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To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below. Dear Crucial Skills, I have a three-year-old daughter, and I am concerned about the frequency with which I lose patience and "talk down" to her. My own father was very judgmental and intolerant of mistakes and inefficiencies. My daughter is three, and she is the epitome of inefficient! As much as I try not to, I sound like my dad way too much. I hear the disapproving tone in my voice and know I shouldn’t use it, but I get so annoyed with her at times. I don’t want to raise her to be afraid to make mistakes and I want her to have positive self-esteem. How do I stop myself from repeating the patterns I was raised with? Frayed Patience

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, Some time ago, I rejected a perfectly good job offer. I now realize that I made the biggest mistake of my life. The line manager actually personally called me after the interview process to reassure me that he was very eager for me to join his team. Is it a good idea to call him back to inquire about possible opportunities? Provided I am granted a face-to-face meeting, how do I ask to join his team after I rejected a previous offer? Overcoming My Biggest Mistake  Dear Overcoming, By all means, make the call! Now! You have nothing to lose. It’s possible that the hiring manager will only feel flattered that you reconsidered. Of course, he may have found another candidate already. Or he may have felt hurt if you gave some indication that you would accept and then didn’t. Or if you just went silent and never actually shared your decision to decline, he may feel insulted or have a negative view of your emotional maturity. Here are two possible scenarios as well as tips for handing each conversation. Scenario 1: You clearly and respectfully declined the offer. You need to do three things in your conversation: Reaffirm your original feelings about the offer. Help him make sense of your change of heart. Make it easy for him to let you know the position was filled. This might sound like, "I know it’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve spoken, and I fully understand that you may have extended another offer for the position. If it is still open, I want you to know I have changed my mind about staying where I am. I realize now that I let a fear of the unknown keep me back from something that would be truly exciting to me. This job would give me a chance to use the full range of skills I’ve been trained for. I’m ready to jump in if the job is available. And if it’s not, I want you to know I would like to talk about other options in the future." Scenario 2: You didn’t handle it well. If you expressed enthusiasm then changed your mind, or if you waited too long to let him know you wouldn’t be coming, or if you offended him in some other way, start there. For example, you might say, "I want you to know I’ve changed my mind about your offer, and I’d like to explain why. But I also want you to know I’ve been feeling some guilt over how I may have offended or inconvenienced you when we discussed the position earlier. I was embarrassed to let you know I had changed my mind so I waited two days to call you. In retrospect, I think I may have caused you to waste time in filling the position. I am sorry if that is the case . . ." Let him respond by either acknowledging that this was an issue or bringing up any other concerns you might have created. Give him permission to factor these concerns into his decision about reconsidering you. Then move on to explain why you’ve changed your mind. I wish you the best in this decision. I know making such a leap can be scary. I hope it works out well for you and the organization you’ll join. Warmly,Joseph Related posts: Changing Behavior After Training

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Since the news broke that some employers now ask job applicants for their social media passwords, most coverage has focused on the perceived invasion of applicants' privacy. But this practice isn't just creepy -- and illegal in some states, such as Maryland and Illinois; it’s also a bad business move. [...]

Across the U.S., employees are haunted by something scary and destructive—and it’s not ghosts and goblins. According to our research, more than 70 percent of people run in fear from a scary conversation with their boss, coworker, or direct report. Respondents shared examples of the four scariest conversations at work: Bad behavior: "I had to tell my manager that my supervisor was a terrible leader and doing long‐term damage to the company." Obnoxious behavior: "My coworker was meddling in my life and criticizing my children. She actually said my daughter looked like a hooker." Illegal activity: "An executive accused me of changing a document after he had signed it." Performance reviews: "I had to explain to my direct report that his intentions/actions were not being well received by staff, and that it would hurt his credibility to continue on that path." But these conversations don’t have to be scary. Follow these tips for approaching and conquering scary conversations about bad behavior: Talk face‐to‐face and in private. Don’t chicken out by reverting to e‐mail or phone. Assume the best of others. Perhaps the other person is unaware of the effects of his or her actions. Enter the conversation as a curious friend rather than an angry co‐worker. Use tentative language. Describe the problem by saying, "I’m not sure you’re intending this . . ." or "I’m not even sure you’re aware. . ." Share facts not conclusions. Not only are conclusions possibly wrong, they also create defensiveness. Say, "In the last two meetings you laughed at my suggestion. I expect people to disagree, but . . ." Invite dialogue. Next, ask if he or she sees the problem differently. If you are open to hearing others’ points of view, they’ll be more open to yours. Related posts: Crucial Applications: Holiday Office Party 101 Crucial Applications: What’s New in Crucial Conversations 4? Crucial Applications: How to Talk Politics with Friends—and Still Have Some Left

