening—as if they’ve wasted the evening. At the end of each day, ask yourself, "Do I feel good about how I spent my time today?" Enjoy the well-deserved feeling of success when you stick to your TV plan. Source 2: Personal Ability. New habits require new skills. If you find it’s taking too much willpower to avoid TV, add some skill. Skill up on better ways to enjoy your free time. First, determine when you watch TV: is it early morning, the middle of the day, after dinner, or late at night? Map out these times and begin searching for better activities that could replace TV during those times. Create your own Pleasant Events Schedule. It’s an old tool, but it’s a good one. The Pleasant Events Schedule is a simple list of 320 activities that some or many people enjoy. You can find an updated version that focuses on older adults here. You can use this tool as follows: a. Check out the items on the list b. Select several that you enjoy and that would fit into your free time c. Schedule them into your free time—put them on your calendar as an alternative to TV watching d. If you discover you don’t enjoy them, pick different activities Sources 3&4: Social Motivation and Ability. Do others around you influence you to watch more or less TV? What is your personal mix of accomplices (people who enable or encourage more TV) and friends (people who enable and encourage less TV)? Change the Mix of Accomplices and Friends. Identify your TV buddies—the accomplices who join you in front of the TV—and then ask them to join you in non-TV activities. Or, add a new friend by finding someone who is doing something you’d rather do—exercising, taking a walk, reading aloud, volunteering, etc.—and join them. When you feel as if you need help, help someone. Or at least connect with someone. Spend your TV time with someone you care about, instead of with your TV. Call your mom, visit a friend, talk to your children, or help your children with their homework. Source 5: Structural Motivation. Are there hidden rewards for TV watching? Can you do something to invert the economy? Take away hidden rewards. Don’t allow yourself to eat or drink while you’re watching TV. Don’t have the TV on during meals. For example, do you indulge in junk food when you sit in front of the TV? Don’t reward yourself while watching. Reward incremental progress. Track and reward your progress every week. But don’t use TV watching as the reward! Find a range of little presents you can give yourself. Change them up so they stay fresh and make them contingent on achieving your weekly TV goal. Source 6: Structural Ability. Is your environment making it too easy and convenient to watch TV? Does your living room, kitchen, or bedroom scream, "Turn me on, I’m a television!" Use convenience and comfort. Make it less convenient and less comfortable to watch TV. My wife and I have one TV that’s out all the time and is located on the wall in our kitchen. But we’ve made sure the chairs there aren’t overly comfortable. After about 45 minutes, no one would want to keep watching TV at our house. Actually, we do have a second TV, but we keep it on the top shelf in a closet near the living room. Whenever we want to watch a longer show (we’re Tour de France addicts) we take down this TV and put it on a stand in the living room. But we always put it away again after the show. These little touches of inconvenience and discomfort prevent us from watching too much. The secret sauce that makes Six-Source Plans so effective is that you use all the Sources all at once. Don’t cherry pick one or two of these ideas. Make sure you have a tactic that will work for you in each of the Six Sources of Influence and implement them all at the same time. Of course, I’ve shared only a few of the many possible tactics out there, and some that work for me might not work for you. Be the scientist. Explore what works for you and then let the rest of us know. Everyone, I’d love to hear what’s worked for you. Please share your ideas for turning off the TV. David Related posts: Lose Weight and Defy Your Critics

Read Joseph’s latest columns on Forbes.com for tips and strategies for changing your behavior in 2013. And Now for the Toughest Influence Challenge of All: Changing Myself We have it all backward. We lament how the world is falling apart because other people won’t change. Health care costs soar because other people eat too much and exercise too little. The workplace is too political because others hoard information and resources. Others have dangerous political or religious views. Others are polluting the planet. And worst of all, "others" come to a full stop before entering the new traffic circles in my town. Sheesh! That’s why we all crave the ability to influence others. If only we could get them to change, our lives would be better. But over the past few years, I’ve gained an appreciation for those with the capacity to influence themselves. Unlike most of us, these successful individuals think of themselves as influence projects. They stand above themselves like