ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I recently joined a new company that I love. The technology and services I will be working with are cutting-edge and I’m excited to be part of this thriving organization. The only downside, if you can even call it that, is that the majority of my colleagues, and even my supervisor, are significantly younger than me. While I’ve known this from the beginning of the hiring process and it’s something I willingly stepped into, I’m simply wondering if you can share tips for navigating an environment where I’m now the "old guy" and the pace and attitude of my colleagues is somewhat different than I’m used to. Sincerely, Old Guy Dear Old Guy, Hmmm…pace and attitude. That’s worth giving some thought to. I was about to offer some nifty Crucial Conversations advice about "negotiating stories" and "setting expectations"—and I’ll offer that in a moment. But as I re-read your question, the words "pace and attitude" jumped out at me. So my first advice is to do a gut check and set some boundaries for yourself. Here’s why. I worked with an executive team once that was riddled with resentment and mistrust. As we unraveled the pain I discovered that a couple of the executives joined the team after their company had been acquired by the current firm. These guys were brilliant, but had run a "lifestyle" business; one in which they worked a bit, earned a lot of money, developed great products, but had lots of time to windsurf in the early evenings and weekends. They also happened to be a smidge older than their new colleagues. The acquiring firm was chock full of young guns with boundless energy who were used to the pace of a startup tech company. These folks slept in their offices and ate pizza for breakfast. It wasn’t long before the lifestyle guys resented the young guns and vice versa. One side saw the other as soulless, while the other saw the former as lazy. As we sifted through the crucial conversations and unraveled the stories they had concocted about each other, the lifestyle guys did a gut check. They asked, "What do I really want?" They realized they did not want to spend the next three years living on energy drinks and Cliff Bars. As they clarified their boundaries and presented them to the rest of the team, they realized they were at an impasse. They were unable to develop a creative solution that wasn’t an unacceptable compromise. So, the two walked away; somewhat amicably. This sobering experience urges me to encourage you to do the gut check now rather than later. Be sure you know if your different "pace and attitude" could run afoul of work norms (hours, pace, quality, ethics) in the new firm. Determine what your boundaries are, what you really want, where you are willing to compromise, and where you aren’t. Then you’re ready for the crucial conversations. These conversations will help you 1. Set expectations and 2. Negotiate stories. First, be sure to talk openly with your new colleagues about "pace and attitude" expectations. For example, what kinds of hours constitute "full engagement?" How will you assess one another’s contribution? How do people connect with each other socially? Etc. You’ll do a better job generating a set of questions than I can by simply noticing what’s strange to you in the new place and exploring whether these are norms or just coincidences. Second, negotiate stories. This means that you must surface any ways you will diverge from norms clearly up front and let people know why you are behaving the way you are. That will help them draw proper conclusions. For example, my "lifestyle" friends could have saved a lot of heartache for themselves and others had they held a crucial conversation shortly after joining. They could have said, "I really respect the pace and attitude you all have about working long hours. At this stage of my life I am not willing to do that. And yet, I think I can make a contribution if you can accommodate my 40-hour weeks. Please understand, this is a life choice, not laziness. And then let’s talk in three months to see if it feels fair and workable to all." My guess is, if this had been done well, others would not have seen them as slackers, but as choosers. It may still not have been a "fit"—but they would have discovered that, without so much conflict. I wish you the best in the new venture. Warmly, Joseph Related posts: Working With a Negative Boss Working Behind the Scenes Working with a Difficult Employee

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I try to use crucial skills in my workplace but have struggled to sound genuine and have even turned people off with my approach. I’m no actor and I sometimes have to take a moment to recall some techniques. However, I’m worried that I might still be coming off as too calculated because of some of the formulas I generally follow. For example, during a content or pattern conversation I use a contrasting statement, then describe what I noticed versus what was expected, and finally end with a question as to why that was the case or what info I am missing. Judging by the other person’s silence, I get the feeling they feel put off by what probably seems like an insensitive show, but I don’t know how to make it any more natural. I’m being as candid as possible while trying to avoid all of my own messy emotional reactions. Have you encountered similar resistance to your techniques before? Yours Truly, Awkward Actor  Dear Awkward, Thanks for your question. New skills often feel awkward at first, and the last thing you need is awkwardness when you’re trying to be your very best. I do have a few tips that might help. Sense and respond. First, walk away from the formula. Instead of using the skills as a series of sequential steps, use the process as a map. Listen to the other person, ask yourself where you are on the map, and then respond. This sense-and-respond process will feel more natural for you and for the other person because it puts a greater emphasis on listening. It makes you more responsive to what others say, and it makes your responses more brief. Here’s an example. Suppose you begin with Describe the Gap. State the facts about what you expected and what you observed, and then pause to listen. As you are listening, ask yourself where you are on the map: "Do they understand and agree with what I expected?" "Do they agree with what I observed?" "Are they telling themselves a different story about the gap?" and "Are they feeling unsafe?" Depending on what you hear, you will respond with another skill. For example, if they don’t agree with the expectation, you will review the facts. If they are telling themselves a different story about the gap, you will use CPR. If they appear to be feeling unsafe, you will use a contrasting statement or another skill to restore safety. Get your heart right. We used to try to teach fairly sophisticated acting skills, such as how to look concerned, how to appear nonthreatening, and the like. In fact, one of my side jobs in graduate school was with a legal firm, teaching witnesses how to appear less shifty-eyed under cross-examination. But that’s a whole different life. What we learned is that if we get our heart right, all the subtle nonverbal cues we send out become consistent with our message, and we become natural. However, if we don’t get our heart right, then few of us are good enough actors to appear to be anything but awkward, unnatural, and insincere. So we no longer try to turn ourselves into actors. Instead, we change our hearts. I’ll remind you of a couple of mental skills for getting your heart right. First, use the Start With Heart skills. Ask yourself what you really want long term—for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. Let that long-term goal be your North Star. It should guide your conversation and keep you on track. Second, use the Master My Story skills. Remember, when we feel frustrated or angry, it’s because we’ve drawn an ugly conclusion about the other person. We are telling ourselves an ugly story. Change your emotions by interrogating your story. Here are three questions I use to interrogate ugly stories: a) "Do I really have all the facts I need to be certain my story is accurate?" b) "Is there any other more positive story that would fit this same set of facts?" and c) "Why might a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?" Asking myself these questions changes my emotions by opening my mind to new and different stories. Don’t worry too much. Once you have your heart right, don’t worry too much about the rest. People focus on your heart, not your head; they focus on your motivations and intentions, not your facts, logic, and argument. Others may see that you are frustrated or angry with them, but they will also see you are trying to control your anger, and that you respect and care about them. And that’s a good message to send. Stop sooner and more often to listen. At VitalSmarts, we’ve spent a lot of time studying opinion leaders—people who are especially respected by their peers. However, there is another line of research—people who study "low self-monitors." Here are two hallmarks of being a low self-monitor: a) If you think of a conversation as taking turns, low self-monitors don’t give you your turn. They monopolize conversations. b) Once you do get a chance to speak, low self-monitors don’t sense and respond. They don’t change course based on what you’ve said. For example, if you say, "I’ve already heard that joke," prepare yourself, because you are about to hear it again. What we’ve learned is that we are all likely to make these two errors when we’re in a crucial conversation. We want to be at our best, but we act like a low self-monitor. Can you see why? We tend to focus on ourselves and on what we’re trying to say, and we stop focusing on the other person. The trick to avoiding this trap is to stop and get the other person to respond sooner and more often. Practice and make the skills your own. My final tip is to find your own words and phrases. Integrate the skills into your everyday conversational style. Set aside some places and times when you will look for chances to use a skill here and a tool there—not the whole process but pieces of the process. Practice the pieces and make them your own. You’ll find the process becomes a part of yourself. Best Wishes, David Related posts: Recovering from a Crucial Conversation Owning Up To a Crucial Conversation Facing a Crucial Conversation?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes The following article was first published on December 15, 2010. Thirty years ago, after landing my first consulting job, I could hardly wait to get started. For years, I had studied how to change the world and now it was my turn to roll up my sleeves and actually do something. The goal of this particular project was to take an adversarial, punitive, and authoritarian corporate culture and turn it into a productive, team-oriented place. At least, that’s what the plant manager requested. "And I want it soon!" the agitated manager told me over the phone. "Or heads are going to roll." As I drove to the airport on my way to the anxious manager’s factory, I couldn’t help but notice a bumper sticker sported by several of my neighbors. The popular sticker stated rather immodestly, "Irvine: Another Day in Paradise." Several hours later, as I exited the Wayne County Airport on my way to visit the client, I noticed Detroit’s version of the home-town promotional slogan on a sweatshirt: "Detroit: Where the Weak Are Killed . . . and Eaten." Later that day, as I interviewed hourly employees, I got my first glimpse into the rather un-paradise-like nature of the company I was supposed to help fashion into a paragon of cooperation. When I asked the question "If you ran this place, what changes would you make?" the employees immediately started ridiculing their leaders. At one point, they told of a supervisor throwing a heavy ashtray through a plate-glass window and then chopping up a breaker box with a fire ax—you know, to get his team’s attention. Later, during that same interview, a rather animated employee explained that the ashtray-hurling supervisor’s direct reports eventually grew tired of his shenanigans and one Friday afternoon chased him out to his car. When he climbed on top of it for safety, they lit the car on fire! Then things turned from scary to complicated. As I interviewed a group of supervisors from whence this ashtray thrower came, they (much to my surprise) seemed reasonable and rational—nothing like the slavering maniacs their direct reports had just described. In fact, they appeared rather pleasant. The supervisors did share one thing in common with their direct reports. They had a bone to pick with their own bosses, the superintendents who, in their words, were authoritarian monsters. Of course, when I met the superintendents, they seemed quite professional, and—you guessed it—they pretty much loathed their bosses, the managers. As it turns out, everyone at this rather frightening factory blamed everyone else for their problems and everyone—based upon the unprofessional actions of their bosses—felt justified in their own counterproductive behaviors. Why? Because everyone deserved whatever you gave them. And this wasn’t a problem unique to this particular factory, city, or region. As my career has unfolded, I’ve run into similarly violent and reactive places all around the country. Not everyone lights cars on fire, of course, but the idea of dealing back what you’ve been dealt is still widely shared. It seems one of the values reflected in today’s video games, TV shows, and movies has left its mark. All encourage revenge. For instance, the longest running TV show of my generation, started with the "bad guy" riding into town, getting off his horse, spitting on a nun, and pistol-whipping a schoolmarm. Then, for a full 55 minutes, the good guys sought revenge on that pistol-toting bad guy, who, as we all knew, deserved whatever he got. And to this day, this same troublesome theme continues on the screen. I recently mentioned our seemingly insatiable thirst for revenge to my next-door neighbor and he chuckled softly and stated, "I have the same problem with my own children. They’ll be in the middle of a squabble, I’ll ask one of them what’s going on, and my oldest son will invariably come back with, ‘It all started when he hit me back!’" "It all started when he hit me back!" What a clever encapsulation of a contemporary malaise. As long as others mistreat us, we can mistreat them right back. Because, well, they deserve it. I’ve thought about this issue for quite some time, and as many of you know, it permeates our writing. For example, the principle of working on ourselves first from Crucial Conversations suggests we need to think less about exacting revenge on others and more about our own style under stress. Equally true, maybe we shouldn’t mirror the very behavior we loathe. Transforming others into villains and viewing ourselves as heroes also fuels the fires of getting even. In short, in both our training and books we teach that responding to violence with violence is a bad thing, and I believe we’ve made some progress. In fact, in that first factory where a supervisor wielded an ax, leaders learned to effectively handle high-stakes, emotional conversations, and over the next two years violence decreased significantly. Today, I hope to take this message to a new audience: children. Actually, I’m hoping you’ll pass the message along for me. I know, asking a favor deviates quite a bit from your standard business newsletter, and writing something for children—why that’s virtually unheard of. But it’s my hope that if we can set kids on the right path while they’re still young, they’ll be better prepared for the unrelenting stream of invitations to violence that will most assuredly assault them as they turn on their TVs, play their video games, go to movies, and eventually show up at work. So, with the children in mind, and in the spirit of the holiday season, I’ve written a rather Seussian children’s tale that I hope you’ll share with the young ones in your world. It’s not about mistletoe, snowmen, and the like, but apropos to the season of love and tranquility, it shares a message of peace—the kind of peace one creates through a healthy and loving response to how others treat us, even when they’re being naughty, not nice. For this holiday, I plan on reading it aloud to my grandchildren. You might consider doing the same. Download Story Here Related posts: Kerrying On: A Holiday Gift for the Children Kerrying On: A Christmas Gift Kerrying On: My Favorite Gift