Workplace culture evolves with each generation, and today’s hires have demands and needs quite different from what their hiring managers are used to. And of course, the batch of future employees who have yet to master the alphabet will bring still another set of cultural attitudes to the workplace when [...]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via Mp3 With Halloween just around the corner, I thought I’d draw this month’s material from my childhood trick-or-treating experiences. I’ll start with a rather bold allegation. I just may have been the best candy grabber in the history of Halloween. "Pshaw!" you say. Well, here’s the evidence. As I walked home with my best friend one crisp October afternoon in 1956, he asked me a rather naïve question: "Do you want to go trick-or-treating with me?" What a hayseed! Didn’t he know anything about the finer art of extracting candy from strangers? First of all, going door to door with friends is a huge mistake. When you travel with friends, you slow down as you talk. Trick-or-treat rule number one: During the precious few hours of the one night of the year when candy is free for the asking, don’t slow down for anything. Every moment lost could cost you a candy bar—which, by the way, just happens to be your only reason for going out in the first place. (It’s all about the chocolate.) One Halloween, I sprinted by a house that was on fire and didn’t break stride. You think I’m going to go trick-or-treating with a friend? Here’s another time-related hint. Today’s kids tote plastic pumpkins and other such store-bought trinkets for holding their goodies. I carried, and I’m not making this up, a ratty looking burlap bag that originally contained a hundred pounds of potatoes. I chose this cast-off carrier because I didn’t have time to be swapping out bags in the middle of the evening. This choice, quite naturally, caused problems. By the end of the evening, a potato sack jammed with candy weighed just about as much as I did. Equally bad, a lot of people were offended by it. "Look at that thing! It’s positively disgusting!" they’d say as I held out a bag large enough to schlep a yak. Rule number two: Run from door to door. When you only have a five-hour window to get free candy, you run. You don’t walk, you don’t jog, and you don’t even trot. You run. Of course, to be perfectly honest, not everybody took advantage of the full five-hour running period, but I did. I was always the first and last kid on the street. Every year my Halloween adventure started with: "It’s not time yet you moron! I’m still doing the lunch dishes!" and ended with: "You woke me out of a dead sleep!" Rule number three: Put the trick back in trick-or-treat. The candy companies of the fifties didn’t produce the pathetic miniature bars they now make in such abundance, so when someone gave you a candy bar back in my day (and I firmly believe this qualified them for sainthood), you got a full-sized candy bar. This didn’t happen very often, but when it did, you scored big. So, here was the trick. I’d carry three masks. I didn’t normally don a mask because it would limit my vision and slow me down. But if someone gave me, say, a Hershey bar (most people gave out penny candy) I’d hit a couple of neighbors’ doors, put on a mask, and return to the place that was giving out the mother lode. I would repeat this stunt with a different mask until they caught on to me. "Say, haven’t you been here before?" I once scored ten Almond Joy bars from the same house. Rule number four: Beware of baked goods. I was raised at a time when a handful of homemakers still made their own treats—cupcakes frosted with an inch of gooey chocolate icing. They’d beam with pride when they opened their front door. "Here you go sonny," they’d say as they held out a tray full of their baked concoction while eyeing my bag suspiciously. Now what was I supposed to do with a cupcake? Consuming it was out of the question. That violated the fifth rule of trick-or-treating: Never eat on the job. One year I made the grievous error of letting a well-intended grandmother drop a cupcake into the center of my bag. I swear the chocolate-covered treat had its own gravitational field—sucking every decent piece of candy into its icing atmosphere until, by the end of the evening, it had grown to the size of a medicine ball. I learned to take cupcakes gingerly in my hand and then use them to mulch the neighbors’ flower beds. Now for today’s broader (and less halloweeny) lesson. Before writing it down for this column, I’d never shared this childhood story with my own children. As much fun as it is, I suppose all these years I’ve had a fear of exposing a certain quirkiness about me and my love for chocolate, or revealing that at one time, I was a bit greedy and weird. This hesitance to share a shadier side of my past raises an interesting issue. When you mostly share your accomplishments (as the majority of us are wont to do) and fail to share your embarrassing moments, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, you’re less interesting and less human. All of this superficial perfection amounts to an individual who is less approachable and doesn’t connect well with others. The same could be said for your relationships at work. I’m pretty confident in assuming that most everyone has a peculiar story like my Halloween ritual that they’d rather keep locked away than aired to friends and coworkers like dirty laundry. Instead, we delight each other with long and impressive lists of accomplishments, noble experiences, and stories that aren’t really told, but rather boasted to anyone in ear shot. Ironically, sharing a list of accomplishments typically creates more distance than unity. However, sharing oddities, fears, and stories of your personal faux pas creates the very glue that binds people together. Of course, we typically don’t share such personal information at work. It’s just not done. Nevertheless, at a time when companies expect employees to work in more collaborative and "team-oriented" ways, how can we expect to be unified into anything that even approximates a social unit when all we know about each other is what can be found on our resumes? So, this Halloween season, dare to be vulnerable. Consider donning a new costume this year, not one shielded by masks of sobriety, perfection, and accomplishments; rather, expose your coworkers to the more interesting you—the geek you, the childlike you, the oddball you. For instance, did you dunk for apples as a teenager until you choked and spit up on your date? Did you make your own costume for a neighborhood competition only to have critical parts of it fall off during the awards ceremony? Or, as related earlier, did you aggressively knock doors on Halloween night until someone finally shouted: "Hey kid, it’s time to haul your potato sack home!" Knowing stuff like that binds families and teams together. Related posts: Kerrying On: Just a Child REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences

Third-party sites that rate "influence" are relatively new on the scene, but they're already changing the way recruiting is done. Current frontrunner Klout, which launched in 2008, was the first popular social media analytics service.  It aims to measure users' influence across their social network, and does so by pulling [...]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR   Stacy Nelson is a Master Trainer and Senior Consultant at VitalSmarts. READ MORE What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training? Thanks for the great question. Helping participants gain as much learning and application as possible is always the goal of any training. However, as a recent Wall Street Journal article suggests, this is not usually the case. The article reports that with "little follow-up or meaningful assessments, some 90% of new skills are lost within a year." So what are some practical things that can be done? Let me make a couple of suggestions that move beyond just follow up. Could it be that the intended effect of training is really a function of three major phases of training? Preparation for training. The training event. Follow-up and follow through. Due to limited space and time let me briefly talk about preparation and follow-up, with a brief reference to training. Preparation Avoid "blind training"! Too often, employees are "sent" to training because this is a "good seminar and they will benefit from it." So they are already psychologically at risk. If, however, an employee were to meet with their manager before the training and talk about a development plan and how some of the skills and tools from the training could be helpful, the employee can view the training in the larger context of growth and development. This should be a joint plan. Help the employee become both the scientist and the subject as they look at potential career limiting/enhancing habits. Look for crucial moments and vital behaviors. Also set the expectation that there will be a brief post training review after the training event. Training One of the ways to deepen the impact of training is to customize the deliberate practice or "structured rehearsals." Rather than using just those found in the toolkit, you can also gather typical situations that employees may encounter and put them into a structured rehearsal. We have found that this can have a significant impact on deepening the application. Follow-up and Follow through The basis of all education is repetition. One of the strategies that you might set up at the end of training is a deliberate practice plan. Challenge each participant to break up the training into small parts. Have them read one chapter in the book, listen to the corresponding audio CD, review the matching section in the toolkit, and work on the skills outlined on the cue card. Give participants two weeks to accomplish these tasks. Then in the following two weeks, have them read the next chapter in the book etc., until they have moved all the way through the material. To create a simple system of accountability, have each participant pass around his or her toolkit to every other individual in his or her table group. Each person will put his or her name and e-mail address in the toolkit. Next, appoint a table captain who is responsible to send out an e-mail in two weeks, checking back with the participants on their assigned duties. It seems that group accountability is often more motivating than partner accountability. While there are a number of other post-training and review ideas, we believe that if there were more intentional pre and post planning, the overall skill effect would be much more significant. Related posts: How do I respond to participants’ concerns about participating in training? How can I help participants who are creating their own change plan in Influencer Training create an actual results statement? What if participants don’t like the term "violence" being used in the training?