interested scientists and consider the habits and proclivities of their favorite lab rats—themselves. By doing so, they develop insights, interventions, and strategies to behave differently. Read more Are You Facing Your Own Fiscal Cliff? If So, Odds Are You Got There the Same Way Congress Did. I’ve about had it with TV pundits and persons-on-the-street who decried the self-interested, short-sighted, infantile politics of Congress during the infamous "fiscal cliff" negotiations. It’s not that I’m not worried or irritated at the behavior that keeps bringing us to these predictable precipices. It’s that in pointing our fingers at Congress, we are distracted from looking in the mirror. Read more Related posts: Crucial Applications: REACH 2012 BIG Idea Video—Joseph Grenny Asks Two Important Questions Joseph Grenny Introduces Crucial Conversations Second Edition Joseph Grenny Says You’re On!: Keep Habits by Competing with Friends

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I love my sister dearly, but her behavior can be very negative and manipulative. Whenever she is discouraged, she develops passive aggressive behaviors and withdraws from me while simultaneously blaming me for our momentary dysfunction. Often, her perspective of self-loathing advances to the point of suicidal threats. In these crucial moments, I struggle with what to do. I feel that I enable her because I cling to her in an effort to prevent the threatened outcome. However, I also feel manipulated because she is using me to fill an internal void. I desire to help her, but I feel stuck in our relationship. I’m trying to set boundaries, but her manipulation and threats directly attack the boundaries I’ve set up. Please help. Signed, Uncertain  Dear Uncertain, The biggest obstacle we face in life is making wise decisions in the face of overwhelming emotion. It’s impossible for most of us to imagine how hard it would be to think clearly when a loved one is threatening suicide. I sympathize with your plight. You’ve tried to set clear boundaries, but when holding your boundaries seems like it could result in your sister making such a cataclysmic decision, it’s natural for you to second-guess your decision to hold those boundaries firm. Since your question involves very sensitive mental health questions, I asked Jodi Hildbrandt, a licensed clinical social worker I deeply respect, for advice. Here are some important principles to keep in mind as you hold crucial conversations—both with yourself and with your sister. 1. Get professional advice before proceeding. You need to describe your sister’s specific symptoms and behavioral patterns to a professional to determine whether she is at immediate risk of harming herself or others. If so, your response should not be to cave into her demands, but to get her compulsory help. If, after consultation, you are confident a significant portion of the issue is behavioral and not purely neurological or chemical, the following advice may be helpful. 2. Your sister’s problems are more about bad skills than bad motives. She has developed some maladaptive habits in order to manage her legitimately painful emotions. Withdrawal, self-loathing, threats of suicide, and passive/aggressive behavior are ways of escaping emotions she has no other skills to deal with. The only way those who love her can help is to help her—perhaps for the first time in her life—develop clear, concrete boundaries that keep her from using others as a scapegoat for the emotional pain she is dealing with. Please be clear that these boundaries are not just for her, they are also for you. Sometimes, the best way for her to learn to better care for herself is to experience others who are willing to courageously take care of themselves. Establish and hold boundaries for your own emotional health and to give her the option of improving her own. 3. Your belief that you can control your sister’s behavior is what is keeping you stuck. Your sister’s threats of suicide have persuaded you that your actions will determine her choices. This is not true. What is true is that your sister may use your actions as justification for decisions in her life, but that is her choice, not yours. The instant you choose to believe it is true rather than her choice, you become an enabler. You empower her to manipulate you and reinforce her own belief that others are responsible for her emotions. She is unlikely to become mentally healthy so long as you reinforce this belief. You are not responsible for your sister’s choices. You cannot control what she will do or will not do. Continuing to believe you can does not decrease the chance of her making a terrible decision. If anything, it increases it by distracting her from the work she will need to do to become more healthy. I’m guessing we’re not telling you something new here. I sense from your note that you already understand these ideas. So I hope by stating them here to simply bolster your confidence that this is an appropriate way to view the situation. With that said, here’s how to