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, At work, many times we have to say no to internal customer requests because they aren’t priorities or because we aren’t the people who can help them. The problem is that our staff has learned to say no too well and it’s becoming a negative experience for our internal customers. What ideas do you have for saying no without turning off our internal customers? Signed, Dr. No  Dear Dr. No, What auspicious timing. I’ve been thinking about this very topic because of a recent experience I had in the Philadelphia Airport. Having just finished working with a group of remarkable leaders from Southeast Asia, I was in a pretty perky mood when I approached the reservation agent to check in. I offered a cheery "Hello!" to the agent, who simply stared at me in response. At first I assumed she might be deep in thought on some other topic, so I said a bit louder, "Good afternoon!" She cocked her head to the side, closed and opened her eyes slowly, and said, "I heard you. What do you want?" Apparently her day wasn’t going as well as mine. I told her my destination, handed her my ID, and then asked, "Is my flight on time?" To which she answered… drum roll… "No." I thought I saw a slight smile creep up her face. Now, the information she provided me was highly accurate. So why did I feel less than grateful for her highly accurate information? It wasn’t the no that hurt, it was the story I told myself about the no. When you tell people no, there are two problems you can create; the first is disappointment. The second, disrespect. The first says, "The world isn’t going to work the way you hoped it would." The second says, "And I don’t really care!" While you may occasionally need to create the first problem, you need never create the second. In fact, the first one feels less vexing if delivered by someone who assiduously avoids the second. Here are some things to keep in mind when delivering a no. Find a way to say yes. Even if you can’t do everything the customers want, show you care by finding a way to mitigate the disappointment. For example, if you try to make a reservation at one of Danny Meyer’s highly popular New York restaurants, there’s a 90 percent chance the time and date you want won’t be available. Reservation agents, therefore, always come up with a yes they can add to their no. "I’m so sorry, Mr. Grenny, that time doesn’t work at the Union Square Café, but I can get you in at Gramercy Tavern. Or, perhaps I could move your time back two hours and then I can find you a table at Union Square…" When delivering bad news, show you care by proposing alternatives: different times, smaller requirements, other resources the customer can use, etc. Help, don’t scold. It sounds as though part of your problem is that people make requests of your team that don’t fit your scope or role. Of course, it would be highly inefficient and a misuse of your scarce resources to say yes when your duties are in another direction. In this case, you can still show you care by not just saying, "We don’t do that," but actually taking the customer’s hand to guide them to the place that does. For example, while on the same trip to Philadelphia I stayed at a wonderful Ritz Carlton hotel. In the morning, I donned my exercise clothes and rode the elevator to the lobby then looked around confusedly for the Fitness Center. A housekeeper noticed my lost look. Rather than simply saying, "It’s not here, doofus," she said, "Follow me." She walked me to the elevator, called for an elevator car, then pushed the appropriate button and wished me a good workout. Manage the story. An unexplained no feels much different from a no with a reason. For example, when the reservation agent said no, I realize now that I instinctively searched her face to see whether she cared. Perhaps the smile I thought I saw didn’t really happen. But you and I are hard wired to assess the motives of people we interact with. When we enter a room, a significant amount of cognitive processing power is spent scanning the room for social, emotional, or physical threats. Evolutionary biologists suggest that this automatic behavior is highly adaptive. When someone tells us no, our brains kick into assessment mode to determine whether this person is celebrating our disappointment (meaning they are a potential threat) or is sympathetic with it. All you need do to communicate the latter and avoid the former is offer a small explanation. There is a seven-second difference between "The movie is sold out" and "I’m sorry, we just sold the last ticket. A large group of senior citizens came in a bus to this showing." But the two feel much different. I’m impressed that you are aware of the need to offer a different kind of no. It speaks to your concern for your customers and desire to serve. Best Wishes, Joseph

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, Our twenty-year-old son has unfortunately been using prescription drugs for some time now. He came to me and my wife for help, and we immediately placed him in a well respected center for a twenty-one-day medical detoxification and rehab program. He went willingly and seemed to learn quite a bit about the entire rehab process, and what was required of him in the near future. Although he got clean, we suspect he is still not equipped with the skills to stay that way. We would like to apply the model in Change Anything to help him stay clean and live a happy, productive life. Here are our questions: Do we apply the model in a certain sequence or all at once? Are there sources of influence that need to come before or after another source? Should he help construct activities within each source or should we create them before we present anything to him? What are some known best practices when applying the model to this problem? Anxious to Start  Dear Anxious, As parents, family members, and friends, how we long to help those we love. I have found over the years that knowing how to help, and even defining what love means in these situations can be difficult. So I applaud you for your help and love to date, and for your questions about how to help and love in the future. Needless to say, situations like the one you are facing are complex and with the few details I have and more that I’ll assume, I may miss the mark on some parts, but I hope that as I address your questions a few principles or tactics will be useful. Before I get to some answers, I’ll provide context for readers who are not as familiar with the Change Anything approach as you are. When someone wants to change his or her behavior (and thus the results he or she is getting), often this person fails because he or she is blind and outnumbered. That means that there are more influences encouraging bad behavior than there are influences that encourage good behavior. The fact that you helped your son find professional help is noteworthy. And your suspicion that he is not well-equipped to deal with challenges now that he is home is spot on. Let me explain. Like everyone who goes to a program, he was a subject. At good programs, all Six Sources of Influence™ are applied to helping the clients do the effective behaviors. Again, for those unfamiliar with the Six Sources of Influence, a little side track here. At the rehab center: Source 1: Personal Motivation—Your son gets in touch with the reasons why doing drugs is dangerous and why being clean will bring happiness and success. Source 2: Personal Ability—Your son learns new skills like saying no, overcoming urges, and so on. Sources 3 and 4: Social Motivation and Ability—Your son is not surrounded by accomplices, partiers, or pushers, but by cheerleaders, caregivers, and coaches. Source 5: Structural Motivation—Your son gets rewards for small wins: gold stars and other incentives. Source 6: Structural Ability—The environment is controlled to make the good behaviors easy and the bad behaviors impossible. The big point I’d like to emphasize here is this: many programs are effective when the client is the subject. They influence the subject in powerful ways, but they don’t always equip the clients to be their own agents when they go home. Clients often remain blind to the skills and strategies that helped them succeed while in rehab. So when they get home, they can’t see the influences that will cause relapse. They haven’t been equipped to be their own scientist or agent. How do you help him see and use enough influence so that he can control his own behavior at home? So now to your questions: Do we apply the model in a certain sequence or all at once? Yes and no. The first step in the model is to diagnose. Why is your son behaving like he is? What caused his problem? What and who is helping or hindering? What are the times or conditions when your son is most tempted to take drugs? These are "crucial moments" and will help you identify and determine a plan to achieve the desired results. Focus on the vital behaviors and the sources of influence he needs to add and eliminate to make positive change much more probable. So, first diagnose his current behavior and that will lead to a specific, customized plan. Are there sources of influence that need to come before or after another source? Your son will need different sources of influence to change his behavior than someone else’s son or daughter would. Customization is important. What specific influences are helping, hurting, or missing altogether? Identify them first and then design strategies to turn those influences in his favor. By doing so, you’ll marshal enough influence that your son can change for good. Marshaling enough influence simultaneously—not sequentially—is key. Should he help construct activities within each source or should we create them before we present anything to him? Your son should lead this process, so he knows that he is the capable captain of his own ship, not just a passenger along for a ride on a larger vessel. You can be the guide on the side. There are two goals here. One is to create a plan so that he stays clean. The second is to have a process that motivates and enables him to be his own agent. What are some known best practices when applying the model to this problem? This question requires more space than I have. I will say that we tried very hard to identify best practices in Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success. The chapter entitled "Addiction: How to Take Back Your Life" is our best shot. I’ll end where I started. Bless your hearts for helping and loving your son to this point. I hope that the suggestions I’ve offered will assist you in aiding him to be his own agent and, on his own, do the behaviors that will help him live a happy and productive life. Best Wishes, Al Related posts: Overcoming a Lifelong Battle Against Addiction Change Anything: Overcoming Addiction Blind and Outnumbered by Life