Research from our latest study on talking politics was recently published as a USA TODAY Snapshot. With nearly every discussion centered on the election this week, take a look to see who we avoid talking politics with the most. For more tips on talking politics effectively with your friends and families, read this Crucial Applications article. Related posts: Crucial Applications: How to Talk Politics with Friends—and Still Have Some Left Crucial Applications: How to Talk Sports and Keep Your Friends When Your Employees Won’t Talk to You

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Andrew Maxfield is director of the Influencer Institute. If you’ve been connected to VitalSmarts for even a few minutes, you know the company often makes some audacious claims, not the least of which is that you and I, just ordinary people, can develop the capacity to "change anything." Wait a minute—anything? Sure, we might be able to design a strategy to quit smoking or perhaps maintain a new exercise routine. And maybe we can even ensure the success of an important initiative at work by flexing our Influencer muscles. But what about bigger, stickier social issues, problems, and opportunities? The newly organized Influencer Institute, a private operating foundation funded primarily by a percentage of VitalSmarts profits, is an emerging answer to the question of how we’ll leave the world a little better than we found it. It’s our attempt to put our money where our mouths are. And here is a snapshot of some of the initiatives we’ve been working on this past year. Helping Families Escape Dire PovertyPoverty flows from myriad causes, particularly poverty that reaches through many generations within families, communities, and nations. And while it’s trite and inadequate to say "poor people have poor ways," it is true that in many cases, individuals remain in poverty for reasons attributable to behavior as much as to genes or circumstance. In partnership with Fundacíon Paraguaya, Influencer Institute co-designed a program that helped participating families enact vital behaviors related to growing their monthly incomes and increasing their savings. Fundacíon Paraguaya estimates that 6,200 families have lifted themselves above the poverty threshold through these efforts. Meanwhile, the Institute has partnered with Cause For Hope, another fine Latin American development organization, to pilot a new form of poverty alleviation intervention based on Influencer principles. We’re in the thick of the experiments now: creating strong peer mentoring entrepreneurship groups, teaching the basics of self-directed behavior change, and designing lean, scalable support systems. Early results are promising, and we anticipate that many individuals and families will be enabled to lift themselves from longstanding poverty. Improving Educational Outcomes for At-Risk YouthInfluencer Institute has also partnered with KIPP (Knowledge is Power Program), a leading USA-based public charter school system that has shown tremendous results in helping inner-city, at-risk youth prepare for, enter, and graduate from college. We’ve been working with KIPP to reduce turnover among their key administrators, a factor that impacts the day-to-day educational experience of their students. Early indicators are good, and we look forward to helping KIPP help tens of thousands of our nation’s youth. A Call to Action for Certified TrainersHow would you like to make a difference in your own community by training the leaders or members of a worthy nonprofit organization? You choose an organization that aligns with your values and serves people you care about. You donate your training time and we donate up to twenty-five toolkits through the "Not For Profit Training Grants Program." (See the one-page application on the Trainer Zone website for details.) Certified Trainers from around the globe have reported personal, moving experiences related to giving freely of their time and talents. How might you make a difference in your own context? I invite you to stay tuned to Influencer Institute updates, and to join us in the great adventure of transferring the VitalSmarts tools and ideas from the training room to the trenches, and helping to change our communities for good. Related posts: Case Study: Influencer Training Drives Rapid Adoption of Improvement Tool at Xerox Introducing Change Anything Training Case Study: Influencer Training Helps Tennessee Health System Achieve 100% EHR Adoption