proceed: 1. Firmly and lovingly request time to talk about your relationship. I say "firmly" because she may want to avoid this kind of honest exchange. If she does, then be firm—create safety for her by clarifying your positive intentions: "I want to talk because I want a healthy, wonderful relationship with you. That is not what I believe we have right now. I am happy to wait until you feel okay having this conversation, but in the meantime, I will need to keep some distance from you to maintain my own health and peace. I hope you understand that." You are not responsible for whether she takes you up on this now or decides to wait a while. Do not water-down or apologize for the request. In fact, this firm and loving request is your opportunity to model for her the way she needs to care for her own emotional well-being. 2. Communicate clear, written boundaries. Carefully consider each behavior your sister enacts that is unacceptable to you. Let her know the boundary you will maintain if it happens again. Explain why you need this boundary—not as a punishment for her, but as a way of caring for your own needs. Help her understand how you feel when she does these things. For example, you might say, "When you said you were planning to kill yourself, I felt hurt, terrified, and angry. I felt resentful that you would put that responsibility on me when it is not mine. If this happens in the future, I will need to distance myself from you. It is not that I don’t care, it is that I will not allow you to manipulate me in that way. Instead, I will notify mental health professionals that you are at risk for harming yourself, and then will not have contact with you until you have gotten help." Helping her understand the natural consequences to you of her actions—if done in love and patience—can help her feel much differently about her choices. In fact, it is the only thing that can motivate her to change. She is likely so caught up in her own emotional world that she has no idea how her actions are affecting you and others. 1. Acknowledge her emotions, but don’t own them. While discussing these boundaries, be careful to listen to and validate any emotions your sister shares. Just don’t accept responsibility for them. For example, if she says, "You call yourself a sister and you will cut me off when I need you the most!" you could respond, "To you, my decision to not stay close when you threaten suicide seems hurtful and disloyal. Is that right?" Simply affirm that you understand the feelings she’s having and what she believes is causing them. Don’t argue with her logic or tell her she’s wrong. Just ensure she feels heard. 2. Focus and surrender. The hardest and most important thing to do is to be willing to accept whatever will happen in the future without feeling responsible for it. Do this by focusing on what you really want. You don’t just want a sister who is alive. You want a sister who is happy and healthy. You can’t get there from here. You will have to take uncomfortable steps into new habits and responses to do the only thing you can do to increase her odds of getting there. From there, you must surrender the illusion that there is more you can do. You cannot guarantee she will not take her own life any more than you can guarantee that she will become mentally healthy. All you can do is maintain the unhealthy status quo by continuing to do what you’ve been doing. It’s clear you love your sister. My hope and prayer is that some of these ideas will give you greater skill and resolve to do so in an even better way. With love, Joseph Related posts: Confronting Illegal Behavior Confronting a Coworker’s Temper Tantrums Changing Racist Behavior

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, My sibling and his family are heading for a serious debt problem and possibly bankruptcy. They are trying to cut expenses here and there but still can’t make ends meet. At the end of the day, their monthly expenses add up to more than they make. It seems the only way to avoid bankruptcy would be to make big, hard decisions or to borrow money. In the past, they’ve asked us for financial help. Sometimes we’ve been able to help and sometimes we haven’t. We have a sense that they’re about to approach us again. We aren’t sure whether we want or will be able to help them financially, but we love them and feel deep sorrow for their situation. On the other hand, we work hard to live within our means and struggle with the thought that we shouldn’t have to help others who don’t live within theirs. We’d like to help them change their lives for the better instead of just bailing them out. How can I help my sibling develop good financial habits and avoid bankruptcy? Sincerely,Cost-Conscious Sibling  Dear Cost-Conscious, At the core, your question centers on helping, and defining what help means can be problematic. Often, what one person sees as helpful is different from what another person sees as helpful. So in the spirit of trying to help, I’ll first offer ideas that frame the challenge, and then