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE It’s a new year and with it comes so many "news"—new opportunities, new resolutions, new beginnings, new goals, new mindsets (or would it be new minds set??). It’s a whole new year! Indeed, it seems like with every breath I draw in a huge mouthful of newness. It’s invigorating and energizing! It definitely erases the bitter taste of all those "should haves" I was chewing on at the end of 2013. Now don’t get me wrong. While I love new, it doesn’t mean I completely neglect anything that’s not new. There is, at this time of year, an opportunity to infuse our "currents," "on-goings," and "existings" with new effort and passion. Take training for example. How do you breathe new life into something you’ve done or seen a lot? In some cases, your dreams include VitalSmarts’ actors—presenting a whole new set of problems! How do you make it new for you, and especially how do you make it new for the participants? What are you going to do during the course of this new year? What will be new in your delivery, in your roll-out, or in the way you’re targeting the skills? Comment below to share your ideas. Related posts: From the Road: So Much Training From the Road: Again with the Questions From the Road: By the Numbers

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I have been through the Crucial Conversations Training and feel confident using the skills. However, sometimes an unexpected, angry attack or accusation surprises me. I feel emotional, get flustered, and do not handle things very well. After the situation is over, I can Master My Stories, but unfortunately the damage is done. What can I do to better deal with the situation in the moment when I can’t get my brain to work? Flustered  Dear Flustered, Congratulations on doing well with the use of your skills. You will get more and more fluent and confident as you use your crucial conversations skills regularly and consistently. You describe a very difficult situation where you do not have time to prepare in advance. These moments when we are blindsided or feel ambushed are among the toughest crucial conversations to conduct well. Let me suggest a strategy to help you do well in those emotional moments. When you find yourself in the middle of a crucial conversation and feel flustered and can’t get your mind working, call for a "strategic withdrawal." Now, going silent and refusing to talk with the other person may be hurtful to your purposes and the relationship, yet having some time to consider what to do and compose yourself would be very helpful. Picture a situation. John approaches you in the hall and says, "The VP announced today that your team is not going to give us any resources on the ABC account. Apparently your schedule is full. You are leaving us high and dry; meanwhile you end up looking pretty good!" Try saying something like: "John, you are raising an issue that is obviously important to you. It’s important to me as well. We need to discuss this further. Can you and I get together after our budget meeting this afternoon and talk about this more fully?" Notice what you have not done. You did not attack him and say all he cares about is himself. You did not blow him off by telling him you refuse to talk about this. You did not leave him hanging saying that you will have to talk this over sometime in the vague future. And you did not insult him by saying he should come back after he has gotten "control of his emotions." You were respectful and you acknowledged that his issue matters. You made it a Mutual Purpose by saying it matters to you as well. You then set a specific time when you would get together to give this issue the time it deserves. You have created a degree of safety with John and made a plan to do more. Meanwhile, this gives you some time to think things over. You can Master Your Story by asking yourself why a reasonable, rational, decent person would act that way. You have time to Start with Heart by asking yourself what you really want. You also have time to collect more information to better understand what’s going on with the VP. A "strategic withdrawal" is a respectful way to take the time you need to prepare for a crucial conversation. When you reconvene at the appointed time, begin by paraphrasing John’s attack. Focus on the main ideas he voiced without using "hot" words (emotionally laden or provocative terms). You might say: "John, you said the VP announced we would not be supporting you on the ABC account and you feel we are leaving you in a bad position. Did I get that right?" Now listen carefully. If needed, use your AMPP skills to get a better understanding and diffuse his strong emotion. You may want to use Contrasting to clarify a misunderstanding or use your STATE skills to add meaning to the Pool of Shared Meaning. There are a lot of possibilities depending on what you really want and what is needed. Having created a space for yourself to deal with your own strong emotions and plan the coming crucial conversation, you are in a better situation to deal with this emergent problem in a way that gets you better results and an improved relationship. All the best, Ron Related posts: How do I respond to participants’ concerns about participating in training? How do you respond to "That would never happen here"?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes It didn’t take long for a heated argument to break out. Dozens of us had just arrived in Yorktown, Virginia to undergo officer training for the Coast Guard—each of us armed with his own story of the ghastly treatment that was rumored to lay ahead. According to scuttlebutt, we were soon to be marched until we dropped, cursed at, threatened, and mentally taxed to the point where many of us would wash out. And now for the bad part. If we did wash out, we would be denied the chance to become an officer, forced to sign a four-year enlistment contract, paid one-third of what we’d expected, and sent to Vietnam to die. Or so went the stories. But then again, you couldn’t deny the pleasant experience we had just enjoyed. After we climbed out of cabs that transported us from the airport, we were politely ushered to the mess hall, where the officers on duty greeted us warmly and with dignity. One lieutenant invited a group of us to his dining table where he regaled us with inspiring Coast Guard stories. Why, the silly rumors were wrong. This was going to be fun! Training was going to be like scout camp, only with gunboats and howitzers. Or was it? We were actually given several clues as to what lie ahead. The beds we retired to that evening didn’t have a chocolate on the pillow. That couldn’t be good. A note on the table said we would be awakened at zero six hundred the next morning at which point we were to gather at the "grinder." True, the term "grinder" sounded suspicious, but perhaps it referred to a coffee house where we’d toss back espressos while singing "Yo-ho, yo-ho, a Coast Guard life for me!" One could only hope. The next morning, after awakening to a version of Reveille that could have easily drawn blood, we donned our civilian clothes for the last time and wandered out to the blacktop patch behind the barracks—the actual grinder—where we continued debating what was in store for us. And then we heard it. A curious noise in the distance that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. At first I thought it was a pack of wolves. Emanating from the darkness came a feral roar accompanied by the sound of feet beating on the blacktop. And then we saw them—those charming fellows who had greeted us the evening before—the kindly officers from dinner. Only this time, their faces were twisted into grotesque masks of hatred and instead of greeting us with a warm handshake, they charged at us at full speed while screaming orders that none of us could understand and all of us desperately wanted to obey. It wasn’t long until we were all doing pushups, running with rifles held above our heads, lying on our backs doing an impression of a dying cockroach, and otherwise being pushed to the edge of sanity. Finally, at our first break (standing in line to receive inoculations), Jim Propopolis, the officer candidate from New York City who stood behind me, uttered four memorable words. The evening before Jim had sided with the optimists in the debate by insisting that the training we were about to undergo was going to be pleasant, not dreadful. Now, appearing as defeated as is humanly possible, and with a Brooklyn accent you could cut with a knife, Jim exclaimed: "Da Jamboree is ova!" Indeed it was. And so was the debate. The scuttlebutt had been right. We were about to descend into the seventh circle of training hell. Now, I’ve told this story before—usually ending with a warning of how things are about to grow more difficult—you know, the jamboree or good-old days are behind us whereas the future is going to be more challenging. However, today I’d like to approach the incident from a different angle. I eventually graduated from Dante’s training school, served three years in the Coast Guard, exited into the civilian world, and never looked back. That is, until one day over forty years later, when the Commandant of the Coast Guard asked me to speak to the top 1,000 leaders at a conference. At the end of my speech, I was presented with a yearbook from the class of 1971—my OCS class. I opened it and there staring back at me was a photo of my platoon. The rather haunting picture had been taken during the heat of that dreadful first day. We looked horrible. As my eyes worked their way across the photo they eventually settled on the fellow in the bottom right-hand corner—Jim Propopolis. He looked worse than everyone else. He looked defeated. Four decades of consulting experience coupled with the entire cannon of organizational theory rushed through my head in a single flash of insight. With Jim’s image fresh in my mind, I wanted to go back to 1971 and attend OCS again; only this time, I wanted to get it right. The first time through officer training, my colleagues and I botched it. With the threat of being sent to the front hanging over us, we turned into a group of selfish louts. When someone struggled with, say, celestial navigation, nobody formed a study group or offered tutoring. When someone had trouble squaring away their quarters, nobody taught them best practices. When a candidate washed out and was spirited off in the middle of the night, no one spoke of the fallen comrade. We studied alone, suffered alone, and occasionally washed out alone. And when I say "we," I mean "I." I watched Jim Propopolis struggle and did nothing to help him. He was the only guy in our platoon who was willing to appear vulnerable and as you can probably tell from his "jamboree" remark, he had a much-needed sense of humor. He was also a bit of a train wreck. No matter how hard Jim tried to look spiffy, he always looked like a sack full of doorknobs that had been dragged through a swamp. I worried about Jim. I even encouraged him, but I never actually helped him. It just wasn’t done. And when Jim eventually was whisked off in the middle of the night, nobody ever spoke of him again. The same was true for my other four platoon mates who disappeared to points unknown. Nobody said a word. And so Mr. Propopolis, I apologize. You were right about the jamboree being over. We were about to face hard times and that should have been a call for us to pull together, not fall apart. I know I needed your help and I suspect you needed mine. But I didn’t know I could help. I didn’t know I should help. I was young and frightened. Imagine that. We were supposed to be learning how to be leaders who would eventually lead teams, and we couldn’t have acted more selfishly. Worse still, this gross misconduct wasn’t merely a military anomaly. A few years later, when I took MBA classes, students were purposely pitted against one another. Collaboration was actually punished. As a result, classroom combatants verbally accosted one another while secretly hoping for each other’s demise. A few years later, when I was hired to consult with executives who had come through one of those MBA programs, what did I find? Silos. Leaders frequently worked against one another, spoke of others as "them," and failed to support each other under times of stress. They were a mess. Fortunately, over the ensuing decades most of us have come to realize that interdependent specialists need to collaborate—meaning we need to act like healthy teammates not combatants. And some of us do. For instance, that MBA program that used to encourage unhealthy competition has actually changed. A recent graduate informed me that students now share their notes, create study groups, tutor one another, and feel and act as if their teammates’ problems are their own problems. This should be true of all workgroups. Everyone deserves to work with colleagues who have their back. And if that’s not your current reality, it should at least become your aspiration. Organizations should be havens, not gladiator arenas. We should learn together, grow together, and help one another. Challenges should unite us not yank us apart. And most of all, when the chips are down, we should be able to count on each other for help. Related posts: Kerrying On: The Power of a Story Kerrying On: The Buck Stops Here Tough Promotion Decisions