While the notion of "corporate social responsibility," may have once been regarded as a corporate philanthropy, it has quickly become a crucial part of any large company's long-term strategy - not just in marketing, but in recruiting, too: As consumers are ever more concerned with where products come from, employees [...]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, Morale in our organization is low due to financial strain. Our leaders are under a lot of pressure, which negatively affects their communication to their employees. Their harsh tone and negativity are not intentional and most employees know it’s not personal, but after a while, it gets really frustrating. Everyone knows we are struggling, so why not face it with a positive attitude instead of one of intensity or doom? Perhaps I am being overly critical, but I feel like this would lead us to a better outcome. Feedback here is often quickly dismissed, so how can I approach leadership about this so that they’ll listen? Signed,Gloomy  Dear Gloomy, I have one idea that I hope is useful to you. Your statement that, "feedback here is often quickly dismissed" really struck me. I think that’s true in lots of organizations, and not because leaders are simply uncaring or insecure. It’s frequently because the feedback isn’t given in a way that connects. Most feedback is given in the form of "verbal persuasion." In other words, we use abstract generalizations, logic, or data to try to impress others with our points. For example, you offer feedback like, "You know, I think it would really lift our spirits if leaders delivered positive messages now and again. We know times are tough, but it hurts morale when leaders remind us of it so often." This is stated as a truism. It’s hard to argue against, but it’s not particularly persuasive. Imagine a teammate telling you, "We need to take better care of our customers." Even if you didn’t become defensive, you might not be influenced by the statement. Why? Because it affects neither your motivation nor your ability—the two things that predict how we behave. By contrast, imagine you share the following with your senior managers. First, you start by making it safe to ensure your intent is clear before you get to the content of your message: "I worry about the heavy emotional load you and the other senior managers carry. We’ve been going through tough times for a while, and I know that must wear on you. I want you to know that we are pulling for you and want to do all we can to contribute." Now, here’s the critical part: "And there is something you and the other senior managers can do to help us stay focused and engaged. You have such an enormous influence on morale here that I’m guessing you aren’t aware of how small things you do affect mood and focus. For example, last week my team received a total of five e-mails from upper management—a typical week. Each reported either a lost client, disappointing industry outlooks, or a budget shortfall. I noticed with each one, a feeling of gloom deepened over our department. After the e-mail about budget shortfalls, our team meeting got derailed for thirty minutes with discussion about how we’re in a death spiral—we can’t spend money, which means we can’t sell as well, which means we lose revenues so we can’t spend money, which means we can’t sell as well, etc." What’s the difference in this approach? It uses a story. Stories create a vicarious experience for the listener. Rather than relying on abstract ideas or verbal arguments, they take the listener into your team to help him or her feel the human consequences you are trying to describe. If you pick the right story, and tell it in the right way, you can profoundly affect others’ motivation to change. But stories can do more. They can also influence ability. For example, you could end with: "Please know I am not saying you should protect us from the truth. But let me tell you, a month ago when you sent a note asking us to reduce travel, that note felt entirely different. Why? Because your note began with a positive comment that boosted our spirits and gave us hope. You said, ‘You have made enormous progress toward reducing our operating costs. You have pulled off a miracle by dropping our operating budget by 12 percent in the past year. Most changes are the result of creativity and teamwork. I am proud of you.’ I can tell you that this little acknowledgement felt like water on parched ground. I saw three copies of the e-mail with that phrase highlighted in various cubicles over the next few days." Now, what happened in this part of the story? You provided specific guidance—a suggestion. You made it clear how your leaders could lift morale, not just that it needed to be done. And you did it in an affirming way by pointing out something your leader did right—a good way of disabusing your listener of his or her concern that you might just want to gripe or insult. Of course, there is no guarantee that even a well-told story will change leaders’ behavior. But the odds are much higher if you communicate in this way rather than using logic, data, and abstractions. You’re absolutely right to draw your leaders’ attention to this concern. While times are tough in many organizations, the job of leaders is to build people’s motivation and ability to pursue solutions. If you communicate with stories, you can set a good example by building their motivation and ability to be better leaders! Best wishes,Joseph Related posts: How to Really Master Your Story Does the path to action still include telling a story? Motivating Others to Take Action