detail specific topics that need to be considered. Define what is and is not helpful. In Change Anything, we make a distinction between a friend and an accomplice. A friend is someone who helps you and an accomplice is someone who helps you get in trouble. It is often difficult to tell the difference. When you gave or lent money to your brother, you no doubt intended to be a friend, and perhaps you were. But as your brother’s pattern of behavior becomes apparent, perhaps giving or lending him money, or bailing him out becomes the act of an accomplice. Maybe you are acting as an accomplice by shielding him from the natural consequences of his choices. Maybe, by trying to help him, you are denying him lessons he needs to learn. So it seems you need to initiate a conversation with him about what you think is helpful and what is not helpful. I would suggest initiating the conversation prior to the time he comes to ask you for help. The key to having this conversation is to hold it at a time when he will feel safe. Don’t hold it in the presence of other listeners, or when either of you is stressed or tired. Begin by saying what you are trying to do (provide as much help as you can) and what you are not trying to do (tell him how to run his life.) You are bringing up this topic because it is difficult and ignoring it won’t help the situation go away. By initiating the conversation about your intentions and limitations, you are stepping forward to help in a productive way. Diagnose a motivation vs. an ability problem. It’s easy to conclude that if others just wanted to control their urges and their spending, they could show a little deferred gratification and all would be well. However, for many people, the problem is not want to, the problem is can do—more people have a skill-power problem than a will-power problem. And when we try to motivate the unable, we create more frustration than progress. So hold a conversation to diagnose whether or not your brother is unmotivated or unable. If he is truly unable and doesn’t understand what it takes to make and save money or live within a budget, then you can move the conversation to helping him learn new skills that will ensure his long-term success. Engage in a dialogue about the skills he needs to develop and what he needs to actually do to enable his path out of debt. Introduce your brother to a more robust theory of change. For example, teach him the distinction between friends and accomplices. People who need to change are more likely to succeed if they distance themselves from accomplices, turn accomplices into friends, or just add a couple of friends. Help your brother identify those people who are leading him down the path of financial security or financial failure. When you get to the more technical aspects of financial literacy, consider several options. First, ask your brother if it would be helpful to list the people, places, and things that are helping and those that are hindering his ability to manage his finances. Often, just by articulating this list, steps forward become clear. During this process, you can also ask if it would be all right if you shared some of the tactics that have helped you and barriers that have been stumbling blocks for you. Second, you might ask if your brother will consider exploring some other expert resources. There are experienced financial consultants who will help people learn what they need to do to get out of debt—how to budget, live within a budget, increase savings, and so on. In Change Anything, we share what we’ve learned about personal change and we also have a chapter devoted specifically to getting out of debt titled, "Financial Fitness: How to Get out of Debt." We encourage people to identify the crucial moments where they are tempted to spend too much, and we encourage them to find their unique vital behaviors. Here are four common vital behaviors to financial fidelity we found in our research: Track everything. The financially fit record every bit of money they spend so they can improve at planning and budgeting. Know before you go. The financially fit make plans and lists about what they will buy before they go shopping and they stick to that list. Save before you spend. The financially fit automatically apply 10 percent or more of their paychecks to their bills in order to accelerate debt repayment. Hold a weekly wealth review. Once a week, at the same time, the financially fit review their budget, discuss deviations, and make improvement plans for the next week. And to adopt these vital behaviors, the financially fit get the six sources of influence working in their favor. So in summary, reach out to help, dialogue about skill-power, and find some resources that will teach your brother new skills. Doing these things will do more to help your brother than handing him a check could ever accomplish. I hope that helps,Al Related posts: Change Anything: Changing Spending Habits Crucial Applications: Tax Refund Tips to Jump-start Financial Savings Habits Overcoming Career-Limiting Habits