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, I am struggling with the culture in my current organization. The goals set by management are ambiguous and seemingly meaningless. Performance feedback and "constructive criticism" are at first rare, then harsh and punitive. Morale is horrible. I dread going to work every morning! Everyone does. What can my colleagues and I do to make a positive impact on the culture of our organization? Desperate for Change  Dear Desperate, If misery loves company, then take solace in knowing that there are a lot of people out there who suffer similar circumstances. Job satisfaction, pride, meaning, happiness (maybe even joy), are not terms that many people associate with their jobs. Depending on the survey you read, as many as two-thirds of employees polled across the country don’t like their work. I once interviewed a group of front-line supervisors who so hated their jobs that they looked into the mirror each morning and talked themselves into going to work that day. Not good. When it comes to how most of us feel about our jobs, we fall somewhere between "thrilled to go to work" and "bring me a mirror." The fact that you’ve spotted a problem with morale in your current job and that you’re anxious to do something to improve it is good news for the people around you. It is an important issue, it can be addressed, and it’s definitely worth the effort. So, let’s start with a couple of key ideas. First, it doesn’t take much to turn a career into a job and a job into a daily grind. Lots of elements have to be in place to create both a job and workplace that generates daily satisfaction. One element goes wrong, and a job, even an entire workplace, can go sour. Second, there are lots of positive emotions that could and should be associated with work. Most people shoot for being satisfied, and that’s nice, but many people actually take genuine pleasure from their work. For others there’s pride; for still others, meaningfulness. Many find deep and abiding relationships. Some describe their work place as happy and, as we’ll learn later from our friend Rich Sheridan, some even aspire to making the workplace joyful. Imagine that—"joy" and "work" being used in the same sentence. It’s important that we acknowledge the fact that a workplace can be a cornucopia of positive emotions. It gives us something to aspire to. Stress shouldn’t be the norm. Anger, depression, boredom, disgust, fear, and other negative emotions shouldn’t be shrugged off with, "Hey, it’s work. Nobody said it was supposed to be fun." Work is too time consuming and life absorbing not to provide us with lots of positive emotions. Anything less would be a tragedy. So, let’s look at some likely places to start exploring and intervening, if you want to create a productive and satisfying workplace. Candor. When we first started studying people at work, we quickly discovered that every workplace came with a potential malaise. Often, people don’t feel comfortable expressing their best ideas. They quickly learn that if they openly disagree with the current thesis (particularly if their opinion runs against the majority or a person in authority), they fall under attack. Sometimes it’s only an ugly stare, but it’s an attack nevertheless. So employees learn to shut up to keep the peace and then suffer the consequences of working in a place where poor ideas are routinely accepted. If people can’t voice their opinions, speak up to solve problems, and bring their best ideas into play, they’re not going to like their jobs. Accountability. If you want to be happy at work, don’t take a job at a place where accountability is spotty. You’ve seen it. Coworkers don’t stick to their promises and let you down, and then nothing happens. This can be very frustrating. You end up doing the work of two because others aren’t doing their fair share and are getting away with it. In a similar vein, allowing people to bully coworkers, disregard safety, deliver poor quality, and otherwise underperform can lead to enormous stress. And if the bosses finally get upset at the current level of performance and then go off on a tirade, you have a whole new set of problems. If your accountability system and the face-to-face skills that go with it are subpar, don’t expect job satisfaction. Influence. Today’s marketplace is so turbulent that organizations are constantly being forced to reinvent themselves. This means that if leaders aren’t adept at both motivating and enabling changes in routine behavior, they’re going to create two competing camps—one fighting for the new, the other clinging to the old. If you can’t create a vision of the kind of organization you want to become, along with a path to get there, expect conflict, disappointment, and angst. Now, I realize that I’ve just addressed three areas we write about. There’s a reason for this. We believe they form the very foundation of organizational success along with the attendant positive emotions. Nevertheless, there are other factors to consider as well—each with it’s own gurus and theories to back them up. Let me quickly share four. Flow. After years of analyzing what leads to a deep sense of satisfaction with completing one’s daily assignments, Mihály Csikszentmihályi explains that if a job isn’t intrinsically rewarding, under one’s own control, and completed within an environment free of constant interruptions—it won’t be satisfying. Look for each of these three components in every job. Happiness. When Daniel Gilbert released his book Stumbling on Happiness, he forced us to rethink our views on what will bring us satisfaction. What we imagine will bring us satisfaction is often wrong. Gilbert recommends that we look to what actually brings others satisfaction, not what one imagines will do so. At the corporate level, take care to study what the best companies have aspired to and carefully consider those goals. Meaning. In a recent article published by Stanford’s Graduate School of Business, Dr. Jennifer Aaker suggests that happiness isn’t the only emotion to consider when evaluating one’s life (or, for that matter, running a company). Many people may not be happy in the moment, but they’re having a meaningful experience and that’s a good thing. The opposite can also be true. You can get something you want—which will make you happy—but satisfying your current wants is not likely to feel meaningful. In a similar vein, solving problems or working through tough relationships may not make one happy, but it can be very meaningful. As you generate your aspirations, consider a range of positive outcomes. Satisfaction and happiness are worthy aspirations, but don’t forget to include meaning on your wish list. Joy. In his recent release of Joy, Inc., Rich Sheridan dares to take on the challenge of making the workplace not merely satisfying, but joyful. After years of working in settings that should have been satisfying, fulfilling, and even exhilarating but were actually stressful and depressing, Rich set out on a mission to find what it takes to create joy at work. It turns out, it requires a host of elements—many tied to the physical environment as well as how work is actually completed. If you want to see how one determined leader turned a stressful workplace into one that is both joyful and triumphant, check out Joy, Inc. So there you have it. It is a good idea to try to improve morale with all of its attendant emotions. Start with where people currently feel the most pain. Look under the hood and closely evaluate candor, accountability, and influence. Talk to your coworkers about the issue. Decide what you want to achieve and then measure those aspirations frequently and carefully. Dare you ask if people can’t wait to come to work each day? Would you ever poll employees by asking if they think about their job during their commute, or brag to their friends about the cool place they work? Set your goals high. Aspire to create a workplace where people routinely experience deep satisfaction, happiness, pride, meaning—and yes, even joy. Kerry Related posts: Creating a Culture of Accountability Kerrying On: Finding Joy at Work Bullying at Work

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Andrew Maxfield is director of the Influencer Institute, a private operating foundation that seeks to increase humanity’s capacity to change for good. It began innocently enough. My wife and I bought a fixer-upper—a cool, though neglected, ’60s suburban gem—and drew up plans with an architect for a "little remodeling project" that we would do, ourselves, to "save money." You can probably guess where this is going. And if you’ve been there, you also won’t know whether to laugh or cry. Several months later, I was staring at our back yard—from my vantage point on the front sidewalk, through the giant crater in the middle of our house. This was a view no one was ever supposed to see and that was now haunting me day and night. By that point, we had nearly leveled the house, ripping off the roof and even pouring new concrete footings and foundation walls. My headache-du-jour was the entryway that we were supposed to build in place of the crater. This entryway would be a prominent design feature on the never-ending construction project that was now infamous throughout the neighborhood. More importantly, it would be the barrier to prevent passersby from walking their dogs in my dining room. True story. But there was a problem: I had no idea what to do or even where to start. I felt hopeless. It wasn’t just the frustration of the moment; it was the accumulation of weeks and weeks of stress. Not only could I not make heads or tails of the architectural schematics, I didn’t have the carpentry know-how to cut, treat, and install the planks of tongue-and-groove cedar that were stacked in my driveway, mocking me. Fortunately, my father arrived on the scene before I could find a stick or two of dynamite. An experienced builder and cheerful worker, he helped me break the task of building the entryway into bite-sized pieces. First we overlaid measurements on the underlying structure to make sure our work was plumb and square; then he showed me how to make mitered joints and cuts using a variety of saws; then we started applying timber oil to the cedar. Of course, I was overthinking each step and agonizing over my mistakes. But the act of doing, the deliberate repetition of small steps, gradually built my confidence and competence. Before long, the entryway took shape—and our local dog-walkers had to choose new routes. So my father won on two accounts. First, he showed up, and it’s hard to overstate how much I appreciated that help. Second, he sensed that I was anxious about my lack of ability rather than simply unmotivated, and he provided help in the form of unhurried coaching and teaching. Rather than delivering a pep talk, he helped me learn how to do what needed to be done, which in turn freed me from my feelings of frustration and despair. How does this homebuilding homily relate to your work and mine? Consider it a warning about a kind of thinking that can sabotage our work: when we see someone who isn’t doing the right thing at the right time, it’s convenient—but often dead wrong—to make assumptions about that person’s lack of motivation. For instance, in Influencer Institute’s work to accelerate the successes of microenterprise organizations, we’ve learned that it’s folly to assume that poor people are simply lazy. Instead, we’ve learned that they very often lack skills related to personal management, which they can develop through coaching and practice. Your conclusions about yourself and others can be no better than your assumptions, so train yourself to look for hidden skill gaps that underlie what appear to be maligned motives. Reflecting on my ongoing renovation saga, what’s most interesting to me is that when it came time to build the rear entryway to my house (very similar to the front), I jumped right in and built it without hesitation, indigestion, or help. Moral of the story? Never trust the architect. Related posts: Influencer Institute: Introducing the Influencer Institute—And a Call to Action! Influencer Institute: Beating Poverty One Vital Behavior at a Time Influencer Institute: Finding Meaning in the Mundane