You might think working well into your eighth decade is preposterous. But it is becoming relatively commonplace. The number of working people age 65 and older reached an all-time low in 2001, when just 13% held jobs. Now that rate is rebounding, and the number of workers older than 65 [...]

For proof that recruiting has entered a new era, one need look no further than an exceptionally novel internship application submitted this summer by Shawn McTigue. This playful 2:50 video by Shawn was a response to Mastercard's call for applicants to creatively promote the benefits of a "cashless society." It [...]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, We had to terminate a coworker who was very popular among the staff and the termination has resulted in fear and poor morale. In fact, many employees have left due to the poor morale. Human resources stated that we cannot extrapolate on the termination, nor can we have a meeting to discuss it further. How can I have a crucial conversation with staff that can alleviate their fears and maintain confidentiality? Signed, Jittery Survivors Dear Jittery, We’ve struggled with this at VitalSmarts over the years as well. We work hard to have a culture based on dialogue, and we also understand that there are few more powerful teaching moments than when an employee is dismissed. All eyes and ears are perked and people wonder, "How can I make sure that never happens to me?" We’ve had a couple of instances where individuals have grossly violated our values and they’ve been terminated immediately. In these cases, we wanted to be able to openly discuss what had happened and help the rest of the team understand more clearly our values through the process. In the end, however, we’ve decided that if information of a highly personal nature was not already public, we would not make it public. Even in cases where someone behaved egregiously, we did not want to shame them publicly by sharing intimate details with those who weren’t already privy to them. We’ve found that we don’t have to discuss specifics of individual cases in order to achieve these three goals—reassuring the team, teaching our values, and honoring privacy. We can honor all three by using the moment to teach how we address accountability concerns. For example, when someone is dismissed for performance problems, we can gather the team and remind them how we deal with all performance issues. For example, we reassure them that: If you are dismissed for performance problems, it should never be a surprise. There is an extended process of coaching wherein you will receive candid feedback from your team when you aren’t measuring up to their needs. If coaching isn’t working, you are placed on a remedial action plan (RAP). You will always know when you are on a RAP because a) you will be notified in writing; and b) you will no longer receive team bonus payouts. This is usually met by a collective sigh of relief. Most everyone now knows, "Oh, I am not at risk because I am not on a RAP and am not being coached by my team toward specific gaps." Or if they are in this process, they are reminded about the importance of taking advantage of it. In cases where the problem is not performance, but violation of VitalSmarts values, we re-teach the values. We explain to the team that there are very few reasons anyone would be summarily dismissed and outline those reasons—verbal or physical harassment of a colleague, theft of company resources, etc. You need have no doubt about your job security here if you are steering clear of these obviously inappropriate actions. We are careful not to make it appear as though we are sending coded messages about the individual who was recently fired. Simply sharing this information is reassuring enough—provided we are living by what we share with integrity. Best wishes in your crucial conversation with your team. Joseph Related posts: Working with a Difficult Employee Letting a Valued Employee Go Recovering From an Outburst

The average worker today stays at each of his or her jobs for 4.4 years, according to the most recent available data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, but the expected tenure of the workforce's youngest employees is about half that. Ninety-one percent of Millennials (born between 1977-1997) expect to stay [...]