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, What do I say to a boss who consistently steals credit for my work on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis? If a question comes from a client and she doesn’t know the answer (which is often the case), she asks me to help her out. She then turns around and delivers my advice to the client as her own. She strenuously objects if I suggest that we call the client together—even more so if I contact the client—all in the name of "teamwork" of course. She also secures all of my suggestions for improvement of company processes and procedures and presents them to upper management as her own. I know all about "documenting" but I don’t feel like I should have to do that. A good boss would freely give credit where credit is due, as I myself have consistently done throughout my career. By the way, the "clients" are all internal. I have been with the company for over ten years and she has been with the company for less than a year. Feeling Violated  Dear Violated, I’m sorry, but I’m totally identifying with your boss on this one. While it’s my name on this column, our editors, Amanda and Brittney, contribute to it in many important ways. In fact, as I think about it, I wonder whether you work here at VitalSmarts. Are you a member of my research team, maybe Chase or Annie? I’m sure they share some of your feelings. Seriously though, your situation sounds very frustrating. I agree that credit should be shared. So, what can you do? I’ll ask you to forgive me in advance, because my suggestions may not sound like "fixes." I don’t think you should pick a fight with your manager. In my experience, you’d lose in the long-term—even if you seemed to win in the moment. Instead, my recommendations will focus on actions that are safe and within your control. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I will ask you to change—perhaps even more than your manager. Master Your Stories. The story you’ve shared is about your boss "stealing credit." You’ve provided several facts that support the story, and they seem convincing. However, I want you to begin by challenging your story. Here is why: You’ve described your manager as a villain, and yourself as a victim. Our villain and victim stories are often one-sided and biased in our favor. I want you to interrogate your story and look for the rest of it—find any missing facts that may fill in your manager’s perspective and make her more sympathetic. Here are the questions to ask yourself: "Why might a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what my manager is doing?" "What role have I played in encouraging my manager’s behavior?" "Is there any other, more charitable story that could fit this broader set of facts?" Mutual Respect. It’s clear that you don’t have a lot of respect for your manager right now. Why would you when you feel she’s violated your trust? However, you won’t be able to develop a positive relationship with her unless you can change the way you interpret your manager’s behavior toward you. Making this change depends on how you read her intent. Ask yourself: when she steals credit for your work, is it because she wants to undermine or destroy your career? Or is it because she is worried about her own position? Could it be it’s because she’s a new and unseasoned manager? If her motivation is based on self-protection or inexperience, rather than malevolence, then there is hope. We can all relate to behaving badly when we’re threatened or ignorant. We’ve been there and done that, and it doesn’t mean we are hopelessly bad people. Try to find a way to relate, empathize, or even sympathize with your manager’s motivations. At the same time, don’t be naÏve. If you conclude that your manager is out to get you, then take special care. Don’t leave yourself open to an attack. Mutual Purpose. You want your manager to treat you as an ally, as a member of her team. But she is acting as if you were a competitor, or as if she can’t trust you. You need to convince her that you’re not a threat to her career, her plans, or her broader purposes. In fact, you need to demonstrate that you’re in her corner, that you’ve got her back. Begin by asking yourself why she might view you as a competitor. For example, were you in competition for her job? Have you done or said things that could undermine her credibility with others? Does your disrespect for her show on your face? If these are issues, then work to change them. However, don’t try to change your words and actions without first changing your heart. Mouthing the words won’t work if disrespect is showing on your face. That’s why I began my suggestions with Master My Story and Mutual Respect. Next, determine what your career goals are—goals that don’t make you a competitor—and ask your manager for her help. Your manager wants you to be a team player, and that’s fine. But it’s also fine to have career goals, as long as they don’t conflict with hers or with being a team player. In fact, asking your manager for help gives her a positive, rather than a negative, way to demonstrate her power. I hope these ideas are helpful. Understand that I don’t know the facts of your specific situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Please don’t burn any bridges or take actions that could be career limiting based on my suggestions. Good Luck, David Related posts: Approaching a Hard-to-Please Boss Abusive Boss What Happened? A Boss On a Spending Spree

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I enjoy my work very much and am fortunate enough to work on a great team. However, my one big concern is that our team leader has been ineffective for years. I end up filling in the gaps he leaves unaddressed. While I have brought this to the attention of the next in-line supervisor, my annual performance rating is tied to the team’s performance. How can I distinguish myself as being effective when the team leader’s ineffective management causes the team to look less than successful? Thanks, Drag-of-a-Boss  Dear Drag, In the olden days when bosses walked the same floors as employees, visibility wasn’t an issue. If you put out better widgets than the guy or gal next to you, management would know it. If you punched in sooner or punched out later, you got credit for it. These days, much of the workforce works miles or even continents away from their leader. So, I’ve got to guess many of our readers share your concern. How can you ensure that the shadow of a weak leader or mediocre team doesn’t obscure your contributions or inhibit your prospects? Here are my thoughts on that question. 1. It will. You’re going to have to deal with it. The truth is, a weak team does tint the performance of a strong player. If this is compromising your personal goals, you must take responsibility to either influence change or make a change. If, however, you have other interests that offset this cost, you may choose to stay. For example, you may enjoy the work itself, your colleagues, or connections with customers. The key here is to own your choice. Weigh the tradeoffs then make a decision. Don’t, however, become a victim by choosing to stay then blaming your boss. 2. Influence up. Also, examine your own role in the problem. Have you been entirely candid with your boss? Have you found a way to be both 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful with him? If not, you’ve got work you can still do to influence upward. Many years ago, I had an employee named Lyle who asked to meet with me privately. He was pretty introverted so it was a surprise to get this request from him. When the door closed, he quickly came to the point. In short order he very caringly, respectfully, and factually laid out evidence that I was arrogant and rude. When he finished sharing his feedback, I felt incredibly disarmed. When I thought about what he had said, I felt I should be offended. And yet I wasn’t. Instead, I felt convicted. It was clear I had been difficult for him to work with. I apologized and worked hard to address my flaws in coming months. I’ll be forever grateful for Lyle. There’s often more we can do to influence upward if we hold ourselves accountable to do so. 3. Focus on being not seeming. I caution you also not to obsess over getting credit for all your good work. If you focus on managing appearances you will begin to value credit over contribution. I am a firm believer that the key to happiness in life is to focus on being not seeming. Contribute. Serve. Improve. Assist. Praise. Become the kind of person you want to be and trust that the most important rewards—the privilege of serving even more—will come. 4. Develop a reputation for being helpful. Finally, there is something you can do that naturally leads to recognition and advancement. Become the kind of person who goes the extra mile for others. Share information. Make others heroes. Sacrifice for goals outside of your own self-interest. My partner, David Maxfield, is the epitome of this concept. David is an incredibly busy man with many demands for his time and talents. And yet, if you ask him for information he will go above and beyond the request. If you ask him to be a listening ear he will drop what he’s doing and come to your aid. I venture to say that everyone who knows David would describe him this same way. And this reputation has served him well. He is highly regarded and his influence has grown enormously—in part because of this wonderful attribute. Should you choose to stay in your present team, you can widen your circle of influence by widening your circle of service. I hope these ideas help you sort through the complex life decision you’re making. Warmly, Joseph Want to hear more from author Joseph Grenny about leadership and influence? Check out his speech to the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit entitled Mastering the Skill of Influence. Related posts: Influencing Support for Workplace Safety Will the Leader Interfere? Crucial Conversations With a Disrespectful Leader

A new study from VitalSmarts and the ASTD Workforce Development Community shows that more than 1 in 3 people waste five or more hours each week (12 percent of their work week), due to chronic, unaddressed conflict between colleagues from different generations. The online survey of 1,350 subjects shows the two generations who have the most difficult time working together are Baby Boomers (49 - 67 years old) and Millennials (13 - 33 years old). When they do work together, the problems these two generations experience most often include: • Dismissal of past experience • Lack of discipline and focus • Lack of respect • Resistance to change or unwillingness to innovate But conflict is not isolated to just Baby Boomers and Millennials. In fact, the results indicate a surprising level of incompetence among all generations to quickly and effectively solve problems through accountability discussions and dialogue. Across all generations, 1 in 4 people admit to avoiding conflict with colleagues of a different age; or if they did speak up, they spoke in generalities and danced around the real issues. Other trends in communication breakdowns across generations include: • Younger generations hesitate to hold older generations accountable. • Millennials are the least confident in their ability to handle a difficult conversation. • Older generations—Baby Boomers and Veterans (68 years old or older)—admit to losing their temper more easily with more than 1 in 4 saying they became frustrated, upset, or angry during a difficult conversation. By learning a few skills to speak up to anyone—regardless of age or authority—people can candidly and respectfully resolve conflict and improve productivity in today’s multigenerational workplace. Here are four skills for getting started. 1. Make it safe. Begin by clarifying your respect as well as your intent to achieve a mutual goal. 2. Start with the facts. Describe your concerns facts first. Don’t lead with your judgments about their age or conclusions as to why they behaved the way they did. Start by describing in non-judgmental and objective terms the actual behaviors that create problems. 3. Don’t pile on. If your colleague becomes defensive, pause for a moment and check in. Reassure him or her of your positive intentions and allow him or her to express concerns. 4. Invite dialogue. After sharing your concerns, encourage your colleague to share his or her perspective. Inviting dialogue will result in greater openness. View the results of our study in the infographic below or click here to download a copy. Related posts: Crucial Applications: Able Arguers are Ten Times Happier than Silent Spouses Crucial Applications: Talking About Holiday Finances Crucial Applications: Antisocial Networks? How to Hold Effective Crucial Conversations on Social Media

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, How can I graciously decline giving a job recommendation for a former coworker of more than fifteen years ago? I did not supervise this person and have mixed feelings about his job performance. Because we had to work together, I strove to maintain a positive working relationship. I am not certain, but I think he left my current employer under pressure, although I do not believe he was actually fired. I also suspect that my current supervisor has a negative view of this individual. What should I say to my former colleague? Sincerely, Undecided  Dear Undecided, When I first read your question, I asked twenty friends and acquaintances what they would suggest. Though my sample is small, the strategies they suggested not only show several ways to approach your question, but highlight a need to share some advice about how we choose our responses to these kinds of challenges. The quandary you’ve shared is one a lot of people can identify with. Many of us face challenging situations where we have to determine the following: Is candor more important than courtesy? Do I care more about the truth or the friendship? Do I want to get along or get it right? Should I be honest and mean or dishonest and nice? So what were the suggested strategies, in order of frequency? Drum roll, please. Suggestion #1. Tell him yes and then don’t do it. I was surprised that this was the most frequent response. Why respond this way? Essentially, people said that they like being friendly and hate saying no. The easiest way to get out of this dilemma is to agree to the request and then not follow through. One fellow said that it would be easy to forget to do it. Some others said that these job recommendations don’t count for much anyway. Clearly, these people value getting along more than getting it right. Suggestion #2. Tell him yes and then write only what you can honestly say. The reasons driving this suggestion were essentially the same as in Suggestion #1. People still want to be helpful and yet they don’t see the value in a job recommendation. So they justify writing only the bare essentials like dates, job description, etc. What they are writing is a history, not a job recommendation. These people, too, value relationships more than truth. Suggestion #3. Just tell him no. Here the suggestions were accompanied by some editorials. Essentially, he is not a friend or close acquaintance. You merely worked together fifteen years ago. So, what’s the big deal in telling him no? In this choice, candor is valued more than courtesy. Suggestion #4. Be honest with him and tell him nicely that you don’t feel qualified to write a recommendation. This suggestion is the same as Suggestion #3 with added measure of courtesy and respect. The rationale here was logical. You worked together too long ago to write a valid recommendation or recall specific details. Not to mention there are legal requirements that make writing a recommendation seem risky. So tell your coworker from years past your reasons for not helping him out. Clearly, in this choice people value relationship and truth. Those who suggested the fourth option have not fallen into what we call the "Fool’s Choice." Instead of seeing the challenge as an "either/or" choice, they reframe the challenge with an "AND." Instead of thinking, "I can decline giving the job recommendation and lose a friend, or I can give the job recommendation and not be honest with my employer," they think, "How can I decline writing the job recommendation and keep a friend? How can I give the recommendation and be true to my friend and the company?" First, I want to make it clear that I vote for Suggestion #4. Second, I want to share an outlying suggestion that humbled me. When I asked one friend what she would do in your situation, this wise and sensitive person responded in a way that helped me see an opportunity for growth. She said, "If someone is asking for a job recommendation from a coworker from fifteen years ago, I imagine the person is pretty desperate to find a job. I’d decline writing the job recommendation and explain that my memory wasn’t that good and that recommendations are best when they are current and from a boss." Then she said, "Then I’d ask if there was anything I could do to help him find a job. What kind of job was he looking for? What were his skills? What new competencies had he developed?" I, and eighteen others, had answered the surface challenge and assumed we were done. Only one person asked if there was a deeper, more relevant need to be addressed. It was an "aha" moment for me and a good lesson we can all apply. Best Wishes, Al

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, I have been at my organization for more than thirty years and am the most experienced colleague in my department. I have mentored others and taught them the job functions. I am able to function in various roles when needed and my opinions and suggestions are often sought by others. I consistently receive "exceeds expectations" in my job evaluations. However, I recently discovered a misplaced document that identified all of our salaries; I make less than everyone! I reported this to my manager and she acknowledged that I am a valuable asset to our department that the salary discrepancy was wrong. There are several "novices" who make more than me; a few males in particular. She notified HR and Employee Services and the response was "we will put her on the list." I would like to meet with HR to discuss this issue personally. Do you have any suggestions for how to approach this? Best Regards, Underpaid  Dear Underpaid, Thirty years of loyalty, mentoring, exceeding expectations, being an opinion leader, and getting paid less than some of the male novices…ouch! I can certainly understand the sense of unfairness you are experiencing as well as the frustration of not being able to get the situation rectified immediately. You wrote that you would like to discuss this with HR personally and asked for suggestions on your approach. I have a few that might be helpful. 1. Master your Stories. First, do your inner work. Get your head right. In cases of unfairness and injustice, it’s almost automatic to assume the worst about people’s motives and the causes of the unfairness. It’s easy to see yourself as a victim of evil bosses who make their budgets and bonuses by holding your salary flat. Remember to Master Your Stories by asking "Why would reasonable, rational, and decent people not increase my pay—especially relative to lower performers or newer employees?" It could be that the powers that be are evil and selfish. That’s one possibility. Are there others? Based on your manager’s response, it seems they were unaware of the unfairness and when alerted, your manager called it "wrong" and contacted HR. Perhaps you are not fighting evil people, but rather an unfair system. Edwards Deming famously said, "Good people and bad systems produce bad results." It’s likely the pay system in your organization does not make adequate adjustments for pay inequalities and the people who manage the system are not making the appropriate fixes. It is in these instances that interpersonal conversations become so crucial. People who encounter problems must make those who are responsible for managing the system aware of the problems as well as of the consequences. 2. Start With Heart. Having got your head right, now work on getting your heart right. Start With Heart by asking yourself "What do I really want?" Do you want: revenge, justice, back pay, an appropriate increase going forward? Unanalyzed motives can derail you and defuse your energies. Get clear on the results you want. For the sake of our discussion, I’m going to assume that you want to receive a fair increase in your pay beginning now. I will also assume that you want an appointment with the most helpful person in HR right away. 3. Next, gather the facts. Gathering the facts is the homework required to have a crucial conversation. Use the information in the document for comparison purposes. Include your performance appraisals, ratings, and the comments of your manager as to how valuable you have been to your department. Remember: no exaggerations, no embellishments, just the facts. Ask your manager for help in getting an appointment with the most appropriate person in HR. It concerns me that you will be put on "the list." Apparently there are so many people seeking help that they cannot be handled by regular scheduling; or, the HR group is understaffed. Either way, ask around and have your manager make inquires. Rather than being lumped in with everyone who has a reason to talk with HR, find out who is the right person to help you with a pay inequity problem. This can often save your time and theirs. In requesting a meeting, follow appropriate protocol to demonstrate Mutual Respect. Make sure to include information about the purpose of your meeting. Identify the pay inequities between you and several "novices." Also, be sure to emphasize that there are men in your department being paid more for doing the same work that you, a woman, are doing. This is important information to include in your request because it would be easy for someone in Human Resources to assume that you have a gripe about not being paid enough and relegate your request for an appointment to the "business as usual" file. You need to help them understand that yours is an issue that’s important to the organization’s values, pay, and benefit system, and falls into the category of "needs attention now!" By doing this, you are establishing Mutual Purpose because you want the pay inequities and unfairness addressed; they want to make sure the pay and benefit system has no bias based on gender and that it rewards good performance. You are providing important feedback to help the managers of the pay system to identify defects and fix them. An important caution—in arranging this appointment, don’t preach. Don’t express righteous indignation. Don’t berate or belittle. Don’t threaten or give ultimatums. The Human Resource Specialists are not your enemy. They are there to help you. Make it easy for them to do their job. Be respectful and helpful to them. Another caution—don’t get sidetracked with questions about the salary document you were not supposed to see. The issue is not about you inappropriately poking into privileged information. Don’t let that become the issue. Upon finding the document, you did not show it around or post it on the Internet. You reported it to your manager, as you should have. You handled the situation correctly. Keep the conversation focused on the pay inequities problem. I hope these suggestions are helpful. You are right to help solve this problem for your sake and the sake of others. As you are successful, the whole organization will be well served. Ron

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, accountability discussions, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below. Dear Crucial Skills, I just heard Mr. Grenny speak and I couldn’t help but wonder how could I use influence and persuasion to potty train my toddler? We have been working at it from a reward/consequence standpoint but perhaps I am not giving him enough credit. Maybe a simple behavior modifier that doesn’t involve sweet treats (which I refuse to give) or punishment would work? Sincerely, Pondering Potty Training

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, With recent organizational changes, I acquired additional people reporting to me as their first-line manager. This particular group supports older legacy software products that are slowly becoming obsolete. Our organization is transforming in ways that require employees to learn and use new tools so they can eventually join teams that are developing our new products. All team members have learned the new tools except one older individual. He is content with the status quo, vocalized that he does not want to do anything new, and intentionally does not take training or opportunities when offered. The problem is that prior managers allowed this behavior to exist and I inherited it. How can I influence this person to change? Signed, Managing Obsolescence  Dear Managing, Congratulations on your success in helping so many stay prepared for future responsibilities. The fact that you’ve got only one outlier is a credit both to your team’s initiative and your influence. Now, let’s talk about the "older individual." I’ll share a variety of thoughts that I hope spur a productive path forward for both of you. 1. Question the question. Is it really a problem that he doesn’t learn the new tools? For example, if the legacy systems will need another year’s support and he intends to retire in a year or so, perhaps he’s making a perfectly rational decision not to invest in new skills. My first challenge is for you to broaden your definition of a good outcome and consider whether his aspirations and the organization’s needs can both be served by keeping him where he is. If not, continue to #2. 2. Diagnose carefully. It’s often the case that ability problems appear to be motivation problems. For example, when I was five years old, I was embarrassed that I didn’t know how to swim. My mother signed me up for swim lessons and I feigned a lack of interest—not because I truly didn’t want to know how to swim, but because I was certain my lack of body fat would make me sink to the bottom of the pool. Could it be that he is interested in new ideas, but worries he couldn’t handle the complexity? If so, you need to find a way to make it safe to surface this issue and develop solutions to the ability problem—or at least his perception that there is an ability problem. 3. Explore natural consequences. Too many managers think it’s their job to motivate people to change. It isn’t. Your job is to help them understand the natural consequences of their choices. For example, you might explain, "You are highly competent at our legacy systems. Our new systems require abracadabra certification. In about eighteen months we will sunset our legacy systems. The only jobs we’ll have available then will require the new certification. There will not be a position you qualify for at that time based on your current skill set." Having explained the world as you see it, it is his choice to either motivate himself to learn abracadabra—or not. You can surrender the need to manage his choices. 4. Agree on next steps. Let’s say you explore the natural consequences and he says, "Geez, I think I need to get up to speed on abracadabra." If his past behavior shows that he makes commitments but does not follow through, you must clarify who will do what and by when and how you will follow up. You must also confirm the consequences of noncompliance. For example, you might ask, "Great, so what’s your plan? When will you take the training? When will you be available to take on tasks with abracadabra certification?" Having received his commitment, be sure to add the following: "Let’s talk in three months to confirm that the certification is complete. If it is complete after that time, I will slot you into some new projects. If it is not, I hope you understand that our ability to use you will have a limited life." Let me conclude with one final invitation. Make sure you check your own motives. Be sure you are not writing someone off because he is not everything you think he should be. If he is resistant to new skills, but his presence is still a "win-win" for the organization, don’t be myopic and miss that bigger picture. These are tough calls to make. Management is tough. I wish you the best as you do the right thing for those you serve. Warmly, Joseph