Watch Joseph Grenny’s twenty-minute BIG Idea Session from REACH where he discusses two important questions that have been on his mind the past year: What enables some people to change while most of us just stay stuck? Why is it so difficult to Master My Story? Joseph discusses how shame gets in the way of our ability to change our own behavior and remove the self-inflicted pain in our lives. Too often we believe our inability to change is due to a lack of nobility when the real problem is our lack of skill. In his speech, Joseph shares the moving example of helping a woman and her daughter lift themselves out of poverty by changing their behavior. And when it comes to mastering our stories, Joseph has found that clever stories are so compelling because they come with two embedded lies: 1) I am true; and 2) I am permanent. Until we acknowledge that we believe our story to be true and that it feels permanent, we’ll be powerless to escape our strong emotions about the other person. Visit the VitalSmarts Video Channel and select Joseph’s What Have You Learned Since We Last Met BIG Idea Session to learn how the answers to Joseph’s two important questions can help you increase your ability to change. Related posts: REACH 2012: One of the Best Professional Development Conferences Joseph Grenny Introduces Crucial Conversations Second Edition Joseph Grenny on ABC News: Asking for Vacation Time

I had the pleasure of attending the first video pilot interview of LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner by Adam Bryant, New York Times Senior Editor for Features.  As a user of LinkedIn and loyal reader of Adam’s Corner Office columns I had high expectations for the live interview. I walked away feeling [...]