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Ron McMillan is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, How do you prepare for a crucial conversation where you do not feel safe? I need to have a conversation with my boss but I feel pretty certain she will be defensive. The book and training cover how to make others feel safe to open up, but how do you make it safe for yourself? Sincerely, Feeling Unsafe  Dear Unsafe, You ask a great question. In our books and training, we do emphasize how to make it safe for others to talk with us. Here are some ideas about how to make it safe for you to talk with others. Think of this problem as having two parts: Internal—how I work on me to make it safe for myself. External—how I deal with others to make it safe for me. Let’s look at the internal part first. In a nationwide healthcare study we conducted, we made a shocking discovery. When nurses saw a doctor fail to wash his or her hands after patient contact, 80 percent said nothing. They did not attempt to remind the doctor or ask questions. They said nothing. The main reason nurses did not speak up was because they did not feel safe. The reason they did not feel safe was because they had low self-efficacy and low outcome expectations. Stated another way, they lacked the confidence to handle this crucial conversation and they didn’t believe they could handle this situation in an effective way. Expecting a bad outcome, they didn’t even try to talk to the doctors. One of the first things you can do to make it "safe for me" is learn the interpersonal skills which will help you be more effective in a crucial conversation. When nurses learned skills of interpersonal effectiveness, it built their confidence so that they could talk to the doctors. The next step was to help them actually try the skills in a hand-washing situation with a doctor and experience for themselves a positive outcome. Once they found that the skills worked for them, their confidence grew dramatically. When this happened, they felt less at-risk and vulnerable in this tough crucial conversation; they felt safe enough to hold it. My advice for you is to learn the skills of effective social interaction, practice them, and use them. As you have more and more success you will have more confidence and be safer when conducting these conversations. Now for the external part. Here are a few ideas for how to deal with your defensive boss to make you safe. Be prepared. In addition to feeling confident with the skills, preparing for the specific conversation with your boss will help you feel safe and be safe. You might try practicing with a close friend or family member, role-playing and planning out just what you might say. Get your heart right by focusing on what you really want. What do you want as the result of your conversation? Are you looking for understanding, agreement, or an apology? Specifically, what type of relationship do you want at the conclusion of this conversation? Get your head right by asking a humanizing question. You expect your boss to be defensive. Question your story. Ask yourself, "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person be defensive with me?" Clarify your assumptions and seek insight into her behavior and your past interactions. Are you doing something that is eliciting this response? By changing your approach could you change her response? Seek Mutual Purpose. There’s a saying in the Army, "Never disagree with your commanding officer, until you salute the flag." This is a reminder that you both have a commitment to serve your country and to do your duty. This common commitment is the context for a conversation about disagreement. Identify the Mutual Purpose you and your boss share. You might begin the conversation by asking for her permission to converse. This courtesy builds Mutual Respect. Then follow by sharing your good intentions to build Mutual Purpose. For example you might begin with: "Joanne, could I talk with you? I know you are facing an important decision and I want you to know that I will support whatever you decide. However, I do have some concerns that I would like to make sure you are aware of before we proceed. Is that ok?" An alternative beginning, depending on the issue, is to make her goals the Mutual Purpose. You could say something like: "Joanne, do you have a few minutes? I know you are concerned about hitting our numbers for the last quarter. That concerns me too. I think I’ve identified some barriers to achieving that goal and have ideas for removing them. Could I share them with you?" As you continue, Learn to Look for signs that she is leaving the dialogue and moving toward silence or violence. If you see movement, step outside the content, rebuild safety, and return to the conversation. Don’t presume to tell her what she needs to do or give her ultimatums. Tentatively make suggestions and share natural consequences to help her understand the difference between options. Using these skills and strategies can be very helpful in reducing contention and making it clear that you are not an adversary fighting against your boss, but a team player who is helping her to succeed. This in turn can change the way your boss sees you and relates to you. These skills also reduce your boss’s tendency to take offense, feel a need to be guarded, get angry, or be dismissive. Allow me to share with you a final disclaimer and a strategy. If you do all these things, exactly the way I’ve told you to do them and your boss doesn’t want to dialogue, you won’t. Remember, these skills are not ways of manipulating or coercing people into doing what you want. Others get to choose their response. However, the use of these skills and this approach do increase the likelihood that your communication will go better, you will solve problems, and your relationships will improve. Approach this conversation not as a single event, but rather as the first of many conversations you will have with your boss. If you are consistent with your efforts to create dialogue, build Mutual Purpose, and always demonstrate Mutual Respect, over time you will build a relationship based on these values and your boss will likely move toward dialogue. I wish you well, Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Barbara Hauser is a Master Trainer. READ MORE This article was originally published October 6, 2011. How do you balance discussion (i.e., answering questions, debriefing, taking stories from participants) with staying on track with material—especially if it is a really good discussion? This is such a good question. I like to do two things. Right up front, when we establish the ground rules for participation in the program, I say that I’m going to assume the role of discussion leader—for the purpose of keeping us on track so that we can get to the practical, skill-building part of the program. I’ll add that there’s often a need for folks to process the content by talking it out. To honor that, we’ve built in several small group discussions where they will have the time and space to do a lot of sharing. We do want to hear from individuals in our large-group discussions too—and that’s where I’ll keep everyone mindful of the time constraints! When we hit a point where the discussion threatens to go on too long, I’ll interrupt, acknowledge the value of what the person’s saying (e.g., "The situation you’re describing is a great example of this principle"), and add, "As the ‘time warden/discussion leader,’ let me suggest that we move on so we can get some practice using our new tools." (Or something like that.) I find that people really appreciate it when you take a firm stand to manage the time you have together wisely and when you set things up at the beginning so it’s safe to do so.

ABOUT THE EXPERT Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts. READ MORE I don’t know about you, but I love the Olympics. So these last two weeks have been great as my family and I watched so many different events that we don’t get to see on a regular basis. This year I’ve been especially fascinated by how many of the events involve difficult to execute tricks. So many of the athletes are jump-twisting, or twist-spinning, or spin-flipping. And a few were so bold as to attempt a jumping-spinning-twisting-flipping kind of thing that I could only do on accident. I get dizzy for them just thinking about it. And yet one of the most important elements of these tricks was the landing. You’ve got to stick the landing. However upside down or backward the athlete got, it mattered what happened during the landing. Watching all these fabulous athletes got me thinking about training. Many trainers move through the space, weaving in and out of chairs, participants, desks, power cords, and other similar obstacles as they present their material. But when it comes to giving instructions they need to stick the landing—they need to be standing still, firmly planted on the ground. We’ve found over the years that participants give their lowest ratings when asked if they understood what to do during exercises and activities. When a trainer stands still, participants focus on what he or she is saying, and not his or her movements. By "sticking the landing" you accentuate your point making it more likely that participants will listen and understand. And just like in the Olympics, standing still while giving instructions sounds easy, but it’s harder than you think. I still find myself getting a little off balance, trying desperately to stand still, and feeling the pull to move around. Next time you train, take a 3×5 card with you and keep track of how you do. And by all means, feel free to twist, spin, and do everything else that makes you the type of trainer you are. Just remember when it comes to instructions, you gotta stick the landing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE   Dear Crucial Skills, Several of my coworkers sit and face each other in the cubicles next door to me. They’re good friends and it seems, especially lately during our slow season, that they spend the majority of the day chatting about anything and everything. Most mornings, the first hours are nothing but chatter. It’s terribly distracting. I’ve tried to plug in my earphones and listen to music to help me focus but it doesn’t drown out the noise. Any tips on asking the "chattaholics" to turn it down and minimize the disruptive discussion without seeming rude or snobby? Sincerely, Annoyed  Dear Annoyed, This sounds like a classic case of being stuck. I define "stuck" as not getting results you want, getting results that you don’t want, failing relationships, recurring problems, or being frequently bugged. Our Crucial Conversations book and training contain a set of skills that helps you get unstuck. These skills help you solve situations characterized by high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions. Before I offer some advice, I want to take a moment to suggest how these situations generally develop, and hope this note will motivate everyone to speak up early. Here is the main point. Chattiness, like tardiness, or sloppiness, doesn’t happen suddenly—it sort of sneaks in or evolves. No one or no team starts the day by saying, "Look we have typically been getting eight hours of effective work done every day, but now I suggest that we chat for three hours and work for five. Won’t that be fun?" And I doubt any group started chatting three hours the first day. Social time most likely increased by a few minutes every day. Lower standards creep in little by little, here and there, which can make the problem hard to notice. With that background, my first bit of advice is to catch problems early. When you catch them early, it’s easier to speak up. Early on, you might have been able to say something like, "Hey team, I have a lot of work to do, and it’s hard to get it done when we talk this much. I can be chatty myself; however, I’m wondering if we could chat during breaks and lunch and focus on work when it’s work time. That would really help us all out. What do you say?" Early on, you are not dealing with a long pattern; there is no new, lower norm. It’s just easier for anyone to speak up early. Even if you have let the problem grow over time by remaining silent until now, the sooner you choose to say something, the easier the crucial conversation will be. Remember that when any of us see that we are stuck, we have three options. We can stay silent. Often we don’t want to speak up because we feel it’s not our job, we don’t want to make waves, or don’t want to lose a friend. But I would caution you—silence is the petri dish upon which lower standards grow. We blow up. We’ve had it "up to here." So we explode with something like, "Give me a break! Shut up, you gossip mongers, will you??? I can’t get my work done." Again, be careful. Leading with emotions and labels is the dynamite that weakens relationships. We speak up with candor and courtesy. When we do this, we show that we value both the standard and the relationship and that we are speaking up to maintain both. If you try the third option, you should be prepared with what you’ll say or do next. Often, people are silent, not because they don’t think they can bring up a topic, but because they are fearful they won’t be able to deal with the response. The key to preparing is to assess the situation and relationship and think about what might happen if you speak up and then get ready with some responses. As an example: You begin the conversation as stated above and someone responds with one of the following statements. • "Who died and left you in charge?" This is an opportunity to share your intention with what you are and are not trying to do—otherwise known as contrasting. You might say, "I’m not trying to be bossy here. I value you as friends and we all have a lot of work to do. I’m just trying to solve a problem I’m facing and asking my coworkers for help." • "Since when did you become Captain Perfect? You’re just as bad as I am." Again, share your intention. "I realize that I’m part of the problem. That’s why I used the word we. I don’t want to come across as a perfectionist; I’m just trying to find a solution to a situation that is affecting all of us." • The other person simply nods and rolls his or her eyes. You can tell that right at this moment he or she is thinking statements like the ones above or worse. You might say, "I realize this is a tough subject. It was very hard for me to bring this up because I’m part of the problem. I still want to talk and visit with you. I also want to get a lot of work done. It looks like I’ve bothered a few of you by bringing this topic up. I’m asking if we can find a solution that will help us get the work done and still be friendly." Of course there are no "ideal" scripts to use in situations like this one. It’s hard for me to offer options when I know so little about the details or circumstances. But I assure you that you will find your own, more effective scripts if you prepare and have the purpose of finding a solution while also maintaining or strengthening the relationship. Remember to speak up early in a candid and courteous way and to prepare for responses that will help clarify your intentions. I wish you the best, Al

VitalSmarts’ new research study shows that 89% of participants surveyed report damaged relationships as a result of the insensitive or inappropriate use of technology. And yet, most suffer silently. According to the study of 2,025 people, 9 out of 10 report that at least once a week, their friends or family members stop paying attention to them in favor of something happening on their digital devices. And 1 in 4 say Electronic Displays of Insensitivity (EDIs) have caused a serious rift with a friend or family member. So what do we do when confronted with such blatant EDIs? According to the research, most of us do nothing. Specifically, 1 in 3 people admit to coping with EDIs by simply ignoring them. However, what happens when repeat offenders are your spouse, child, best friend, or coworker? Even with close relationships, people still struggle to speak up. In fact, nearly 2 out of 3 have no idea how to effectively reduce the impact of others’ inappropriate use of technology. Those who say nothing give their silent approval of insensitive and bad behavior. So next time you’re face-to-face with an EDI offender, use your crucial conversations skills to restore civility without damaging common courtesy. Here are five tips for getting started. 1. Take the high road. Some EDIs are urgent or necessary so assume the best intentions. Empathetically say: "That sounds important. I can come back later if you need to respond to that call or text." 2. Spell it out. Specificity leads to results. Rather than making vague requests, set specific boundaries. Say: "We need your full attention in this meeting, so please turn off your cell phone." 3. Illuminate the impact. Describe the consequences of an EDI rather than blast your judgments about another’s moral compass. Say: "Your screen light is disturbing my experience of the performance. Would you please turn it off? Thank you." 4. Take heart. Don’t measure your influence by whether or not people immediately comply. Your intervention registers as disapproval and helps in the slow establishing of new norms. 5. Let it go. If you’ve employed every tactic and the offender fails to comply, let it go. Unless the situation will continue for an extended period of time or your safety is at risk, you’re better off just moving on. View the results of our study in the infographic below or click here to download a copy.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Listen to Kerrying On via MP3 Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes In January 1965, after living their entire lives in soggy Western Washington, my mom and dad packed up their belongings and moved to sunny Arizona. After enjoying the dry climate for several months, Mom wrote a letter to her father inviting him to close up the "mom and pop" store that he operated thirteen-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week and come live with them in Tempe. "We have a room set aside for you," Mom explained. "And there’s a beautiful park nearby filled with men playing checkers and chess. I’m sure you’d love it here. Please come live with us." "It sounds wonderful," Grandpa replied in a return letter. "It’s tempting to move to a place where it doesn’t rain most of the time, but I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. You know how hard it is for a man of my age to find work." Grandpa was eighty-five years old when he penned that response and he meant every word of it. He couldn’t conceive of not having a job and he certainly couldn’t imagine relying on others. He’d always been self-reliant. Orphaned at a young age, Grandpa was taken in by a relative who didn’t like him very much and, to remove any doubt on the matter, beat him regularly. One day when Grandpa was ten, his schoolteacher began brutally spanking a small child in his class—there was a lot of that going on. This continued until Grandpa could take it no longer—he pummeled the teacher until the fellow fled the classroom. Needless to say, Grandpa was expelled for his efforts. While his caretakers brooded over what to do next, he packed his belongings into an old flour sack and set out from Dyersville, Iowa to live with his nine-year-old second cousin, May, and her parents—the relatives who had been kind to him when he had met them at a family gathering a few years earlier. For several days, Grandpa trudged westward. For sustenance he drank from creeks, ate fruit from trees, and stole eggs from chicken coops. "When we laid eyes on Billy [my grandpa]," May explained to me when I first met her many years later, "my mom and I were sitting on the porch drinking lemonade. At first, I thought it was a stray dog coming down the dirt road that passed in front of our house. I could barely make out a speck in the distance, but then I could see it was a person: it was a boy! The poor thing looked like he was going to collapse from the heat. As he drew close enough to see his face, we realized it was Billy. Mother and I ran to greet him, took him in our arms, and smothered him with kisses." After days of lonely effort—ten-year-old Billy had walked across the state of Iowa. Reaching cousin May’s house in Sioux City, he realized he was finally home. For the next eight years, Billy was loved and cared for by his cousins. When he graduated from high school, he left to make a life for himself. For almost two decades, my grandfather worked at everything from trapping in Minnesota to playing cards on a Mississippi river boat—until he finally met my grandmother. He fell in love, settled down, and raised my mother and her sister. Grandpa taught my mom to be as independent as he had learned to be throughout his twenty years of bachelorhood. He had learned to cook and sew, and do all things domestic—not as a point of pride, but from sheer necessity. So, along with housekeeping skills, he taught Mom how to swing a hammer and repair the plumbing. By the time I was twelve, both my mom and granddad had passed the tradition to me. I’d come home from school to find Mom tearing out part of a wall with a crowbar in an effort to get a remodeling project on its feet. I’d then either help her with the project or make dinner before Dad came home to help complete the job. This independence has served me well. I love the freedom that comes from being able to do things on my own. However, sometimes my desire for self-sufficiency morphs from autonomy to pride and pig-headedness—and that’s when it gets me into trouble. Strengths, taken to the extreme, become weaknesses. For instance, for our 40th anniversary, my wife and I traveled to Paris where we signed up for a nighttime Segway tour of the city. From the very start, I could see that my wife’s night vision wasn’t up to the challenge of speeding along the Champs-Élysées on what was little more than an electric stick. Every few minutes, she’d zoom perilously close to a pillar or wall and I’d shout out a warning. But I didn’t dare ask to stop and return to home base because it would have ended the tour for everyone. So we continued on despite my nagging fear that something bad was about to happen. And then it happened. Louise careened off a pillar, flew through the air, crashed to the cobblestone, and cracked her pelvis. For the next three days, I fretted and fumed over how to get her home safely. She could travel without it causing harm, but it hurt so much . . . well, I just didn’t know what to do. After two days of fruitless worrying, and out of utter desperation, I finally approached our hotel manager and said something I almost never say. "I need your help," I nervously whispered. Then I explained our predicament. "Yes," the manager responded, "I can see your problem. I’m not sure how to solve it, but don’t worry Mr. Patterson, we will figure it out." And he did. In my case, the independence I learned from my grandfather occasionally transmutes into "indepen-dunce" and keeps me from asking others for their assistance, even when I need it. Had I stopped our tour group and explained—"My wife and I need to return, but I also don’t want to disrupt the tour. Do you have any ideas on how to achieve that?"—I’m sure the guide and other tourists would have come up with five different solutions. I know I’m not alone in my misunderstanding of self-reliance. At work, employees routinely avoid asking for help because they fear it might make them look weak. Perhaps you’ve seen a newly promoted boss refuse to say "I don’t know" because she’s a supervisor and believes that means she’s supposed to know everything. For over sixty years, I’ve honed my abilities to stand on my own—as if that’s life’s one true measure of success. Since I learned independence at my grandfather’s knee, it’s not something I’m going to simply let go of—nor could I. Fortunately, that’s not required. I simply need to couple independence with an equal desire to both seek and give assistance. Stopping and asking others for help is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It’s a sign that we need each other. And that’s a good thing. So, here’s to taking the dunce out of independence.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR David Maxfield is coauthor of three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Accountability, Influencer, and Change Anything. READ MORE Dear Crucial Skills, My husband was terminated from his job last June because he was told it was "not a good fit." He worked from home and I could tell that during conference calls he was usually either blamed for not getting a job done on time or was defensive about the work he did. It’s now March and still no job prospects. He is very defensive when I suggest job opportunities, networking, or re-training. I am to the point where I am shutting down because of his attitude, but finances are becoming critical. How do I talk to him about real solutions for job hunting and networking without him getting so defensive? Regards, Critical Situation  Dear Critical, Thanks for asking a tough question. The sad truth is that time doesn’t always heal all wounds. Sometimes a personal calamity such as termination, death, divorce, financial loss, etc. creates a vortex that grows with time—engulfing the person, and sucking their loved ones into a growing spiral of failure. It sounds as if your husband is caught in this kind of vicious cycle, and it’s reaching into your relationship. Take heart. There are ways to break free, but it will take effort on your part—and some of this effort might seem counterintuitive at first. Painful stories. Think of your husband’s termination as a powerful blow that left bruises. These bruises are painful realizations or stories your husband is now telling himself. The stories we see most often are helpless, victim, and villain stories. • Helpless Story: Your husband might be thinking: "I’m a failure," "It’s hopeless," or "I’ll never succeed." These stories will undermine his mood, self-esteem, and motivation. These thoughts often become automatic, entering his head every time the topic is touched, and create humiliation and pain. They might explain why your husband is avoiding everything related to the topic. • Victim Story: Your husband might be thinking: "The system is rigged," "It’s all political," or "People don’t respect me." These stories would make him feel put upon and oppressed. They might also explain why he resists your attempts to help. • Villain Story: Your husband might be thinking: "My boss wasn’t fair to me," "The company shouldn’t have fired me," etc. These stories would lead to ruminating on and revisiting the blow. People who tell villain stories often reactivate the personal calamity instead of grow beyond it. Master these stories. In an ideal world, your husband will come to realize that these self-defeating stories aren’t the whole story. Sure, he might not be as skilled, as politically savvy, or as appreciated as he assumed he was, but he’s not a failure either. He will put this blow into perspective. However, if he hasn’t come to this realization on his own, then there are actions you can take to help. • Use Direct Experience. Your husband needs proof that the self-defeating stories he’s internalized aren’t the complete truth. You can help by focusing on his successes, rather than his failures. However, words alone aren’t likely to be enough. Look for ways to use direct experience. For example, how can he help others during this time between jobs? The best way to recover from a blow to your self-esteem is to earn it back. He can do this by making a challenging and meaningful contribution to others. Focus on the purpose, not the strategy. One of the challenges we face as family members is that we’re seen as nagging, rather than helping. The solution is to back away from the specific requests we’ve made, and focus on the broader common purpose that unites us. • You say your husband gets defensive when you suggest jobs, networking, or re-training. Try backing away from these specific strategies. Instead, ask for your husband’s help with the broader mutual purpose: managing your family’s critical financial decisions. Remember, respect is at risk. Your husband’s self-respect has taken a beating. He’s likely to be extra sensitive to any sign of further disrespect. In fact, he may take your well-intentioned suggestions as a sign that you don’t trust or respect him. • Take extra care to avoid being directive or controlling during the conversation. Emphasize exploration, visioning, and personal choice and control. Remember that requests may feel like demands. You might open this conversation with: "I’d like us to set aside a time to explore our goals together. My main goal is for us to build a happy life together. Everything else is open to change. Maybe it’s time to jump off the rat race. Or maybe it’s time to double-down. Can we set aside an hour or two to talk about what you’d like to see happen?" Explore barriers, instead of advocating for actions. There is a common mistake most of us make when we’re in your situation. We advocate for actions we believe in instead of exploring the barriers that make these actions difficult. When we take it as our role to advocate, we force the other person to argue the other side. We argue for, they argue against, and guess who wins? • It works better if we begin by acknowledging that the action will be difficult. This shows respect for why they are stuck. Then explore the barriers one at a time, in bite-sized chunks. Brainstorm solutions, while continuing to emphasize personal choice and control. De-escalate your finances. My suggestions so far have focused on process—how to have the conversation. I’d like to end with a piece of substantive advice. I’ve been in your husband’s position and I recommend cutting back on expenses before you get too far into a financial hole. Find a way to reduce your predictable expenses. For example, rent a smaller apartment, sell your home, stop your cable TV subscription, etc. Know that you are not alone. Many families are facing your situation. The news describes people dealing with this as "discouraged workers." I hope I’ve given you some ideas for addressing this discouragement, while pulling your family closer together. Best wishes, David