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Kerry Patterson This year my thoughts and thanks turn to Mr. Howard, my junior high school principal who, one semester in the eighth grade, taught our English class (filled to the rafters with hooligans and juvenile delinquents) the ins and outs of Shakespeare. He so loved the topic and shared it with such extraordinary passion that I saw for the first time what it’s like when learning isn’t a means to an end, but a delightful journey. Mr. Howard would pause and reread an expression as if sampling again from a fine recipe—reveling in the twist of a phrase, marveling at the wonder behind an idea, and embracing the written word as if it were a long-lost friend. The very next year Mr. Marcarian, our science teacher, encouraged us to work hard and fast in exploring science subjects so that we could end early and then be rewarded with the most magnificent of gifts. He would read aloud to us from Edgar Allan Poe where we discovered pits containing precarious pendulums, and floors hiding tattling hearts, but most of all we saw that learning itself was its own reward. I thank all of those who entered my life at key times and through their example taught me that you never become truly learned, but if you’re lucky you acquire a passion for learning. And today, I thank my partners who continually inspire me with new thoughts, new readings, new studies, new hypotheses, and most of all, with the undying belief that the cure to all that ails us lies in the next idea.   ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Al Switzler It’s a wonderful opportunity to be asked to consider what I’m thankful for. As I sit contemplating and typing, I look out the window at Mount Timpanogos (also called Timp) which overshadows our corporate headquarters. It is a spectacular mountain, with a peak that rises to 11,749 feet, more than 7,000 feet above the valley floor. I have viewed this mountain frequently, so much so that it caused me to wax semi-poetic some few years ago. In this poem is a theme of gratitude. See This Mountain Rising See this mountain rising For eons it has risen Once fish swam in its shallows And crabs as bright as cinnamon Clicked across its sands See this mountain risen Its summit still ascending With mass and might, it’s looming More present than the fullest moon It too moves the tides With its pushing and its pulling The peaks control the seasons Winter’s bone-white freezing Spring’s new green and growing Summer’s snowmelt seeping Autumn’s gold and glowing Spilling to the valley floor And this mountain moves these tides No more than it moves me In the power of its presence Like the highest hawk I soar Circling and ascending I see and see again Then carefully unfolding, my heart opens And I sing In this ebbing and this flowing In this soaring and ascending I see creation’s making I feel the maker’s markings Cleansed by this mountain’s breathings I shed my wounds and worries And I am filled to overflowing with Gratitude and awe In that same spirit, I am so grateful to be engaged in a work that makes a positive difference in people’s lives. I’m thankful to be working with colleagues here and all over the world whom I love—colleagues who have hearts as big as Mt. Timp. I am full to overflowing for people who reach out to make the world a better and safer place. And to my wife and family, who make my world a place of love and meaning. For all of these, much gratitude.   ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from David Maxfield I have so much to be thankful for, much of it very personal: my wife, Kathy, my mom, my sisters and brother, and my wonderful in-laws—especially my mother-in-law, Maureen. But this note should relate to our purpose here—working with individuals and organizations to create change for good. So, I’ll focus on three groups I’d like to thank. First, thanks to all of you who speak up when you see problems, instead of saying "It’s not my job," or "What can I do?" Thanks for speaking up frankly and honestly and with respect when others are sitting on their hands or holding their breath. When you speak up, you make it safe for others to speak up as well. Second, thanks to those of you who use our skills—Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, Influencer, or Change Anything—to create change for good. We are just a small company in the intermountain west, but thanks to you, we feel we are making a difference across the world. We witness you saving lives by improving workplace safety and patient safety; changing lives through effective teaching, case management, and healthcare; and improving lives by making your organizations more effective and humane. Thanks! Finally, I want to thank all of you who help me stay on track. Your candid feedback, accountability discussions, and crucial conversations are often inconvenient, distracting, and a pain in the neck—but they are also absolutely essential. I appreciate them all—sooner or later. Thanks y’all!   ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Joseph Grenny My heart is very full as I look back on 2012. I’m overwhelmingly grateful for intimacy, inspiration, meaning, and community. I’m grateful for the profound intimacy we share at VitalSmarts. I experienced it this year as we rallied around a young colleague who was struck with a chronic disease. His willingness to include us in his experience has deepened our relationships with each other. I experienced it when another colleague who struggled with infertility for many years finally gave birth in a miraculous way that drew us all together. I have felt waves of joy so many times as I think about the shared journey many of us have had with her. I’m thankful for the inspiration that comes when we dedicate ourselves to worthy purposes and embrace important human problems. This past year, my colleagues and I have worked on an experiment in applying Change Anything and Influencer principles to help some in desperate poverty profoundly change their economic prospects. I sat in the shell of a building with Raul who was destitute and surviving by selling cast-off items in Oaxaca, Mexico. Last week, I wept when I learned he has purchased an oven and begun a bakery business as a result of the work we are doing. As we’ve put our minds to this important effort, we’ve felt inspired with ideas beyond our abilities. I humbly acknowledge the Source of that inspiration. I’m grateful for meaningful work. As I write this, I’m in the U.K. where I heard a half dozen talented leaders describe how they’re using Influencer to improve their workplaces, save lives, be better stewards with tax dollars, and much more. Being a part of a work that literally touches every part of the globe fills me with a sense of purpose that makes me feel overwhelmingly blessed. And finally, I’m grateful for each of you reading this. You are part of the community that I cherish. I feel so uplifted when I meet so many of you in my travels around the world. Please know that the brevity of our occasional contact is accompanied by an enduring sense of love and appreciation for you and the good you do in the world.   ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. READ MORE Thankful Thoughts from Ron McMillan At this season of giving thanks, I am indeed frustrated by our newsletter editors limiting me to three hundred words. Three hundred words! I need at least three hundred pages to fully express my thanks. But they’re the bosses, so whadaya gointado? I’m thankful for life and the marvelous experience of loving and learning and feeling sad and glad. I’m thankful for my family: my wife’s unconditional love, my children’s magically unique lives and contributions, my grandchildren’s wet kisses and simple needs. I’m thankful that I live in this country where we’re free to become who we choose and vote to choose our leaders, free to argue, disagree, share, learn together, listen, not listen, create, dance, sing, make mistakes, forgive, and be forgiven. I’m thankful for the love of God. I’m thankful that I can make a living by loving and giving to others: I get to study and write, and teach and watch, and listen and learn, and travel and serve, and edify and be edified. And oh the amazing people I’ve met! I’m thankful for our readers and clients and their eagerness to improve and make things better. I’m thankful for the VitalSmarts community who studies the sciences of human behavior and joins with us to train others and in doing so blesses so many lives. I’m thankful for our partners around the world who have translated our work into their languages and cultures and taught thousands upon thousands, making the world smaller and better. I’m forever thankful for the VitalSmarts Team. They are a unique collection of genius and talent, and love and commitment, and humor and integrity. I’m inspired by their excellent work and humbled by their goodness. I’m thankful, so very thankful. Post a comment below to share with us what you’re thankful for this holiday season.

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